Does it seem like the world is filled (and in our government�s case, ruled) with time wasting, hypocritical morons? Does everybody hate you because of your superior intellect? Does your profound commentary on everything go un-noticed by your peers? Maybe it�s time to read the Insta-Cynic How-To Guide. Let�s get cynical!
In order to become a successful cynic, one must establish clear opinions on everything. You might think this would require actual thinking, but you�re wrong. I find it doesn�t really matter what or if you think (Just look at our President! He can�t think for shit, look where it got him!) � just pick the opposite of what everybody else thinks, and stay consistent. You can also save yourself from the tedium of research by simply making up facts. I do it all the time! Who will prove you wrong? If anyone contradicts you, call them �naive�, �ignorant", or the always commonly used "flip-flopping asshole". This brings us to the first rule of cynicism:
Cynic Rule #1: �Everybody else is wrong.�
Remember, this includes people who agree with you. Make sure your arguments aren�t coherent enough to allow any real debate. If it seems like you�re stuck, try switching sides and then denying your earlier position, it worked wonders for Al Gore and Tom Daschle. It should be the Democratic Party�s slogan, for Christ�s sake.
Cynic Rule #2: "I am an expert on everything."
As long as you don�t have a problem with lying and taking quotes out of context this one is pretty easy. �A good bullshitter believes his lie actually happened in reality.� That�s the Republican Party�s slogan, by the way.
Cynic Rule #3: The position being taken by the opposition is directly responsible for everything from terrorism to the time you fell off your bike in second grade.
The really fun part of being a cynic lies in blame shifting. With a dash of pseudo-intellectualism and a pinch of evidence, you can make it seem like Mother Theresa was responsible for World War II! Or that Saddam Hussein actually poses a credible threat to the United States, even though the CIA said in October 2002 he doesn�t! How do you think the Republicans and Democrats get delegates that believe in the shit that is fed to them? Remember, the Republicans and Democrats are represented by a Donkey and an Elephant, so their shit stinks to high heaven. This one takes a while to master, so be sure to practice at home in front of a mirror. If you just can�t seem to pull it off, resort to insulting the physical appearance of your opponent.
Cynic Rule #4: Always belittle your opponent, not only is it easy, but fun!
Suggested insults:
You obviously have no idea what you�re talking about�.. fatass.
Go read a book you fucking incoherent, illiterate, moronic shit for brains.
That would be true, sir� if you weren�t so ugly. Christ, seriously, I haven't seen anything that ugly since the 1989 SuperBowl, or when the WWE showed a naked 90 year old woman sleeping with a fat man during one of their pay per views. I'd rather see donkey balls.....with a bad case of elephantitis. You should wear a mask or something.
No offense, but (insert horribly offensive comment here). Example: �No offence, but is that your face or is did something die a horrible death while crawling into your shirt? I'd get the biohazard team in on that one, Michael Jackson (His face, along with his career, is deteriorating slowly before our eyes).�
Belittling your opponent is key in establishing your intellectual superiority. For this reason you should probably stick to easy targets like fat feminist chicks (because good looking feminist chicks are always right), or really stupid frat brothers and sorostitutes (a.k.a Sorority girls). Nerds might seem like easy targets, but don�t be fooled by their soft, pudgy exterior! Many a cynic has been ruined and conquered by their uncanny, sarcastic wit. You can�t comeback to stuff that you don�t understand � I know, because I was a fellow nerd myself. I am now just an ranting alcoholic with a wide range of vocabulary. In high school, however, I�d comeback to kids making fun of my glasses and nerd-like posterior by using big words they didn�t understand like ecumenical, capricious, or pseudophilosohpical, and attach "asshole" or "peckahead" to the end of it. Then, while they thought what the definition was, I ran away to avoid the oh so feared atomic wedgie.
Overall, if you have relatively good hair, money, great acting skill, and a can-do attitude, you won�t have much trouble becoming a cynic. The most important thing to remember is however inane your points, however half-assed you arguments, as long as you pick people stupider than you to pick on not only will you always have a leg up on victory, but nobody will know. Stupid people aren�t hard to identify, look for people with �WWJD� bracelets or who wear Abercrombie and Fitch clothing. Both born-again Christians who really think that their priests "didn't" touch their kid and wanna be Goths who are just die hard Marylin Manson fans holding on to dear life are fairly easy targets for the well-practiced cynic. Keep this in mind and maybe someday you can have a satisfying relationship with a pet iguana or something. Good luck!