“How It Is…”

“Damn Sheep”

7/31/01

By: Hikari

Site: http://www.geocities.com/hikari_nanase/

Notes: This is in dedication to everyone’s personal hurting inside. God bless, and believe in standing even when pain prevails; for if you kneel down to the world in agony- you already have lost.

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It’s incomprehensible to have that peculiar feeling of detachment rivet throughout your body… and yet it is that type of sensation that I have grown quite accustomed to. Well, it’s come to this familiar point from day to day where I question the very value of my being. Now now… Nothing to fear of for I have finally grown tired of making love with the idea of suicide. I may be a fool, but even fools have some sense of sentimental honor.

Rather, I’ve decided upon one goal to vanquish all other trivial desires. That goal is this: complete defiance. See? Did I not tell you I was a fool? Hn, but an exceptionally wise fool- no doubt. Defiance to what you ask? Too many questions, not enough accomplishments…

That’s where the problem lies. The questioning. Questions only arise due to doubt and fear, and this doubt and fear is what sculpts our persona. Then what shall you do with these unpromising emotions, I wonder? Simple. Defy them.

Ah, but there is a world out there where I feel so alone and misunderstood. Ironic, really. You feel so alone, and yet there are over a million people feeling the exact same way- that is, if not in a worse condition.

The mind plays tricks, and the most holy of desires is to be a part of someone else. Being known makes valid that we have a purpose- a meaning in life. With no one to connect to, we grow uneasy. This uneasiness is triggered by the very concept of disappearing from the world… in a non-literal sense of course. “Disappearing”, as I will define it, is finding no place in anyone’s mind or heart. If no one holds onto you- you will be afraid that you may slip and plummet into the everlasting darkness of solitude…

Or will you?

You have a choice if you are given such a situation. You may tumble to your death while you are still, absurdly enough, alive, or you may live as the infamous black sheep and stand out among the flocks of brainless animals. I should think the second would be the more appealing option. Who cares if the slashing tongues of man scourge you? What have you to care in what they think? They are merely copies of one another, while you are the lone black sheep- beautiful and independent.

Failure is yet another element that comes into this vicious cycle of self-hatred; the worse kind of pain. When one has already found himself to be secluded from every level of society- including one’s own family, then there is no more to expect than the regression to despair. When you lose, you lose. When you err, you err. It is irreversible, but by all means it is not invaluable. Mistakes- failure, teaches us that there is always the need to improve and that we must acknowledge the fact that no one person is perfect. If there is a chance to redeem yourself, to fix the muddle you have created- take that chance. Forget about the fact that you will have to bruise your pride. Do it, lest you shall live in regret for an opportunity of redemption you refused to take. If you cannot live with an injured pride, then you cannot live. Period. I speak, of course, not out of ostentatious arrogance, but out of experience. Believe it or not, when you fail, the people around you don’t give a damn- unless, unsurprisingly this failure has something to do with them.

Thus we are led into next element: selfishness. Of course, it’s only logical to be selfish. You must live for yourself because, truth be told, you can only depend on you and you alone. Friendship, family, bonds, so on, and so forth don’t last forever. Things break apart, die, and fade to fond or long forgotten memories. Face it. You are already in the process of dying- so is everyone else around you. You never know when that process has reached its final shape, and therefore, there is no sense in you wasting time regretting what ‘could have been.’ Instead of doing this, once again, you must defy and hold yourself completely responsible for your own actions and mishaps. Forget about throwing blame on this matter or that because it’s bullshit.

Yes, we fill ourselves up with lies in order to deny the state of life we currently are in. Everyone does this- there is not a soul who neglects the ability to shield the truth with miserable wool or whatever fabrication man may come up with. This is exactly what the world desires of you- to conform to everyone else as the final means to stay above and beyond everyone. To be alike in order to be accepted, awarded, and loved.

Pathetic.

Has it ever occurred to anyone that that love given upon you is worth of no more value than the rim of dead copper? This is why it is better to steer away from the herd and be lost. In this way, you have broken the rules of following the currents, the stream- whatever. True, you will be ostracized; you will be hated, misunderstood, envied, abused, torn, and spat upon. But was that not the way of God? To obtain genuine will- good will- pain must be accepted and coped with. There is no fault in crying- in fact I must confess that it is very healthy to do so. As long as one fights against stupid affairs and keeps true to his heart, then the battle rages on. Defy petty orthodoxy. Defy the obvious outcomes. Defy the cruel words of others. When they expect you to kneel- stand. When they ask for praise- give them reality. By breaking these rules, you have become stronger- you are one step closer to finishing the life-long task: self-actualization.

To be you- unique, honest, and pure, you must live for the pain the world is ready to bombard you with. You have no other choice… unless you take upon the decision to fall to the dirty ground- soiled with the blood of many sorrowful souls- and give up. Not all people find themselves, and so, as they lay in their beds to be kissed by the bittersweet lips of death- they soon come to the realization that their life had been in vain. Instead of becoming the black sheep, he has remained a part of a nonsensical community- essentially losing whatever left there of in his spirit.

That is not to say that ‘fraternizing’, as I would like to call it, is a useless act. It must be kept in mind that a person- no matter what kind of hopeless bastard he is- needs to communicate. This, coming from me- of all people- must strike you as a shock. Remember, I am speaking in the terms of my own experience, which, I might add, is the whole of my life. You need to talk. Find a connection. Yet you must, by all means, connect with the correct type of people. Do not join or come to know anyone you feel is composed of contemporary material. Look for someone- search for someone who knows how to confide. It is only when you find such a person, that you may confide in him or her yourself without the fear of being exploited of your secret weaknesses, dreams, past, and so forth. If you encounter anyone who’s main priority is the cliché view of success- forget about him. You are better off with enemies.

Some say my terse and blunt words are harsh, as well as pessimistic. If what I say is truly so disenchanting, then does that mean that you shall cower back to your herd- entirely indistinguishable, if not forgotten? Hn. It’s up to you.

In my own words,

Hiei