©2003 Harvey H. Warwick III

A secret Army base out in Nevada
Where the burning desert sands are all aglow
Is where once an engineer
Clapped his hands and gave a cheer
When he got the word his project was a go.

He contemplated many laws of physics
And cold equations that he had to grapple
But expected great success
When he started up his test
Of the revolutionary Stealth Pineapple.

Its existence had been publicly denied
And its function was completely classified,
But the U. S. military
Had a special commissary
Where they kept this secret project hid inside.

And word about it leaked out to a writer
Who had taken up a personal crusade
To by any means expose
What the Army did at those
Highly secret installations they had made.

Now he was an affiliate of CSICOP
And of MUFON, and of CUFOS, and one more,
For his name was Roger Trent:
He was also president
Of the Flying Saucer Sighting Club and store.

He even once had met J. Allen Hynek
Who had autographed a picture on the wall
Of his flying saucer store
Which he kept up there to lure
Passing customers who came in from the mall.

He made his living selling smudgy photos
Of phenomena that he could not explain
And sold many different models
Of toy spacecraft shaped like bottles
Or like disks with landing gear for rough terrain.

And he saw a golden opportunity
To achieve a little bit of lasting fame
Once he published the whole story
Of this most elusive quarry
Though the only thing he’d found out was its name.

Yet it conjured up for him shining visions
Of a secret military enterprise
To attempt re-engineering
Of a craft found in a clearing
That had fallen from the distant starry skies.

He thought it might look spheroidal on one end
And be covered with protruding metal spines
And that the other end had fins
That pointed outward, sharp as pins
And these gave the craft its pineapple-like lines.

And when he rendered his artist’s conception
Of this thing for which a name was his sole clue,
He sketched in a docking bay
Then he sculpted it in clay
And he made a mold to cast some models, too.

Of course, the rendering was on the cover
Of the newsletter he mailed out to his fans
And his former Army peers
At the Corps of Engineers
Just to let them know he hoped to foil their plans.

Now the engineer suspected what was up
And so, after sipping from his coffee cup,
He wrote out a lengthy note
Then he buttoned up his coat
And reported to his CO, Colonel Rupp:

“I must delay the launching of our project
‘Til we find a way to deal with Roger Trent.
It is not for public eyes
And he has the help of spies—
That’s according to this press release he sent.

“Our research here has been hindered, that’s the facts,
By his unrelenting media attacks.
It is time to join the fight:
If we play our cards just right
We can get this UFO nut off our backs.

“So I propose we let him find a photo
Of the sort of thing he thinks he’s looking for
Like a disk with shining spokes
Then reveal that it’s a hoax.
Once discredited, he’ll bother us no more.”

The colonel said, “That’s not a bad idea
And I think you should get started right away.
Go and take some phony pics
Get them to me before six
And I’ll make sure that they’re leaked to him today.”

The engineer said, "Sir, he’ll be suspicious
If he gets a hold of them too easily.
We should really make him work;
Let him hunt, and bribe, and lurk
For he’s likely to ignore them if they’re free.”

The colonel said, “I will not authorize you
To allow him to come anywhere inside.
We must keep this base secure;
If you want to try and lure
Him somewhere else, then you’ll have to be his guide.

“Perhaps a phony base of operations
With a military convoy parked outside
And a guard to man the gate
He’ll want to investigate
And he’ll find the photos there you’ll have supplied.

“Just try to keep this project under budget
For we are receiving constant scrutiny
From the Pentagon and Congress
And we need to try and impress
The Department of Homeland Security.

“I want this all set up by Monday morning
So we’ll get back on schedule by the next night.
I’ll give you a weekend pass
So you can go and amass
All you need—just make sure that you do it right.”

So the engineer assembled all he’d got
Then he drove to town to think about his plot.
While he played a game of keno
At a shiny new casino
On the northern edge of Reno, he’d a thought.

In order to get Roger Trent’s attention
And alert him to the possibility
That the Army might be testing
And perhaps even investing
In some unexpected new discovery

Then he had to stage a major spectacle
And to make it look like swarms of UFOs
In the desert were appearing
Near a very special clearing
Where his phony Army base would be disclosed.

He managed to assemble some old spotlights
And a bunch of color filters to disguise
The true color of the lighting
For he hoped to fake a sighting
By projecting colored lights into the skies

From his phony Army base in the desert
All surrounded by a metal chain-link fence
That was crossed by half-track ruts
Leading to some prefab huts,
With a guard to keep out nearby residents.

He started his deception on a Friday
Hoping in a night or two to spread the word
That a flap of UFOs
In the desert now arose
And a flying saucer sighting had occurred.

He called up Roger’s Flying Saucer Hotline
And anonymously gave this cryptic tip:
“There’s a story in the making
For there’s something out here taking
People from their homes, some kind of flying ship!”

Within a day a crowd of eager snoopers
Were exploring all the desert near his base.
When they asked to come inside,
Their requests were all denied:
They were told that they had come to the wrong place.

While the engineer shaved off a day-old stubble,
He got a call that sounded much like trouble:
“This is Major General Hansel
I’m afraid I’ll have to cancel
Your weekend leave—report back on the double!”

When he got back to the secret Army base
He was greeted by an unfamiliar face.
“I’m Lieutenant Colonel Clay—
If you’ll quickly come this way
For the general has sent me to replace

Colonel Rupp, and wants to brief you on events.”
As he stepped into his office, he felt tense;
Then the general said, “Soldier,
Everything that Rupp has told ya
Was deceptive: he’s been sitting on the fence.

“The colonel took advantage of your absence
To make copies of your research project file
And delivered them to Trent
For it seems that he is bent
On revenge: he had us fooled for quite a while.

“For I upset his chance at a promotion
‘Cause he didn’t seem the proper sort of guy
That you’d want to have command:
He was quite an angry man
And it seems that now we’ve found our hidden spy.

“His sellout was a grave miscalculation
Though Colonel Rupp has proudly served this nation
And he’ll find, at his court-martial,
That the judge will be impartial
And will take all this into consideration.”

Then the engineer said, "Sir, I had no clues,
And I can’t believe that he would so abuse
His position of respect.
Now there’s nothing to protect
My research from being on the evening news.”

Then Colonel Clay remarked, “That’s not a problem:
Your research was not so secret; don’t be dense.
Did you think the military
Would employ a commissary
To hide secrets vital to homeland defense?

“It was an exercise in misdirection
And your work upon this project was for show.
It was just diversionary;
As with all things military
The true nature of our work is ‘need-to-know.’

"Your work let us release misinformation
That will ultimately reach our enemy.
Though the clues you rightly read
We have been three steps ahead:
This conspiracy is widely spread, you see."

“If Roger Trent attempts to sell the story
Of the Stealth Pineapple or the phony base
Then his manuscript they’ll banish
For the evidence will vanish
And will disappear without a single trace.

“If anyone attempts to track a sighting
That originated from your phony base,
Nothing worthwhile will they get:
They’ll find it’s a movie set
For a movie about aliens from space.”

The general said, “Here’s a new assignment
And I want you to get started right away.
For you’ve been a worthwhile tool
To the Army, and now you’ll
Be reporting to Lieutenant Colonel Clay.”

What the Army really does in the desert
Is a secret not discovered by the press.
Are there aliens out there?
Is it all a silly scare?
For the answer to that’s anybody’s guess.

5/03