It was a blinding, numbing shock, like the kind you’d get when struck with your sword when you turned it wrong. It was a spiraling, falling sensation, like a too-high fever. It was walking and walking and walking with nowhere to go.
I wanted to bring you, but you were lost. I tried, really I did, but no one answered. I cried and cried and cried.
You were gone.
Loss.
Despair.
I knew them well.
I still know them well.
Pain.
Mind-numbing pain.
I can’t feel anymore. Nothing. Not anyone, anything. I want to reach out, to feel something, anything. Even pain. Anything to let me know I’m alive, I’m here, breathing.
It’s a necessity, to know feeling. I want to feel you again.
Things fell too fast, I needed more time, you needed more time.
This world is cruel.
I’m tied up in a struggle. Our struggle, it’s mine now.
Anguish.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on. I want someone here, to hold my hand, like when I was small. I miss those times. Him, you, I want it back.
I’m lost. If I reach out my hand now, will you grab it? Will you find me? Take me home like that stray dog we found? Keep me safe until someone can come for me?
Blank. An empty slate.
Memories. What are they worth, anyway? At the end. One day we’ll all end up back in the planet, so why bother with feeling, happiness, memory. The end is the same.
I don’t know what I want anymore. Feeling, death, him, you. Somewhere along the line you all blurred together, a chalk drawing in the rain.
It rained that day, didn’t it? When my world, you, shattered into a million mirrored fragments. I’ve tried to put them back together, thinking that maybe if I did, I could find you, find that everything’s okay. I only ended up cutting myself on the edges. Shredded to pieces, and torn some more.
I think I know now.
If I follow him, I’ll get it all. Maybe when I kill him I’ll hurt, feel. Maybe I’ll take the pain, but maybe I’ll fail. I’ll fall and fall and fall, and there won’t be anyone to catch me. Then I’ll be able to meet you, him, both of you.
Maybe I could be happy again.
Happy like when we were together. A sun-soaked picnic. A vacation to the beach. A cold winter day spent watching the snow fall while curled up by the fire. Was that really ‘happy?’ Have I ever been ‘happy?’
I want to know. I want you. I want him. I want everything.
I want an end.
I want to feel that dizzying pain until the end, so I know when I can open my eyes and finally see you.
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A/N: Inspired by Thorne Scratch’s Maze of Words, but not as nicely done. (Possibly a little too similar, for the subject of it, anyway. I don’t think that my writing can really compare yet.)
