The Asshole Effect

 

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.

I'm your average white suburbanite slob.

I like football and porno and books about war.

I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.

My wife and my job, my kids and my car.

My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar.

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested

No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense.

-Dennis Leary, “Asshole”

 

For many people, a successful career, welcoming home, hobbies, and a family are enough. However, as Dennis Leary illustrates in the introduction to his song, “Asshole”, some are not satisfied with that. It is the personal interactions with others that provide the fulfillment of a social necessity. Not a social contact through friendly conversation and sharing of activities, but a relationship plagued by malicious verbal and physical attacks, solely for the enjoyment of the asshole. He is a regular functioning member of society, but still requires the pain of others to be content.

An asshole by definition is a vulgar slang insult for a “thoroughly contemptible, detestable person.”[1] However an idiot or a schmuck may fit the same definition, but is not an asshole. The idiot may not be intelligent and may not behave in the most civilized ways, but does not cause any pain to others, other than incidental inconveniences due to his stupidity. The schmuck may act vulgarly towards others, but this is not his defining characteristic, as he only behaves this way out of necessity. An asshole is a person who thrives on pranks, insults, and teasing others. The misfortune of others provides laughter and enjoyment for the asshole. The asshole does not always behave like a jerk, but once he begins he cannot stop. The asshole doesn’t know what to say if he isn’t being an asshole.

A common misconception is that assholes act the way they do because of insecurities in their own lives. In order to further prove themselves a contributing member of society, they point out minute imperfections and cause frustration. This is not true. An asshole does not only cause troubles for the superior and equals, but also for the lower and defenseless. An asshole is not unsure of himself, but instead secure that he is an asshole.

An asshole is a Mexican sophomore trumpet player. Upon arriving at his band rehearsal, he is not entirely satisfied by the music is about to perform with his peers. Instead, he must search for the victim of his attacks. Through the corner of his eye he spots a defenseless freshman. Bingo! He sneaks up on his unsuspecting prey and shoves him in the back. Now he continues to shout insults at the target. “Wanna mess?” “You are so gay, man.” Now he has filled the gap in his delinquent mind. Through his victim’s embarrassment, the sophomore is now complete.

The asshole may seem unscrupulous, without morals. However, the asshole is far worse. The unscrupulous man knows another way but chooses his behavior out of selfishness and laziness. He wants a quick path to success, and only tramples others when they get in his way. The asshole knows no other way. His ill-mannered ways are a result of a psychological gap that must be filled. He attacks those that get in his way as well as innocent bystanders to his rampage.

An asshole does not have to personally attack anyone, but may attack individuals by attacking society. Their complaints may cause others to think that they are inferior if others agree with the way something currently stands. An asshole complains that a test was too difficult, but then receives an A or better. An asshole cheats on a curved test, causing others’ grades to suffer. An asshole commits a crime, gets caught, and complains that the punishment was too severe. An asshole watches TV for five hours a day, and then whines that he doesn’t have any time. An asshole procrastinates, and then states that he has too much work to do. An asshole does not manage their life and doesn’t understand the real world, probably a result of being an asshole their entire lives.

An asshole is a drain on society. Through reckless and thoughtless behavior, he causes pain and discomfort for his fellow man. He cannot be satisfied with any material possession until he has filled his need for being an asshole. An asshole is not so much a character trait as it is an alter ego. The asshole is addicted to his behavior, and his cravings cause a transformation into the beast. This transformation results in a series of teasings, prankings, and physical violent harassments. This collection of proceedings is what can only be recognized as the asshole effect.