Broken: Part Fifteen “Just Rewards…”

7/10/00

By: Hikari

Notes: I am going to rate this part a very VERY strong R. It’s not so much the language, but what actually happens in this story. I will not in any way accept flames for this particular part for you have been clearly warned.

~*~*~*~

Little girl’s voice: “What is it like…? What is it like to die…?”

Man’s voice: “…”

“Does it hurt…? Is it like sleeping…? I want to know…”

“You have your whole life ahead of you… Don’t think of such things…”

“But if we live and then we die… What’s the point?”

“The point is the end…”

~*~*~*~

Darkness…

It’s never ending. The room I was in disappeared, and I find myself left alone here. I bring my hands to my face; I cannot see them- only feel them as they touch my skin lightly. It’s too dark. I can’t see the floor, the walls, not even my legs- nothing. I can tell that Kurama and that man are no longer at my side. Their company had vanished along with the light. My ears prick up as the sound of footsteps proceed in my direction. I look onward, which was really pointless, however at this point- the presence of anyone would prove to be very comforting.

“You’re being selfish again…” The owner of the voice draws closer. The body heat he owns, radiates from his skin and bounces off of mine. No, I’m definitely not alone- not as I had previously thought…

“Don’t be like this anymore… you don’t realize whom you are hurting…” I feel the person kneel down to my level, taking my cold blood-drained face into his palms and caressing it lovingly. The touch… was soft and kind- so so loving. Thumbs underline my eyes- other fingers trace my lips… Tapping, stroking with incredible subtlety… I’ve… I’ve never been touched like this before. The hairs on my skin react to the warm sensation, a searing tear escaping from my eye and landing on this person’s wrist. The dimness here lightens just barely. Everything which was once in the facilities was gone- leaving a vacant and barren zone with no walls or flooring whatsoever. The colors of gray, silver, and midnight blue stretched as far as the eye can see- almost like an abyss or maybe sub-space. My attention shifts from the environment to the person holding me with great tenderness. Irises move from his pale chest to his neckline, from his chin to his face. I gasp and draw away. This person touching me… he was my worst adversary… he was the one whom I hated with a passion… the one I wanted to kill so badly…

He was myself.

“You…” I wrath, preparing to dig my nails into his face and literally rip it off. Instead of fighting back, he holds up his right palm –frayed and worn- as a peaceful halt to my actions. The expression on his face… or… MY face was solemn, tired. Hands run numb. I cannot do as I wish.

“Do we hate ourselves that much?” He spoke softly. “Every time we see a mirror- will we always shatter it?”

“Who are you supposed to be?! Don’t you dare give me: ‘I’m you…’ because I will never believe it!!!”

For a while, he says nothing and in the short amount of elapsed time- I examine him. This ‘me’ was thin, absolutely scrawny. Burn marks, scars, blemishes, and bruises were arrayed over his whole form as though they were décor. His eyes were exhausted and the white was an unhealthy shade of yellow. Lips were dry and cracked, bleeding slightly at several of the creases in flesh. Alcohol lingered in his breath. I look away.

“No… I am you. Not from another time, not your soul, or will. I am you.” He moves forward to touch me again, and in reply I crawl rearwards- eyes reverted back and never drifting from him. At this, he reclaims his hand- it unhurriedly clenching into an unfastened fist. “You’re right… I lied. I’m only a part of you…”

“What are you talking about?!?! There can only be ONE me! Who are you?! You imposter!!” I don’t even select my own words any more… anger spoke for me- there is no control.

“You should know… you said it yourself once…” His head dejects meekly- expression blank and hidden. “It wasn’t too long ago that we realized it… The alcohol erased almost everything…”

“Stop speaking in damned riddles!” Lunging forward, I throw my fist into his jaw- sending him to hit the ground to wherever we were. His body was sprawled along the floor, blood –appearing black from the low luminosity- splattered all over. He didn’t bother picking himself up, his fingers simply curled inside his palms as he trembled.

“We’re such fools…” He whispers. “You said yourself that the mind thinks in two… Didn’t you notice? Every thought… every mental cycle or practice is ALWAYS in two. Two halves… everything is two and two is one. I’m apart of that half as you are the other. We are two different frames of thought, which- when composed- form a soul… But…”

“But…” I force on.

“But somehow… all the passion that was inside of us- centered around ourselves… By doing this, we have prayed for death… lusted for it… It seemed that by dying- relief would be the reward. That was a dangerous and threatening thought… As a result, God granted our wish- in a sense- to see for ourselves what death is…”

“But how did I…WE…” I correct. “Die in the FIRST place?”

