1999 - The Year Reviewed
It's certainly been a big year for the lads. March saw the hoikers finally on CD with the limited release of their best recordings so far. In April the band headlined the bill at Bernaid '99 down in bayside Sandringham. Norm's guitar (a generational problem) was finally fixed while Mark's Ibanez showed worrying signs of wear. Six new songs were written during the year, three from the Normster, two from Mark and Neil's Moth To A Flame. On average the band met once a month with around half a dozen recording sessions during the year. The web pages expanded with the band's songs now in mp3 format. Mark's son Jesse played 4 gigs with his Primary School Band, two at Robert Blackwood Hall at Monash University.
Now that's the lean facts. What were the real highlights? Undoubtably Greg's Noddy Holder impersonations, Norm's tales from the murky side, Neil's continued technical wizardry (or is that just crazy talk?) and Mark's retro hairstyles. There there was the new mike stand, a classy little number and the emergence of Neil's daughter Madeleine as a future singer in the band. With Mark's kids on trumpet and maybe drums one day, the old bungalow at Neil's may just need to be extended!

December 28 1999
With Mark holidaying in Adelaide over Christmas, Neil, Norm and Steve met for a jam during the afternoon and early evening. Ninety minutes was spent on Steve's song Everything Changes with four different versions committed to tape. Other Steve songs included Fiona and Blood On My Hands (Norm thinks the latter is the best song he's heard by a non-professional artist). Others songs played included Moth To A Flame, Do It For Me, Nonchalant, My Momma Told Me and Norm's newest composition Passion. Covers by Flowers/Icehouse, INXS (Stay Young), Dragon (Are You Old Enough and Van's Brown Eyed Girl were also run through (and shirtfronted!). Lastly the lads did Steve's That's A Fact. Muttonbird On My Breath and Oaks Day '93 also had an airing with Steve taking over vocal duties from Mark.

December 7 1999
Mark's son Jesse played with his School Band at the Robert Blackwood Hall on November 28. They did four pieces, Rockin' the Blues, Centurion, Geronimo and Rock Around the Clock. A great effort and a fun afternoon.
Neil has done some 4 track recording of late, a Levellers song, while Mark has been playing Johnny Cash in recent days and getting Ring of Fire worked out. And as the band heads into its Christmas recess We Wish Everyone A Merry Christmas.

November 20 1999
Neil returned from Yarrawonga, Mark from meeting Michael Palin and Norm from his midlife crisis to meet at the usual jam rendezvous last night. Two and a half hours jamming on originals such as Vicious Fish, Tell Me Everything and Do It For Me and covers such as Velvet Underground's Femme Fatale, Garbage's Push It and The Beatles' I Should Have Known Better was followed by coffee and a critical appraisal of the TV screening of Prospero's Books. Very interesting film indeed.
Norm also previewed two newish songs almost straight from the 'music stand', Mark's guitar held up for the night and some new band photos were taken. While all this is undoubtably interesting it wasn't as interesting as Prospero's Books!
As the year draws to a close the band eagerly awaits the arrival of Norm and Michelle's second child in early December. Congratulations guys!

October 23 1999
With Mark's wife going away for the weekend to play canasta with the crones, the jam venue shifted location into the hills. Neil wore his Richmond Tigers T Shirt, Mark wore his newly acquired Garbage T Shirt and Norm was just impeccably dressed as ever. Raspberries go to Mark for the seemingly total breakdown of his electric guitar pickups. The baton has been well and truly passed on and repairs are unavoidably in order.
Mark's daughter Mog formed an exclusive and enthusiastic audience of one for their first song of the night, Vicious Fish (while Jess was mesmorised by the Nintendo in the lounge). After that the band played the whole gamut of musical styles (from A to B) running through Mark's Dorothy Parker Said, She's An Amazon and Way Upwey, Norm's newie Tell Me Everything (slotted in for our next live performance) and an oldie Classical Greek and Neil's Softly and I Don't Know amongst others.
Covers included Garbage's Push It (hey a contemporary cover - stranger than fiction), Dave Steel's Tales Of Blue Johanna (for all the Otway Dreamers) and Creedence's Lodi (must have been a real dump that place!).
Afterwards as the band drank to Norm's impending significant birthday Mark treated the others to some Richard Thompson and drove them out of the house with Neil Young's soundtrack to Dead Man (I still like it though, but the car doors still baffle me somewhat). All in all a good time was had by all (and the neighbours are too far away to be an issue!)

