Jerry Kinger Show Episode 4: "For the Love of God...Don't Back That Ass Up!"
Part 1
Cheesy royal-type music begins as a middle-aged man walks out on to the stage and into the audience. A chant of �Jerry, Jerry, Jerry� fills the studio. He takes a couple of bows and hands his crown to a stagehand. �Thank you, thank you. As you know, I�m Jerry �The King� Lawler, and this is The Jerry Kinger show. If you all remember last time, we had the ladies of the Royal Rumble Swimsuit Competition on the show.� A huge cheer erupts as does a �Puppies� chant. �Well, today�s show is NOTHING like that show. First of all, there�s no Mae Young.� Another cheer erupts from the audience. �Hold on. But there�s bad news. There�ll be no puppies either.� The audience starts booing. �I know, I know�I don�t like it either. But, today�s show will show skin.� To himself, Jerry mutters, �Not the skin I�m looking forward to seeing.�
�Anyway. Let�s start off by showing you a still-frame picture.� A still-shot appears on the screen above the stage. Walking into the audience, Jerry continues. �Let me ask a few audience members if they can identify what this picture is.� He finds a young man sitting in the third row. �Sir, do you know what that object is?�
Thinking for a moment, the man guesses. �Hmm�something with that many dimples�oh, it must be a golf ball.�
Laughing, Jerry shakes his head. �Nope, I�m sorry that�s not it.� Walking to the middle audience section, he finds a twenty-something woman. �Ma�am, want to take a guess?�
�Well, I was going to guess golf ball, but, hmm�could it be something magnified, close up perhaps?�
�Yes, it is a close-up of something. But, do you know what?� Before the woman had the chance to answer, the picture on the screen changed and as the audience cheered, the Y2J clock counted down. As the fireworks occur and the music starts, Chris Jericho appears onstage�with a microphone.
�WELCOME TO�KINGER IS JERICHO!� The audience cheers as Jericho smiles, waiting to continue. �You know Jerry, ever since I started wrestling, I�ve fought men of all ethnic groups, heights, weights, and yes, even genders. But, I must tell you�I�m disturbed, deeply disturbed at what I have been forced to watch week after week. No, it�s more than that. I�m deeply disturbed at what all my Jericho-holics are forced to watch week after week.�
Jerry, trying not to laugh, replies, �Please Chris, continue. I�m sure everyone wants to know why you�re disturbed.�
�I�ll tell you King, by answering the mystery picture.� Looking up at the screen, Chris shivers. �Those dimples are not of a golf ball, nor of something magnified by a microscope. It is however, a close-up. It is a close-up of the one thing that makes me lose my lunch everyday. I for one am tired seeing this abomination time and time a-gain!�
�Y2J, tell us. What is it?�
�Jerry, It�s Rikishi�s ASS!�
Part 2
Jerry looks up at the screen and his jaw drops. He could see it now�Rikishi�s ass, dimples and all. The though of it made the King nauseated. �Jericho! You are so right!�
�I know I�m right King. You see, all the Jericho-holics in attendance at both Raw and Smackdown are forced to watch that big fat ass waddle down the aisle over and over and over. I get tons of letter saying �Chris, please put us out of our misery. Why can�t we see more of you on Smackdown. Why are we forced to put up with the Buttcheek Bonanza!��
�HA! Buttcheek Bonanza!� Jerry turned to the audience and asked, �well, what do you think of what Jericho is saying. Are you sick of seeing Rikishi�s repulsive rear?� Surprising both the King and Jericho, half the audience started doing the �Too Cool� clap. However, the other half started the �Go Jericho Go� chant.
�What? How can you clap for that jerky? How can you clap for someone who shakes more than a Jello mold at Thanksgiving? Why would you clap for someone who needs a bed sheet to wipe his ass! Why would you �.�
Just then, Too Cool�s music started and, sure enough, Rikishi rushed to the stage with the dancing duo trailing behind him. �Man, you sure like to talk about my ass, Jericho. Sounds to me like you�re jealous.�
With a look of disgust, Jericho laughed, �Jealous? Me? The Ayatolla of Rock and Rolla? Why would I be jealous of a man who takes up three airplane seats? My god, you need one for each cheek and one for your crack! Don�t you eh�eh�ever think that I�m jealous of you Ra-cheek-y!�
Looking over at Grandmaster Sexxay, Rikishi motions for his glasses. The big man puts the glasses on and looks over at Jericho, smiling. �You know Jericho, I think you misunderstand the benefits of having a plentiful posterior. In fact, I want to help you.� Riskishi starts to move closer to Jericho. Too Cool follows behind.
�Help me? I don�t need help.� Jericho eyed the three men suspiciously. Just what were they planning?
�Oh but you do, Jericho. You do. And we�re just the men to do it. You see, Chris, it�s the new millennium�you�re supposed to have tolerance. You�re supposed to tolerate people better�er, I mean different than you, man. And, to help you, I have the perfect thing you should learn to tolerate�because its bound to happen over and over again. Let�s go guys.�
Too Cool and Rikishi rush Jericho on the stage. Scotty Too Hotty and Grandmaster Sexxay grad Jericho by his arms and throw him down to the floor of the stage. Rikishi pops his head behind the curtain and says something to the stagehand.
�What�s going on here? Wait! What are you doing to Jericho! AAAA!,� Jerry shouted. �I don�t know what�s happening, audience. I don�t remember this being part of the show.�
�Hey! Don�t touch the Ayatolla! Get off me, jerkies! I don�t know where your hands have been! For all I know they could�ve been massaging Rikishi�s dimples. And I ain�t talking about the ones on his face!� With that, Too Cool held him down more and Rikishi got ready for his surprise.
�Jericho�you�re going to learn tolerance�NOW!� All of the sudden, �The Stripper� blared over the studio speakers. The audience and Jerry gasped as Rikishi began to dance. However, he didn�t just dance. Jericho�s eyes grew large and threatened to burst out of their sockets as he realized what Rikishi was doing. As Jericho squirmed, trying to get away�Rikishi moved toward him.
�No! No! No! Don�t take it off! No,� Jericho screamed. Right in front of his face, Rikishi removed the sarong-like clothing that hid his ample ass. �OH MY GOD! My eyes!� In vain, Jericho tried to move and get away�sensing his impending doom. But, the harder he tried to get away, the harder Too Cool pinned him down.
�AAA!!! Look at that ass! Jericho, get away! Do something. Save yourself.�
�Jerry�he has to learn his lesson. It�s the only way.� The strip music ended and Too Cool�s theme came on. Rikishi began to dance. At first, he turned around and slowly danced backward, making sure to emphasize it with his trademark ass slaps. As Jericho struggled to get free, Rikishi continued to get closer. �Jericho. Someday you�ll thank me for this�
�No! No! Noooooooo,� Jericho uttered before his cries were muffled. The crowd gasped, shocked at the sight. The room was silent except for Jericho�s faint cries. Jerry fainted as he looked at Jericho, his face covered � completely hidden by Rikishi�s behemoth backside.
The producer cuts to a commercial. �I need smelling salts for Jerry. Uh, and by the looks of it�Jericho.�
Part 3
About five minutes passed from the time the producer cut to a commercial to when the show started again. The smelling salts got Jerry on his feet again, but, as for Jericho�well, he�s backstage trying to recuperate. Jerry looked at Rikishi, who remained on stage and thought to himself, �Why is he still on stage? Oh shit�that�s right! He has a beef with another wrestler.� Jerry looked up towards the ceiling and asked �Lord, please protect me from the sight of Rikishi�s ass. I have a job to do, and I can�t do it and vomit uncontrollably at the same time. Thanks.�
The producer came over the PA system and announced, �We�re back on in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, go!�
�Welcome back to the Jerry Kinger show. Now that we�ve all calmed down, Rikishi Phatu has once again graced us with his presence. Mr. Phatu, it has come to our attention that you too have a beef with a fellow wrestler. Care to explain?�
�Damn right, King. There is a huge guy in the WWF, yes, bigger than me. That�s not the problem. The problem is, he has no style, no rhythm, and moves slower than frozen snail snot. Besides, there�s only one big man in the World Wrestling Federation who should be wearing a skirt�and that�s me!�
�Obviously, Rikishi, you�re not talking about Viscera. So, who are you talking about,� The King asked, fully aware of the answer.
�Jerry, I�m talking about that punk-ass Big Show. Or, Big Slow, as I like to call him.� Turning to face the stage. �Yo Show�get yo� no rhythm, tired ass out here!�
Jerry, shouted, �Wait! Rikishi! Big Show has requested that you tell the audience something before he comes out onto the stage. �He requests that you call him��
�DEAD SEXY!� All of the sudden, Big Show, appears out from the door behind the audience section. To the surprise of the audience, Show was flanked by six scantily-clad women playing bagpipes. Dressed in a kilt, and nothing else, Show worked his way down through the audience. �Everybody knows, that the Big Show is DEAD SEXY!�
Jerry, upon hearing Big Show�s words, rolled his eyes and laughed. He muttered to himself, �Oh god, not the accent. He sounds like an Scottsman shot up with a gallon of Novocain.�
Finally reaching the stage, Big Show glanced over to Rikishi, then turned to the audience and started singing. �If ya want my body, and ya think I�m sexy�dead sexy�come on baby let me know!� Walking up and down the stage, he continued, �I�m too sexy for a shirt, too sexy for a shirt, so dead sexy it hurts.� Stopping, Show looked at the audience. �I have one thing to say to Rikishi before we get started. Phatu, this is how a lethal weapon ass is supposed to look like.� With that, Show placed his hands on his kilt and MOONED Rikishi! Show laughed and started singing again. �Blue Moo-oon, you saw me standing alone.�
Jerry freaked! �Oh my god! Big Show�s not wearing underwear! Noooooo!� The King watched as a furious Rikishi jumped out of his chair and started to attack Big Show. A couple of superkicks later, Big Show was starting to lose his balance. �NOOOO!!!!! Rikishi don�t knock him down! Please, for the love of God, NO!�
�What�s the problem, Jerry. He deserves to get knocked on his no-underwear wearing ass!�
�That�s exactly the problem! He�s not wearing underwear! You knock him down and�NOOO!� Just as Jerry was explaining, Rikishi clotheslined Big Show, finally knocking him down on the floor.
Screams erupted from the audience as they realized what happened, and what they were now looking at. When Big Show fell down, his kilt flew up�and stayed up! The audience was getting a look at Big Show, Jr. After a few seconds of horror, a few giggles could be heard coming from the audience. A few seconds later, those giggles turned into all-out laughter, from the whole audience! Realizing what the audience was laughing at, Jerry started laughing.
�Oh my God! Uh, I�m glad Rikishi knocked out Big Show, because it would be really humiliating if he heard us laughing. Well, it looks as if the Big Show is really more of a Little Show�I mean really Little Show.� Turning towards the audience, Jerry continued. �This is a great time for Kinger�s Final Thought. Folks, its always good to talk to the people you are upset with and air out your problems. But, beware of your own shortcomings. Remember, chances are, people with the �biggest� egos will be exposed to show how �little� they really are. Be good to each other. Goodnight.�
The End.
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