Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste;
shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong
part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.
Continue
with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer
unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass is empty. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Room is spinning. Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool. Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Loss of self-control. Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while
complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Lap cool and wet. Fault: Drooling on yourself. Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone
else.
Symptom: Bar blurred. Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not,
complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Sympton: Bar looks like a circus. Fault: You're at a circus. Solution: Go to a bar.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it. Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you
to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth
and dog-ends. Fault: You have fallen over forwards. Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You
cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not
treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim. Fault: The pub is closing. Solution: PANIC!!