October 2 1999
A couple of new songs plus a rare display of Mark's lead guitar, err...prowess marked last night's jam. Norm officially launched two songs, My Heart and Tell Me Everything, the latter a chunky little number we'll offer to Tom Petty, while Mark's Do The James (again in chunk mode) had it's first airing (Mark alternating lead guitar duties with the Normster).
Other originals included Now You've Gone, Softly, Moth To A Flame and But A Dream. Very few covers this time around but two were dragged kicking and screaming from the vaults: Tom Petty's I Won't Back Down and the Creedence classic Lodi (performed non-classically), while Neil fronted the mike for Little Murders' Love And Stuff Like That. China Crisis' Black Man Ray returned to its usual place as the evening's finale.
Norm had arrived fashionably late (it'll be better when he's on holidays) as he had the 4 track for the week. Nothing really put down unfortunately (or so the Normster claims) while last Friday (24/9) Neil and Norm 4-tracked, with a little work on Mark's Notorious. There's an emphasis somewhere there.
Neil and Mark welcome Spud, The Flea and The Crock to the team. What a recipe for success!

September 18 1999
What happens when a prominent Melbourne sportsman confronts a Hoiker early one morning in town and then proceeds to do a drunken pigeon impersonation in front of him? Answer: The incident is captured in song! When Neil related the episode to Mark last week it proved the impetus for Mark to write his second song for the year, Do The James, and record it on Neil's 4 track recorder during the week.
Last night the flab four got together for their first jam since August. Mark arrived early with Neil's equipment and the traditional chocolate offering was devoured by a pack of hungry wolves by the time Norm arrived late after not buying a guitar lead! An outbreak of Greg soon followed and the band launched into a spectacular array of covers that included The Who's Substitute, Cream's White Room, The Animal's We Gotta Get Out Of This Place, Creedence's Who'll Stop The Rain (or was it Have You Ever Seen The Rain?) and, to the disbelief or everyone concerned (it wasn't the sort of final musical number one would have predicted prior to the evening), Slade's Cum On Feel The Noize which left Greg's voice in tatters and the rest of us dumbstruck! If only the Brisbane Lions had defeated the Forces of Evil the night would have been complete!

September 11 1999
Neil ventured up into dem cold frosty hills last night where he and Mark put down parts of two more songs on the 4 track recorder. Both the old weepie Cesspools Of Your Mind (co-written by Mark and Norm over twenty years ago) and Mark's latest tune When They Come were again laid down without drums. Norm should be back in guitar mode next week and with Greg a jam is planned.

September 4 1999
Another night when two out of three ain't bad! In the absence of Norm, part of the welcoming party for his mum's return from her stormin' European tour, Neil and Mark put down tracks on the 4 track for Mark's The Great Song of The Dispossessed, minus any hint of drums and with acoustic guitar. Silv, we have finally listened to you!
Also recently, our friendly 3RPP jock got back to Norm asking for more details about our songs and who the female vocalist was on his epic song Nonchalant! Those tight jeans are going to have to go.

August 24 1999

Mark's son Jesse has performed twice in the last few days (last Friday at Monbulk and today at Monash University) with the Hills Explorer Primary School Band. Highlights from Friday included Centurion and Gerinomo while today apparently went really well at the big School Band festival and a CD apparently is going to be produced for the kids.

Meanwhile last Friday, while Mark went to the Monbulk show, Norm and Neil had a bash. Norm unveiled two new unfinished songs with no titles. Mysterious guy he is. Also radio station 3RPP has a new tape of Guano Hoik! songs so Norm and Mark may do some radio chat time in the near future.

August 7 1999

Well, as you read this, Richmond has been cleaned up by Collingwood and yet another Tigers season has ended in disarray. Sack the coach I say. Bring back Tommy Hafey. Oh well at least I won't have to worry about finals tickets (yet again).

Last night Steve joined the Hoikers in their first jam for a month. Norm had either just been out to a restaurant or he was going to one afterwards, putting to shame he did the rest of the band's dress down dress sense! Musically it was another rusty evening but a good get together nonetheless. Only a couple of covers got an airing before the mid evening coffee break, the best being The Tears For Fears song Mad World while some lesser known originals including Cesspools Of Your Mind were played.

After Steve left to catch the last train homewards the band went mellow (we were all dog tired) playing songs like Mark's The Great Song Of The Dispossessed (a wee ditty about circumcision) and The First Cup Is The Cheapest (or Deepest - depends on the brew), Norm's classic She's Oh So Nonchalant, China Crisis' Black Man Ray and to finish off Little Murders' Andy Warhol Retrospective with Neil on vocals.

Meanwhile Steve has done some additional mixes of Neil's Moth To A Flame, including the Belly Up Tiger Mix, The There's Always Next Year Mix and the Punt Road Knives Out Mix. As Kramer would say...Oh Yeah!
 

