Broken: Part Three “Sedative”

By: Hikari

4/22/00

Notes: none.

All disclaimers apply.

*****

Fifteen. This is the fifteenth time I’m sleeping over at Kurama’s place. He wouldn’t allow me to be outside in this condition. Though, I really didn’t have much of a choice- I’m too drugged to even help myself. So here I am. In the living room, sleeping on the couch. More accurately, in the living room, LOOKING at the ceiling, TOSSING

on the couch. My body wants rest, but my mind won’t permit it. My Yukina… getting married. I wish your brother would be there to give you away. What family have you, but me? This is what I have been dreading for the longest time- I often denied it, but at last it came true. You’re leaving me to start a family of your own. I won’t dare stop you, this is you’re happiness. It’s enough that I’ve taken lives at the age of five, but to strip you away of your smile to keep for myself is just cruel.

The springs inside the cushions of the couch squeak a little as I turn to my side and embrace my pillow. Everyone is asleep. I am awake. What for? Nothing, but to waste hot tears into these sheets- they absorbing them before they had a chance to crystallize into their true worth. I’ve never needed anyone or anything to comfort me. I don’t WANT anyone to do such a thing- it’s weak. But then look what happened, I’m muffling my wails with a pillow. It’s so ironic, to find such sedative in an insignificant thing. I’m pretty sure Kurama knows what I’ve been doing. Many times, in the morning before his schooling, I see him rubbing his fingers across my bedding curiously. I just look away and watch the sights uninterestedly on the veranda. Yes, he knows. Why else would he polish his fingers together after touching the sheets, and then look at me poignantly? Kurama, you are too kind. Out of everyone, you’re the only one aware of my sufferings.

I don’t want to wake him from his room. Make him lose sleep over my stupid tears. They’re not even for anyone- and that just cheapens them. This bothers me the most: Then why am I crying? For myself again?

Hn. I wonder how it feels…to be held in someone else’s arms and not be frightened anymore. That is comfort. From a friend, a mother, a brother, or sister. Father, no. I’ve never seen him, but I know I hate him. Making love to my mother and leaving her like that- not even caring about her needs. And I’m supposed to look like him. This in sickens and increases my hate immeasurably. I can’t stand to think of myself as a mistake of nature. But my life just PROVES that. There is no purpose in my being, so doesn’t that confirm the idea I AM a living mistake?

I should no longer be surprised that my life has abandoned me. I was born to whither and die. If I died, wouldn’t this world be relieved of a curse? Kurama wouldn’t have to give shit about me, I won’t have to keep on lying, the idiot won’t have to put up with me; and I WON’T have to put up with him, Yusuke and the rest would go on living, and Yukina… Yukina will have her own family to love. If I died, there will no longer be blood. At least, no more in my hands than I already have. I do hate myself. For everything I have done. My whole life is pointless! What do I do? I kill. Kill kill kill KILL. I shouldn’t be in existence for what I do. I used to enjoy it, but not anymore. If someone killed my sister, if someone killed Kurama or Yusuke permanently- I couldn’t say anything because that marks me as a hypocrite. I criticize a killer, when I myself have done worse? Does a soul like that deserve a body?

Of course, Mukuro would never let me pass on. It’s not in her best interest for me to leave life. She’ll keep on resurrecting me until she herself dies. God is mocking me. He won’t release me from these damned chains. What do you want of me?!?! Does it content you to see me crumble like this before you?!?! Just throw me into Hell!!!! You’re only prolonging the inevitable! I don’t want to cry like this anymore… this feeling… of loneliness and failure… it’s worse than any attack I have EVER encountered…