TThe genesis of tapeworming is somewhat dubious. It is believed that tapeworming culture first emerged in a retaliatory nature – as way for one individual to torment a loved one. However, as tapeworming evolved and spread rapidly, tapewormers themselves became more creative (and most likely, more drunk). The activity became more diverse and consequently more popular. As shown in Figure 2, tapeworming activity steadily increased until an unprecedented drop in 1999. Great speculation has been given as to why this drop occurred. Most realistically it can be attributed to the millennium scares at the end of that year. As stated by Joe Johnston**, “When people are worryin’ about the end of the world there’s just no time for stickin’ yur hand up someone’s butt.” Though Mr. Johnston’s theory is widely accepted by CSST researchers, the opposite could also be said: Why not stick your hand up someone’s butt, I mean the world is going to end after all. The true nature of the great drop of 1999 may never be fully known or understood.

Now some may be asking themselves, ‘Who exactly does this sort of thing.’ The answer to this question is simple – pretty much everyone. Great variations were found to exist among tapewormers. However, tapewormers have all been found to be loving individuals. They are fantastically intelligent and creative, not to mention very attractive individuals. No distinction was discovered between the frequency of male tapewormers and female tapewormers. The creativity of tapewormers can be seen in the act of tapeworming itself. Each tapewormer’s individual flair is apparent, which is evident in the many tapeworm variations found, e.g. Corn Cob, Scouts Honor, Mr. Wiggles, Colon Hammer, and the dreaded and undoubtedly most difficult and rare, Double-Dutch. Figure 3a illustrates the spread of tapeworming from a centralized, yet-undetermined location in the Midwest. It is also interesting to note in this figure that as the first tapewormers themselves moved from the area, the culture undeniably spread with them.

Are there any limits to tapeworming? CSST found the answer to this question to be both yes and no. Research projects that tapeworming will not only continue to steadily increase in the upcoming years, but that it will not be limited to the U.S. (for U.S. projects see Figure 3b). Sources in the U.K. say, “its just a matter of months before people on the street are no longer gobsmacked when delivered a tapeworm, but will pass it on with warmth in their hearts…and bums.” Yet unconfirmed reports also show tapeworming to be very big in Japan, despite the flatter asses and smaller cracks. However, limits were found. Naked tapeworming is said not to ever occur. Other restrictions include, the “Otto should and will never be tapewormed” rule as well as the “Code of the Butt,” which is never to be violated (despite one incident in a tent in rural South Dakota in 1995).

Further funding is needed to research this phenomenon further. Topics of interest this study was not able to address but warrant further investigation include the following:

-Tapeworming among the elderly (which is an area of top concern, considering the everincreasing age of the tapeworming elite, as well as the migration ofcertain tapewormers out of the Midwest and to Florida);
-Tapeworming representation in mass media; and
-Tapeworming related injuries.

** names have been changed to protect study subjects anonymity.

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