“We died long before we thought we did… when we forgot what it means to have a life and a heart- we instantly lost everything. Thereafter we were pulled into one frame of thought… a thought that killed us. We drunk ourselves, hurt ourselves, caused misery to ourselves as much as we could to fill the hunger inside us…”

“So… which part of me are you…?”

He fell silent again, head turned away from me as he was still laying pathetically- merely a few feet away. “… I am the part of you… that cared… the part of you that looked for your sister… the part of you that found friends…”

“What…?”

“… When we completed all that we desired… I found nothing left to live for… You know how you can argue with yourself…? Before you do something…? I’m that other side… the part of you that questioned and likewise answered… When we fell into the same thought that we had no purpose- that we were useless… that was the end of it… With no frame of mind to keep ourselves from slipping… we initially died… became a puppet of sin in the real world…” Moving closer to me, this time I don’t resist. He opens his palms, small flames arousing from his numerous wounds. “Touch it… let us see what it is like to transit from the first world to the next… lets see what our life has earned us… as one…”

I stare at him incredulously- doubting and wondering as to what I will be getting myself into. The flames sparked, flickering weakly. Finally, I hover my hands over his palms… we then merged.

*****

My clothes are ripped away from me- pulled and tossed into oblivion by… devils. Their long nails tore open my naked form from all areas. Sticky tongues… oozing with acidic saliva wash over the wounds. I gasp, mouth jittering from shock and pain. Another one pounces on top of me- odor as bad as sulfur- causing me to fall on my back. Its eyes bulged from their sockets, red and pupiless. Drooling over my face, he forces my mouth open and shoves an enormous cockroach down it.

“ARGHH…!!!” I scream, but it came out muffled. The insect’s thorny legs move about my tongue and throat, scratching and scrapping my inside flesh until all was sore. The devil looms over me, salivates more, and kisses me intensely. My lips were forced open and the lowly creature was fished out. The cockroach was now hanging by one leg, trapped in between the devil’s fangs. Before I knew it, the insect was crushed and eaten- leftover parts spewing over my cheeks and eyes.

Another devil comes, unsheathing my jagan. Trying to move to defend myself- I realize that I’ve been pinned at all corners. Its fingertips danced over the eye greedily and excited. The jagan pangs open, and the fingers with agonizingly pointy nails- dove forth, ripping the eye out…

“AAAAHHHHHH!!!! ARGH!!!” Teeth clench tight against each other, blood overflowing from my brow and painting my face. The pain was excruciating… I couldn’t bear it… I thought I would pass out, but I didn’t. I got the ‘privilege’ to view my attacker eat the jagan as if it were some sort of rich fruit. The eye pulsated as he ate it, the vein that was once connected to my brain and nervous system twitching… dripping with red.

A tongue… yet another one, goes up my legs. I try to close them… but… I couldn’t… It bites all along the inner thy and… even higher… licking along to get any trace of my blood… Abruptly, the tongue… it makes its way inside of me! Thrashing and darting- left and right… I kick and whip my body in violent lashes to stop the invasion. It continues to bite me… drink up my loss… continue to rape me with no mercy… This devil… was killing my body… More of them swarmed to where I was, and I am turned over to reveal my unsullied back. They jumped on me… one by one. Clawing and digging, removing as much skin as they possibly could. Then, they later swallowed and slurped all that they were able scrape off of me- drinking the blood that spilled onto the hot floor- lapping at it like ravenous dogs. The others which did not eat my flesh, shredded open my finger tips so that they may suckle at them like nipples for milk. I couldn’t do any thing, I just laid there... paralyzed.

I… brought… this… to myself?

Tears well, and as soon as they do- I am lifted and nailed onto an unseen wall. Thick rusty nails are positioned on my palms- a hammer is lifted. POUND. One strike. POUND. Two strikes… As they are struck deeper and deeper- blood dressed the iron nails and I could feel the metal jammed in between my tendons, muscle, and bones.

POUND. A third strike- blood soars into the air. I scream and scream, more and more. Anything to alleviate the stinging, the endless torture. Nothing I could do would subside this... nothing helped at all.

Two devils bring in caged birds – doves-… and a chalice. One of them, covered with horns and warts, takes them out tearing their heads off in one quick swipe. My eyes widened. Soft white feathers, dyed yellow and red, clung onto his ugly hands. The other one gallops like a goat –hooves and all- to present the cup. The birds’ blood was poured into the chalice, until the brim overflowed with thickness. The glass is brought to me, and I refuse to open my mouth. No!!! I won’t!!! My head throbbed as I yelled mentally- they smirked to themselves, nodding eagerly in the events to come. Prying my mouth open, yet again, they pinch my nose and tilt the cup over my opened lips until the salty bitter blood flooded over and I coughed it all out from suffocation. I hang from the nails, as a dummy for their play.