July 29 1999

All Quiet on the Southern Front for a few weeks now. In the meantime Neil did some recording with ex-Croissant Steve last Saturday (24/7). The result, Neil's new song Moth To A Flame, is now on The Bernards site in an MP3 format. Mark's son Jesse has two gigs coming up with the Hills Explorer Band next month, the second of which is at the Robert Blackwood Hall once more.

On a down note last Saturday, The Mudd household lost two chooks in a dog attack. Their pet rabbit Whitey disappeared as well. They were such beautiful creatures with heaps of personality. A sad day indeed.

July 4 1999

After an afternoon where Neil and Greg saw Richmond take that 'next step' against St.Kilda, Mark workshopped some music ideas with ex Beauty Myth guitarist Silvio and Norm returned from 'stalking' pop stars in Warrnambool supermarkets, the Hoikers had their first jam last night since Bernaid '99.

On a night memorable for Greg's Krusty the Clown impersonations, the startling relevation that Norm had asked Neil what the first line was to his song Nonchalant at the Bernaid gig, the band played some rusty originals including Neil's newest song Moth To A Flame before Greg turned up to perform some rusty (or should I say) Krusty covers.

Song highlights included the Yardbirds' Heart Full Of Soul, Cat Stevens' Peace Train and Richmond's new theme song Send In The Clowns. Pick up your game boys!

Oh well at least Melbourne didn't win either. One mystery that remains unsolved though is the apparent disappearance of Neil's copy of Rockin' In The Free World. Very strange indeed.

June 29 1999

No wonder the band plays live so rarely! Since the Bernaid gig the three members still have not dusted off the amps to jam together. Unfortunately Norm has been tied down with teaching while Neil and Mark have seen more football than guitar leads.

Neil has meanwhile written a new song while Mark's son Jesse played live again with the Hills Explorer School Band on June 20 at Monbulk. Highlight was their rendition of Queen's We Will Rock You and Another One Bites The Dust.

May 22 1999

Norm couldn't make the jam last night so Neil and Mark 4-tracked, putting down drums, bass, rhythm guitar and vocals on In Celebration of Lyn, a preposterously titled twenty year old song of Mark's about a 'nice looker' (is that sexist?) he knew at the time. Meanwhile the photos have come back from the Bernaid night and some will be posted on the site shortly.

May 15 1999

No jams for a month although Neil and Norm got together last night to play a few covers of guys like Shane Howard. Possible gig in September. More about that later. Mark compiling a tape for a Hoiker 'devotee' over in South Africa. Meanwhile Neil has been working on the companion web site, now under the banner of The Bernards.

April 18 1999

After final rehearsals on Friday night (a record in itself for the number of songs played - only 4) the Hoikers under the guise of The Bernards (didn't want to cause a riot did we?) headlined last night's Bernaid '99 extravaganza at the Sandringham Football Ground.

The performances kicked off around 10pm with the Von Trapp Family Singers taking to the stage to sing The Turtles' Happy Together (with Bernard's wife Wendy on guest vocals) and Lean On Me. Then came the child performances (I was thinking of that old saying then - never share a stage with dogs or children) and Steve Dwyer running through his original Everything Changes. Then another Bernard (not the Birthday Bernard but his godfather) amazed the crowd of around 100 people with a rendition of Banjo Patterson's The Man From Snowy River (and we were worried about remembering a few song lyrics!). Bernaid admitted later that he was never aware he was related to Leonard Teale!

Now it was the Hoikers turn! All the mounting anxiety had led to this point. The Himalaya Sprayers, the mysterious pains, the alcoholic binges (and that was just the band members' wives!). But there was no need to worry as it literally turned out alright on the night. The sound mix was good and the band ripped through near flawless renditions of Vicious Fish, A Word Is Enough To The Wise (announced by Neil as not having been played for twenty years) and She's Oh So Nonchalant. The response from the crowd was great. Even our worst critics were impressed (our wives again). Three songs over and the Hoikers first concert together had been pulled off successfully. When's the next gig?

After the final Wendy inspired sing-a-thon of a We Are The World / Do They Know It's Christmas medley the live performances of Bernaid '99 were complete. The band enjoyed a well deserved drink and even had their photograph taken by an admirer. Oh the trappings of musical stardom!

I'm sure Bernard enjoyed the bash. Wendy put so much effort into getting it together and should be congratulated. And as far as the Hoikers were concerned it certainly was a case of I'd like to thank you on behalf of the band and I hope we passed the audition.
 

April 3 1999

As the clock ticked over to midnight the Hoikers as one wished Neil a Happy Birthday. "Yeah happy...err birthday...um...Neil". That may have been the high point of the evening (or maybe not) but last night was also spent fine tuning the band's now three song performance for Bernaid '99. Along with local legend Steve Dwyer and the Von Trapp Family Singers (amongst other fine acts), the Hoikers are getting there (it'll be alright on the night!) for the big April 17 gig. She's An Amazon and My Momma Told Me are now on the interchange for the night.

