What Women Want? I Have No Idea!
Mel Gibson in the film, �What Women Want�, knew what women wanted because he could hear their thoughts. I unfortunately do not have the lucky gift that got Mel so��lucky (pun intended). I do have many theories as to what women do want; and I have come to the bitter conclusion - all of them are probably wrong.
Most of the time men come up with excuses (including myself) as to why they were dumped, why she didn�t call, and why did she place a restraining order on me?
These excuses of rejection fall into three categories. The first is the excuse as to why the girl that you have seen for the first time in your life is with someone else and not with you.
�Why is she with him? That guy is a fucking loser.�
Big words (your name here)-san; but can you back it up? My social karate play on words with the opposite sex is the argumentative equivalent of shit. Ergo, I invariably must, as a �man�, defend my ego by thinking if the woman is not with me - then the guy she is with - must be a fucking loser. And most of the time, he isn�t really a loser, but so much so a �lucky asshole�. There is a difference.
The second excuse is generated after you determine that the girl just isn�t interested you. The excuse is something like, �She must have a boyfriend�, or probably the more common, �She�s a lesbian.� After all, no man could possibly imagine that after all their struggles in courtship that to actually make it so far as to talk with a female that he could possibly be rejected for any other reason. The nerve! Take asking a girl for a drink for example. If the woman does accept the offer and invites you into a conversation there is a risk that she may start the slow and painful ritual of attachment which involves pulling you into the tangled web of her mind, and eventually assimilating your soul so that she can gain your knowledge and power. Or, at the least, a free alcoholic beverage. Women have a magical power that no man has been able to resist, not even Rosie O�Donnell.
The third excuse is used if, and only if, you actually make it to that first date with the girl you so perfectly courted; and after that date, she decides that she is not interested. This excuse goes something like, �She must have a boyfriend�, or probably more common, �She�s a lesbian.� Sound familiar? I say it all the time, bro. And you and I aren�t the ONLY ones.
When this happens I always manage to boost my ego by assuming she just wanted to give it one last chance with the sexiest most handsome man she could find in the entire bar: ME. When I make it to the BIG TIME in whatever career I choose, comedy, rapping, international drug dealer; I will be able to walk away with the thought that, �This girl just threw something great away.� Then I wake up, and realize that what she just threw away was probably an investment she didn�t even want to wait for.
Of course very, very seldom are any of these excuses true. In fact, I have only experienced this once. After investing some serious time into a very attractive woman at a bar in Boston, who actually paid attention to me, she informed me that she not only had a boyfriend, but lives with him as well. I have two words for you, sweetie: full-disclosure. But hey, at least she TOLD me before I attempted to buy her a drink, so her having a boyfriend, makes total and complete sense. And I saved 5 bucks that will go towards Sean�s liver bucket.
I don�t know what women want. And If I did, I wouldn�t be sitting here writing a missive that is less interesting than Martha Stewart�s stock trading practices. Instead, I would be living off the royalties from my book which would be titled "What Women Want � and why, for only 19.99 plus tax - I Can Show You".
Whatever women do want, it appears, I do not have. And if I do, then I am a clueless piece of shit that terribly �didn�t get the memo�.
Really the only thing I know about women is what I want in a woman. I am picky. I admit it. Even worse I know I am not the GQ cover model everyone thinks I am. So what gives me the right to be picky? I am like a young Charlton Heston minus the looks, toughness, and deep pockets. I do have guns though��.lots of them.
Because I am picky I usually have high standards. The first thing I notice about a female is the way she looks. No need to go into detail, I notice looks first. And if you don�t, then you�re then you are either a liar or you are blind.
But what I am trying to conquer here, is noticing her also for her mind. Men (and they often do) shouldn�t pretend to know what goes on inside a woman�s mind. Moreover, I think it is probably best if women stayed out of men�s minds. If women knew what men really thought about, I think humanity would have died out long ago. Or at the least our world would end up being be one really big porno flick.
I can say through my experiences with women, that they are the most inconsistent creatures ever created. They think one thing; then do another. They feel emotions that are seldom expressed; and they express emotions that they seldom feel. Men deal with things totally different. The process is quite simple. Men look at something, determine what they feel is the best course of action, and while possibly, but not always consulting another fellow man, take that course of action to its completion.
For example, when trying to put purchased goods back into the box they originally came in, a woman will take her time and place every part neatly back into their original places. Men will attempt to do this, but the rational is that once something enters the box it is a foul to remove it again. So when the last piece doesn�t fit the man will try to make it fit. This would be known as packaging the item �man-fashion�. �Man-fashion� usually implies the direct or indirect use of force. There is direct force on the object, which usually results in breaking the object, and indirect force, which usually involves the yelling or threatening of whoever is closest to the activity at the time. If the person closest happens to be the man�s significant other, this often results in crying or hurt feelings. There are exceptions to every rule. This "man-fashion" rule does not work with road maps. In fact there is a complete role reversal when it comes to road maps. I have yet to meet a woman who can properly fold a road map. And I have yet to meet a man to ever ADMIT to using a road map, because if where behind the wheel, we all think we�re fucking Magellan of the Highways.
In conclusion, I have no idea what I just wrote. I would seriously doubt that anyone read this entire entry, and there really isn�t much that can be taken from this. I didn�t provide any advice, suggestions, or inspirations. I simply stated my observations. I state the truth. The truth can be scary, the truth may hurt, but it is what it is � to me, at least.