Jerry Kinger Show Episode 5: "If the Low-Rider's A-Rockin'...Don't Come A-Knockin'!"
Part 1:
Cheesy royal-type music begins as a middle-aged man walks out on to the stage and into the audience. A chant of �Jerry, Jerry, Jerry� fills the studio. He takes a couple of bows and hands his crown to a stagehand. �Thank you, thank you. As you know, I�m Jerry �The King� Lawler, and this is The Jerry Kinger show. Today�s episode deals with affairs of the heart�some good, some not-so-good. Then there are some that just bewilder. Have you ever asked the question, �How did those two ever get together?� Well, my first two guests have been hearing that same question asked over and over, and today, they are here to put an end to it � once and for all!
Let me welcome to the Jerry Kinger Show�� Interrupting Jerry�s introduction was the sound of a car horn. Then the speakers roared:
�MAMCITA!� The sound of that one word brought the audience to its feet. Much to their surprise a lowered Pink Cadillac drove in through the double doors on the stage.
Lawler orgasmed on the spot. �IT�S LATINO HEAT! LATINO HEAT! I CAN�T BELIEVE IT�MAMACITA AND LATINO HEAT!� Eddie stopped the car, got out and walked to the passenger side. As he opened Chyna�s door, he presented her with a bouquet of long-stemmed roses. Chyna looked at Eddie, then turned to the audience and smiled. Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler continued in the throes of his pseudo-orgasm. �LATINO HEAT! LATINO HEAT! MAMACITA AND LATINO HEAT! I CAN�T BELIEVE IT�LATINO HEAT!� Finally, Jerry shuddered and released his breath. �Whew! Wow. Gotta do that again sometime. Anyone got a cigarette?,� Lawler joked.
Chyna and Eddie made their way to the chairs, put on their microphones, and sat down. Laughing, smelling her roses, Chyna asked, �Gee Jerry, was it as good for you as it was for me?�
Lawler, slightly embarrassed, replied, �I dunno, Chyna, you tell me.� Without waiting for her reply Jerry began with the questions. �Eddie and Chyna, thank you for coming. Let�s get down to business. The question on everyone�s mind is, How did you two end up with each other? I mean, if we revisit your past Chyna, you�ve been paired up with some crazy people. That whole DX thing, the Kat, and most recently Chris Jericho, you know. But, you and Eddie have set the World Wrestling Federation ablaze! I�ve never seen you so happy, Chyna. Can you explain?�
�Well King, this is all so new to me. When I was with DX, I was the bodyguard. I was always on my toes, watching out for the boys. Even alone with Triple H, it still felt like business. Then, I decided to strike out on my own. To this day, I still don�t know why that whole Kat business happened. That is actually a couple of months I�d like to forget�not counting the fact that I held the Intercontinental Championship Belt.� As she said that, the audience roared. �Thanks. Anyway, I know no one understood the nature of the relationship between Chris Jericho and I. To tell you the truth, neither did I. Yes, it was borne of mutual respect. Our feud opened each other�s eyes to the talents we had. Nevertheless, I knew the partnership wouldn�t last very long. But, I didn�t think it would end the way it did.�
King interrupted. �That brings us to Eddie, right?�
�Right.� She looked over at Eddie and smiled. �When Eddie first arrived with the Radicalz, I thought he was a pompous asshole. That whole Latino Machismo thing�ugh, what a turnoff. Then after that Pay-Per-View match earlier this year, he cornered me backstage. He dropped to his knees and started begging. �Please, mamacita Chyna, please! Let me take you out and show you how to have fun!� He kept begging for what seemed like an eternity. Chris was waiting for me, so in order to get him to stop, I told him I would go.�
Lawler, looking surprised, asked, �So you basically went out with him that first time out of pity and exasperation?�
Patting Eddie�s hand, Chyna guiltily nodded, �Yes.�
Eddie, his eyes filled with hurt, looked over and Chyna and said, �What?! You�you told me you couldn�t resist my charisma�my Latino Heat!�
Chyna, stammering, trying to explain, answered, �Eddie, listen. I had to tell you that. I was with Chris at the time. I didn�t know you like I do now.� With Eddie still visibly hurt, Chyna tried to continue. �As I was saying, I went out with him. Eddie took me to one of those little carnivals�you know the ones that come into town for a week and then leave? Well, I had an incredible time! He was polite, charming, if not sometimes cheesy, and he devoted all his attention to me. I was treated like a queen! He even played the Ring Toss game for two hours to win me that giant unicorn. God knows how much he spent.� She again looked at Eddie and smiled. �From then, I was lost. I was his. And�he was mine.� Eddie�s hurt look was replaced with happiness as her words sunk in.
