updated 4/20/06

and be sure to tell me YOUR favorite rule.
 


The Rules:  (totally binding- all exceptions noted.)

1. Only date exceptional women. (Not just beautiful, but incredible in every way- otherwise you'll never believe they're worth the effort they will eventually be.)
    a. Addendum: Never date a woman who won't dance.
    b. Addendum: If she says she dances, but then you find she does not dance well, don't date her again.
    c. Goddesses of the Hunt Preferable.
2. SUBMIT TOTALLY- and intelligently (it's the only path to domestic tranquility.)  Understand that this entails knowing what she wants even though it is not the want that she is expressing.  She may say "Don't walk out that door."  But what she means is "Walk out that door and show me you have some backbone."  The trick is know how long to sit out there until you come back in and apologize.
3. Always leave while you're still having fun- that way you will want to go back. The Club rule.
    a. Exception: relationships: keep it alive as long as possible-resuscitate it if it dies- then beat it like a dead horse until you think you might puke from exhaustion, otherwise you will always want to go back.  The Allison Rule.
4. If you can't have sex, eat some chocolate.
5. Cooks who have to measure things don't know what they're doing.
6. If a blonde mates with a blonde, the children will be either blondes or redheads.  If a blonde mates with a redhead the same is true.  With anyone else, there is a %50 or less chance for blonde hair. It's science.  Check it.
7. ALWAYS listen to your gut.  The Judi rule.
8. B7 is a bitch.
9. If she demands more, give her %110- if she demands less, find someone who demands %110.
10. The American Diamond Council says that an engagement ring should cost two months salary, which is fine as long as I can pick which two months.
11. Jesus was right: always turn the other cheek. It's an easy way to hack off your enemies.
12. Always keep in mind that all bets are off and all bindings void upon sighting of THE ONE.
13. Anything worth saying is worth repeating.
14. There is a tremendous amount of integrity in being in love.
15. Always study with the most attractive member of the opposite sex in the class, that way you'll want to study more.  The Nicole Rule #1
16. Nerds party hard -they're smart; they don't have to spend as much time studying. The Landis rule.
17. Intercourse is biology and physics- foreplay is art and imagination.
18. Biting one's tongue is perhaps the stupidest thing a person can do.
    a. [everyone bites his/her tongue sometimes]
    b. [it's never not funny]
    c. [the same is true of funnybones...]
19. Always send Thank you notes.  No one else does, and it's yet another easy way to make the other guy look like a schmuck.
a. ALL OR NOTHING.  The Chantale rule #1(with her, preferably all.)Of course, sometimes you don't know which is best and you alled when you should have nothinged.
20. TRY! Failure is easier to deal with than cowardice.  The Nicole Rule #2
21. A good instructor must be a least a bit of an exhibitionist.
22. You can never explain the concept of THE ONE to someone who has never felt the presence of THE ONE.
23. The French are taught to be annoying- God help us if it's genetic.
24. Marriage dooms imperfect but workable love affairs.
25. The relationship between client and whore is perhaps the least expensive of any inter-sexual relationship.
26. Some people act by talking, others communicate by acting- figure out which is which and who is who and then you can relate. The Chantale rule #2
27. The worst sex I ever had was still fun.
    a. (Possible untruth- Currently testing what heretofore will be known as the KERRY ADDENDUM)
28. Jealousy is a sign of devotion.  Sometimes devotion, though, is bad for everyone involved- (but it's still flattering.)   The Lisa Correlative
29. The best sex in the world is not worth causing someone whose is in your safekeeping pain, and no person so impassioned that he/she has an excuse for forgetting commitments, protection or the location of his/her wallet.
30. Always enter situations as armed as possible.
31. When given a choice of tasks, choose the impossible.  If you fail no one expected you to succeed, and you will be seen as too ambitious.  If you succeed, you're a hero.
32. One of the most frustrating realizations is the one which occurs when you find people giving you the same bored look when you talk about your relationships as you give them when they talk about theirs.
33. One of the saddest realizations possible is when one realizes how little the word love means when one hears "I love you" from someone who means it and says "I love you too" without  meaning it.  The Erin Rule
34. Sometimes one is going to get played for the fool- instead of moping about it, just remember that getting played or not it's all game time...
35. Women dream of the man they could have had; Men dream of the woman they couldn't.
36. One can find truth anywhere... find it, then steal it.
37. Don't annoy the Natives.
38. The perfect woman must be:
    a. Constant enough that I can go away for a week, a month, or a day, return and find her in the same level of emotional commitment as when I left
    b. Able to dance well enough that I can turn my back on her for 16 beats, return and find her exactly where we were rhythmically.
    c. Exciting enough that I can talk to her for hours every day, return and find myself continually surprised.
d. WON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME OR SLEEP WITH OTHER PEOPLE...sorry...an Amanda addendum.
39. A good memory is the key to being a successful player- whether one is playing the field or concentrating on one person.
40. There is nothing more noticeable than the kind act perpetrated by the ruthless person.-Heroes are merely those who are ruthless in favor of causes we support.-
41. I can always tell when I'm in love- like a native returned to his home I start thinking in poetry again.
42. Poetry and Pain are linked hand in hand.  I never write poetry when I'm happy-I have too many other things to do within the realm of happy things- it takes pain, insecurity, doubt, a troubled mind, and that curious unexplainable gnawing in my chest cavity to slow down enough to write.  See the above rule.
43. Some women scare me; those that don't also don't interest me for more time than it takes me to get over my fear.
44. I don't know that I've ever had "RUTH".
45. It may be a sort of proof against orthodox religion that evil individuals can prosper so readily in the modern  world.  Then again, sometimes I have bad days.
46. Going to church to pray is something akin to going to an oxygen tank every time you need to breath.
47. Apparently, the best way to get a woman interested in you is to have a woman interested in you.  Feast or famine.
48. Specialization is for insects, but, being "well rounded" in a society with so many avenues of culture is impossible, unless of course you're a soccer ball.  Rebuttal to Lazarus Long
49. The best sex is between two (or more I guess) people who love each other so completely as to be unable to offend each other with their personal desires, no matter how extreme, or between people who care so little that they don't give a damn who they offend.
50. Teaching is often merely using new words for concepts the student already knows- in some ways this is more difficult than teaching something completely new.
51. Lying is an act of cowardice- it stems from an inability to deal with confrontation, or from an inability to act in a way that will mitigate the need for confrontation.
52. Restructuring the truth is more effective than changing it.
53. Quest.
54. Upon reflecting on an accusation of sexism, I have realized that I do have a bad attitude towards women- and it is a bad attitude born out of a sense of total equality- they have a total right to participate in the bad attitude I have towards everyone else regardless of gender, race, creed or color.
55. Avoid dating Freshman.  By the time the end of the year rolls around, she is a different person from the one you started dating. The Judi Thesis-The Lisa Proof
56. Breaking up is hard to do.  Perhaps the worst part it that you often lose the person to whom you would go to discuss your misery in the first place.  Per Allison and Lisa
57. I'm freakin' hilarious when I'm miserable.
58. No one can truly understand the concept of HiNKY until one actually feels HiNKY.  It's kind of like THE ONE only a lot...HiNKIER...?
59. French Literary Criticism:  useless esoteric gibberish?  I think NOT.  My conversations with my best friend are perfect examples of restrictive discourses that marginalize the outsider and Other the uninitiated.  Breaking up with my girlfriend is a perfect Foucauldian power transition.  I had the power; now she does- try to trace the path.  I dare you. I double-dog-dare you.  Postmodernity?  Seen it.  Done it. Living it.  My forward progress approached self-destruction, so the eliminative postmodern  epiphany took over and restructured my existence utilizing those functions of the past that were not decentering.
