A Football Fable
There once was an odd-minded fellow named Will
Who fancied himself an inventor of sorts
And although he had no particular skill,
Thought he could improve on the playing of sports.
He would watch football games most ev�ry Sunday
And frequently agonize over bad calls
The referees made, and thought, is there some way,
Some way they could keep better track of the balls?
They seemed to have cameras on ev�ry side
And always used instant replay in each game.
Yet with all this help they just couldn�t decide
Which team got the ball, and he thought it a shame.
This had to be some technological fault
For which he could invent a miracle cure;
If he could just bring the bad calls to a halt
Then he�d make a fortune, of that he was sure.
By putting some kind of sensor inside of
The football to mark its position in flight
And some on the field, if it should go wide of
The goal line, he thought, they could call the game right.
Maybe if they magnetized all the grid lines
It might do away with the need for the chains.
As long as the football stayed in those confines
The sensors could calculate fourth down yard gains.
When the ball broke through the plane of the goal line
Would not be determined by long booth reviews
But would be displayed on CRTs so fine
That results would instantly become sports news.
He started out with just a small prototype
That easily fit on a card table top
And though he presented it with lots of hype
Found nobody wanted one�it was a flop.
The fact that he knew nearly nothing about
Electronic radio sensors just might
Have been the main reason for his striking out
Yet he remained oblivious to his plight.
For he had seen down at a small hobby store
An item for sale that just might do the trick:
A science fair kit that held projects galore.
He�d take one apart to see what made it tick.
Sure enough, when he paid forty-nine fifty
And took home the kit to see what lay inside
He found there a project that he thought was nifty:
A genuine radio kit with a guide
Which told him ev�rything he could have needed
To know about radio telemetry.
His expectations were greatly exceeded:
It came with a helpline he could call toll-free.
Armed with the confidence of his investment
In this new electronic kit�s wizardry
He went in search of a willing contestant
Or two to try out his new football for free.
And it so happened on that very morning
At Fred Mucker Stadium, not far away
That the Blair High School football team got warning
The Baskerville Blasters were coming to play.
So far, the Blasters had one perfect season:
At fourteen and zero, they hadn�t been beat,
Which, to Blair�s coach, Randy Rand, was displeasin�,
For this was a team he just had to unseat.
Although the Blair Tigers had been in a slide
(Their record, at five and nine, didn�t look sweet)
With Randy Rand cheering them on from the side
The team would not quickly go down to defeat.
He�d rallied his players the previous night
And told them that they were the best on the field.
Though he knew today they�d put up a good fight
Just how they could win had not yet been revealed.
For Randy Rand needed some kind of an edge
To help his team stop an unbeatable foe.
Some more information might give him a wedge
But where he could find some, he just didn�t know.
And it was right then, at that critical point
That Will walked into Randy�s office, and said
�Hi there, my name�s Will. You in charge of this joint?
I think I can help you, because I just read
You�ve a game coming up you�re likely to lose.
The odds are against you: your team�s in a slump.
It won�t have to be that way, though, if you choose
To try out my system that gives you a jump
On playing the game, with a real-time display
That shows where the ball is, both in bounds and out.
Could this help your run game? I think it just may:
It gives you the info you�ll need for this bout.
No more wasting challenges on a bad play!
No more needless penalties, �cause you can�t tell
Just who had the ball, because you�ll see today
When you can keep track of the ball, you�ll play well.
I�ll set the whole thing up for you if I may
So you can see just how it works in this game.
I think you will like it, and that I can say
The Baskerville Blasters will be put to shame.
They�ve won more than one game on pretty bad calls
That wouldn�t have happened had this been in place.
But after today, once this mighty team falls
They�ll slide from the playoffs in silent disgrace.�
And Randy Rand said, �That all sounds pretty good;
We�ve had a few problems in tracking the ball.
But what of the ref? Do you think that he would
Allow us to use such a system at all?
