Broken: Part Six “ Recollection”

5/8/00

Notes: None.

All disclaimers apply.

*****

How calm it is tonight. No cars, no people, nothing. Even the usual chirping from crickets are silent. I look up to the sky, my wispy bangs sliding over the bridge of my nose. There are no stars, just the eerie yellow moon. The glow it emitted gives a peculiar tinge to the streets I am walking through. It makes me wonder, how long has it been since that orb shown rays of white? Never mind… it makes sense that something as great as the moon won’t bask me in its purity. Hn. I’m undeserving. I guess it is fitting for me to receive this dirty color. The last that I have ever seen true white… was in Yukina’s pearls, when she saw the ring the idiot had bought her. She looked so happy… to the extent that she had shed quiet tears. When no one was looking, I quickly pocketed one of her priceless gems. Every night, I would look at it- to remind me how blessed I am to have such a wonderful sister. Then something happened… I lost the pearl, and I was never able to find it. Not even with my jagan.

I pass another turn around a curb, and peek into a window. I had looked into and out through many windows before. Some might call it my hobby. Maybe it’s because the window is very much like my whole life. Every time I wanted something… sincerely wanted something… for instance… love… I was never able to reach it. There was always something blocking my way. Regrettably, what’s blocking my way is simple glass. A clear sheet. I can never break it… I can only look through it. I can watch other people wallow in their happiness, but that’s all I can do. WATCH. Watch others smile in delight. Watch them run freely among the lush grass…Watch them have the simple, yet meaningful things, that I have never known in the expanse of my gray years. I can stretch my fingertips as far as I can, and all that they would feel is cold, lifeless, glass. Not air, not a breeze, not the warmth of the sun. GLASS.

My eyes inspect what is inside this building. This must be what those ningens call a pharmacy. Medicines are lined up in their respective bottles, to be viewed by this pane. One of the bottles catches my eye- the label reads: Valium. For some reason, the label is bothering me… Valium… If I- remember correctly….

*****

“YOU BASTARD!!! DAMN YOU!! GIVE IT TO ME!!! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!”

My arms flail frantically, but I can’t reach it. He won’t let me have it. He won’t give me my liquor! He raises his arm higher, desperately trying to avoid my violent clawing. I need a drink, I must have it… I need it!!! He won’t let me… he won’t give it to me… ASSHOLE!!! He pushes me over, and runs out to the veranda- throwing the alcohol far into the night. The liquid inside dribbles out, spilling yellow-brown in mid-air.

The metal of the canister clangs against the pavement, and what could be leaves and branches.

We’re both out of breath, more so Kurama for fighting against my fit. His shirt was completely torn to shreds, I even scrapped off some of the skin on his face. His cheek was drenched red, as red as his hair. But that wasn’t all- he was also bleeding from the mouth, and my hands were chalk-full of his strands. They wrapping around my arm, entwined within each other- weaving in between my bony fingers. I stand-up, stumbling in the process- narrowly missing hitting the corner of a wooden table. Straightening myself up as much as possible, I scream at him.

“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!?!”

He yells back, equally enraged. I could tell, there’s no mistaking it. His eyes flickered dangerously, wide even. His teeth were bared, and his whole form quaked with efforted restrain. “HIEI YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR!!! YOU’RE GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!!!”

“WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOU?!?! I’LL DO WHAT I WISH WITH MY BODY!!! I DON’T CARE!!!”

“YOU’RE BEING A DAMNED FOOL! DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO LIVE FOR?!?!”

My knees suddenly buckle as his words sent a wave of agony through what’s left of my being, making me sink to the ground. I can’t bear to look at my friend. I’m such a burden to him. I’m a burden to everyone. Why should anyone give a thought about me? Who could care for this soul… doused repeatedly in a pool of acidic corruption- it eating me away from genuine existence. I have the flesh, I have the soul, but despite the two of these- there is no living. My body is already rotting. It has been for months- this soul, this spirit died away too long ago- before Yukina’s engagement. I have no goals, nor do I have anything positive to show for. What there is are: misery, envy, loneliness, and desolation. Against my will, I begin to cry. Not just cry… but WAIL… BAWL OVER… like a pathetic dog. This was the first time I had ever cried in front Kurama. He was shocked to say the least. Again, he tries to console me- but I bitterly shove him away. My tears were searing hot, at least… they felt like it. They hardened when they reached the floor- into clear diamonds. Diamonds that meant nothing… were worth nothing. For a moment, I sense Kurama leave my side, then come back a few minutes later. He kneels beside me, gentle hand rested on my trembling shoulder. In between my gasps of air, he covered my mouth with his right hand, and slipped something inside. With his left, he pulls my head upward- making me swallow it. After that, the surroundings about me begin to haze… then all went black.

*****

I blink as I shake my head out of its trace. What Kurama had given me… were drugs. They were to slow my pulse and put me into a dreamless sleep. I could never imagine him taking that kind of medication- he bought it for me. He KNEW I would lose it. Especially since it was carrot-top’s proposal night. We had went out for dinner at an expensive French restaurant. I can’t remember any of the events that took place there. Except that… I was the only one who wasn’t smiling, and that I didn’t touch a thing on my plate. Later that night, we all retired home. I had left my katana and normal attire at Kurama’s dorm, and went with him to recover my belongings. While I was there, I discovered that my drink was missing from one of the folds in my cloak. There could only be one thief who would dare to steal from me.

At the time though, I was more delusional than my already broken state. I wanted to make the hurt go away, and I only knew of one thing that could do that for me. The catch was, it would affect everything else about me. Kurama knew that. The kind of alcohol I’ve been drinking is deadly. Since I haven’t been eating, often I would throw-up my stomach acids instead. If not that, then blood or mucus. All of that physical pain… to stop the emotional pain.

Kuwabara… you took everything I ever lived for… I’m not angry at you- you make her happy. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous… But the truth is… I’m sad. I’m empty. This body I have… is as heavy as lead, but hollow and drained of all health. I love Yukina so much, and she was swept away before I had a chance to really be a brother to her. Now, as a favor, Kuwabara… promise to give Yukina everything I wasn’t able to… Kuwabara… love her for me… for she can never lay her eyes on mine again.