60. Writing or living.  Which does one choose to do?
    a. To live without writing is denying the creative fire, the possibility of immortality, the veracity of ones inner voice.  It is the muting of Death's Radio.
    b. To write without living is denying the truth within ones writing, the solidity of ones characters, the thousand little things in fiction that are so unbelievable they had to actually happen. There is a median where page and life meet.  The writer draws blood and writes in it, but upon hitting the page the metamorphosis occurs, and all that the writer is is mixed with equal amounts of everything the writer wishes he were, or can't stand about himself. The page becomes a test-world where his ideal is forged by life experience that has never actually been experienced, but is no less true, and the writer can glean insight into his own ideal and depravity.  The writer has infinite friends and enemies, and the power of a creative god.  But he must come from walking to and fro among his creations...      To E.H.
61. During a break-up the emotions are churning so fast it is only natural that every song you hear is going to relate to your own internal confusion.  The sad songs touch your misery, the good ones your memories.
62. The only thing that will heal an emotional wound, specifically those based on Love, is memory.  Distance and time don't work.  You will only pine across the miles, and fill your years with revisions of memories of a past that will only bring pain.  You have to put good memories between you and the bad experience as buffer, a border.
63. AND... just because you know it's going to be better in the near future doesn't mean it sucks any less now.
64. Faith is secondary to Understanding.
65. Epiphanies hurt.  (Thus ignorance IS bliss...)
66. Being miserable is a sure sign you are human  (and sometimes you can't be too sure.)
67. Dancing will solve any problem you really want solved.
68. Listen to your friends: chances are they are even less informed and rational than you are, but it will make them feel better to think they helped...
69. Think carefully now, are you not throttling that useless waste of a human being because of morality or legality?  Do you really think it's wrong, or are you just afraid of getting caught? (listen carefully Pat...)
70. The "COOLEST" people I know wouldn't have known what the hell I was talking about if I had told them they were cool.   The Chris Conundrum.
71. The human body is a fragile thing- the mind is not.  It is easier to kill someone than it is to hurt him enough so that he is incapable of harming you.
72. We broke up: cause and effect took over.  I changed, so, instead of trying to force her into union with the new me, I should let her go and find someone who matches the new me.-- In a few years, she will be a new person too, and then we can meet again... (Judi rule-Lisa proof)
73. Make no apology for infidelity-if she were the right one, you would want no other apologize for settling for second in the first place. Don't lie about it either...
74. Some people are genuinely lucky.  Don't even try to compete or gamble with them.  You will win when you are at your worst and lose when you are best and all your efforts will leave you frustrated and poor.  Don't fuck with lucky people.
75. I hope I die before I ever stop believing in the unbelievable.
76. Hesitation is the fastest way to failure.
77. There are very few honestly "nice" people in the world who do "nice" things for "nice" reasons.  Usually a secondary motivation plays in there somehow- Those few "nice" people who do honestly "nice" reasons scare me. They are powerful and dangerous. for JJ
78. Avoid violence.  Hit hard, fast and low and make sure they don't get up so that you don't have to hit them  again. My pacifism rule.
79. What harm is there in believing in Magic?  Do those who are trapped in reality really understand everything that happens to them?  Mages have simply devised a codifiable system to explain the impossible.
80. Waiting can be annoying- but people who can't do it with dignity are even more so.  Once you realize that stillness is a joy, then patience becomes a side-effect.
81. One of my best moments was when I warmed myself with a memory of an event that had yet to occur.
82. At no point should one believe that these or any other rules necessarily apply to me.
83. If, at any point, everyone I meet likes me, I am doing something fundamentally wrong.
84. Don't get too attached to your toys. Physical objects may act as the key to memory, but they are not the  memories themselves. Lisa's "the dog-ate-your-ring" Rule
85. Sometimes you do find what you're looking for.
86. Sometimes surprising things come in surprising packages.
87. Sometimes she does not care that she is exactly what you need/want.
88. Mice are only fun when they run.
89. It isn't arrogance if you can back up what you claim.
90. Only Poets are allowed to use the word LOVE indiscriminately.
91. Man is designed to move- engineered to alter the universe- but destined to love, fail and love again--Aimee's Rule.
92. Write for the intelligent, not the serious.  The one (and only) important thing I learned from Stan. Addendum: the other important thing I learned from Stan is to grade fairly.  The most insulting grade I ever received was a grade higher than I deserved according to the critique he gave me.  Either he was too difficult on the paper or too lax on the grade; both stink.
93. One of the (many) problems with being preternaturally witty and clever is that ones witty tongue often outruns ones sense of decorum and better taste.  The Aimee Rule.
94. Art is art, but women are beauty.
95. One can be a great lover, an inspirational teacher, an excellent friend, a stunning conversationalist, a legendary warrior, a devout believer and a hopeless romantic and still need a lot of help being a decent person.
96. Damn the torpedoes.
97. That which does not kill only makes me stranger.
98. That which does not kill me only makes me a stranger.
99. At some point some idiot linked/confused sleeping with someone with having sex-one is a physical need, the other an intimate encounter...which is which, again?
100. Love once; defend always.
101. I surprised myself with the tenacity of Love by reading Nietzche and daydreaming of her.
102. Carpe Jugulum.
103. Too often honesty is often mistaken for arrogance when used by the capable.  A person's capabilities are a set of statistics- a list of debits and credits- and almost binary on/off list of "this can" and "this can't" be done- there is no modesty or pride in the assessment of the facts, only math.-of course, it can be a debit on this list to be ignorant of when it is best to keep ones mouth shut about ones list of credits...
104. Perhaps it is an inadvertent proof of God that after I lost her I see her constantly- I KNOW I screwed up-more so every time I see her, and He helps pound my mistake home by  showing it to me all too often.
105. Research on artistic subjects is for wimps- it shows a lack in faith in ones own abilities to rely on the opinions of others-or maybe I'm just lazy.
106. One woman was my Faith.  One woman caused my Fall.  I wait for the woman who will be my Salvation.
107. One can worry about WHAT one is, for that can change due to the actions of others, but one should never worry about WHO one is, for that is something that can only be changed by the individual himself.  A change in identity, if sparked from the inside, is growth, or a stage leading to growth.
108. Fiction lies.
109. One should learn all of the terms that describe the myriad shades of human affection-learn them to the extent that one can identify them in their nascent stages, like a wine connoisseur smelling the breath from a full flute.  One should know the breadth of difference between love and lust, and the subtle shadings between friendship and crush.  My personal favorite is ADORATION: the warm glow of proximity-fuller than like but not as anxious as love, the only slightly nagging sense of absence-noticeable but not gut wrenching like obsession, the scent of perfume on a pillow but the absence of sex, a shy glance but a knowing smile, a sense of novelty mixed with a definite knowledge but only enough to make the dreams seem poignantly real, a healthy, robust emotion full of youth and age, lingering on the lips like that second stolen kiss and hindered only by time and circumstance. (Yael's Rule).
    a. ADDENDA:If one learns all of these terms-all of the ways to feel towards someone, it makes relationships easier EX: one may love ones girlfriend/boyfriend, but ADORE another, therefore one need not be jealous "it's okay, she loves me, even though she lusts after him..."  The only problem arises when one is not satisfied with the emotion one is receiving and wants the emotion given to another.  With full knowledge of what the terminology and the emotions mean there is less confusion, because there is no way to keep the emotions from occurring-we might as well have a definitive system for classifying them.
    b. Perhaps the only infinite is the breadth of human emotion.
110. You are obsolete. That I realize you are obsolete delays my own obsolescence for yet another moment.
111. It seems most staunch vegetarians argue for the solidarity of prey.  They argue that animals should not be eaten-because they look around and see that, in the grand scheme  of things, that is where they would be in the food chain. I'm sure all of the rabbits of the world agree.
112. If one person thinks about another person  constantly,  we have defined obsession.  If two people obsess about each other, we have defined love.