�If we were to use your equipment out there
Set up on the sidelines right where all could see
The Blasters would most surely think it unfair
And then would complain to the game referee.�
Then Will said, �I�ve already thought of that too.
The Blasters would have their own CRT screen,
But there is a secret advantage for you:
A tiny ball microphone that can�t be seen.
Only your headset would pick up the sound
Of all that is said in their huddles today.
This omni-directional mike won�t be found;
It�s inside the ball, and from ten feet away
If it�s a light whisper or if it�s a shout
You�ll hear ev�rything that goes on in the game.
No matter the volume, you�ll still make it out.
With such an advantage, I�m sure you can tame
The Blasters� aggression. So what do you say?
In ten minutes, I�ll have it ready to go.
If you want my help, there�s no time for delay:
Their bus will be here in three hours, you know.�
Although he thought it was too good to be true,
Still Randy Rand said, �Well, let�s give it a try.
If it helps us win this game, I promise you
This is a thing I�d be happy to buy.�
Exactly three and a half hours later
The Tigers and Blasters walked out on the field,
Each heralded by a sports commentator,
And each team resolved that the other would yield.
Then, after the national anthem was played,
The long-dreaded game was at last underway.
Randy Rand looked to see who was arrayed
Against his offense as he called his first play.
His team responded with enthusiasm
And marched the ball straight down the field to score.
Before he knew it, a seven point chasm
�Twixt Tigers and Blasters had made the crowd roar.
But then, the Tigers went on the defensive
And punted the ball from the fifty yard line.
Randy Rand�s scrutiny became intensive
As he saw the clock stop at nine fifty-nine.
Then Will said, �It�s right here the magic begins.
Your headset�s now tuned to the sound of the game.
Remember your promise, �cause if your team wins
This will be my ticket to fortune and fame.�
And for the rest of the quarter, it looked like
The Tigers were now the unbeatable team.
Each time their center bent down for a ball hike
They moved that much closer to Randy Rand�s dream.
Each of the plays that were called by the Blasters
Could be overheard through the hidden ball mike.
It now was clear that the Tigers were masters
As they would halt ev�ry new offensive strike,
Until after one really long punt return
That had been fair-caught on the fifteen yard line
By one of the Blasters� receivers, named Vern
Who shouted, as he saw it coming, �It�s mine!�
Unknown to the Tigers and referees too
Vern played with a pacemaker inside his chest
Which was of a kind that was totally new:
A prototype he�d been the first one to test.
It did ev�rything a pacemaker should do
And was not affected by microwave beams.
But audio circuits near it often blew:
It set up a feedback that sounded like screams.
So when the ball landed in Vern�s outstretched hand
The hidden ball microphone started to squeal
And blasted the headset worn by Randy Rand
With sound even Will, sitting nearby, could feel.
As Randy Rand tore off his headset in pain
He shouted to Will, �Better do something fast!�
Until Will reached over and turned down the gain
And kept it down low �til the feedback had passed.
But when he looked up, the football had been thrown
With very poor aim by their new quarterback
Right into the stands, he observed with a groan,
Avoiding a possible defensive sack.
It was at this point that the one major flaw
In all of Will�s high-tech game plans became known,
And that was the one that he now clearly saw:
There was just one ball with a ball microphone.
But that one was now in the hands of a fan.
Another football had been put into play.
This turn of events was not part of his plan:
Instead it would seem to be cause for dismay.
Yet Randy Rand now was so flushed with success
He paid little mind to this turn of events
But had been employing the mike less and less
As his offense strategy became intense.
After the next play, the first quarter ended
And Randy Rand called his team over and said,
�Everything�s going just as I intended.
I�m proud of you guys. Keep it up�we�re ahead!�
While he laid out his plans for the next quarter
And made substitutions, then sent his team back,
Will found the fan with his ball, and implored her
To swap it for one autographed by Big Jack.
