Desire

Recently, I�ve been thinking about what it is that I desire most in the world. Of course, in this day and age (or any period in America for that matter), everyone�s dream is to become a success by his or her own means. Now, in my own mind, I feel that becoming a writer will be the greatest goal and highest wish of my life. However, I somehow begin to question myself as to why. Why do I love so much to write? What�s more, will I even make it?

The truth is- as I�ve had this conversation many times before among my friends- becoming a success or reaching the pinnacle of your dreams is almost impossible. Notice that I use the word �almost�, but in more ways than one, disappointment lies at wait. We have to face it, the world is a very competitive place and as society appears to become more and more engrossed with material possession and technology- I fear of what may become to the humanities and arts as time moves on.

Backtracking to the subject of competition, allow me to elaborate. Where I live, education is everything. Your transcript is everything. If you fail, you fail. Everyone around the globe shares this kind of stress, and the frightening part is whether or not you will reach the goal you�ve set for yourself so long ago. As hard as one may work, there will always, ALWAYS be someone better you. That�s not to say you should give up- no, definitely not, especially if you have come you close to realizing your dreams. The point is that it�s all just tiring. The �ever-faithful� consciousness impedes your current thoughts and questions the validity of your decisions. Your parents breathe down your neck about grades and how horrible it is to put your own name to shame. Then there are your own values, your religion�s values (if any), and the standard humane principles as to how life should be. Now the question, what SHOULD life be?

Should it be what I want it to be? This question then leads back to the inquiry of what we want to do with the life bestowed on us. Do I honestly- sincerely- want to be a writer? Here is a confession that many, MANY of my friends do not believe. Honors English is my worst subject. I love to write, I adore it. However, my grade does not show it. I�m not positive as to whether it is the class that�s boring me or if my grammar is really so horrible. Ironically, my best grades are in science, math, history, and Spanish- subjects I hardly have any interest in. Now, my consciousness comes into play. If you want to be a writer, your grades should back-up the subject in which this occupation falls under. As you may understand, this knowledge shatters my dreams. Perhaps the reason why I am faltering is because my class is so focused on essays and thesis rather than creative writing. Every time I turn in an essay, I get marked down severely because of foolish grammar err. My teacher automatically deducts ten points for one mistake, and even more for an unclear thesis- it scares me. What�s more, my English class is based on minor point tests and the essays alone. It doesn�t matter if you fully comprehend or are able to analyze what the class is looking for- it�s the grammar. In other words, my English class (as my teacher has put it) is truly BS-ing your paper and doing it well. Sad to say, it�s true.

Diplomatic, creative, editorial, etc. etc, papers need lies. Writers are liars. This doesn�t mean that there is no genuine meaning to what an author writes, but it is true that the writer composes work straight from the mind. In creative writing, fanfiction- if you will- the lie is the entire story. The author makes everything up and serves it to the reader. The writer must remember EVERYTHING he or she has written in order for the work to be �flawless� and �flowing�. Editorial papers. These papers require the writer to pick a side. Once a side is chosen, you cannot contradict yourself. While your opinion to the matter may be honest, there SHOULD be particular issues on the subject you�re commenting on that contradicts the side you have chosen. Thus, you must agree with the other issues that come with the position selected, even if you do not believe in them, and support your agreement with reasoning rather than personal choice. (Does this make sense? I wrote an incredibly awkward sentence, I apologize.)

The writer, then, must be a consistent liar. A writer is dedicated. A writer will not, in any way, change his or her plot once the story has already made it past the middle pages. Writing as a hobby is one thing, but writing for life is another. It can take years just to get your first book published, and even then, you won�t know if it will be a full-blown success or a disastrous flop. The profit selling books alone is not enough to put bread and butter on your table; here is where I must be careful.

Now, thinking over my situation and realizing that I�m currently a sophomore- I�ve come to a consensus. The stories I�ve posted on the Internet have gotten me a few letters. While they may not be many, they are still letters encouraging me to get the next chapter on or asking if I have a new project set-up. I love the feeling I get from these few letters. It makes me happy. I can share my stories; I can share my world- it�s not just between my computer and me. Although my English grade is not remarkable, I can still improve it. If the readers I get actually enjoy my work, why should I stop at the cost of a score? In addition, I no longer feel selfish in regards to receiving mail. It used to be that I thought it was bad to write for the feedback, but then I found that the stories I wrote entertained and even moved people. I was happy that THEY were happy, and I LOVE making people happy. So here is the proposal: I cannot make a living out of writing stories for the rest of my life, but that doesn�t mean writing should be eliminated FROM my life. I can take a career (connected with creativity, of course) that will be enough to support me, and write as a hobby on the side. If I get a book published, then I can make a little sum for myself while working in a different area.

Yes, dreams are hard to reach, but sometimes getting something very close to it is just as fulfilling. If you have a dream that is so close, get it if you can. If you can�t, stick to what you�re good at and what you enjoy. Improvise if you must, but enjoy life nonetheless. Thus, the stress is gone.