Broken: Part Thirteen “Final Recollection… So Many Regrets…”

6/29/00

By: Hikari

Notes: none.

*****

I walk down the aisle, my boots rubbing against the soft fibers of the red carpeting- at times, leaving streaks along the plane. I paid little or no attention to my surroundings for they meant of no great concern to me. Treading down to the front-most pew, I stuff my hands into my pockets and shrug as I find him here again. He was sitting properly as usual, a thick aged book in hands- fingers turning the pages with caution for the paper was wilted and bent on corner. The binding was virtually non-existent as the pages were attached to the cover only by several loose threads. What an old and trashy book…

“Reading that thing again?” I speak up, my voice literally yanking Kurama out of his trance- causing his head to shoot up and nearly lose his fingering.

“Uh… yes” He answered nonchalantly, fixing the paperback on his lap. “What are you doing here?”

“I dropped by your place, but you weren’t in your room…”

“Oh… how did you find me then?”

Rolling my eyes, I point all-knowingly with my index finger right to my forehead. “I didn’t want to use it for something as trivial as this… but…”

Out of instinct, I stopped myself. I know this feeling. It was a feeling where everything inside me felt dry and sour. It was happening again. I needed to confide… yet… I wouldn’t – no- couldn’t open myself up like that. Yes, I felt ashamed- I wasn’t the type to go looking around for someone just to talk self-interestedly. For an instant I was mentally arguing with my consciousness as to whether or not I should consult with my friend. It wasn’t as though I hadn’t spoken to him before- no, of course not. The topic I had in mind, however, was a different story.

“But…?” He continued.

“Uh…” I turn my head away. “ Never mind… it’s not that important…”

“Are you sure?” Kurama asked, head cocked to the side revealing concern. “You went all this way so…”

“It’s nothing… Forget about it…”

My back was turned to him now, and I can feel his stare drift from the top to the bottom of my frame. He was analyzing me again… I hate it when he does that… Just by looking at me from behind- he can decode my emotions before I can utter a word. With him… I have no need in communication… I begin to walk away.

“Wait a second Hiei…”

I stop. From the rear, I am aware of his shuffling out of the bench and following

my tracks. Soon, his hand rests on my shoulder- I wait for him to say something.

“I’m done with my reading… We can stay here to talk if you want… No one will hear us…”

Part of me, with no coherent reason, snaps. “What is it with you and this place anyway?”

“Huh?” Kurama’s palm leaves my shoulder as I turn to face him.

“You’ve been coming here a lot these days… what’s so special about this building?”

His red eyebrows twitched with curiousness. “What do you mean Hiei?”

The blood in my right hand runs cold, and I find that it is secretly balling into a fist beneath my garments. Don’t play innocent with me, you know perfectly well what I’m talking about. “I mean what I said.”

“This building…?” My friend looks up and scans all of the ceiling. “Nothing… nothing really… It’s just a place I like to go to… Besides, my mother got married here- I guess have some sentiment for it…”

“You and your sentiment…” I hiss under my breath.

“Hiei…” Bottle green eyes flicker. “What’s your problem?”

“I already told you to forget it…” My feet move to get out of here… it’s too clean for the likes of me anyhow. My breath will probably slaughter the roses…

I stride past the statues, past the angels, and leave the damned building. However,

another statue at the exit attracts my attention. Discontinuing for only a second- I examine it. It was a woman. Dressed in airy and overflowing clothing- all in blue and white, face innocent and motherly, manifestation… heartbreaking. Her deep oceany eyes were aimed only at me. She was looking down, from the small marble column she was rested on. This woman… she looked to be near tears… she was ready to cry… What was she doing? Did she pity me? No! No one should have pity on me! I tear my gaze away. Stare at my footsteps- don’t look at anything else, I tell myself. My march hastens and I push the heavy door to finally escape. Finishing the steps, no more outside interruptions are made to hold me back. The dull sound of pacing races towards me, and I refuse to turn around.