113. I occasionally have to redefine my concept of beauty.  A Yael rule
114. Which is the greater accomplishment, that I loved her, or that she loved me? A Lisa rule...verified by Amanda
115. Nothing grows in a vacuum.  That her anger towards me seems to grow every time I see her, with nothing to feed it in between shows she still thinks about me in some way shape or form even when I'm not around.  She is generating some kind of emotion, instead of just reacting to me. A Lisa rule...an Amanda Proof.
116. Sometimes there is such enmity, hatred and anger between two people that it grows beyond them and becomes so overwhelming that it must escape those narrow confines into the people around the originators of the emotions.  Sacha's rule.
117. I am a creature of stalwart inconsistencies.
118. Traditions are often overrated, but the best cigars still come from Cuba.
119. I find that I thrive in relationships where I am barely tolerated.
120. Definition-"frustration":(noun): a beautiful, intelligent, captivating lesbian who is attracted to your mind enough to kiss you once, (and well), but then must desist due to the simple, unfortunate fact that you are a man.  see appendix:1001 Reasons for Cold Showers.  The Jessica Rule.
121. Anger is one of the most complex emotions because it is based on the dichotomy of disliking something done by someone who matters. One does not feel anger about someone or something that is not emotionally linked.  Anger is layered; it is the struggle of hating an action perpetrated by a loved one.  For anger to be truly appreciated, it must be complex, with a myriad of depths and levels in which to plumb pain and despair.
122. One of the most important lessons I ever realized was that breaking a rule is never without consequence, and that only sheep accept the consequences at face value.  Weigh the costs, and if you find a deal, break the rule.
123. Look across the restaurant when you come out of the bathroom.  Notice all of the people sitting at all of the tables and catalogue those with whom you would like to be seen-is your date the one on the top of that list of people? Tamara's rule.
124. I'm honest and trustworthy mostly because I'm too arrogant to ever deal with the shame of not keeping my word.  And, knowing the wicked nature of my own chivalry, I trust me more than anyone else I know.
125. Don't change plans at the last minute.
126. Always apologize.  The more right you are the more immediate the apology need be.
127. Sometimes a kiss can mitigate an uncomfortable situation.  A Tamara Rule.
a. sometimes it just creates them.
b. sometimes that's PERFECTLY alright...isn't it JJ?
128. I hate when cliches are right.
    a. Sometimes you can save the best for last.
129. Imagine yourself standing in front of the highest authority you can even unreasonably expect to confront, looking that authority in the eye and telling him or her the details of your actions. If that thought does not scare you then there can be nothing wrong with your actions.  A Tamara Rule.
130. What conclusion can I make when I find that one of the most constant beings in my life is my cat.
131. Reality I can handle; sometimes my dreams really mess me up, though.  I woke to reality one morning, after a dream of  reality and found that my reality was fundamentally altered by my dream.  The dream was not real, but my reaction was visceral and very, very real.
132. I had a bright moment- and, perhaps my life is darker now in comparison, but upon much complaining about my darkness I realized how few people have ever had a moment bright enough  to show them how dark their lives are.
133. There is no length too great for love-if the length seems too great for either involved then there is a discrepancy in the emotions between the two.
134. Some simple rules of combat:
    a. When outnumbered, attack.
    b. When outgunned, attack.
    c. When faced with no alternative other than an attack, find another option.
135. Keep all of your secrets, or none of them, otherwise it is too difficult remembering who knows what.
136. Keep in mind how difficult it is to change something about yourself that you really honestly want to change, and use that as the context for your realistic expectations for someone elses motivations to change something himself.
137. There are those who can elicit "love" from another from sheer force of will, but that love will fail when that person is no longer available to exert that force.
138. There is no point to anger if it cannot be expressed or the situation solved; it is just wasted energy.  This is not to say that grudges are not sometimes worth the effort-they are just highly inefficient.
139. Know your own tendencies about friendship-are your friends or lovers more constant?
140. For art to be valuable it must be useless, otherwise it serves some function other than the aesthetic and it is something else.
    a. The same might be true of romantic gifts- if it is practical it is not valued as much.
141. Love has nothing to do with two people.  It is an emotion felt by one individual towards another, and it can persist long after it is desired by either party.  Sometimes it can be superseded by other emotions, for instance, honor.  I have long since been out of love with certain other individuals,  but honor demands that I maintain a certain level of interest.  I said I would love her forever, and to all the world, I do.
142. She is twenty pounds underweight.  She had dark circles under her eyes.  She never smiles.  She works for a living now, and she lives with her loser boyfriend. She is not the  woman I once knew, but I am the man I have always been, therefore, I will always want to know how she is doing, and I will always hope she is doing better.  And I will always regret that I cannot ask her myself.
143. Sometimes the armor chafes.
144. Very rarely does anyone misunderstand anger.
145. Very rarely does anyone understand love.
146. I have never really understood the concept of faking orgasms. It seems somehow antiproductive (no pun) to me. If I am not performing in a fashion that will satisfy, I need to be told what to do differently. If I think that I am performing in a satisfactory matter then I will continue that particular activity. Therefore, a false orgasm will only positively reinforce a negative behavior. A "hey, you're not doing that right" is much more effective. And if she is simply too tired, say so, dammit.
147. It seems obvious, but never give up. Fools and sheep give up. The kind of integrity and tenacity to which I am referring will frighten other people and alienate them from you. You will seem odd and obsessive, but unanswered questions and unfinished tasks are what drag people down into the shit of life.
148. Genius is the ability to bring a task to completion. Unfortunately, completion in most interpersonal relationships means ending the relationship (completion=end). It sucks, but look how many genii led successful personal lives.
149. I don't know which is more of a thrill-to bring a woman to orgasm, or to genuine laughter. A Yael rule.
150. I hope that I never reach a point that I can walk into a room occupied by an ex-lover and not be affected by her presence. A Yael rule.
151. While one may defy the consequences of breaking a rule, one should always remember that worrying about the consequences of breaking a rule is, in fact, a consequence all its own.
152. I should always remember that one of my best summers was spent with a neurotic redhead.
153. Tip strangers a minimum of 15% for adequate service, friends a minimum of 20%.Tip your enemies extravagantly-it shows you have no confidence in their ability to use that money to endanger you.
154. I would never make the mistake of thinking I understood the motives of  even the simplest mind- so it is a sign of a truly simple mind to assume he or she understands the motives of an equal or a better.
155. Other people's schedules are for the benefit of other people.
156. The most common fashion statement I have ever heard is "Hi. I'm too stupid to dress myself in what I like."
157. Sometimes one does not have to be the best. Sometimes it is not necessary to be the fastest. Sometimes it is more effective to be the meanest.
158. Life is a series of bright moments followed by bitter disappointments- in reality, I think that they balance out (very Samsaric of me, don't you think) but what defines us is the emphasis we place- do we remember the bright moments, or the bitterness.
    a. THUS-man is a self defining entity: I think, therefore I am; I emote, therefore I exist; I love, therefore I matter.
159. When your lover walks by, before you consciously realize it is her, do you still stare?
160. Only an exceptional women could ever hurt my feelings. AYael rule.
161. I used to grieve because she was perfect for me and now she is gone. Now I realize that she is gone because she was perfect for me then.
162. Lingerie and satin dresses are wonderful, but sexuality is defined by shorts that would be too short if it weren't for the frayed edges, a backpack that grabs the edge of the owner's skirt, fortunate gusts of wind, visible panty lines, ill-designed staircases, and knowing, friendly smiles.
163. Will I ever really love a woman who will settle for me? No. I must find a woman who loves me only as long as I improve.
164. I will never fall for a woman who I meet in any of the places people go to meet women.
165. I am unimpressed with cookie cutter women. Character is essential.
166. I would rather be unliked than unreliable.
167. How much of beauty is merely a negative definition? Is one beautiful due to a specific feature or a lack of negative features? How far away from the beautiful is the bland?