�Mamacita!� He grabbed Chyna and planted kisses up and down her arm. �You make me so happy. There is no one else I could ever want.�
A voice came out from behind the stage. �That�s not what you said a few weeks ago, Eddie!� The familiar Spanish trumpet music started and a tall red-headed woman with a large shoulder tattoo walked onto the stage.
For the second time in twenty minutes, Jerry freaked. �OH MY GOD�IT�S LITA, LITA, LITA!�
Part 2:
Lita sauntered out to where Chyna and Eddie were sitting, a devilish smile across her face. Dressed in a black halter top and tight-fitting black flares, Lita sat down at the other side of Eddie, lightly running her finger up his arm as she sat. Chyna glared at Lita with jealous eyes. Lita just looked at Chyna, laughed and stuck out her tongue. Enraged, Chyna jumped out of her chair and lunged toward Lita, but was stopped by Eddie. �Mamacita�stop. Calm�sit down.�
Begrudgingly, Chyna complied with Eddie�s wishes and sat back down, her eyes still boring holes into Lita. Jerry walked toward the stage and looked at Lita. �Lita, so nice to have you here. This was totally unexpected.�
�I know. Sorry about that, King. But, when I heard that Eddie and Chyna were going to be on the show, I just had to listen in! It�s not everyday where you hear such a tale of opposites attract. But, as lovely as the story was, the ending just wasn�t true.�
Trying to keep control of her emotions, Chyna gritted her teeth. �Lita, what the hell are you blathering about? Eddie and I have been inseparable since the Raw after Wrestlemania!�
�Really, Chyna? Inseparable? Hmm�that�s interesting,� Lita replied, sarcastically.
Chyna glanced at Eddie with a look of concern. �Eddie? What is she alluding to? Is there a reason I should be worried?� She couldn�t help but notice the frantic pace with which his eyes kept moving from Chyna to Lita and back. �Answer me, Eddie! Should I be worried?�
Eddie lowered his head, gulped and wiped his clammy hands on his pants. �Well, Mamacita. I�um, I�uh, well�you�re not really going to like this, but�um�uh.�
Frustrated, Lita interrupted. �What Eddie is trying to say is�he tried to give me some of that irresistible Latino Heat!�
�What?! He what?!� Chyna rose from her chair, disbelieving what she was hearing.
�Oh yeah, Chyna. Eddie scorched me with his Latino Heat�if you know what I mean!� Lita let out a cackling laugh and smiled at Chyna. �He�s so irresistible.� In a King-esque style, she shouted �OOH�LATINO HEAT! LATINO HEAT! EDDIE TOUCHED ME WITH HIS LATINO HEAT!�
Absolutely furious, Chyna jumped Lita, knocking her over. Both women hit the floor and Chyna started slapping her. �You bitch! That�s not true! Eddie would never do something like that, you slut!� Eddie tried prying apart the two women, but he couldn�t do it alone. A �Kinger Guard� had to grab hold of Lita while Eddie pried Chyna off her. �Eddie! Tell her its not true!�
�Oh God. I don�t want to say this, but it�s true Mamacita.�
Part 3:
Chyna�s eyes widened, �WHAT?!�
Again Lita interrupted Eddie before he had a chance to explain. �Yes, Chyna. It is true. Eddie sent shivers up my�� This time, Eddie interrupted Lita.