Why am I acting this way? I have no motive to be angry with him… do I? What could it be then? Was I so lonely that I couldn’t stand to have my only faithful friend have his own interests? How could I be so jealous? Do I really feel so… unloved?… Uncared for?

“Hiei! Hiei!” Kurama’s call was broken up by his gasping of air. “Matte!”

No. I won’t wait. You have other things on your mind- I’m just bothering you. As I persist in my avoidance, my friend’s trot quickens to the point he managed to catch up with me- and spin me around to prevent me from going further.

“Look…” He says, hands holding me in place- his eyes fixated on my scowl. “I don’t know what is going on with you any more… and you know what? I’m getting really tired of trying to figure it out! Just talk to me! It’s better than drinking yourself under the table!”

My head shifts from the sidewalk to catch a glimpse as to where we were. We had stopped at a street bridge, which tracked over a moderate sized river. It was the afternoon, so the road we were at was absolutely vacant- the two of us were the only standing souls. Eyes then fly to Kurama’s jacket- over the breast to the left. It bulged visibly… the book was there…

Crossly, I gruffly shake away his touch- my fingertips probing into his coat and fishing out the tattered scraps. Before my friend could even come close to stop me- I take out my canister and poured the liquor on it. Then, without any consideration as to Kurama’s feelings- my hand engulfs the book in a burst of flames, later throwing it out as far as I could into the water. That being done- I cross my arms, lean against the railing, and close my eyes. “You’re wasting your time…”

Those words came out to be a lot colder than I would have anticipated.

Kurama grips the rail, palms rubbing against the metal in order to keep the urge of strangling me under control. He sighs, and when my irises move to see his demeanor- he appears not exactly angry, but more along the lines of disappointed. “Time is what we have…” He whispers. The redhead loosens from the fence. “Well… you did it Hiei… my attention can only be centered around you now… What did you want to talk to me about?”

Heat rises to my face, I have to move several feet away from him so that I would be able to speak. Be that as it may, I also needed to block my face from his. My lips stirred, but I had a difficult time articulating the words. “Do you…”

“Do I what?” He seemed to be on his last strings of tolerance, no surprise.

“I mean… do I…?”

“Well,” Kurama pushed. “You went through all that trouble to get me to listen to you… say it.”

My arms left their stiff position, and went to embrace myself without being seen. I tried to speak again, but all the words were drained. Guilt from what did was hanging over my head, and it punished me by knotting my tongue. I didn’t want to ask anymore… I just wanted to get out of this situation. If only I could run away… crumple up and disappear… But no matter how much I wished for it to happen… I remained immobile and whole. “I… do you want… I…”

I sensed Kurama’s patience, as thick as it was, ultimately run thin and to the raw bone. “Kurama… do… you… want me to stop… coming to you…?”

“What…?” My friend’s condition lightened… he saw me shuddering.

“Would… it be better… if I left you alone…? If I left… everyone alone…?… If I never came… NEVER came back again…? Would… it be easier… Would it be easier if… no one knew me in the first place?”

“Hiei…”

“I never meant much to anyone… I was just there… Would it be better if I disappeared all together…? What’s the point of being here…? Kurama… I don’t… I don’t have… I don’t have anything…” Forcing my eyelids to pinch hard against each other- the tears that had to come out were suppressed. “Do you know… how it feels…? To wake up… everyday to nothing?

After a long pause, I apprehend the fact that he couldn’t reply. If he couldn’t reply… if he couldn’t answer me… Did he want me to leave? As extreme as my pride was, deep down… I could not deny that I was hoping he wouldn’t turn me down. Kurama was the last of the last. If he rejects me… that’s the end of everything… Even now, though, my friend gave no response…

“I’m not sure what to tell you… Hiei…” The redhead starts at last. “You’re my friend and I will do anything I can to help you, but… It appears that regardless of what kind of resolution I give you- you are left unsatisfied… To be truthful… well… frank… let me ask you this: would you appreciate the company of someone who sees himself as nothing… as worthless?”

A diamond slides from my eye and courses down my cheek. The answer I was seeking for was within the question itself. The answer stung…