168. The fact that I don't have to treat her like a girl makes her an incredibly attractive woman. The Lynne Conundrum.
169. I get along best with people to whom "goofy" is a compliment.
170. I wanted to. She wanted to. There was no written rule against our mutual want. The only thing keeping us apart was my own sense of twisted honor. Perhaps that is what made our mutual loneliness so poignant.
171. Watch someone dance- you see them having sex.
172. The sleaze test: imagine someone else doing what you are considering to an innocent friend. If your skin crawls at the thought, then you know how others will probably see your action (which doesn't mean you necessarily have to refrain; just be aware of the reaction.).
173. Darjeeling is a much better than Earl Grey because it is so much more fun to say.
174. If it is broken and cannot be fixed with duct tape it should probably be replaced.
175. Country line dancing is the white man's answer to rhythm. Individually each is helpless but in a large group one sense of the beat is attained by the collective whole- much like a chorus of a thousand untrained voices sounds beautiful.
176. I am 25; dated her for 6 months: 6/25x12=1/50=.02=2%.As I grow older that number will decrease until it approaches a parabolic arc with an asymptote approaching but never reaching zero. I sucks that I was never good at math.
177. I can work multi-variable differential equations in my head-quote random poems-cite vague french critical theorists-identify obscure musical motifs-juggle abstract cosmological concepts. I can program a VCR- change my own oil- operate a bandsaw-and backhand throw a 175 gram frisbee...I never know what she is going to do, and when she does it, I never understand why.
178. I respect people who are assholes all the time. I know how to deal with them. The difficult people are the ones who seem decent and then surreptitiously become assholes.
179. All homo-sapiens have the opportunity to become human beings.
180. Not all of them make it. The chrysalis occurs usually sometimes in the twenties- the remaining are children or cattle- there to be cared for and/or culled.
181. It is a proof of the infinite breadth of human capacity for feeling that one can never get used to rejection due to the innumerable ways in which one can be rejected.
182. How religious am I? I am so completely faithful to the concept of an omniscient and omnipotent force of the universe as to be completely baffled by the idea.
183. Ignore the boring until it becomes the exciting.
184. Have I loved enough women to be ready for HER?
185. I fell in love once-I never even considered getting up.
186. I thought of HER in a wedding dress-the thought made me weak- the sentiment makes me strong.
187. It is only in the presence of a woman that I am truly alive.
188. Sometimes it is better to be the favorite of the first in command than it is to be the second in command.
189. Write down every good thought you have.
190. Moral support is sometimes more valuable than financial support. Thanks Franz.
    a. I don't know which hurts more when it's abused, though. An Amanda addendum.
191. It is in the heat of argument that one forges ones own opinions.
192. Most people fear confrontation to the point that they will go out of their way to be nice to their enemies rather than burn the bridge and be honest about hatred. It is yet another reason people are difficult to comprehend.
193. I knew a girl for a long time. She grew in my eyes to the point where I respected her immensely. It was a long tedious project. Not long after that I fell in love with her suddenly.
194. I like people who can inspire loyalty in cats.
195. Genius is an aberrance. A genius is as much a freak as any other screw-up nature can concoct.
196. So much of history is a knife and a moment.
197. I think people would be surprised at how deeply shallow I can be.
198. What could be more dangerous to the world than unity among the freaks.
199. Power is intoxicating, and I also don't like people who can't hold their liquor.
200. Sometimes simple gratitude is worth more than money, though simple gratitude is a much more complicated form of currency.
    a. An honest apology, one that shows actual remorse can undo so much hurt...and so few people can actually do it.
201. Casual relationships are parabolic arcs maximizing at the point where anything more than friendship is impossible. (I love long slow curves...
202. While honesty is the best policy, lying is a skill everyone should cultivate.
203. Dueling is an inherently civilized practice, which is why it should be illegal- we can't go losing our civilized people.
204. Letters are both dangerous and exhilarating because they are so permanent and irretrievable-once sent, the words are there and cannot be altered.
205. Peasants who do not live by the rules are not protected by the rules.
206. The feel of pen on paper is sometimes itself an inspiration.
207. Invest in a high quality writing utensil and kill the bastard who touches it or you favorite .39$ ballpoint pen.
208. I sometimes wonder why, knowing the harsh realities of the unreal lengths a person will go to for emotion, one needs an irrational belief in magic.
    a. With that same set of facts, I don't see how anyone could deny the existence Fantastic. I've seen Love; what's a dragon or two between believers.
209. Travel Rules:
    a. Vacations are a wonderful opportunity to visit boring places and annoy foreign people.
    b. Abroad there is no memory like that of bad coffee and familiar faces.
    c. Abroad all Americans are friends.
    d. I thought the French were annoying until I visited France. Then I realized that the only French who annoy me are the ones who speak enough English to expect me to listen to them.
    e. After a while, all country-sides start to look the same no matter what color gibberish the yokels are speaking.
    f. Now, having traveled all of Europe having seen more museums than I care to recount, I know art.-But women are still BEAUTY.
210. Tell the sheep your weaknesses- they will never be able to exploit them, but it will annoy them to no end to know that.
211. A fool breaks rules because he doesn't know any better; a genius breaks the rules because he doesn't care.
212. What is so attractive as an improbable love affair? April...
213. I have recognized in myself the habit of wearing places thin.
214. The true strength of an Oath-keeper is the pain of keeping the oath.
215. A writer must fall in love with the feeling of the pen on the paper- this balances the lust of the idea in the mind.
216. Excitement is contagious. Very rarely do you find a person who takes only one risk in his life.
217. One should always lie extravagantly when on vacation. It makes the vacations of all the other people you meet that much more interesting as they go home and tell their friends back home about all the fascinating people they met.
218. I got upset when a woman I had met stood me up for dinner. I wondered how she could dislike me when she barely knew me. It was then that I realized she did not hate me; she was nervous or unsure because to hate me she would really have to get to know me to hate me properly.
219. Lead a fascinating life and you will draw fascinating people to you.
220. Ignorance of a situation is often more difficult to deal with than a difficult situation.
221. Genetics offers us the idea that two people mating entails countless billions of possibilities as to the appearance of the children. I have considered a future with her so many times that I know all of our possible childrens' faces by heart; Now I only wonder about the names of my grandchildren.
222. Every lover thinks he feels something new, which is, of course, impossible. So, maybe, knowing that I know this, it makes sense when I say that no one has ever loved like I love her.
223. Postmodernity is found as the aesthetic of writing postmodernity with a quill.
224. Understand the difference between racism and knowledge of demographics.
225. I was tired. I did not really want to be where I was. I was more than a little drunk. That's when my ex-lover appeared and spoke to me for the first time in two years. Figures.
226. Don't anticipate the unexpected; it takes the joy out the inevitability of the surprise.
227. Always travel with two or more people, that way if there has to be conversation, you need not necessarily be involved.
228. She says I'm unemotional, which is amazing since she hurts my feelings almost every day. Another damn Lisa rule.
229. When work is no longer fun, it is merely labor.
230. She was amazed that the solution to her problem coincided with my newest occupation. I call it planning.
231. I work because I like what I'm doing- therefore I have a better attitude than those who do what I do for money and therefore I make more money that they do...irony.
232. There is something pretty about most women.
233. Be a bright point- the someone that someone else brags about loving.
234. Things can be replaced or forgotten; the time spent unhappy about those things is irreplaceable.
235. Since hearts break, it is to my advantage to love with my soul.
236. Hope is a rug, all too often pulled out from under me.
237. There are those people in the world to whom you can give your soul and all the world, and it is still not proper recompense for the joy brought by a single unexpected kiss. Stefany's rule.
238. Beauty is something which catches the eye, worthy of a glance; spirit is worth all the trouble in the world. ANOTHER Stefany rule.