�SHUT UP, LITA!� Shocked, Lita became silent. Looking over at Chyna, Eddie dropped to his knees and pleaded with her. �Chyna, Mamacita�please listen to me! Please! It�s not what you think! Let me explain!� He grabbed Chyna�s hand and tried to kiss it. Chyna ripped her hand away from Eddie and smacked him.
�There�s nothing to explain, Eddie! I understand perfectly. You cheated on me with that bitch! You said I was the only one, Eddie. I believed you. I should�ve known you couldn�t stop your womanizing.� She cradled her head in her hands. �ARGH! I am SUCH an idiot!�
Despite Chyna�s rejection, Eddie refused to relent. �Chyna! Please! You have to let me explain! Please! King, do something!�
Startled, King stammered, �Uh, uh. Well, um, I wasn�t expecting this turn of events, Eddie.� Suddenly, Jerry smiled and asked, �I have a great suggestion. Audience, do you think Chyna should stay and listen to Eddie�s explanation? Or, should she just leave now? Ok, clap if you think Chyna should stay and listen.� The audience responded with thunderous applause. �Clap if you think Chyna should leave now, without Eddie�s explanation.� The only sound heard was the backstage manager sneezing. Laughing, Jerry turned to Chyna and said, �Well, Chyna. The audience thinks you should listen to what Eddie has to say. Will you?�
Eddie again pleaded. �Please, Mamacita. Just give me a chance.� He looked and saw Lita laughing. �Shut up, Lita. You got me into this mess in the first place.�
Lita kept laughing and replied, �Whatever Eddie. It�s not like you didn�t want it.�
Chyna, frustrated, answered Jerry�s question. �King, against my better judgment, I�ll stay and listen to what Eddie has to say.� At Chyna�s reply, Eddie jumped up and down.
�Thank you Mamacita. You won�t regret it!� He looked at Chyna, but all he saw was a scowl. �Uh, where do I begin. Oh, duh�the beginning.� Eddie sat down. �Well, this whole mess came down after Backlash. You know, where we beat Lita and Essa Rios.�
�And where I ripped the prom dress right off you! HA!,� Lita interjected.
�How many times do I have to tell you to SHUT UP, LITA!� He looked at Chyna and sighed. �Where was I? Oh yes, after our match at Backlash. You had gone to talk to someone, I forget who, about something, leaving me alone in our locker room. I had just finished my shower, when the door opened. I figured it was you, so I shouted, �Let�s go have our prom night, Mamacita!�� I felt a hand caress my back and I turned around and saw Lita. I freaked! She was in your prom dress! I backed away, but she kept moving forward. And with each step, the dress kept slipping lower and lower. She didn�t bother trying to keep it on her body. She let it fall�leaving her in only her bra and panties.�
Furious, Chyna got up out of her chair again. �This is ridiculous, I don�t have to sit here and listen to the play-by-play of you and Lita!� She started to walk, but Eddie grabbed her.
�Chyna! Please, listen.� She sat back down. �I told her that I only wanted you, but she didn�t buy it. She kept coming closer, telling me that she wanted my �Latino Heat.� That I was so much more of a man than Essa. Granted, I was flattered, and I told her that. But, again, I told her that I only wanted you. I tried to get her to leave my dressing room, but she tripped me and then pounced on me. She was kissing me, telling me that I was the one for her! Each time I opened my mouth to tell her to get off me, she would kiss me.� He wiped his forehead and sighed. �This is the part I hate. Ugh. For one split second, I kissed her back.� Chyna got up again, about to slap Eddie. �It was involuntary! I didn�t mean it! You have to believe me! I realized what I was doing and pushed her off me. I told her to leave again. She grabbed the prom dress and left, laughing. The last thing she said was �this isn�t over.� Now I understand what she meant.� He glared at Lita as he finished his monologue.