Now he was the Blair Tigers� star running back:
A real ladies� man and considered quite cool.
No one on the field could outrun Big Jack,
A big man on campus around Blair High School.
Although at first she wouldn�t part with the ball
She finally gave in, without much debate,
When Will promised her that he also would call
Big Jack, and he�d set the girl up with a date.
But then, when he came back to Randy Rand�s side
The game�s second quarter was well underway.
The Blasters had scored, and the game now was tied
At seven to seven, and there it would stay
Right up until halftime, when Will took the ball
That he had recovered back down on the field
To switch with the other one, making sure all
He did was not noticed, but closely concealed.
Then when he was finished, he went to resume
His spying agenda, and found Randy Rand
Explaining his plans, in the team locker room,
To score a tiebreaker, and then make a stand.
His voice was so confident, filled with such charm,
As he laid his plans out for moving the ball,
That Will became gripped with a sense of alarm
And thought that he might not be needed at all!
If that were to happen, then his shining dream
To win fame and glory would go up in smoke,
So he wracked his brain to come up with a scheme
To make sure the Blair Tigers� offense would choke,
At least until he could get Randy Rand�s ear
And tell him he needed this system to win.
If he could do that, there�d be no need to fear:
He�d make sure their victory margin was thin.
He went out the back way to go find the guide
That came with his hobby store science fair kit.
While reading the project instructions inside
He found a solution that he thought would fit.
It seemed that his custom-made ball microphone
Could be used for more than a surveillance tool.
It could also transmit sound to the same zone,
A feature that Will thought was useful and cool.
The plan that suggested itself to him now
Involved having sound coming out of the ball
In some unique way, though he wasn�t sure how,
That might cause a would-be receiver to fall.
If it was too loud, it might give him away;
He had to make sure Randy Rand didn�t know.
It had to occur while the ball was in play
A couple of seconds just after a throw.
It couldn�t be done on an end run or hike;
A sudden noise then wouldn�t fumble the ball.
But once in the air, then he�d speak in his mike.
If he could just think of the right thing to call:
Perhaps a loud yell or a scream was the thing
To make a man stumble when trying to catch.
Or if he could mess up the quarterback�s fling
Of the ball to his man on the downfield stretch,
The ball might go wild and then chaos would reign.
The offense would grind to a thundering halt.
Then Randy Rand would have some cause to complain
And seek out Will�s help again, just by default.
The half-time show ended and now there began
The battle �twixt Randy and Will for the ball
As Will sought to execute his secret plan
To disrupt the game with a timely loud call.
The third quarter started with offensive bristle
As Big Jack ran twenty-nine yards the first play
Without the sound of a referee�s whistle:
The longest the Tigers had run the whole day.
It�s time, thought Will, for a little commotion.
The defense won�t fall for that play again soon.
Once the ball�s thrown, while the ball is in motion,
I�ll scare the receiver by whistling a tune.
For Will, who did sound effects, liked to employ
One like an incoming nuclear missile
Which, coming out from the ball, just might destroy
Team concentration, if they heard that whistle.
And as he predicted, the next play involved
A five-step drop back, and the quarterback threw.
But just when it looked like his problems were solved
He saw yet another thing he had to do.
For things took a sudden and surprising turn:
The ball did not land in the hands of Big Jack
But it had been intercepted by Vern
Who then tumbled over and fell on his back.
The resulting fumble let loose a melee
As all of the players now heard the feedback
For Vern dropped the ball to get out of the way;
He could not withstand the ear-splitting attack.
The players piled up, for the ball was still live:
No foul had been called, but no one had a grip.
Each time someone got it, though, they took a dive
And covered their ears while they let the ball slip.
Then, finally, when the ball left Vern behind
The ear-splitting noise stopped and it came to rest.
But Will knew it wouldn�t be long �til they�d find
His hidden ball mike; a few minutes, at best.
