THE 2003 BOSTON RED SOX: THIS IS THE YEAR (FOR THE 85th TIME)!
It�s that of year folks, baseball time. As just as we start the season off on March 31st (and it�s fucking snowing outside), it seems like things never change for the boys of summer. Nomar�s bitching to the press, Pedro�s bitching about his contract, and Manny�s still Manny (A mute with a new hairdo that will have 30 HRs-130 RBIs. You know after his stunt with playing the Styles, �I Gets High� song before his at-bat last year versus Tampa? That made him more likeable amongst stoners like me. He fits in with the Red Sox perfectly, with the exception of the fact he could fit in well with the 2002 New York Mets. I can definitely see him taking bong hits in the dugout between innings on that team). Now, for their yearly weaknesses! They have an inadequate starting pitching staff, no closer, short on left handed pitching, questions on first base, and I still can�t get laid - well that has nothing to do with our Red Sox, just a personal admission. Opening Day however, is a special day in the Red Sox Nation. Sometimes it is the last day Sox fans still believe ''This is the year.'', as Dan Shaughnessy put it in the Boston Globe.
The Red Sox have a history of failure, particularly to the New York Yankees. For the first time ever in major League Baseball, last year clinched the fact the Red Sox have finished in second place BEHIND the Yankees for the 5th straight year. Only the Red Sox could have records like that. I often relate my personal failure with dating to the Red Sox�s failure of winning. That�s how much the Red Sox symbolize the negativity in the air of this magical place I call New England. Like every other New Englander with a problem, I blame my problems on something else. So of course, I blame my curse on dating to whom else, the Bambino. Babe Ruth, that fat fuck, has to not only curse my favorite baseball team, but my pecka as well. Example: I was at a huge game versus the Yankees last year. One on, one out. Nixon tries to get the sacrifice, move the runner along, and strikes out trying to lay a bunt!!! I totally know how he feels in disgust walking back to the dugout, because I strike out every time I try to lay a girl. Remember Tony Clark?? He sucked donkey balls with a bad case of elephantitis; he had the worst On Base Percentage, EVER.. He gets up to the plate next, and he strikes out on 3 pitches, ending the inning. !!! Every fan is booing him except me -so, I yell some encouragement, �HEY TONY BABY IT�S OK, KEEP YA HEAD UP � I CAN�T GET ON BASE FOR SHIT EITHER!� And this guy got paid 6 million dollars last year! Only the Red Sox, dude, I swear to Holy Christ. Thank God he is off the team, but some overpaid player will take his place, and his name is John Burkett. I hate that guy, although, because of shitty players like him, they wouldn�t be the Boston Red Sox. This team LIVES off their flaws-this baseball team is not complete WITHOUT them. It would be like watching without American Idol without seeing Paula Abdul say, �good job� to every god awful performance, it just wouldn't be the same.
Back to the Yankees. They have every thing covered. Solid lineup one through nine, seven quality starting pitchers, with another 2 on the DL, a decent bullpen with a closer, a minor league system filled with stars.. That is the difference between our bullpen and theirs � they have a closer, we don�t. It�s always what the Red Sox DON�T have � that is what I focus on. But people still believe, however. An ESPN analyst picked the Sox to win the Series this year. What a dick. Why don�t you just pull out a bobblehead voodoo doll of Pedro Martinez and stick the pins in his right shoulder and elbow while you are at it!
Larry Lucchino is somewhat optimistic. He feels we can overthrow the Yankees off their yearly throne which is the AL East Pennant. He, during the winter, called Steinbrenner and the Yankees organization the �Evil Empire� after the Yankees signing (or outbidding I should say, baseball is nothing more than a human auction without a salary cap) of Cuban Superstar pitcher, Jose Contreras. As my roomate Mark once told a Yankees fan who yelled at us in Manhattan, "At least we don't buy our players and championships." Lucchino was still hopeful, however, as he was quoted in the Globe, ''Despite their obvious market advantages, I think we can be competitive with the Empire.'' Hey, I think we can too, Larry. I mean after all, the Jedi defeated them in the Star Wars trilogy, didn�t they? Or was that the Anaheim Angels, which by the way, what hole did THEY crawl out of. They came out of leftfield, literally. I just hope they don�t make it this year, because I hate that fucking rally monkey and those stupid annoying thundersticks. Disney owns them too, by the way, another reason to loathe them.
We also have a new GM this year, 28 year old Theo Epstein from Yale. After leaving �Welcome back, Kotter�, he starting working for the San Diego Padres (Lucchino was his boss there, too) at the tender age of 24 as the P.R. representative for the club. He joined the Sox last year, and now, he is the guy in charge of the decisions. I mean, this guy is YOUNG. There are songs on WZLX that came out before he was even an embryo! He probably sits around with his frat buddies from Yale and while playing the card game asshole, drunkenly discusses how he can improve on his pitching staff while at the same time throwing down a social. I do have faith in this guy, however. He has had a lot of solid acquisitions, particularly on offense. The Sox are a good candidate to lead the league in runs scored this year, as well as improvement in base stealing. Too bad, however, they�ll still lose. They�ll find a way, somehow. They always do. Don�t blame him on Casey Fossum non deal for Colon, however. He didn�t make that trade because he knows Shea Hillenbrand will have a monster season, and could either a) keep him or b) get more later on in trade value. The guy knows what he is doing, the question is, �Will it work?� We also got some big time stats guy in Bill James, and I don�t know who the fuck he is.
Here is my prediction for the Red Sox. They will start off strong, winning 45 of their first 60 games. Then, at mid-season, go into interleague play, and limp into the All Star break with a losing streak. Then they will come out hot and win 9 of their next 12, just because they play the Devil Rays, and they always suck ass. Then they will be a game behind the Yankees, then get swept in the series in New York, then lose 75% of their games on the West Coast swing. Then the yearly bedroom shit stains that are August and September will arrive, but the Red Sox will weather the storm, have a Triple Crown player in Manny Ramirez; a Cy Young Winner in Pedro Martinez; solid seasons from Wakefield, Lowe, and Hillenbrand; a career year from Nomar Garciaparra; lead the league in runs scored, RBI, and ERA; win 94 games; AND NOT EVEN MAKE THE FUCKING PLAYOFFS! *I have come to the realization that Michael Moore will get invited to a White House dinner before the Boston Red Sox will win a championship in my lifetime � I am convinced.
Sound like last year? Sounds like every year, so don�t expect less. However, again relating dating to baseball, a girl once told me I will find true love. She said, �Remember, Sean, Great things happen to you when you least expect it. All you can do is hope, put yourself in good situations, and you�ll find what you�re looking for. If it doesn�t turn out great, then fine, at least you got laid and had a good time.� And with the Red Sox, I couldn�t put it better myself. Drama creates great theater, and no one brings more drama in sports than the Boston Red Sox. Just enjoy the ride and �Play Ball!