Norm pulled his guitar apart during the week to fix some of its eternal problems. This week we hope he tries again. On a brighter note his celebrated red guitar lead may finally be stalked, ambushed and brutally destroyed. Don't say we didn't warn you Stormin'.

Actually the real highlight was the potential reappearance of local superstar Pat G. The man who out-funked Grand Funk is back in town and has already been signed up by WEA (Williamstown Eel Association). Apparently the drums are now a thing of the past for Pat. The Lion trembles tonight!

Later Greg arrived for our regular cover bash. Standout songs included Paul Kelly's Dumb Things, S&G's Mrs Robinson (for Joltin' Joe) T.Rex's Get It On, Goanna's Solid Rock and David Bowie's Let Dance. Greg also sang an interesting version of Norm's The Plan (She's Mine). Hmmm interesting.

Needless to say the new mike stand was warmly received by everyone except the broomsticks!

March 22 1999

Friday's jam tackled the finer details in preparation to next month's Bernaid '99 gig. Five songs, Vicious Fish, A Word Is Enough To The Wise, She's Oh So Nonchalant, She's An Amazon and My Momma Told Me have been selected. One of Norm's recent technical difficulties has been traced to a rogue guitar lead (why did it take us so long?) and Mark will play Norm's Maton Acoustic on a couple of songs, minimising the glitches with his electric.

Actually when A Word Is Enough To The Wise gets a public airing at Bernaid, it will be four months short of 20 years since the last time it was performed publicly - talk about avoiding over-exposure!.

During the evening Norm's Cross My Heart got an airing as did Mark's new song When They Come (They're Gonna Eat The Fat Ones First), his first composition for over a year!

Neil has since done a cosmetic job one of the amps for the gig while Mark has bought a mike stand. At least one broomstick can now bite the dust!

March 13 1999

As Bernaid '99 fast approaches, the Hoikers need to address the big issue of microphone stands. A boondock image is probably inappropriate despite the venue for the gig. Meanwhile the band's music is now on CD, thanks to Neil devoting a long weekend at the helm of a CD burner. At this stage the pressings are strictly limited but drop us a line if you want one of your own. Also there are now three entire songs available on the MP3 format for your listening pleasure, one at this site and two others at the Beauty Myth page.

February 19 1999

January 26 1999 Australia Day

On a night distracted by Mary Pierce playing Anna Kournikova on the telly the Hoikers completed the set interupted by Mark's Indian take-away last jam. Once again Madeleine kicked off the evening of wock n' woll with I Wanna Be Like You and Rock-A-Bye Bear while on the gig front it seems Vicious Fish, A Word Is Enough To The Wise and North To Alaska have earned guernseys for the big benefit bash.

Of the covers brutalised by the band, Neil Young's Hey Hey My My, Ed Kuepper's The Way I Made You Feel and the Fab Four's I Should Have Known Better were dragged screaming from the vaults to tantalise the surrounding neighbours.

In other news Norm's 'other' band The Bacharachs seem close to walking on by for the last time (maybe doing Donovan covers as The Toga Men is a possibility now), Neil is dabbling with some new drum software that promises to be everything the band ever hoped for in a drummer (doesn't argue or shed hair) and Mark is pondering why men's tennis just doesn't hold the same appeal.

Meanwhile Norm's guitar still continues to play up. If the big gig achieves nothing else it will mean a repair job. But what about the broomstick mike stands?

January 2 1999

Eight songs of a projected set of 14 were completed when Mark's Indian take-away (Lamb Saag, plain rice and stir fried vegies - thankfully no vindaloo or Dave Lister curries) arrived at last night's jam. The Hoikers had made short work of North To Alaska, A Word Is Enough To The Wise and Lateral, dawdled through Vicious Fish through constant sound level gremlins and generally built up a thirst in their steamy bungalow studio.

After the banquet break old Iron Lungs Greg arrived and the band shifted to covers mode for renditions of Rockin' In The Free World, Mrs Robinson, Shocking Blue's Venus (unfortunately no long black ala Monica L. wig for Greg to wear) and The Church classic Under The Milky Way.

At midnight the neighbours may have been spared the music but were then treated to a raucous photo shoot conducted by celebrated photographer Leeanne Harris-Cousins. The results of these pics will feature on the respective web sites shortly. Highlight was the Twist and Shout leaps. Pretty sad really when you think how old the band members are.

On an individual front Norm is available for guitar lessons (conducting them of course!), Neil is mentally preparing for the proposed meeting with legend Pat G. and Mark is telling everyone who will listen that he had a relative (albeit very distant) on the Titanic!

Plans slowly proceed for the big gig.