The whistles were blown and the ball declared dead
And Randy Rand looked up at Will and he smiled.
Then Will, who thought he was in trouble, instead
Looked out on the field, and at once was beguiled.
The referees hadn�t located the noise:
They thought it had come from their own microphones,
And reset the game clock while technician boys
Sought for the source of those ear-splitting tones.
And Vern, who had fumbled the ball when he fell
Was helped off the field to go treat a leg sprain
For when he had tried to stand, he�d not felt well,
But found that his thigh was now knotted in pain.
Now Randy and Will did not know it was Vern
Who caused all the feedback by catching the ball
And finding the source was, for Will, a concern:
It might just allow him to win, after all.
But no further feedback disrupted the match
As Vern was in no shape to rejoin his team.
Though Will tried to make some on each Blasters catch
The ball microphone worked too well, it would seem.
Nor would it have been necessary at all,
For no one caught passes the rest of the game.
Both teams were too nervous to catch a thrown ball
While thoughts of that ear-splitting sound spoiled their aim.
And so it was not �til the fourth quarter, late
While both teams attempted to break the long tie
That something occurred which determined the fate
Of Will�s unique system, though he knew not why.
The Blasters had lined up to kick a field goal
With less than ten seconds to play in the game.
Most everyone thought they were now on a roll
But just as the ball had been kicked, then there came
The sound of a thump, for the punt had been blocked!
The ball, spinning backwards, was caught by Big Jack
Who ran for the goal line, while spectators mocked
The belated chase by the rest of the pack.
But ere he got down to the goal line, he tripped
And let go the ball while he fell in the grass.
Nor yet did the ball drop, but gracefully flipped
Up into the air, as Jack found out, alas,
He�d missed the goal line by three inches or less.
The clock would run out if the ball was not caught
But where had it gone? That was anyone�s guess;
Did someone else catch it? He knew he had not
Then, from the air as the football descended
There came a commanding voice, loud, clear, and cool
That changed the way that the game would have ended:
It said, unmistakably, �Catch it, you fool!�
And somebody caught it! It wasn�t Big Jack
Who�d not have been eligible once he fell
But it was caught by a Tigers halfback
Who leaped in the air with a triumphant yell.
The crowd then erupted. The Tigers had won!
And Randy Rand smiled and said, �Will, you�re the man.�
But Will, who�d thought all of his work was undone
Could not comprehend the success of his plan.
Will asked, �Did you hear that?� And Randy said �Yes.�
Then Will said, �That wasn�t my doing at all!
I don�t know where that voice came from, but I guess
We�ve got quite a mystery inside that ball.�
But when they went out to retrieve it, they found
The Blair High School principal had got the ball
And after inquiry, learned that it was bound
To be displayed in a case out in the hall.
Randy Rand went to the next school board meeting
And gave, for buying Will�s system, this reason:
�We don�t know just how it works, but we�re needing
This new technology, to save our season.�
And though the school board gave it their approval
That system, to date, has been Will�s only sale,
For he�s been stumped by the football�s removal
Although he just sent for a new kit, by mail.
It isn�t likely he�ll get back his football
And take it apart to run some kind of trace
For in the middle of Blair High School�s main hall
That football is still locked up in that glass case.
Sometimes, at night, when the hallway is empty
A sound can be heard coming out of that case:
Someone who�s dialing a number that�s toll-free
Who needs some help with his development race.
He never read all the fine print directions
To build his transmitter, though had he done so
He might have found it did three-way connections;
To where it connected, he might like to know.
And all the people who answer that number
Are ever so helpful, and try to make sure
When callers� problems prevent them from slumber
They do what it takes to come up with a cure.
There�s hidden features in all their inventions
That keep them apprised of how well they perform
And let them do some discreet interventions
If product performance should fall below norm.
Though explanations are not their intention
For they�re in the business to make a quick buck.
Their goal is not customer comprehension
But selling an upgrade kit, with any luck.
12/05