� 2004 Harvey H. Warwick III
All trademarks are properties of their respective holders
If you don't own a computer
You'll still get them in the mail:
They're sent out to everybody
Every few months without fail.
If you've ever been a member
You'll be getting them forever
Though it isn't recommended
That you use them, no, not ever,
As an Internet connection
'Cause I've found, that once you boot 'er
It's the hardest thing I know of
To remove from your computer.
But don't worry, there's no reason
To go clutter up the landfill
With discarded AOL disks
'Cause there's more than just a handful
Of new uses I've discovered
For those disks that you've collected
And I'll list them here in order
So that after you've inspected
My research, then you can try them
And make use of them without risks.
Here's one hundred one new uses
For discarded AOL disks.
If you need something reflective
And there is no bathroom nearer
You will find one very useful
As a handheld shaving mirror.
You can use them as reflectors
On a bicycle or trailer,
But you only need the disk, though:
You can throw away the mailer.
They are excellent as bookmarks
And they're handy, too, as coasters.
In the hole that's in the middle
You can slide old rolled-up posters.
If you've got a couple hundred
You can use them as roof shingles
Or just hang one from your wind chimes
And then listen while it jingles.
If you mount one on a handle
It could be a pizza wheel
Or a rolling butter cutter
Plus, it doesn't rust, like steel.
They are fun to use as Frisbees
And they're fabulous as trivets.
Put one underneath your golf tee
To reduce your golfing divots.
As a target for skeet shooting
They work better than clay pigeons,
And for measuring spaghetti
They are useful, too, in kitchens.
If you're really artsy-craftsy
You can find so many uses
That to throw them in the trash can
There are simply no excuses:
As a makeshift artist's palette
Or a novel napkin holder
Or a cover for an ashtray
So the ashes will not smolder.
If you plug them in the middle
They can even serve as dishes
And they're great for scraping paint off
And they're good for cleaning fishes.
Just apply some stick-on numbers
And you have an instant clock face.
For a bright and shiny mobile
Hang a dozen in some clear space.
Try one as a circle template.
Try one as a target bull's-eye.
Try one as a jumbo washer
Or a fan to cool your face by.
String a couple on a necklace.
Hand them out as party favors.
You can use them to scoop ice cream:
They work best with soft-serve flavors.
If you're sorting stacks of paper
You can use them as dividers.
Moving furniture on carpets?
They can also serve as sliders.
Mount one as a pencil topper
And you have a doll umbrella.
Use one as a candle holder
When you're burning citronella.
If you're making large outdoor signs
They can serve as punctuation
Or for building abstract sculptures
Use in any combination.
Kept awake at night by back pain?
When in bed, are you a squirmer?
Slide some in your sagging mattress
And they'll make your mattress firmer.
Try one as a cutting board or
Try one as a blade screwdriver.
Try one as a cheap backscratcher:
It won't even cost a fiver.
Slid between some frozen patties
They keep burgers separated.
Line your floor with them as pavers
When your carpet looks outdated.
Juggle them for entertainment.
They make dandy tops for spinning.
Hang them up as Christmas decor
With a hook for underpinning.
Try one as a novel switchplate
For the light switch in your bedroom.
Paint a warning sign upon one
For a space that's low on headroom.
Laminate a bunch together
As a top for your new table.
Stack a pile beneath your bookshelves
If you find that they're unstable.
Put one in a box of chocolates
As a layer separator.
Mount one on a sturdy magnet.
Hang on your refrigerator.
Tie a couple strung together
To the bumper of the groom's car
At a wedding ceremony;
They'll get noticed ere they drive far.
Tape a bunch of them on cardboard
For an auto dashboard sunscreen.
Try one as a scorecard clipboard
When you're putting on the golf green.
They work great when you go fishing
As a lure for barracudas.
And they're good as tongue depressors;
You may not need one, but who does?
If you have a big shirt pocket
Slide one in as a protector
And in telescopes they work well
If you're building a reflector.
They're the coolest thing for discos
If you hang them from the ceiling
And then shine a strobe light on them
For that pulsing disco feeling.
Make a camera obscura.
Use a bunch to line your bird cage.
Smash a dozen with a wood bat
When you want to vent your outrage.
For a handy finger puppet
Paint a funny face upon one.
You can mount one as a gunsight
On the barrel of a shotgun.
Use a pair to toss a salad
If that sort of thing's your pleasure.
Mark the edge in millimeters:
Use one as a rolling measure.
For a nifty room divider
Hang a hundred on some cables.
Put a pedestal beneath them
For some perfect dollhouse tables.
Sew a couple on your sweatshirt
If you like to go night jogging.
They're real good for scooping crud out
Of your sink when you're unclogging.
If you're running out of quarters
You can use one for a coin toss:
Label side up is a winner
Shiny side up is a sure loss.
Try one out as a ring sizer
If you've tiny, narrow fingers.
Use a disk to fan the air with
If there's some bad smell that lingers.
They make perfect little platforms
To showcase a rare collection.
Hang them up to shade your houseplants
To provide solar protection.
Bundle some inside your drywall
If you need more insulation.
Send them out instead of postcards
When you're going on vacation.
Mount one on your sliding glass doors
As a visual reminder.
For some added reinforcement
Paste them on your notebook binder.
Use the edge for scratch 'n' sniff games.
Tie one on a lengthy pull chain.
Use a disk for acupressure
If you find that you are in pain.
As a base for making clay pots
They provide some reinforcement.
Use one with a felt-tip marker
For celebrity endorsement
And collecting autographs from
Friends and neighbors and relations.
You can use one as a stirrer
When you're mixing doggy rations.
Mount one on a shaft with bearings
For a dollhouse lazy susan
And as ready-made toy cart wheels
They're the perfect thing for usin'.
You can make yourself a plumb bob
If you tie one to a long string.
Hang them on your walls for feng shui
If you want to try a new thing.
Weave one into your dreamcatcher.
Try one as a small roulette wheel
And in shoe repair they're handy
To replace an old worn-out heel.
Use as finials on fenceposts
Or as novel new door knockers.
You can teach some dogs to chase them
Such as dobermans and cockers.
As a potter's tool they're perfect
When you're shaping lumps of wet clay
And for semaphore they're super:
You can signal with a sun ray.
Try one as a Christmas gift tag
Or a lid for some wide glass jar
Or a mold for pressing Play-doh
Or a pick for your new guitar.
That's one hundred one new uses:
Please feel free to add suggestions
For I'm sure these aren't exhaustive
But they should work. Any questions?
12/25/04