Smashing the glass, a devil as black and dirty as charcoal, drives it into my stomach and turns it by the neck in six full turns. “ARGHHH…AUGH…”

As the chalice was pulled out, the suction caused my blood to be extracted quickly from my abdomen. They gather around me, licking greedily at my torso- gnawing at the shredded flesh at times. Every part of my body jerks sorrowfully; shaking was also no option. The temperature suddenly declines to below zero, my skin blemishing from the burns and the sudden application of cold. The surroundings go hazy and my eyelids transform into slits. They wouldn’t stay that way, however. For a second later, icy water was splashed over me, covering me from head to toe. Exhaling, my breath turns to mist. Glancing at my skin, the color of it is no longer pale, but blue. Lips trembling- visions out of the shadows are presented to me.

“HIDEOUS!!!” A thin woman with firey hair smashes an oval shaped mirror before her. She collapses to the ground, hands moving up and down her shoulders as her frame quakes beyond restraint.

“I’m so ugly…” She whispers. “Who… who can care for… who can love… a person with a face like mine…?”

“…Mukuro…?” No… That’s not you… This is a lie… It’s not YOU!

“A LIE!!!” I yell hoarsely, more blood coursing from my forehead as I had done so.

“FUCK YOU!!!”

That voice…

Frothy spit lands on my face, for a moment- blinding my eyes. Shaking my head, I effort to adjust my focus to see who did this to me. Looking on, the person stands in front of me. Face angered and pitiless.

“You’re so damn pathetic! You’re such a little shit hole Hiei!!! DID YOU KNOW THAT?!?! DID YOU?!?! A GOD DAMNED SHIT HOLE!!!”

He spits again, and slugs at me- my nose bleeding with no relent later. Taking my head by the hair- he grips onto the sweat and blood covered strands tightly, bashing my cranium against the wall in dreadful repetition until my eyes almost rolled in.

“You’re so worthless… I HATE YOU!!! WE ALL HATE YOU!!! LOOK AT YOU!!! WHAT A MISTAKE!!! THE SON OF A HORE!!!”

My heart… It’s pierced.

“Yusuke…”

A tear falls.

“Another day… no one to talk to…”

“Huh…?” No… that can’t be…

“No one here… no one… just an empty room… silence…”

“No…” I choke, still half delusional from the mauling.

“No one could possibly understand… how it feels to be in my position… therefore… I have no friends…”

“No… NO!” More tears fall as I wave my head from side to side- hands wreathing with emotion.

“What am I crying for? Loneliness… my tears… it’s just water, but… they’re hurting me…” Water rivers down from his cheeks- completely soaking his crisp white shirt and reddening his eyes and face.

“KURAMA!!! DON’T CRY! NEVER CRY!!!” My body bangs against the frozen wall, trying to break free. “NOT BECAUSE OF ME!!! NO!!! NEVER!!!”

The tears kept coming… My tears… his tears…

“Ahhh!!! Ahhh!! Help me! No! Don’t touch me!!”

HER tears…

“YUKINA?!?!” My eyes largen to the extent they feel like rolling out of my skull.

She was thrown to the floor… by devils. They shredding apart her kimono until she was as bare as I was. My dear sister was held in place… and she was raped like me…

They suckled at her pert breasts… took her by the hair and kissed her sadistically… Flipping her over, they draw lines down her back with their claws... Bright red streaming in all directions… Her screaming destroyed my ears, crying for help so many times… They bucked inside of her woman hood, stabbing at her virginity until the sparkle in her eyes began to fade and her cries ceased…

“NO!!!” Tears, thousands of them fly out of my eyes as I push myself forward- hands sliced severely, with obvious holes on palms. I had ripped myself from the wall- nails penetrating through my flesh. Blood trailed as I ran in her direction. From my hands, my legs, my head, my back, and torso. No matter how far I pressed my limits of speed- especially in my condition- I couldn’t reach her. It seemed as though she was moving further and further away from me… from my reach. My breath goes choppy, and feeling faint- I lose footing and slam on the ground.

Stampedes of devils make a dash to where I was. When they reached me, they shoved handfuls of spherical objects down my throat, making me swallow them. Each piece plunged to the bottom of my stomach as hard as bullets from a machine gun. When one handful was done, they released their hands from my lips- giving me a short chance to attain air. Then another hand covers my mouth, and I gulp down another handful.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that those objects… were my tears…