“Green Grapes and Lemonade: an episode from the Black Files”

7/14/02

By: Hikari

Site: http://www.geocities.com/hikari_nanase/

Notes: Frozen green grapes and lemonade are the two things that turn me on like a light bulb. However, this is not a lemon, thank you. Nor is it a grand epic of fire demon torture and Youko tears. It is a parody. Yes, a parody. As I have as much a sense of humor as Hiei, however, watch out for my malice and monotone. I may just put you to sleep.

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There are only three things in the world that could make Hiei out of character. 1.) Fanfiction writers such as myself, 2.) alcohol, 3.) sugar- it doesn’t matter from where. The story I’m about to tell you is a confidential story- hidden away in the deepest, darkest shelves of the Reikai archives (not to mention the studios that aired and are airing this series). Now, while I would normally bribe people to pay me for this story, a good dose of green grapes and lemonade has elicited the more generous part of my nature (95% arrogance included, of course).

If you recall the ends of the Sensui and Makai arc, I’m sure you’ll remember Kuwabara giving Hiei- for lack of better terminology- a piggy back ride when he passed out. Has anyone ever wondered Hiei’s reaction when he woke up? That was an interesting feat, naturally. However, what about the incident with the tear gem in the Makai? Kurama jokingly grabs the hirosukei tossed at him, and cries passionately: ‘Oh, Hiei! I will treasure both this and you forever!’ Now, I’m DEFINITLY sure all YYH fans took note of this momentous episode. The question is why? And how are these two occurrences in any way connected?

The truth is, when Hiei woke-up, he was not only very embarrassed of his unlikely ‘position’, but also quite violated. He blurted out, rather unceremoniously, that the only person who could carry him like THAT was Kurama. Again, he found himself in a very unlikely situation, blushed, tried to make a run for it, but instead tripped into a bowl of…

Yes, frozen green grapes soaking in lemonade.

Hiei, surprisingly enough, has secret feminine hormones when it comes to sour aphrodisiacs. After all, he IS part Koorime, and the fire demon’s astonishingly elegant waistline is evidence of this. But that’s beside the point.

Having been soused in such orgasmic food (and I guarantee you, it is unbelievably orgasmic), Hiei inadvertently swallowed the odd concoction and went drunk.

‘Drunk?’ You ask? How can you get drunk with lemonade? As it turns out, the snack, set precariously on Kurama’s bedroom floor, was slightly spiked by Shizuru, who felt a small party was entitled to our group of favorite bishounen. They walked into the room, Hiei woke up on Kuwabara’s back, and one thing led to another.

Hiei stood from that bowl, undoubtedly soaked and sticky. He ‘hicced’ a few times, in spite of his valiant efforts to keep his intoxication down, and stumbled about the room. Almost out of instinct, he fell into Kurama’s arms- mumbling incoherently about stupid foxes, melting candles, beds, and bathtubs.

I don’t think it’s necessary to elaborate on that. Just use your vivid, and over-yaoied imaginations. I’m sure you’ll enjoy the concept.

So, you now must be wondering what this has to do with Hiei’s precious hirosukei? In addition, you must be wondering how someone like Hiei- a demon with the resistance of paved asphalt- managed to get so smashed after one small dip into the potent bowl of nature’s candy.

Allow me to demonstrate some simple chemistry (which is ironic considering I dropped the subject last year). The alcohol mixed with lemonade called for the osmosis of chemicals from inside the green grapes. We all know what white wine is made of, don’t we? Now, imagine this: high sugar concentration levels from the lemonade and grapes with the addition of alcohol and carbons not only from the liquor, but also from the luscious oval-shaped fruits. What we’ve got here is an uva colada strong enough to put Kuwabara and Yusuke out for days. Well, maybe months for Kuwabara.

But it’s impossible to ferment natural alcohol from a fresh bulk of fruit, yes? Wrong. Hiei is a fire demon. The high temperature from his face, sorry to say, was a perfect component to make the press and flash process of winemaking quick and complete. Press? Well, his face DID meet with that bowl rather violently- extracting the wonderful juices from earth’s viagra.

Let us go back to our original equation: high sugar concentration levels from the lemonade and grapes with the addition of alcohol and carbons not only from the liquor, but also from the luscious oval-shaped fruits. By breaking down this formula into it’s most basic form we find this:

1 bowl of sugar + 1 bowl of alcohol + 1 bowl of sexually arousing chemicals= a very horny, out of character, seductive, never-before-seen (to people other than Kurama, at least) Hiei.

Add in the fanfic writer who is disclosing this top secret information (that is me), and you have the fire demon of every fanfic reader, slasher, shounen ai-er, parody-er, Hiei otaku-er, and Youko’s dreams. And boy! Did Kurama’s dreams come true that night!

Amidst the drunken romance between most fans’ favorite couple, Hiei utters something interesting before falling asleep. “The day I show just- hic- how much I really – hic- love you and want to –hic- lay you down, spread you and.- hic- steal you forever, is the day I -hic- I give away my most –hic- prized possession… Should I –hic, hic- ever find it.”

When we consider Hiei’s possessions- being literally NONE- we begin to wonder what on earth this something could be. Our answers are questioned (oops, sorry, it’s the grapes)… I mean our questions are answered several episodes later- more specifically, episode 111- in a shady forest, away from any spies.

A drunk Hiei, is still Hiei. Hiei has the mind and memory of a steel trap. He did not forget his overly romantic, liquor induced persona, and quietly kept the recollection in the far backs of his mind. Kurama, being the, quote and unquote, ‘host’ of Hiei’s predicament never forgot the occasion either. (And who would! Considering what a great love maker Hiei is when he doesn’t have a lucid brain!)

Unfortunately for Hiei, having tried to forget his historic mortification (I forgot to mention he started stripping the poor- er… lucky redhead in front of everyone) and succeeded, slipped in his actions by throwing his hirosukei at an unsuspecting fox demon. Kurama caught it, remembered Hiei’s words that wonderful night that really should be relived, and joked: ‘Oh, Hiei! I will treasure both this and you forever!’

Our pitiable Hiei sweat drops, and blushes. The audience doesn’t know Hiei blushed, however, because the damn recording company decided to capture this incident from behind Hiei’s back. Those idiots.

So now you know the full story behind Kurama and the hirosukei (Makai arc, ep. 111), and Hiei’s reaction after waking up perched rather childishly on Kazu’s back (final ep. of Sensui arc).

I have many more Black Stories to tell, but those are for another day. This is Hikari Nanase (surname last), writer, analysist, and archiver of the Reikai Confidential Files. Until next time, and remember, green grapes and lemonade. It never fails.