239. Sometimes the armor fits all too well. See above.
240. Sometimes I look DAMN good in the armor.
241. Sometimes I wish she'd take off all the armor I know she wears. For while it has chinks through which I see her fears and insecurities, it is yet another thing that keeps me from her...
242. Unexpected kisses are a different flavor than those long anticipated, but they have a sweetness unmatched. Stef again- mostly cause I never know what the HELL'S going on with her.
243. Sometimes not knowing is good. Sometimes it's a pain.
244. Sometimes world's should not come together...the Lisa/Stefany rule
245. I write stories about my life so that other people can read them and tell me what the hell just happened.
246. Was it love, or was it vodka? Both are masked by bitter mixers...
247. I often wish I had the opportunity to take back so many of the things I've said, just to prove I never would.
248. You know you're funny when you can walk into a room where the people hate you and still make them laugh.
249. You create fashions but follow fads. Traditions are just fads that last...
250. What am I looking for in a woman? Someone who pays 1/2 as much attention to me as I do to her.
251. There are times in your life where your very identity is a source of joy- when you realize that there is no one in the world you would rather be- that no one else who could do what you do better than you. BUT sometimes your identity is a chain binding you, weighing you down to the bottom of an ocean of history.
252. Diplomacy is problematic is one-on-one relationships- the social facade can be too deceptive and one or both individuals can be left with someone they really don't know (or like) I prefer to exhibit my identity to the fullest from the first contact, that way, the other person can make a informed judgement from our first impression, and I don't have to waste my time with someone who really doesn't like me.
253. A sound mind, in sound body, with a full head of hair.
254. I can figure out anything, except what she wants.
255. Close friendship and stalking aren't too dissimilar- only divided by the other's reactions.
256. I knew one day she would become a woman. I just didn't expect her to do it so well.
257. I wish I'd never met her, so that it would not be so weird to be attracted to her now.
258. I look back on our mutual memories and I cringe.
259. She has no idea who I am now, which isn't surprising since neither do I.
260. I used to ignore her because I wasn't in her league- then I saw her several years later and realized that somewhere in the interim I had been drafted into the majors and didn't even know it.
261. Back when I felt I needed to prove I was strong, I was an asshole and I did my best to keep others down. Now, stronger and WISER, I am confident enough in my strength to help others- thus showing that I am not afraid that they will become stronger than ME.
262. Okay. So I ignored her for the 12 years of elementary education I knew her AND the four years of college we spent together- now that she's two thousand miles away and has a life, she becomes an intriguing, alluring possibility- that's about right for me.
263. Absence makes the heart grow profoundly stupid.
264. Hindsight is 20/20-it's just that looking back THAT far I tend to close my eyes in embarrassment.
265. She was like meeting this wonderful person that I didn't have to spend any time getting to know.
266. I'm always right, but not always right now.
267. I'm always right, but only when nothing's left.
268. Date people who are attractive in different ways-not so much out of any real desire for diversity, but so that when you see your ex out she will wonder if she's prettier, but will never be able to decide.
269. Virgins are fascinating creatures-either products of an intense background of faith, or an intense cerebral motivation to deny a physical must.
270. There is no joy like a dancer's physique.
271. Nothing fills me with so much confidence as walking to and fro amongst the masses.
272. There is a certain skill in taking something for what it is worth-in not trying to make an experience something it's not.
273. I listen politely as my friends talk of love.
274. To say that I am not whole without someone else is not admitting a weakness on my part. I know that my heart/soul exceeds the boundaries of my rather frail mortal frame so I have to find a vessel to hold my excess. I look for broken creatures.
275. Is phone sex adultery or pleasant conversation? A platonic/aristotelian argument-is it the physical or the ideal form that defines an object's/function's identity.
276. What is it that binds us to places?
277. I loved her too dearly for us to ever get along as friends.
278. How long did I date her? Not long enough...
279. Every breath I draw is a promise to her.
280. I call her with the express intent of accomplishing nothing.
281. I think I finally "got over" her when I realized I REALLY should have killed her when I had the chance.
282. Strangers sometimes enter your life like hope. Thanks April...
283. Swimming is what you do when you fall out of your boat.
284. The easiest loves are the easiest to forget. The most troublesome the most lasting.
285. How boring the world would be were I not such a bastard.
286. I have ventured, loved and lost, so I'm still batting over 600.
287. Loving her is a test of me.
288. She is an onion skin of personalities-her growth like rings on a felled tree-I hate her so much now for that shell that keeps me from the core I loved so much. AND YET I only love a woman who can grow.
289. Justice and law are two different creatures.
290. One need not take EVERY opportunity presented. It shows a lack of confidence. Sometimes one should just accept that one COULD take the opportunity.
291. I didn't need a lover who could tame me, but a lover who could hunt with me.
292. I'm charming - a fact; I can be charming when I want to be- a gift.
293. Everyone should make a list of five-ten people they are allowed to sleep with should they ever encounter them even if they are in a relationship.
    a. Anne Coulter (just because...)
    b. Mila Jovovich...now that she can act
    c. Kylie Minogue
    d. Allyson Hannigan
    e. Sarah Michelle Gellar...but only if she lets me call her Buffy.
    f. Helen Hunt(this one is up in the air...)
    g. Maggie Gyllenhaal

294. The annoyance of a car problem is the inability to move...potentially.
295. She and I suffered a language barrier: she spoke English, French, German and Swiss...and all I could say to her was "guh".
296. I am most attracted to women who barely exist.
297. I've never been washed in the blood of the lamb...but I have been splattered by bacon fat.
298. Some men think the NEED sex-you see them wandering the savanna and the watering holes clear-their prey smells their hunger. I became a TRULY effective hunter when I became well fed and could hunt for sport-catch and release-FOX HUNTING.
299. I write letters I never intend to send, ask questions I never intend to voice, voice feelings that are never meant to reach ears...the expression is all I need to feel.
300. Martini = fill shaker 1/2 with ice+2 count dry vermouth. DUMP liquid. +5 count of Vodka, swirl and serve chilled.
301. I expressed my views on elitism and my own position at the top of the food chain and became on the favorites of the intellectual lesbians because I was, at least, aware of the system.
302. It's not so much that I approve of capitalism...it's just that marxists get no play.
303. As my life grew busy, my rules grew slowly.
304. Moping is like a drug-addictive and leading toward antisocial behavior.
305. I love coffee so much that caffeine dreams of me.
306. My best friend hates my demon ex more than I do- a definition of a best friend.
307. Surround me with women-I do not pretend to satisfy them, but I will settle for amusing them.
308. I feel sorry for worms trapped on the intrusion of concrete.
309. My mistakes define me.
310. I called an old lover, an accidental tryst, and she said "no, I don't remember what day that was." Oddly enough, though, she remembered what she had been wearing.
311. Learn a skill and eventually someone will put it to use.
312. It takes audacity to steal something of real importance.
313. The teacher's job is to stand between the student and life and make sure there is an unhindered path toward knowledge.
314. If you're going to get drunk and pass out on a bathroom floor, at least make sure it's your own. AND if you're going to get sick, at least try to be so drunk as not to remember it.
315. It's all about capitalism: women have a diamond in their pants; sex is a commodity. A woman who owns the unattainable will not be pursued; who can afford the Hope Diamond? Someone with a product cheapened by mass production is going not going to get offered a commodity in return (time and effort on the part of the man). Desire is a mixture of value created by withholding and interest created by potentiality. (A lecture to Kelly and Melissa)
316. At some point freedom becomes a cage. One becomes so obsessed with the idea of freedom that ones decisions become mandated by that obsession, and thus the reality is secondary to the perception. I prefer to retain the ability to relinquish control should I so desire to.
317. One can win most of the battles and lose wars. An Amanda Rule...
318. Sometimes it's not winning that matters, or even how well one fights the battles, but HOW you fight the battles.
319. Be a scene, not a herd
320. Be obscene but not absurd.
321. I got a cell phone so that I could call her whenever I wanted to tell her that I loved her, but even with the expensive plan, they could not sign me up for more than 1440 minutes a day. An Amanda Rule...