Lita laughed, �Eddie, don�t act as if you didn�t like it!� This time, Chyna turned around, spat out a reply and slapped Lita.
�SHUT UP LITA!� She looked back at Eddie, confused, not knowing who to believe.
Jerry spoke up, asking Chyna the question she dreaded hearing. �Well Chyna, do you believe Eddie?�
�I don�t know, King. I want to�I really do. But, I can�t help but remember his past.� Sighing, she again cradled her head in her hands. �I just wish there was someone who could tell me the undeniable truth!� All of the sudden, the same Spanish trumpet music that announced Lita�s unexpected appearance ushered in another guest.
�Chyna�I think I can show you proof,� said the guest�s interpreter.
Jerry and the audience roared. �IT�S ESSA RIOS! OH MY GOD! IT�S ESSA RIOS!�
Part 4:
Essa Rios and his interpreter walked down the stage as stagehands added chairs next to Lita, Chyna, and Eddie. Lita glared at Essa as he sat down, smiling. �I saw what happened after Backlash. We had just had a huge fight and she ran off. I went after her, looking around the arena for her. Then I heard the commotion in Eddie�s locker room. I hid behind a towel cart and heard the whole thing. Lita came on to Eddie, not the other way around. I don�t know about him kissing her back, but she definitely started it�that tramp.
Lita, furious, jumped up and shouted, �Tramp? Tramp? Fuck you Essa. Maybe if you had been there for me, I wouldn�t have had to search for someone else.� Essa got up and started angrily spewing Spanish profanity at Lita. The interpreter refused to translate. Lita slapped Essa and broke down, crying. �I�m sorry, I�m so sorry. I should never have looked for you Eddie. I just�just couldn�t deal with Essa anymore.� Looking straight at Essa, she continued, �I couldn�t deal with how he was treating me. Insulting me, yelling at me, telling me I was worthless and that I should be kept in a cage. It got worse whenever he lost a match. He blamed me for everything, and I have the bruises to show for it. I had to get out. I had to get away from that fucking piece of shit!�
Essa�s interpreter whispered the translation in his ear. Within seconds, Essa had his chair over his head, threatening to beat it over Lita�s head. Before Eddie had a chance to get up to stop Essa, Matt Hardy flew out from backstage, jumped and drop kicked Essa to the ground. An enraged Matt mercilessly stomped on Essa�s chest, nearly breaking his ribs. Once the commotion subsided, Eddie and Chyna pulled Matt away from a beaten and bloody Essa Rios.
The King, awestruck over the whole scene, finally spoke up. �Matt Hardy? Why are you here? You weren�t scheduled to be on the show.�
Still breathing heavy, Matt answered, �I know�I know. Sorry. I actually drove Lita here.� The whole audience let out a gasp. �No, no. I didn�t know she was coming here to say what she said. She told me she was only coming to make up with Chyna about that whole prom fiasco. I should have known, by the way she was upset, that something bad was going to happen. I was waiting backstage and heard the whole thing. Then, when I saw Essa grab his chair, I couldn�t stay back any longer. Despite what you think of Lita, she doesn�t deserve what Essa�s done to her.� As Matt is speaking, the camera pans over to Lita, her head in her hands, still visibly shaken. Matt walks over to Lita, and puts his hand on her back. �Are you ok?�
�No,� Lita replied, sobbing uncontrollably. �I�m so sorry. I�m sorry for everything.� Looking up, she turned to Eddie and Chyna. �I�m sorry Chyna, I really am. I�I�I was just so jealous of you and Eddie. I saw the predicament I was in with Essa and then I looked at the two of you. I was jealous because I couldn�t have what you two have.� Matt put his hand on her arm, pulling her up to him.
�Lita. Why didn�t you say something? Hmm? You have no need to be jealous,� Matt said, smiling.
