Why does my husband seem to lose his backbone when it comes to the biomom?
A lot of DHs are like that with their ex's. One stepmom described it like this: after talking with their child's mother, they would come back to us with their tails in between their legs. That's pretty much what it is. They have a pattern of relating like this long before we SMs enter the picture. They usually feel guilty because their children are dealing with their parents not being married, they feel guilty for not having their kids all of the time, they feel like they can't win against the BM and BM is well used to having these guys wrapped around her little finger. Yes, unfortunately, the kids see and they know how to work daddy and get him wrapped around their little fingers, too. These DHs feel resentment about all of this stuff deep down which is why they lash out against *us* whenever they think that *we* are trying to push them around.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you won't be able to change any of this. You will only cause stress in your marriage and in your own body if you allow this to keep getting to you. It got to me for far too long, I would get so stressed out about it that I would literally get sick. I would get so upset that the man that I married was acting like such a wimp to his ex-wife and his child, and at the same time he had a steel-plated backbone when it came to me. I finally had to disengage. It's not *my* problem if he lets other people push him around. He obviously doesn't want my help or input so why should I waste my time giving it?

I can say with total honesty that when he is talking to BM, even if she is screaming obscenities at him and he is just taking it (for the sake of SD, he thinks) I have not the slightest desire to interfere. I don't have any inkling to tell him what to tell her and where to put it. He is a big boy and he can take care of himself if he *wants* to. Same thing if SD gets bossy towards him. In fact, since I stopped interfering things have gotten better on all ends. BM has laid off DH. SD has laid off DH. DH is actually more firm with the both of them. But even when he is not, I don't get stressed out and sick over it. And best of all, he's not so mean to me!

Most people don't understand how hard it is to be a stepparent. How can I help them to understand it better?
I have only met ONE PERSON who was not a SM who actually had an understanding for what an SM goes through. Everyone else seems to take the whole "well you *knew* what you where getting into" routine. People who haven't been there, have no clue. They really don't, I know that I sure didn't or I probably wouldn't be here now! People just don't have a clue and they don't WANT to have a clue, they'd rather just live in their naive little world of Cinderella.

Shortly after I married, I rented a book on stefamilies from the library (I don't remember what it was called) and they gave a beautiful illustration of this. Imagine that you are going on a job interview. You learn a little about the company and the boss and they get to know you. Then, you get offered the job. You go to what will be your office and meet your future co-workers and see your desk. You even get to talk to your future co-workers and get to know them. Do you know exactly what it will be like to work there at this point? NO. You will not know exactly what you are getting yourself into until you start working there and you learn what your co-workers are really like. You find that the guy next to you likes to bully everyone and the lady across the way likes to gossip about everyone and that the guy at the end of the row likes to tattle on everyone. You find out just how moody and rude your boss is. You had no idea what you were getting into until you got there!

Makes sense about the workplace but people don't think about it that way when you jump into a marriage with kids already in the picture and an ex-wife to deal with and often judgmental ILs.

Why don't I love his kids like my own?
You may be confused because you love your husband, but you lack that love for his children. It is a big common misconception that if you love someone, you will (or have to!) love their children. You can love someone and have no good feelings towards their child. I was there for the first year or two of my marriage. Things have changed and I love my SD very much now and we have a fun relationship. Don't make yourself feel bad for not loving his children like they were yours. Loving someone else's child does not come naturally, especially the longer you meet the kids after they are babies. Being a stepparent is not easy and it often comes with a lot of expectations. Drop the expectations and work with what you have and see if things don't get a little easier. Give the relationship some time, and you will probably grow to love your skids in time.

Someone told me that my husband's first priority should be his kids. I thought that I, his wife, should be. Who's right?
The marriage definitely needs to be his first priority! When I was growing up, my mom told me that I was the single most important person in her life. (I had a SF and s-siblings.) I can still remember how uncomfortable that made me feel! I did not even *want* to be in that position. I felt--rightly so--that it wasn't the position that I should have been in. Not only that, but knowing that gave me such a feeling of power and you better believe that I tested my mom on that one. I did everything I could to get SF in trouble and see who she would side with, usually it was me. I think that most kids who are put in the position of being the *most* important react like that. You'd think that it would give kids a great sense of security but it does the opposite, it gives the kid a great sense of insecurity. No kid really wants to be the most important person in their parents' life, it puts too much pressure on the kid. I always felt like I had to be perfect so as to never let my mom down.

As the wife, I *want* to be in the position of being the most important person in my husband's life. I am in no way saying that he should ignore his daughter or neglect her because of me. I really believe that she needs to the next most important person to my husband and a *huge* priority in his life. But it just isn't right for someone to expect kids to be a person's highest priority. The marriage partner is there for life, whereas the kids go on to start their own families or do whatever after so many years.

If that is considered a control issue by some, then so be it. Anyone who believes that kids should come before the marriage needs to have a real priority check. The marriage will fail (and so many do!) when the kids are given the wrong priority, and the kids aren't any happier either. If it is BMs making these comments, did they ever consider that maybe a reason that they are divorced is because they decided to put their children over their (now ex) husband?

Dh won't make his kids do anything, so I do it. I feel like such a nag. What can I do?
I used to feel like the big nag: brush your teeth, brush your hair, change your underwear, go to the bathroom before you go to bed, blah, blah, blah. I fianlly disengaged, I quit being the nag. So now she doesn't brush her teeth every day, or she doesn't always go out into public with brushed hair, or might wear the same underwear all weekend. Oh, well. It won't kill her. And I am so much less stressed. Sometimes if I'm feeling nice, I'll remind her to brush her teeth or whatever, but that's it. If she doesn't want to or daddy doesn't make an issue of it then she doesn't do it. No skin off my back. And yes, I hear them bickering fairly often these days because she doesn't want to listen to him either. So much better than me stressing out over it and winding up in a fight with DH!! He eventually did figure it out and start to parent her instead of allowing her to start a bicker-fest.

Dh, BM, In-laws and just about everyone else seems to think that just because I have not given birth, I am clueless about parenting. What's that all about?
Someone once said that giving birth makes one a good mom like owning a piano makes one a fine musician. That is so true! I have years of child care experience and a child-related B.A. but some people think that I am completely incompetent when it comes to helping to raise my SD simply because I have not given birth. I think that with my background and the fact that I am not biologically related (less likely to be sentimental) I make a good stepmom! I have a lot of education and experience with children of all ages so I have a good idea of what to expect and how to deal with children.

My skid's mom gets so bent out of shape over what clothes they wear over there and she tries to tell me what to do with the clothes at my house! What can I do?
Do what you feel is best at YOUR house! Clean the kid's clothes even if it upsets BM, who cares? I would not let BM tell me what I can or cannot do in my own house. The clothes belong to the skids, not her. It's sad how attached BMs can get to their children's clothing. My SD is always worried about what underwear to wear back to her mom's and I tell her each time, "They're your underwear. Wear whichever ones you want to wear. All that matters is that you have enough at each house." I try not to stress out about it, so that SD doesn't have to worry, but I can tell that BM is stressing about it at the other house.

The only thing that bugs me is when DH allows SD to wear clothes back that we bought for here and then hands the clothes from BMs house to BM. I tell SD that if they keep doing that, she won't have any clothes here and she'll have to go around naked. That seemed to work! Oh, there is another thing that does bug me. When BM sends SD here in old clothes that don't fit anymore and then SD refuses to wear them back because they don't fit (crying and all) so she goes back wearing a nice outfit that we bought. But, I buy clothes that are major bargains, so it doesn't hurt our pocketbook too badly. The only person that you can control is you and you don't want to cause unnecessary stress on your skids.

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