| ...WHAT IF CONCEPTUAL ART WAS CONSIDERED 'MAINSTREAM'? by a. fish |
| Friends, upon entering your suburban home, would often comment,"Say...is that bleeding man, over the sofa, new?" All urinals would be signed 'R. Mutt' Dresses would stop being made of tasteless poly-blends and begin being made of flavorful beef You spot Cindy Sherman in the foreground of some of your family photos Bob Ross would have had a t.v. show on PBS teaching you how to video tape your own death While waiting to throw a bar-b-que, you would chose to display the side of beef in a plexiglass vat of formaldehyde After the bar-b-que, you would give the maid a day off and commission Damien Hirst to come in and arrange the trash into an installation Instead of sitting for an oil portrait, on their 25th anniversary, your parents would hire famed porn star, Ron Jeremy, to sodomize your mom while your dad videotapes it. (if your parents considered themselves the least bit 'hip' or 'trendy', they would hire famed gay porn star, Jeff Stryker, and your mom would run the videocamera) The Jenny Holtzer line of greeting cards John Tesh's most popular performance would involve him sitting quietly at his piano and not touching the keys for exactly 4 minutes and 33 seconds You would hire Martin Creed as your electrician and learn to read your newspaper in 5 sec. intervals (when you got the bill, you would crumple it) Thomas Kinkade: the Painter of Light, and Feces Avon would sell collectable bottles of urine soaked crucifixes People would embrace the exfoliating qualities inherent in having fingernail clippings and pubic hair dispersed through out their bars of soap Cameras would all have the lens and the viewfinder on the same side |