©2004 Harvey H. Warwick III

There was a man named Marvin Jones
Who simply hated telephones.
He seldom used a phone at all
Except those mounted on a wall.
But those that came without a cord
Were something that he just abhorred;
They were a thing he could not see
Intruding on his privacy.
For he would often be away
From home, for many hours a day,
And when he came back home at night
In solitude found his delight
To curl up with a favorite book
Without phones ringing off the hook.
And when he traveled on the road
While traffic all around him flowed
Was not a time he cared to hear
A cell phone pressed against his ear
Nor did he ever really want
To hear one in a restaurant.
In theaters they had no place;
A phone heard there was a disgrace
And in a church or hospital
One never should hear phones at all.
So he would turn a deathly pale
When someone sent him in the mail
An offer for a telephone
They’d send for free, that he could own
With purchase of a calling plan,
Nor could he really understand
The high-tech terminology
Explaining how the phone was free.
And he was always quite annoyed
Whenever cell phones were employed
In buses, barbershops, and bars
And wished folks left them in their cars.
When once by accident he found
A cell phone lying on the ground
That suddenly began to ring
He knew he had to do something.
Could he not just escape the pow’r
Of phones, for even half an hour?
In this, he felt he had been wronged
And cared not to whom it belonged
But ground the hateful thing beneath
His heel, while clenching tight his teeth
And instantly felt such relief
Although the ringing had been brief
That now, to even up the score
He knew he had to crush some more.
So then, upon that fateful morn
The Phone Avenger there was born
Who gentle peace and quiet brings
By silencing obnoxious rings
And tries to set (or so one hears)
Technology back fifty years.
He’s credited for making fall
Five cell phone dealers at the mall
Who each have issued, so it’s said,
Enormous bounties on his head.
No matter how compact and slim
No cell phone made is safe from him,
For if it rings, it just might feel
The brutal impact of his heel.
If you are in a crowd, beware!
The Phone Avenger might be there.
He’s seeking phones he can destroy
So never treat yours like a toy
But fold it up when not in use
Lest you should give him an excuse.
Be sure to set it to vibrate
For it will meet a dismal fate
If your cell phone is ringing when
The Phone Avenger strikes again!