322. She thinks that I don't trust her because there are so few guys I trust around her, but I am only reacting to the fact that there are so few guys unaffected by her. An Amanda Rule...
    a. ADDENDUM: nope...turns out the reason I don't trust her is that she was untrustworthy. The issue was not mine; it was hers...REFERENCE RULE # 7
323. 1200 miles is a long fucking way.
324. I knew I was in a serious relationship when other people were as concerned about our fights as I was. An Amanda Rule...
a. that or they just didn't want me back on the market...
325. Sometimes I wonder if she realizes that the same things about me that fascinate her are the same things that infuriate her.
a. I decided very quickly that she was the one I wanted: that was romantic and inspired. I decided ALMOST as quickly that her friends were useless: that was irrational and unreasonable, which, after much consideration is the exact same thing. An Amanda Rule...
326. I like that she doesn't let me get away with (much) shit. An Amanda Rule...
327. Dating stupid girls is boring, but dating intelligent women is a pain in the ass.
328. You can love a person but hate what they do...(an Amanda rule, a Judi remembrance...)
329. Feelings are a pendulum. The capacity for love is directly linked to the capacity to hate. Apathy is stillness and stillness can be devastating, and often impossible has the pendulum started moving.
330. A woman who makes me act irrationally is creating in me a feeling that overcomes two of my strongest traits: my intellect (in getting me to think irrational thoughts) and my pride in that intellect (in getting me to voice those thoughts). An Amanda Rule...
331. I can't ignore her, even when I want to. An Amanda Rule...
332. It is natural to be protective of that which is precious. An Amanda Rule...
333. Sometimes I desire that she would ask me to do something, just to prove I will. The more difficult the task the better the proof of my abilities and my willingness to please. An Amanda Rule...
334. It bothers me that I can alter my world around me, but I cannot so much as swerve the course of my emotions when it comes to her. An Amanda Rule...
335. Larger objects moving with greater force are more difficult to steer and almost impossible to stop. I guess this is why it's so difficult to change my mind...
336. Threesomes only work if you can create the synthesis of the natural female attitude of a priori desire on the part of the intended third party with the learned male acceptance of rejection.
337. Love is a temporary lapse in the logic of the universe. Thank you M. Duras.
338. How do you orient yourself to the universe in an ultimate sense? Thanks Charles Long. I hope I get to drink with you one day.
339. Cheating is only acceptable if the cheating shows more (but different skills) than the task at which one is cheating.
340. Why is that everything I've learned about everything seems to go out the window when I am faced with the thought of losing the woman I love? It's like I have to recreate my universe around me and hope it's a pretty enough universe for her to nest in... when it comes to love we're all birds. An Amanda Rule
341. She obeys the spirit of the law. I obey the letter of the law. Which is probably why I'm so insistent on having a transcript of the laws and she's so reluctant to give me one. An Amanda Rule.
342. Silence kills me.
343. Too many people who are perfect for each other in perfect worlds under perfect circumstances screw up their relationships, so it only makes sense to fight tooth and nail for any relationship that seems to be working because perfection, even if attainable is no guarantee. (to the guy on the airplane...)
344. Listen to the present, not the banshee wails of the past.
345. A lie about the past is still something that's happening in the present, though.
346. Relationships are what happen while you're trying to define your relationship, and a relationship that can withstand the burden of definition is either completely over or worthwhile.
347. Nothing is more amusing that watching 18 year old boys posturing...it's almost like they're real people.
348. Every time I'm left by a woman, I'm convinced that she was the best thing for me and that I'll never find anyone as good as her, but, if I look at my history, each of my girlfriends has been better than the one prior to her...
349. My girlfriend is in love with a woman...one more thing we have in common?
350. What do you call your lover?
351. It's not that I define myself by the women I date, or that I NEED to have a woman in my life, but it's wonderful to be liked, and to be desirable, and whomever I'm with is the empirical evidence of that.  Thanks April.
352. Those who object to labels are generally opposed to the label they know they will receive.
353. Not much is sadder than an empty mailbox (electronic or otherwise) when you are desperate for communication.
354. She lied to me to keep me from getting hurt-so somehow my need for the truth ended up being what hurt me. I'm not surprised.
355. It is possible to feel someone else's emotions, but if you don't know why they feel the way they do, they can be awfully confusing. An Amanda rule.
356. How many people can you love? Does love get diluted? I feel pretty stressed out being in love with one person.
357. Sometimes it is wrong even to be tempted much less to succumb.
358. It is difficult not to succumb when both parties are tempted.
359. You cannot predicate a relationship on failure (though you should be aware of the statistics).
360. How sad is it to deny the possibility of a relationship just because it is unlikely? Who would want a likely love?? I think this is a repeat...but it bears repeating...
361. She became part of my identity. There was me. There was her, and there was a being that was US. I didn't really know who she was, so part of me was a lie. I'm adjusting to that.
362. If you have a microwave and every time you hit the 1 button you get a 4, and you hit the START button it goes to DEFROST you would say that machine was broken. So, if you have a person who takes everything you say the wrong way, and seems intent of misunderstanding you...well, you wouldn't feel bad about yourself if your microwave was broken. For J.J. maybe we should both get microwaves that work...
363. I think awful things about her, but defend her when others voice my unspoken thoughts.
364. She didn't break me...she just showed me where I was already broken.
365. Keeping your life an open book is courageous. Your friends should love you warts and all. Do you want to live wondering whether your friends would still be your friends if they found out the truth about you? An Amanda rule.
366. She was standing there, looking...wonderful, but full of self-doubt. She thought my hesitation about voicing an opinion was me trying to find something nice to say, when it fact it was hesitation from saying that I would have thought it was impossible for her to become MORE desirable. I wonder if my self-doubt looks the same way to anyone else? Thanks J.J.
367. She yelled at me for never trusting her...then I found out that every little suspicion was true...man, it SUCKS to be right sometimes.
368. I have had one night stands...but they were instances of being unable to see the person again, not cases of being unwilling. For Yael, Aimee and April.
369. At one point, she told me that she liked hanging out with him because he wasn't complicated. She didn't have to explain things. They were still getting to know each other and there was no pressure. No pressure to tell the truth...no complications like having to remember how and when she'd lied...and in not knowing her, he was not likely to judge her on anything but the cheerful face she puts forward to the ignorant. OH! Now I understand.
370. Sometimes wisdom and insight comes in odd forms, via strange conversations with unexpected people...Carey's Rule.
371. SHE'S protective of ME...I never knew how good it would feel to have someone defend me. I knew I never really needed it, but I never thought to want it. Thanks Ashley.
372. I can create a calendar of pain wherein I can find something she did to hurt me for every month of the year.
373. Does it make me feel better that she didn't do all she did out of evil, but out of selfishness and carelessness with my feelings? Not really...
374. You will never find satisfaction in another person. Another person will never MAKE you be faithful out of your adoration of her or him. The strength to stay faithful is something YOU have inside you all the time or not at all. Because, trust me, when you are at your weakest...when you are mad at that person and angry and chomping at the bit to hurt him or her...that is when the Fates will parade in front of you THE person most likely to tempt you. It's got to be inside you to say NO to temptation. Don't put that burden on the other person; it's unfair and unreasonable.
a. If the other person cheats on YOU...then it wasn't that you weren't enough;she didn't have it in HER to be faithful. It's not a failing on your part.
375. Everytime I hear a girl complaining about guys with intimacy and trust issues I just want to shake her and tell her "then don't treat us badly. don't lie to us. don't CHEAT on us." and don't tolerate your friends who do the same things. Stand up for what's right and you'll find that over time there will be fewer damaged guys out there.
376. She so affected my decision-making process that I began to doubt my ability to make ANY decisions. What if Indianapoplis was a lying cheating whore too?
