Luke Morris

2/17/2003

The Threat Before Us:  An Axis of Evil

            Liechtenstein must go!  Oh my brothers, the time has come to open our eyes and see the threat that lies before us.  Yes, right there, in the very heart of Europe, lie the enemies of the free peoples of this world, and I am here to tell you they must be stopped.  Though they may seem small, their menace is great, greater than we can possibly imagine, greater even than the Tower of Babel that affronted God before the sundering of the races. 

            We have tried to reason with them.  We have argued our case, begged and pleaded with them before the eyes of the world, that they might stop their diabolical plan and let all men be free from the yoke of tyranny.  But they refuse to listen.  They refuse to listen, my brothers, as they persist in violating the laws of human decency and respect for life.  Their offenses are so great that we could hardly begin to list them here.  We feel, however, that those crimes that strike most dear to the heart of every man must be laid bare, exposed to the world that all men may see and judge Liechtenstein for what it is!  So, it is with a heavy heart that I, myself, undertake this duty.

Are we blind, my brothers?  Can we not see with our own eyes the danger, the grip of fear in which that country holds us, even as I type these very words?  For past precedent supports our expectation of hostile action from the Liechtensteiniens, and I urge this warning upon you all, beware!   For when they do strike, they will strike without mercy, without regard for innocent life.

What have they done, you ask, to lead us to this conclusion?  Let me remind you of the economic crisis of  '79, when this tiny, seemingly innocent nation led the APOC (Amalgamated Producers Of Chocolate) countries in a drastic reduction of exported cocoa supplies, creating a shortage that artificially inflated the price tenfold and drove the world economy into chaos.  And let us not forget the incident of chocogas in the Paris subway station that left sixty-two people with silly grins on their faces.  We also must not ignore the fact that the dictatorial rulers of Liechtenstein brutally censor their own people, in order to prevent anyone from leaking their secret recipes to the Western world.  Brothers, this is nothing to laugh at.  The threat is dire!

I tell you this not to frighten, but to arm you, my brothers, that we may be prepared for whatever doom may befall us in the very near future.  For befall us it shall.  It is inevitable.  There are still those among us who remember the last time we two powers clashed, though it was over a decade ago.  For, though the Allies won that struggle and restored an uneasy peace to the region, we still allowed the regime of the time to retain power.  Oh, shame!  A grave mistake indeed on our part, and one for which we may yet pay dearly.  For within Liechtenstein lies the world’s chocolate supply, and the lives of millions worldwide are at stake. 

What will they do, you ask?  How can a tiny nation such as this possibly be a threat to our might?  Oh my brothers, be not overconfident!  Do not laugh in the face of such danger.  For I tell you, we have documented evidence of Liechtenstein’s plans to flood the world market with a new, superpotent type of chocolate that the people of the world will be powerless to resist.  Indeed, even now they have mad medical scientists working around the clock to produce an unconstitutional hybrid of white and dark chocolate, against the very laws of nature and of civil society, and to release this abomination upon an unsuspecting public.

Therefore we must strike, and strike now!  We must combat the threat while it is still in its infancy, before this small political machine can ally itself with other regimes, such as Belgium and The Netherlands, creating an axis of evil that would threaten the very fabric of our society.  We must show all the world, my brothers, that ours is not a country to tamper with.  We are not a people to be taken lightly!  For Liechtenstein has refused diplomacy, has refused to allow international inspectors to survey the disassembling of its operations, and thus it holds hostage the free peoples of this world, to live in fear of the spread of such monstrous tyranny.  It must be stopped, and only we can stop it.  We must act, so that the world may never again suffer such brutality!

This is not extremism, brothers, not the insane ranting of a power-hungry and lunatic mind.  No, I am merely a humble citizen issuing a dire warning, and a call to action.  The time for words is over.  The time for deeds has come.  Liechtenstein will fall beneath the axe, and we shall be its righteous executioners, in the glorious cause of world freedom.  With God on our side, we shall prevail.  Long live the Republic!