�What do you mean I don�t have a reason to be jealous? They have the perfect relationship. I had�that,� Lita responded, pointing to the lifeless Essa Rios. The audience then heard a sigh and Chyna rose from her chair, walking towards Lita.
�Lita, you really are dense sometimes, aren�t you? Or, are you just blind? Your figurative �knight in shining armor� is right in front of your face!�
�What? What are you talking about?!�
�This.� Matt Hardy spun Lita around and planted a giant kiss. The audience roared their approval, standing and cheering. The camera focused on Lita and Matt, the audience howling at Lita�s wide-eyed expression. After what seemed like an eternity, Matt broke the kiss. Waiting a minute, allowing Lita to breathe, Matt continued. �You see Lita. Me helping you and becoming your friend was not purely selfless. I saw from afar what Essa was doing to you and I couldn�t stand it. I wanted to be the one to take care of you...the right way. I wanted to be the one to treat you right�not like that asshole.�
Still wide-eyed, Lita stammered, �I�I�I didn�t know. I had no idea.�
�Of course not�you were too busy being jealous to see that you had what you wanted right in front of you.�
�Oh Matt.� Lita placed her hand on Matt�s chest. Then, she turned to Chyna and Eddie. �I�m sorry Eddie, Chyna. I hope some day you�ll forgive me for this whole thing.� Matt took her hand and led Lita off the stage and out the door.
Jerry, astonished at this new development, remarked, �Wow, I didn�t see that one coming.� The audience laughed. He then looked down at Essa. �Um, could we get someone to help him off the stage? He�s gonna be hurtin� when he wakes up.� Two stagehands rush to Essa, gingerly lifting him up and dragging him backstage. Turning back to Eddie and Chyna, Jerry continued. �Well, its almost time for the show to end. Any last words?�
Eddie got down on his knees in front of Chyna. �I just want to apologize one more time. I�m begging you Mamacita. Plllleeeeaassssse! Forgive me. You know you�re the only one for me, Mamacita. I can�t live without you, bay-bee!�
Jerry asked, �What do you say, Chyna? Do you forgive Eddie?� Before Chyna had a chance to respond, a small bark could be heard from the Cadillac on the stage. All of the sudden, a tiny puppy hopped out of the front seat onto the stage. The little pup ran to Chyna, yipping, pawing at her legs. Chyna smiled brightly, lifted the beige puppy up and placed it in her lap. The audience �awed� at the sight of the touching scene.
Eddie saw the dog and smiled. �See Mamacita, even little Hombre wants you to forgive me. Look at those puppy dog eyes! Hell, look at my puppy dog eyes!�
Chyna, feeling her heart melt, laughed. �You know I can�t resist that look, especially when there�s two of you. God help me, but, I forgive you Eddie.� The audience roared their approval.
Eddie leaped up off his knees and shouted �Oh thank you! Thank�� Chyna put her finger on his lips to quiet him.
�Nah-uh, Eddie. You didn�t let me finish. I�ll forgive you. But, if you ever do anything like that again, I won�t just give you a nut shot, I�ll rip them off.�
Eddie�s eyes got wide and his legs shut together. �No problema, Mamacita. I�ll never do anything like that again.� He then grabbed Chyna, spun her in his arms and kissed her. With the audience on their feet, cheering, Chyna and Eddie walked to the Cadillac, little Hombre following closely behind. �Let�s go, chiquita. Time for some Latino Heat!� They got in, started up and drove off the stage.
Jerry, still in shock from all that happened, walked onto the stage. �Well, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Communication is so very important in a relationship. What was thought to be solid may actually have cracks that could destroy even the strongest foundation. Also, communication allows people to see and understand what they need to. Without communication, life sometimes seems lived in a fog, where you can�t even see what�s right in front of you � until if finally smacks you in the face. Communicate with each other, people. Sometimes, it will change your life. That�s Kinger�s Final Thought, folks. Good night, and be good to everyone.�
The End
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