adrians_story

On November 29th, 2003, we found out that we would be having another baby. At first we're a little shocked.....we weren't even trying. But I always wanted three children, always have, always will. We hold each other and we are happy. We decide to wait to make sure everything is okay before we tell everyone. Our joy slips through to a few friends, but we will wait to tell our parents at Christmas.
We had our first OB appointment on December 22nd and everything looks great. The sonogram is so much clearer than it was two years ago when I had Tristan. We can see the heartbeat and can even see little arm buds.
It's amazing that 8 weeks ago, there was nothing there, and now there is a life.
Our appointment went great. We don't have to come back till the end of January. I can't wait to tell my parents for Christmas. We decided to wrap the perfect sonogram picture and give it to my parents, wrapped inside a poem about how special it is to be a grandparent. When they open it, they don't know who's pregnant, my brother & his wife or us. Their eyes well up with tears as they read the poem. And more tears as they see the sonogram picture. In all my years I have never seen my dad with tears. Not during "Butterfly Kisses" at our wedding, not when we told them about expecting our first two sons, not at their arrival. I've seen him very proud, but never to tears. But something is very different this time.
As a Labor & Delivery Nurse, I have worked far too many nights with women who have to go through the pain and anguish of laboring to delivery a dead baby, a baby they will never know. Every time, I had to put myself in their place, to imagine what they are going through, to be able to imagine and focus on what their needs would be. So many times I thought "I wish I knew..."
It was January 16th, 2004, a very busy night at work. One of those night where you hardly get a potty break. On my one potty break that night, I noticed a little spotting. I was startled at first but reassured myself that first trimester bleeding is very common. It doesn't mean something is necessarily wrong. It doesn't mean I'm going to lose my baby. It happens all the time. I'll just make it through this last hour of my shift and it'll be just fine. But I�ll really reassure myself and do a quick sonogram. So then it happened. I say my baby on the screen. I frantically searched for the heartbeat. I knew in my heart, but tried to convince myself that my baby was okay. This couldn�t be happening to me. This is not happening. I convinced myself all the way down the hall until I heard the fetal monitor on someone else. I heard someone else�s baby�s heartbeat and realized that I had never heard my own baby�s heartbeat. That�s when I started crying. One of the other nurse�s was asking me what was wrong. I hadn�t even told her I was pregnant. How would she understand? But I am and glad she was there. She got one of our residents to do a sonogram and measurements. The baby was the size of 8 weeks, 6 days. But I was almost 11 weeks. And there was no heartbeat.
It�s amazing how 3 weeks ago, there was a life, and now there was nothing, an empty shell, the shell that had held the life of my baby.
I drove my loneliest drive home that night and waited until morning to tell Jamie. He was in disbelief. I called my Mom and the doctor. I would see his partner that day to have everything officially done. So we went in, we had a sonogram by the same sonographer who did our first sonogram weeks earlier. I hated for her to have to tell me. I had been in her place at work once before, and knew how she must have felt. But I already knew. And I told her I already knew. We saw the doctor on-call. Mine was out of town. She asked what we wanted to do. It was still my baby and I didn�t want a D&C. I wanted to deliver this one as I had the other two. I wanted to talk to my doctor. So we would see my doctor the next week. So we waited�..the bleeding got worse. But nothing else happened. We decided not to tell Brady, who was 4 at the time. He was so excited. How do you tell a 4 year old that babies die? I didn�t want to break his heart and ruin his image of a perfect world.
We went to the office the next week to see my doctor, the man we trusted, the man who delivered our first two sons, who had been there for all the things I had been through in the past 4 years. He was always there, always knew what to say. But our hearts sank as we pulled into the parking ramp and saw him driving away. The nurse asked if I would see the nurse practitioner. I said yes, but wondered how she would answer all my questions as to how long my doctor would wait and what we would do next. We waited along with all the other pregnant moms and newborns. Brady told three women that there was a baby in Mommy�s belly. I just sat there and cried. I think they knew. The nurse was ready so we went in, they took my weight. I had lost 6 pounds in the last week. The nurse tells me I need to take better care of myself. I�m thinking �She doesn�t know, but she has to. I was here last week, she has my chart, it must be on my chart!" Then the nurse practitioner comes in and asks �Are you hoping for a girl this time?��.Silence��I�m thinking �Any baby would be fine� and so I tell her. I can only imagine how she felt. I felt worse for her than I did for myself at that moment. As a nurse, I know she will probably never forget me. We decide to have my doctor call us later when he returns to the office.
When the phone rang, I was so grateful to hear him on the other end. We talked for about 10 minutes. He apologized over and over about what happened at the office and for not having been there. I told him that I was thankful to be talking to him now and that nothing else had mattered. He gave us our options. We told him what we wanted. He said to take as much time as we needed. He said to call him any time that weekend if I needed anything. I asked if I should use his on-call phone. He said �No, just call me at home. I�m not on-call this weekend.� I can�t say enough about this man who has become very dear to us both.
We wait through the weekend and the bleeding gets very heavy. Jamie doesn�t want to leave my side. I�m thinking it will happen soon. I can�t keep waiting and wondering where I will be when it happens. I tried to go back to work, but the first mom I put on the monitor, all I can think is �It�s not fair!� I bathe in my self-pity. I told Jamie that I need someone to make the decisions for me, I just can�t do it. I absolutely do not want a D&C. I won�t have closure. I need to see my baby. So we decide to make Sunday our deadline. Monday morning arrives so I call the office. They call back and we schedule a D&C for Wednesday. I don�t want to do this. I want something to happen. And an hour later it does. The intense cramps stop me. This feels like labor. We had a container ready. We took it everywhere with us. Brady is asleep. Tristan is with me. Jamie is outside scooping snow. I see the time on Brady�s clock�.it�s 4:54 PM. I start down the hall. Jamie�s coming in the door. I tell him that it just happened. He rushes over to me. And we go down the hall together and we look for the first time together. We see how amazingly complete our baby has become over the past few weeks. We see two little eyes, five little fingers on a left hand, the cord, and the placenta. I needed to see our baby. I needed it to be able to heal.
We told Brady that the baby was sick and didn�t grow right. We told him that the baby went to Heaven. He said �That�s okay Mommy, someday we�ll have a baby that will stay with us forever & ever. � I tell him he�s right. He decides the baby should be named Adrian. I�m not sure that we told him the right way, but we have allowed him to grieve with us. He talks about Adrian often.
Three months later and the healing is taking place. I think that building a remembrance for Adrian and reading about others� experiences has helped me more than anything. Jamie is much further than I can imagine being. He told me that a day will pass and he�ll feel guilty for not thinking about Adrian that day. I am mad at him for saying that. How could a whole day go by without thinking about our baby? But deep down I know that he is healing. And he will heal faster than I will. But I need to allow myself to heal. I think that losing Adrian has made me a better mother in the long run. I still have my days. I am a better nurse for it, I know. And now I know what it�s like, I know how it feels to lose a baby. But I wish I didn�t know��