When in Texas................
For reasons too bizarre to go into, I have traveled to Texas once. Like their motto says, "Texas - it's a whole other country." I should have taken the grammar as an indicator of things to come. The language, the customs, and the people are indeed otherworldly, not other-countred-ly. When I first got to this little town outside of Dallas, I didn't know a soul, and needed some late night entertainment at my hotel, so I went to the video store for a movie. I asked for a Jackie Chan movie. I was told to look in "the asswhippin� section."
To say that there is a large Asian population here is like saying the ocean is very damp. I read that there is one policeman for every 1500 residents in this city. There is one Vietnamese restaurant for every 65 residents. There was also a huge Indian/Pakistani population at this small town. There are restaurants all over proclaiming the best "Halal meat" in town. Is Halal a breed of goat? Quite tasty, though. There are huge areas of the city where there aren't ANY signs in English. Even the street signs, all of them are in Espanola. I do say, however, that those Mexicans can make quite the delicious taco. Well done, Mr. Bush, on the stra-teg-ery on the road to di-ver-sit-y.
One of the hot restaurant items is called a "Kolache" or a �Corn Dawg�. This is a hot dog on a stick, covered with biscuit dough, and then baked. I found it quite interesting that no nationality or race seems to claim this �Corn dawg� as their own. Quite puzzling, indeed. By the way, no Irish people, so they knew I was a �Yank� the minute they saw me, or as one put it a, �Ted Kennedy cock suckin� mutherfucker.� Scared yet?
The roads there were the worst I've ever seen. Screw Massachusetts - the lack of maintenance in Texas is staggering. I have seen better work done on the Mir Space Station. The state flag should be a field of orange construction barrels rampant on a backdrop of cracked and broken asphalt. The potholes there are so big they could swallow small children. it almost made me to believe the movie, "Tremors", was actually a true story. They have designed the freeways so that the people who want to exit them, have to cross lanes with those who are entering the freeway. Wait, they�re not FREEways. There are toll roads everywhere. It was like New Hampshire, but 1000 times bigger - with cow bones everywhere.
I had an old man next to me who carries his shotgun to and from his car, with his pittbull, every time he leaves the apartment. He carries it at ''port arms'', like he�s expecting those �pesky Ind-jins� to open up on him with semi-automatics from behind the dumpster. From what I read, and with this state�s gun laws, he should maybe worry about the school children.
The climate here is most like the Serengeti - it will often be 96 degrees at midnight. If Hell is a hot grill, then Texas is a fucking microwave � filled with �corn dawgs�.
I saw an ad on TV and radio there for "Boogers Bed and Breakfast." I don�t make this shit up. I can see myself hung over, and bleeding from the eyes and ears for a night�s worth of Tequila, then going down to breakfast and hearing, "Good morning, I'm Booger � would ya like some gritz?." The liquor stores here sell ''diamonds''. I ask for �ice� on a hot day, and I get a guy opening up his jacket full of �Rollexx� watches � wearing NO clothes. Disturbing. I bought two of them, just so I didn't have to see any more of his "jewels".
There is a constantly running TV ad for a "sleep system" certified by the "Space Foundation". The �Space Foundation� purports this �sleep system� to be "gravity defying". What the fuck is the �Space Foundation� and when did a bed become a �sleep system�?
There is one good thing though. Well two, but not everyone likes football. There is a Texas cure-all. I asked the hotel clerk what was the best thing in Texas. He says, �Are you depressed? Lose your job/dog/wife? Well we here in Texas have a cure - "Don't worry, lets go to the titty bar!" It was the only thing keeping me sane. Thank you for listening. Try the veal.
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