377. When my friend told me that she'd cheated on her boyfriend once it almost broke my heart. Were ALL women problematic? Then I saw the look of remorse in her face over a drunken KISS...just a KISS...and I would have laughed had I not thought it would have hurt her feelings, because she, UNLIKE my cheater, actually apparently HAS them...JJ's Rule.
378. I don't love well...I apparently have the skill though for infinite sadness. (I wish I could dedicate this rule to only one woman in my life.)
379. Once upon a time, I wrote her into my fiction as the heroine. I took passages of our conversations and turned them into dialogue. Now it doesn't fit anymore, and I find she is a much better model for the villainess. I still have so much material to use though.
380. Funny how bad memories exist in every city.
381. Think of where you spend all your time. Figure that out and you know where to spend your money on comfortable things. For me, it's shoes, sheets and a good car stereo. I don't wear any one piece of clothing as much as I wear my favorite shoes; I spend eight hours a day in my bed and I drive a LOT, so I have comfy shoes, 250 count sheets and a MP3 cd player in my car. The money I spend on those things becomes more economical with the use they get.
382. Answer to rule 364...no, I'm a little broken. Maybe though there are women out there who like fixer-uppers. I run pretty well when I get regular maintenance and proper tune-ups.
383. Someone told me that therapy is good for you because you talk about your problems in such a focused manner that you eventually get tired of talking about them. That makes sense: you're paying for the time so you don't reiterate or repeat yourself like you do to your friends. Also, therapy implies that you WANT to get over the problems, which is perhaps the most important realization...
384. Children should not be allowed to have toys. They don't appreciate them...they're for adults. Legos rule.
385. Love should make you weak, but your lover should make you strong. long phone conversations with JJ...who still thinks she should get it right after so little practice...
385. You're probably not that special: if she does something with you, she's probably doing it, or going to do it with someone else. Michele's first rule...but something I should have learned from Amanda.
386. Find out who your friends think you should date...it could surprise you.
387. If there weren't some people out there destined to be alone, then there wouldn't be a word for alone or phrase for being in a relationship. If there weren't the possiblity for loneliness, then we wouldn't try so hard to find the right person.
388. I was recently accused of dwelling on the past. It's decidedly not true. I remember this time a couple of years ago...
389. The last big ex just got married, and I thought it was weird, when my FRIENDS got married.
390. Speaking of marriage: my best friend got married. This would worry many guys--it on some levels implies the loss of a friend/drinking buddy/fellow trouble-maker. One night we were all out...me, Chris and his wife Heather. Chris was being Mr. Prissy Pants and complaining about work, mornings, and the having to be there thing. He was going home. Heather started to get up to join him when she realized "hey, I don't have to work tomorrow" to Chris' dismay we determined that she had a safe ride home, someone to be out with, and a desire to keep drinking. He went home. We threw down. I didn't lose my drinking buddy to marriage (now I MIGHT have lost him to this JOB thing, but that's another rule). In marriage, I GAINED a drinking buddy...THAT'S the definition of a good relationship to me...to hell with THEM being happy. I'm thrilled.
391. So, it doesn't matter so much IF someone is a slut, as it does WHY someone is a slut. Does he/she enjoy sex, or is the person slutting around for some secondary reason? I know one woman who sleeps around because she likes it, and another who does it because she thinks that's the way to keep a guy interested. Ask me which one I respect...
392. The pain of finding out someone has cheated on you has nothing to do with sex...it's all about the break in faith you had in the person. It's not about bodies; it's about keeping your word.
393. I love NYC. The pace is somehow right, and the possibility of anonymity is somehow encouraging. I guess I just do better when there's no net.
394. In every good relationship there is one responsible one and one fuck-up. Sandy's rule. ]

    addendum 1: pointing out to your significant other that he/she is the fuck-up might not be the most responsible thing to do in your WAS-good relationship. Mike's rule.

    addendum 2: don't let your smart-ass friends finish your sentences when you're talking about relationships with your significant other.

395. It is important to be proud of your partner.
396: It's funny when people fall down. Shakespeare's rule.
397. There's a fine line between fame and infamy. For Ms. Nels.
398. I was about to die (really), and I had a moment of peace with that realization, then I downshifted.
399. I love Hondas.
400. It is presumptuous to imagine that the happy times will outweigh the sad times, but it is that arrogance, and the subconscious realization of that arrogance that makes us strive and move forward. It is the basic foolishness of the underlying proposition that should grant us the forgiveness for our mistakes. (c'mon...rule 400 had to be somewhat deep...I've got 400 of these damn things.)
401. I should not be allowed to spend large amounts of time on my own. I get weird(er) and follow mental paths best left unexplored. I need the gentle social nudges from my friends to keep me from moving from eccentric to frightening.
402. Sometimes it hurts to read work from your past, but every once in a while I read something I've written and I think "Damn, I'm smart." That's a good one for the self-esteem.
403. I ignored my ex's birthday. I let Christmas pass, but sometimes a town, a house, a place is so full of memories, that ignoring someone is an active thing, more difficult than any confrontation, any battle.
404. How is it even remotely possible that so many woman have chosen to become involved with me? Did one of them walk away lamenting the fact that I got away? Which answer, yes or no, would be more frightening?
405. My ex doesn't deserve credit for making me understand the blues...no, for her I finally GET country. Makes me want to get a dog, a gun and a truck and then go for a ride on a train...
406. Every once in a while you meet a great girl who doesn't even realize just HOW great she is, a girl who sees her quirks as faults rather than as the strengths they are.
406. Love works on its own schedule; it has little regard for your timelines and it is too precious to put off because of inconvenience.
407. Love like Romeo and Juliet, but try to figure out a better way to break up...
408. I would like to apologize to everyone I dated in my twenties...but I'm also expecting some apologies to come my way too...and some of them need to be in writing.
409. It's kind of disappointing that now that I have the courage to stand up for myself, most of my enemies have the sense to be more diplomatic.
410. It really brings me no joy that some people are afraid of me. I'm not saying they shouldn't be, but it brings me no joy.
411. Not ALL of the rules have deep philosophical meanings.
412. Boys see every skirt as a possibility, and in a way, they are right. It's an issue of effort versus reward (again love becomes an economy). Men see the same thing, but we've learned that sometimes there are hidden costs. That, and we're too damn tired.
413. There are women out there who make me want to be a hero.
414. Sometimes I wish I could be Cary Grant.
415. Dating is an eliminative process...the whole thing is designed as a period in which you can figure out what's really wrong with this person.
416. Sometimes I want to change the world...or at least a corner of it...sometimes all I want is a simple butterscotch kiss because that would change my world.
417. Loving is not just about being brave, but also about finding someone with her own sense of bravery.
418. Silence, the unspoken, has a dignity of its own, but sometimes you have to take the risk, say the thing, be the fool for something worth it. If the words go unsaid, they might never know if they were worth anything at all.
419. Honesty is a kind of neurosis. The Nelsian Rule.
420. Upon giving advice to my little brother about women, I realized that at some point I had become an authority...how fucked up is that???? More little brother advice to follow:
421. Never ask a woman what she is thinking. This especially applies to moments of passion: if she's thinking something, and you're not sure what it is...it can lead to NO GOOD. Dont' ask. She's likely to tell you. NO GOOD I SAY.
422. A woman has decided by the second date (often earlier) whether or not she wants to be physically involved with you. It's up to you to figure out what she's decided.
423. Half of the joy of being "successful" with a woman isn't the visceral pleasure of the woman, but the mental pleasure of knowing you were right. Or perhaps the SHOCK of being right.
424. She moved like a cat on a Discovery Planet nature show, all grace and muscles. The dimples on the small of her back fascinated me...I felt like Raymond Chandler for the imagery, and that wasn't a bad thing. Telling her that would have been a much better compliment than "you're really pretty". Tell them what you think of them. They will appreciate that you thought of them at all. The more specific the compliment, the more believable it is.
