©2003 Harvey H. Warwick III

A catalog came in the mail today
From some place that I'd never heard of before
With all sorts of novelties, knickknacks and gifts
Which they said that you'd never find in a store.
They promised delivery by Christmas Eve
If they got your order by December 3.
For credit card orders you wouldn't be charged
Until after New Years, and shipping was free.
On page one they showed a big Swiss army knife
With all sorts of blades and attachments inside
Including binoculars, compass, car horn,
Umbrella, sundial, and wilderness guide.
They offered an all-purpose construction kit
That let you build robotic dinosaur cars.
They also had genuine lunar rock chunks
And some more rocks which they said were from Mars.
For one forty nine ninety five you could buy
(Imported from Russia at no small expense)
A genuine Soviet army canteen
With genuine bullet holes, scratches and dents.
A souvenir piece of the old Berlin Wall
A chunk of a genuine meteorite
A small bonsai juniper five inches tall
For twelve dollars more could be shipped overnight.
Of course, they had all kinds of holiday stuff
A glittering treasure trove of surprises:
Like Christmas tree salt shakers, reindeer neckties,
And Frosty the Snowman pajamas, all sizes.
They also had last year's best-selling new toys
Which all of the stores had run out of last Christmas
But now, they had found an enormous supply
Though this year, they're hardly on anyone's wish list.
On the back page was my favorite item:
An all-terrain vehicle, for sea or land
Which I would dearly love to send away for
If only I could afford twenty-five grand.
The only item they had in my price range
That I could find some good excuse to pay for
Were the free address labels they included
With every order of ten bucks or more.
And so - why not? - maybe I'll get that bonsai
And use it for scenery for my train set.
Sure, it's an expensive way to buy labels
But this year, it's the only gift I may get.