Hey Diddle Diddle (the cat) played a fiddle, and did many similar tricks.
She could play poker, if you used a joker, and once built a birdbath from bricks.
She knew how to multiply, add, and subtract, for she learned mathematical arts
But not division: it made her brain fission, and split into multiple parts.
A highly unusual cat was this Hey Diddle Diddle, for she had the knack
Of finding the most sensible course of action, then taking the opposite tack.

This unusual combination of traits got her in and out of some difficult straits
Quite unlike many an average kitty, who often got killed by curiosity.

Curiosity once prompted this kitty to chase a big blue ball of yarn
That rolled its way down the stairs she was climbing, and out the door towards the barn.
The ball unrolled its yarn as it went onwards, which she chased without hesitation
And it led her into a terrible mess, for which she found no explanation.
The barn was inhabited by hordes of mice, by chickens, a horse, a cow or two
And also by several talented pigs, who seemed to have nothing else to do

But sing some improvised four-part motets, in sonorous pig-Latin rhyming couplets
With cluckings of chickens their chief counterpoint, which made quite a racket that shook the whole joint.

All this would have been just a typical day in the barn, but for one circumstance:
The mice were not used to cats running around, for against cats they stood not a chance.
So when the cat chased the yarn out to the barn, running where the ball of yarn led her
The mice in the barn raised a shrill of alarm, and pelted her with chunks of cheddar.
This had been saved up from raids which were made on the house, which was nearby, at night
While all the people who lived there were sleeping, and mice could sneak in, out of sight.

The mice ran off in almost all directions, in desperate search for other protections
Though Hey Diddle Diddle had no ill design upon the poor mice, they soon left her behind.

But this cat did not mind the flying cheese chunks, since cheese tends to not leave a scar,
But went on chasing the big ball of yarn, which went right underneath an old car.
This had been kept in the barn there for years, in fully functional condition:
The tires had not long ago been replaced, and keys were kept in the ignition!
The reason for this may seem somewhat unclear to those who don’t live on a farm:
With no one around, to keep keys in a car that was seldom used would cause no harm.

The flight of the mice through the barn gave a scare to the other animals who lived in there.
The horse reared himself up and gave a swift kick to the door of his stall, which opened up quick.

The horse bounded out of his stall with a snort, and made for the open barn doorway.
His hoof caught the yarn as he galloped on by, and kicked the yarn ball far away.
This set in motion a chain of events, whose results could not then be foreseen.
It started with Hey Diddle Diddle the cat leaping up in the machine.
She landed on top of the car’s steering wheel, and instantly started to slide.
She grabbed for support, and caught the car keys that were dangling down to one side

Of the steering wheel. The key started turning. All of a sudden, the engine was burning
To life! But she still had not got a good grip on anything firm, so she started to slip.

She grabbed for support again, and caught the shift, which was easier to hold onto,
But putting her weight on it caused it to shift to first gear, which she’d not planned to do
For she was just chasing the big ball of yarn, which bounced its way all through the car
And now was hurtling up through the air, for the horse really kicked it quite far.
The yarn had got wound round the hood ornament, and around the car’s front bumper too.
It also was wound round the horse’s hind hoof, which took up the slack as he flew.

Then all of a sudden, the yarn stretched out tight ‘twixt the bumper and hoof, but it did not quite
Manage to break, but instead pulled the car into a slow roll, but it hadn’t got far
Before the poor cat lost her tenuous grip on the shift, and dropped down to the floor
Where she landed on the gas pedal and made its acceleration swiftly soar.
The barn door was swinging wide open by now, and the horse had gone out through it first,
But now the car raced after him like a shot, their roles quickly being reversed
For the horse no longer was pulling the car with yarn attached to his hind shoe
But instead it seemed he was chased by the car, which was gaining on him swiftly too.

The horse suddenly took a turn to the right, then back round the car and again stretched out tight
The yarn that was wound round the car and his hoof. Then he came to a halt just under the roof

Of the barn. The yarn steered the car to the right in a long semicircular arc
And brought it back round through the side of the barn, which effectively put it in park.
Hey Diddle Diddle got off the gas pedal, and climbed up into the front seat
Of the car, where she saw the yarn had unrolled almost all the way to the street.
As the car smashed through the side of the barn, it barely missed hitting a cow
Who already was nervous, thanks to the mice, but got pumped with adrenaline now.

She ran for her life, without once looking back, and charged through the hole, hardly leaving a track.
She raced down the hill that the barn sat atop, without slowing down much, nor yet did she stop.

A small pond lay down at the foot of the hill, that was locally known as the Moon
For it was as round as the orb of the night, when viewed from a passing balloon.
A little dog watched from the shore of the pond, having heard the commotion just now
When what to his wondering eyes should appear but this enormous stampeding cow!
She raced right on down to the shore of the pond, and even then was not deterred,
For just when it looked like that she would get wet, something wonderful then occurred.

While all of this happened, Hey Diddle Diddle jumped from the car and had found her old fiddle
And found a spot where she could fiddle away. She found where the mice had all gone for the day.

They had all gathered themselves for a wedding, a most festive ceremony:
The groom was a shy little mouse from the barn, and the bride was a brown bumblebee!
The vows had just been exchanged by the couple, when the cat came cavorting in.
She saw the party was just getting started, so she played on her violin.
When the mice saw that she was not a menace, they cheered her songs most heartily
And gave her some wedding cake served on a dish, with a spoon, as part of her fee.

The cat went on fiddling out of the barn, with a pair of bagpipes tucked under her arm.
Now she could sing nothing but fiddle dee dee, the mouse had just married his sweet bumblebee!

The bagpipes were the other part of her fee, which she tried to play, but a sour
Note was the only sound she could produce, for she hadn’t enough lung power.
Before she got down to the foot of the hill, she dropped her dish and her spoon too
For what she saw then completely defied all gravitational law, known to
Hey Diddle Diddle, the cat with the fiddle, for the cow jumped OVER the Moon!
The little dog laughed to see such a sport, and the dish rolled away with the spoon.

Now nobody knows what became of the cow; I guess that her story is done with for now.
Did she ever land safely on the far shore? I’ve never been able to learn any more.