Maybe it's just the booze talking, or maybe it's the fact that I haven't gotten to sleep before 7 AM in the last calendar month, but I feel like I've got alot to say right now tnat I don't want many people to hear. So why not put it out on the internet on my website? I mean shit, no one ever comes here, so it's sure to stay a secret between me, the computer, and the men's room wall that I wrote it on last week. There's really nothing like listening to some metal at 5 AM while you think about what kinda shit you've done over the last summer. School starts in just over 24 hours and I've never been more terrified of going there than I am right now, I really don't know why. I've kicked this school's ass hardcore every semester thus far. I don't forsee any change in plans either, so this school is definately getting it's ass kicked by my brain, yet again. The real problem is the fact that when I'm not thinking about kicking a test's ass hardcore, I'm poisoning my head with thoughts that will do me no good. I really can't explain why I do the shit that I do. I'm a neurotic mess. I brush my teeth 3-4 times every day and can't sleep unless I've flossed. If there's something out of place in my room or my inhabitance that I know of, I usually don't go more than 3 minutes between noticing the problem and fixing it. I hate it when people don't clean up their messes before they go to sleep, so often times I find myself cleaning up after people. I absolutly hate spiders, but do not fear them. I'll fucking kill any size spider that I come across, but sure as hell won't go to sleep before I know that it's dead. If I did that, it might get my in my sleep when I'm defenseless. Probably the only thing that I do absolutly fear with all my being, is by far the most inevitable thing you can think of. Change. It happens regardless of who you are or what your status in society is. Change happens whether we like it or not, so the best thing you can do is just accept it. Despite knowing this, I find it hard to do so. I've found it damn near impossible to avoid change though. No matter how hard you try, changes just fucking happen. I hate losing touch with people and despite my normally cold, rough exterior I can't stand it when someone doesn't like me. When it becomes apparent that someone doesn't like me it seriously plagues me, occupuying about 80% of my waking hours with pointless thoughts and questions which I will NEVER know the answers to. Why do I do this to myself? I'll never know. I guess I'm just a massochist. I'm typing surprisingly well for my state. It's really impressive I think. Anyway, there are only a few people who could possibly know what I'm talking about here, what could be driving me so damn insane, but a few weeks back I did something which I now regret. I left something for someone which pretty much laid out my feelings and have yet to hear back from this nameless stranger. I can't possibly know exactly what they're (I know it's bad grammar, but i'm trying to be vague) thinking. But I, being the neurotic obsessive compulsive mess that I am, have thought of just about every possible angle to view the situation. I just can't figure out the reason why. I guess I'm just not supposed to, I'm just supposed to get on with shit. I've never really been one to just quit on something, but I guess in this situation I really have no choice. I don't really regret doing much that I have done, but leaving that note is one thing I definately wish I could take back. I don't even know why I started typing this crap, but it was just something I had to get off my chest. Not that anyone will ever read this. If you do happen do stumble on this crap, however, email me a [email protected] and let me know just how incredibly crazy you think I am. Anyway, I'm gonna try and get some sleep now. It's still before 7 AM, so I can break at least one streak tonight if I try hard enough. Later!
I don't even really know why I'm typing this. Had I started about an hourn ago I might have had something to say, but not so much right now. What I should be doing is trying to sleep. What the fuck does it matter though, because if I can make it through my first day of school, which lasted about 6 fucking hours, on only 2 hours of sleep then I guess I can make it through about half that time on at least 2 hours. I really wish my tv was here so I could hook the surround sound and DVD players up. It should make it's way out here sometime by the end of next month. Right now about the only thing I've got to look forward to in the near future is the Foo Fighter's concert. I really can't wait for that show, but the sooner it's here, the sooner it's gone the sooner I won't have anything else to look forward to. Well I guess after that I can look forward to going to Park City, Utah to go skiing. Yeah, I almost forgot about that. Man, that's gonna be some fun shit. I just hope I don't make too big of an asshole out of myself since I don't know how to ski at all. I'm probably gonna fall and break my ankle or something. Yeah, my ankle if I'm lucky. Anyway, I guess I'll try and get some sleep. Until next time, who the hell cares?
I just flat out don't get it. Today I almost fell asleep at least a half a dozen times during my last class alone, but at 2:30 in the morning I'm wide fucking awake. At least I don't have class until noon so I can maybe get a little more sleep than I got last night. I really need to get a different chair here for my desk, because this one is a gigantic piece of shit. My ass is way too boney for this hard wood piece of shit they try to call a chair. "What's with this chair anyway? My butt's gettin sore!" The one person who might have gotten that may or may not be laughing mildly right now. God knows no one's ever gonna read this crap. As a matter of fact, just to prove it I'll give anyone who does read this a dollar just for reading this, all you have to do is give me a call and tell me "gimme a dollar, mother fucker!!!" and I'll give you a dollar. Okay, that was a flat out lie, I'm not giving you shit. With my luck about 15 people would read this tomorrow and bitch at me when I don't give them a damn thing. Regardless, I don't know where I was going with any of this. I'm gonna go take a shower and Maybe be back...probably not though.
Man, like 5 minutes ago in the shower I had about 50 different things I wanted to say, now I've got nothing. I won't rememebr any of it until I'm trying to sleep either. It's just ridiculous how my mind works. It's a wicked world we live in. Isn't that the truth. The shower head being down around my shins is really starting to get on my nerves. I guess I just need to get used to it. I need to get to the gym sometime soon and start workin out again. It's been way too long. Well I'm gonna try and get some sleep now I guess because you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat.