Jerry Kinger Show Episode 3: "Tumble, Stumble...It's Miss Rumble!"
Part 1
Cheesy royal-type music begins as a middle-aged man walks out on to the stage and into the audience. A chant of �Jerry, Jerry, Jerry� fills the studio. He takes a couple of bows and hands his crown to a stagehand. Looking a little more enthusiastic than he usually does during tapings, he turns around to face the audience with a face-wide grin. �Welcome to the Jerry Kinger show! As you already know�I am your royal host, Jerry �the King� Lawler.� Jerry walks over to an audience member in the front row and asks him a question. �Hey son, do you know why I�m smiling?�
�Uh no, Mr. Lawler. Why�re ya smiling?� The twenty-something �kid� sat their gawking at �the King� waiting for an answer.
�Well, kid. It concerns my favorite animals. No, my favorite animals are not birds and they�re not cats�they�re not even horses. My favorite animals are loyal, trustworthy, and in fact, many people refer to them as man�s best friend. I know I do! If you still can�t guess what my favorite animals are�maybe the title of today�s show will help you understand. Today�s show is titled �Tumble, Stumble�It�s Miss Rumble!� I am so excited! We have the puppies�er�I mean, ladies, of the Royal Rumble Swimsuit Contest! An hour full of my favorite animals�PUPPIES!!!!�
The audience roars at the mere mention of �puppies.� A spontaneous chant of �PUPPIES, PUPPIES� fills the studio. In fact, as the camera pans across the stage, it captures Jerry smiling and chanting �PUPPIES� along with the audience. �Ok, ok�I won�t make you wait any longer.� Turning to face the stage and the stage entrance, Jerry continues. �Without further adieu, let me introduce you to the wonderful, gorgeous ladies of THE ROYAL RUMBLE SWIMSUIT CONTEST! HA!�
Jerry�s music starts and the curtain at the stage entrance opens. The audience rises to its feet, still chanting �PUPPIES� as six of the WWF women walk onto the stage. BB enters first�wearing a skimpy suit with EMT emblems front and center on the top. Next comes Luna still wearing the robe she refused to take off during the Rumble. The third �lady� was Jackie wearing a red two-piece. Jackie shook her ass and danced across the stage almost literally popping out of the obviously too small bathing suit top. After Jackie came Ivory and, much to the disappointment of the male audience members, walked out in jeans and a turtle neck�just like she did on RAW. Next to last was Terri Runnels. Chants of �Terri, Terri� filled the studio while she danced and wiggled her middle-aged ass across the stage over to the chairs. Finally, Jerry took it upon himself to introduce the sixth female. �Ladies and gentlemen�I am proud to introduce the World Wrestling Federation Women�s Champion�THE KAT!� As with Terri, the audience again started chanting�this time �Kitty, Kitty!� The Kat walked onto the stage and much to everyone�s surprise, there was no Chyna and Kat had dyed her hair back to her previous blond color. The audience went wild, as did Jerry. �Oh, oh! Kat�s blond! Oh, oh!�
As the women sat down in their chairs and the audience calmed down, Jerry returned to a more composed state. �Welcome ladies�thanks for taking the time to speak to me today.� Ivory was the first to open her mouth.
�Jerry, I just want everybody in this audience to know that I think YOU ARE ALL PERVERTS!!! YOU TOO JERRY!�
Terri, who was sitting next to Ivory, punched her in the arm and said, �SHUT up, Ivory. No one�especially the wonderful people in the audience wants to hear you bitch and complain. If you don�t want to do this than either shut up or leave.� Never having been put in her place before, Ivory started to protest but then closed her mouth and leaned back into her chair.
�Thank you Terri,� said the King. �Now, ladies, please tell me�� All of the sudden, the studio manager�s voice over the studio speaker interrupted Jerry�s sentence.
�Uh, King. It seems as if one person is missing from the Rumble Contest panel. I�m sending her out now.�
Taken aback, Jerry blindly nodded his head and said, �Oh they must�ve forgot to tell Tori the show was starting.� About five seconds later music filled the studio. �What the�this isn�t my music�pianos? Why the hell is honky-tonk, old-timey piano music playing? That�s not Tori�s music�that�s�that�s�OH GOD NO! NOT HER!�
Part 2
Slowly making her way onto the stage, to almost everyone�s surprise, Mae Young waved her arms frantically, blowing kisses to the stunned audience. �HELLO EVERYBODY!!!,� Mae shrieked in her own slurred way. A minute later, she finally reached the rest of the Miss Rumble contestants. �Make way for the beauty queen! Move�that�s right�move over�make way,� Mae said, trying to push past the six other women.
Jerry, with his jaw dropped to the floor, rolled his eyes and shook his head. �Ladies and gentlemen�the only living woman from biblical times�and, the winner of the Royal Rumble Swimsuit Contest, Mae Old�er, Mae Young!� Mae stood up again, waved and turned around a couple of times, as if she were showing off her body. �Ha! Sit down Mae�we wouldn�t want you to get dizzy ya know�with you probably being drunk and all.�
Taking offense to Jerry�s last remark, Mae spat �Jheerry. Ahm not droonk. Ah feel fine.� Mae stands up thrust her arms out from her side and yells, �Ahm queen of the wurld, Jerry. Ahm queen of the wurlddddd.� Mae tries to jump up but then almost falls over. Quickly, Luna and Jackie prop her up enough so she can sit down.
Jerry, more sarcastic than concerned, joked, �Calm down Mae. Sure you�re not drunk�but don�t jump again. We don�t want you to break a hip.� Walking a little closer to the stage, he notices the beige dress Mae was wearing wasn�t a dress�it was a trench coat. Sensing an opportunity for a joke, Jerry continued. �Well Mae, it looks like you�ve come to your senses and wore something a little more appropriate. At least you�ve buried your Shar-peis with a coat this time. Do you know how many people ended up using their popcorn buckets as barf bags last Sunday at the Royal Rumble because of what you did?� The audience started laughing as Mae stood up again.
�Jheery. Ah was proud of whot I deed lasht Shunday. In fact, Ah wanted to geev everyone a beeg shurprise today.� She started to walk further frontstage as Jerry talked to the audience.
�Uh, I think we were all shocked enough on Sunday, Mae. No need for another one. I see some audience members with pacemakers, they don�t need to be shocked.�
�Shut up, Jheery,� Mae spat. She stopped at the front center of the stage, reached in the front pocket of her coat and pulled out her flask. �Ahhh�just what ah needed.� Mae laughed heartily and took not a swig, but a chug of the Jack Daniels from her flask. �Ahhh. I think its time your audience learned why I was crowned Miss Royal Rumble.�
�Mae, what are you talking about. Mae? You�re not going to do what�no�no�NO! OH GOD�NO!� �The stripper� started playing on the studio speakers. The next thing the audience notices is Mae unbuckling the belt of her coat, pushing it off her shoulders, and letting it fall onto the stage floor. A collective gasp was heard by everyone�Jerry, the audience, the other six Miss Rumble contestants, the stagehands in the back, the cameramen, and if you listened really closely�you could even hear the gasps of the viewers watching at home.
Mae Young twirled � well kind of � revealing a gold sequined hi-cut TWO-PIECE THONG BIKINI!!!! Jerry, feeling a rise in his stomach, asked, �does anyone have one of those popcorn buckets? I think I�m going to throw up.�
Part 3
Before anyone could throw the trench coat over Mae to cover her up, she raised her arms and started walking, a la Miss America, around the stage. Jerry, sensing his audience�s nausea, jumped onto the stage, grabbed the coat, and began chasing Mae around trying to cover her up. Every time Jerry threw the coat over her, Mae batted it away, refusing to stop. To everyone�s horror, as Mae walked, she began singing. Instead of singing �Here she is, Miss America,� she began wailing (off-key, of course) �Here she is, Miss Rumble.� Mae stopped for a minute and took a drink. Letting out a huge belch, she continued, �My winning Miss Rumble proves that there is life after 30!�
Laughing, Jerry muttered into the microphone. �And life after 40�50�60�70. Mae, please put this on and sit down.� He tried handing Mae the coat again, but she refused.
�I�m not ashamed of my body, Jerry. I mean, I got a man. Mark loves it! As the Road Dogg says, �we like to kick this shiznit Dogg-e-style!� All of the sudden, dry heaves could be heard in the audience. Jerry turned around and looked at the audience, noticing a 20-something man doubled over, clutching his stomach.
�Sir�sir. Are you ok? Do you need a doctor? Do you want to go backstage?�
The man looked up at Jerry and shook his head. �No. I don�t need a doctor. I�I think I�ll be ok, eventually.� The man remembered being told to put his head between his knees, and he proceeded to do so. Jerry, still concerned, probed further.
�Have you been sick, sir? Is there something we could do to make you feel better?� Jerry motioned for two stagehands to come out to help the man.
�Uh, no�I haven�t been sick. It just happened a minute ago. Hearing her say she likes it �dogg-e-style� made me want to throw up. I�m sorry�but I can�t take it. I haven�t eaten, but that�s not stopping the dry heaves from coming.� Looking up at Jerry, the man continued, with pleading eyes. �Please, Mr. Lawler. Please make her put the coat back on. I plead with you�make her put it on.� The man in the audience then proceeded to turn and look at Mae. �FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL HUMANITY!!!! PUT YOUR COAT BACK ON!!!!� With that, the man lost all strength and fainted.
Feeling bad, Mae �ran� off the stage and down to where the fallen man sat slumped in his chair. �Oh! I�m sorry!� Somehow, Mae remembered a few CPR skills she learned in the 1940s and figured now was a good time for a refresher course. �Hold on! Mae�ll wake you up!� Mae promptly began mouth to mouth on the unconscious man, immediately making most of the audience gag. However, a small section of the audience, seated on the left of the studio, jumped up and began cheering and hollering �go Mae go�go Mae go.�
Jerry, absolutely dumbfounded by the scene unfolding in front of him, snapped his head around and found that cheering section. �What the hell?! OH MY GOD! IT�S THE MAE YOUNG FAN CLUB!� Taking a closer look, he noticed that all of the men were in their 70s and 80s. �HA HA! I should have guessed. Let me see, I bet you have all followed Mae since the beginning, right? You�ve followed her since she killed her first dinosaur, huh?� The rest of the audience laughed, taking their eyes off of Mae continuing to �help� the fallen audience member.
Getting pissed off, one of the fan club members rose off his chair and proceeded to smack Jerry with his cane! �How dare you make jokes about my Mae! She is the finest beauty queen to walk this green Earth! After 70 years, she still gets the fire going in this old bod. I start to rise when I look in her eyes, Jerry.�
With those last words sinking in to his gutter-mind, Jerry, without saying a word, ran to the backstage holding his hand over his mouth. Racing to the bathroom, Jerry promptly deposited the contents of his breakfast and prayed to the porcelain god. �Oh god�I�ll never be able to get that image out of my mind. I�ll never have sex again. Stacy�s gonna kill me!� Hearing the audience laugh, Jerry became confused. �What�s happening out there?� Two seconds later, he heard those exact words over the intercom system that simulcasts the tapings in the dressing rooms. Looking down, he realizes that he had forgotten to take his microphone off when he ran backstage. �Oh shit!,� he thought to himself. �They heard everything. Oh god�Stacy really IS going to kill me now. Fuck!� Getting up, Jerry shelved his pride and went back out to finish the show.
Part 4
�I�m sorry folks. I didn�t intend for you to hear me back there. Its just, the thought of someone getting excited about Mae floored me. I think my mind is scarred for life.� While Jerry was back stage, Mae had been pried off of the fainted audience member and was revived by stagehands using smelling salts. Finally, Mae was coaxed into sitting down with the rest of the audience panel. Turning to look at Mae, Jerry asked, �Mae, do you know these audience members?�
Twisting off the cap of her whisky flask, Mae replied, �Yes Jerry. These are members of my fan club. They have been following me since day one.� She then proceeds to take a long drink from her flask.
Jerry couldn�t pass up the opportunity to respond to Mae�s answer. �So, Mae�that means that you and your fan club have been wandering around for a long time. How did you all meet up? I mean, its really hard to get in touch with people without phones�hell, without electricity even.� The audience laughed. Not hearing a response from the older woman, Jerry continued. �How�d you all meet? Cars weren�t invented yet�hell, did you go by steam train? Ooh�maybe the Mayflower? THAT�S IT! Your name is Mae because you came in on THE MAYFLOWER! Mystery solved.�
Mae�s increasing frustration reached a boiling point. Giving the death stare to Jerry, she slowly rose up out of her chair and walked up to Jerry. Thinking she was about to kiss him, Jerry immediately covered his mouth with his hands. But, the joke was on Jerry. Instead of kissing him, Mae grabbed his shoulders, leaned him forward, lifted her knee up and proceeded to ram it into Jerry�s groin. Then, calm as could be, removed her knee that was embedded in his kidney, clasped her hands in front of her and then simply walked back to her chair on the stage.
The other women, sensing the opportunity to get back at Jerry for his lewd puppy remarks, pounced on the injured King�all except The Kat. Stacy Carter just sat there, watching the melee around her and smiled. �Oh King. I think you fulfilled your own prophecy. It looks like you won�t be having sex tonight. And, from the looks of it�you won�t be having it for quite a while.� The Kat got up out of her chair, twirled around a couple of times (to the cheers of the audience) and walked off the stage into the back.
About 10 minutes passed before the other Rumble contestants ceased their merciless torture of the King. BB, Terri, Ivory, Luna, and Jackie all waved to the fans and walked backstage, leaving Mae as the sole person on the stage. Again, she walked down to where Jerry was writhing in pain. �Hey King�use this for your final thought.� Confused, Jerry looked up just as Mae whipped off her trench coat, revealing the thong. However, she didn�t stop there. Just as she did when she won the Royal Rumble, Mae displayed herself for all to see. Mae�revealed her puppies.
As the audience screamed, King tried to cover his eyes, but Mae wouldn�t let him. With one last swig from her almost empty flask, Mae walked back up the stage, turned around and waved. After flashing her chest one more time, Mae disappeared backstage. Now, Jerry was alone with his audience. Barely able to get up, Jerry looked at his audience and said, �Uh, I guess that was my final thought, folks. Be good to each other and�perhaps, wear a cup. Good night.�
To get backstage, Jerry had to be assisted by two stagehands. He couldn�t walk. The force of Mae�s knee numbed him. Who knew the old bag could kick that hard? But, now the pain was settling in. Being placed on his couch in his dressing room, he simply shouted, �SOMEONE GET ME AN ICEPACK! I�M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.� With that, he sat and waited�all the while visions of impotence danced in his head.
The End
Back to Fan Fiction
Back to Home