425. I probably should not be allowed to be alone for long periods of time. Without the possibility of public ridicule I tend to get odd.
426. A friend once benevolently referred to me as eccentric and I found it disturbing. I mean, I AM eccentric, but I thought it was better hidden than that.
427. What is it that I get sad about when I think of past relationships? I certainly don't want some of those women back in my life (not all of them for sure...). Had I the time returned to me, or had I done it differently, I'd probably just have found someone even worse for me. That's reassuring, isn't it?
428. Switzerland is nice all year round. Nels' rule.
429. Sometimes you meet a girl who is rule-worthy before you even know what the rule is going to be. There is something about her that you know is going to shift some kind of paradigm somewhere...it's kind of disconcerting, a philosophical sword of Damocles waiting to fall on me and change my life. The girl who can't be named yet.
430. There is a shift in your life where you suddenly are supposed to be happy with your friend's announcement that she is pregnant instead of sympathetic.
431. Gads...put me in a room with a beautiful woman, give me the kiss-or-not-kiss decision and that moment of awkwardness, and suddenly I'm 14 again. Thank God I can still feel that way...it's like hope flopping around in my stomach.
432. Pens and sunglasses...the more I have, the more I will lose.
433. Sometimes a girl is SO cool, her coolness supersedes her physical appearance. It gets problematic, though, when that girl is beautiful to begin with. Does she understand that she's cooler than she is pretty, but that she still just might be the prettiest girl I know? Lola's rule.
434. I could never be with a girl who doesn't dig animals.
435. Do not assume to understand my motivations. I can be the nicest person you know, subject to whims of kindness that will surprise you, but I can also be a complete rat bastard, capable of spite, revenge and evil you would not believe. You can only take me at face value and hope
436. I become infinitely more attractive when I'm a thousand miles away...
437. Sometimes difficult is not complicated or complex; it's just difficult. Jenn's first rule.
438. How does one define the feeling you get when you meet someone who you know would make your life a better life, and all you want to do is all you can do to make that person's life a better life?
439. She wants nothing to do with me. Goddamn that's an attractive quality in a woman... A Jenn rule.
440. Nudity is never unwelcome at a party.
       a. it's sexual and attractive...
       b. it's comic relief....too bad some people don't know which they are....
441. I will reiterate...I meet the girl who's going to make a difference to me, and I start writing poetry again.
442. If everyone in the world would just help out someone else in the world, the world would be a better place...not for the people whose lives were made better by being helped, but in the lives that were made better in the ACT of helping.
443. The older I get, the more concerned I get about the needs of those weaker than me. Is that because I am more powerful or less? Perhaps I've learned that there is no such thing as power at all.
444. A person can only have power over you as you allow. She can have as much power as she wants.
445. Sometimes the coldness is an iceberg with depth beneath the surface...sometimes it's just a useless chunk of ice.
446. Upon accusation of being a stalker: well, I hope she is happy the rest of her life dealing with men who AREN'T interested in her.
447. Upon accusation (in a nice way) of being weird: well, DUH, have you SEEN the normal people...? They're all freaks.
448. I talked to an old lover after ten years since we'd dated. She's still fascinating in all sorts of new ways. A new Lisa rule...we'll see how many of the old ones still apply.
449. I try. I try HARD. Harder than anyone I know, and my efforts bite me in the ass...at what point does one give up? Never, I guess. One just realize one is trying in the wrong direction...and it is the direction that is a problem, not the effort. Jenn, again.
450. Anyone who does not see my worth is worthless.
451. Upon watching the woman I should have married get married to someone else, I was struck by just how lousy the universe is sometimes.
452. A worried friend commented on my general prickliness, and the fact that it is probably going to keep me from finding anyone who will want to put up with me. I had to ask, and she admitted that I have every right to be a little edgy considering my edges are not well-honed blades, but the crystalline cutting edges of shards of broken parts of me extended in kindness and love to others.
454. There's nothing like a little scandal to show you who your friends are.
455. I think I had a shot at true love once, but I was so frightened by it, by her, that I imagined myself as not good enough for her and so I didn't try like I should have. Stupidity like that makes me believe I might have been right.
456. I find it sad and amusing when girls break up with me before we've even become an item.
457. I find it sad and amusing that I imagine us an item long before we are.
458. Someone crossed me recently. I would be making the world a better place if I just let it go and chalked it up to the smallness of others. I've decided, therefore, to make no efforts against this person. Should an opportunity present itself to destroy her effortlessly, however, I feel it is well within my rights to do so. One should probably note that, with my life experiences, some things come more effortlessly than others.
459. I realized how different I am from one of my friends when I met the tool she was dating. I'm the far side of her; he's the other shore.
460. Does one tolerate intolerance of one's friends?
          a. No, not among your significant others. There's something wrong with loving someone who doesn't like your friends. It's a bad sign. Get a new S.O. or question your choice in friends.
          b. No, in your close friends. Read addendum A.
          c. Yes, in  your casual friends. That's why we define them as casual. You really don't give a fuck about them.
          d. Yes, in your co-workers. Read addendum B.
461. The process of getting to know someone is just that, a process. So, if in your attempts to get to know someone you don't like the way she reacts/behaves, you've gotten to know her; the problem, of course, is that you've found out she is a bitch. At least, however, you know...
462. There are people out there who make themselves feel better by making others feel less worthy. I think the best way to combat them is to be yourself at your very best because it was apparently that state of being that made them feel so bad in the first place. Rub their noses in  your success as a person.
463. Every once in a while I re-read my rules...
          a. I will do my best not to fuck up my next relationship.
          b. I will fucking crush the next person who attempts to hurt me...sorry....just needed to be said.

464. SORROW is one of those words that doesn't get used enough. I think people feel it every day (I think...at least I do...) but the word itself has fallen out of favor.  I think this relates to Rule 109
465. Universes need to be disturbed occasionally.
466. I'm tired of the misuse of the word JUST. It's one of the harshest words in our language now because it's used to mitigate so many things. It's the caveat that people use to make themselves feel better about hurting each other. I'm JUST doing this... We should start using it for its other meaning: fairness. Don't JUST go about your life doing things that cause each other pain and suffering. BE JUST: think about your actions. Look at the issue with some perspective and make fair decisions.
467. Even I am afraid of some people.
468. Honesty should supersede courtesy. Beth's rule.
469. I'm sloooowly learning the subtle art of brutal silence. Some people don't even deserve the argument or the pursuit.
470. Guns are the logical extrapolation of hitting.
471. Don't bring a knife to a gunfight. See rule 470.
472. I'm subtly attracted to girls who have the guts and wherewithal to tell me they don't like me. THAT makes dating fun... I'm not a masochist; I just act like one.
473. One would think that after all of these years my friends would stop trying to change (improve they would say) me. I live in a great big fuck-off world for which I am perfectly armed and armored.
    Which leads me to the rather interesting point that I, the difficult and judgemental one, make fewer attempts to change those around me than the open-minded-universally-accepting-baby-seal loving hypocrites I have for friends.
474. All other paradigms can just piss-off...especially if they involve me using the word paradigm.
475. There are women in the world who I like enough not to ruin their lives by pursuing in earnest.

476. The internet is really just a bar and different pages are different bars. The porn industry has set up the world's biggest strip club...and other places have set up other, weirder bars, but it's really just a place to interact. Would you drive to some of the places where you click? Would you be seen there?

477. It's not necessarily a good thing to tease me. Teasing me puts me in a competitive frame of mind, and I like to win more than I like to do almost anything. I become an (even bigger) asshole when I'm competing and you never know what Jedi Mind Trick I'll pull out of my sleeve to win. The secret to me, I guess is creating a scenario wherein my winning is not you losing.

478. I will give a girl the world in exchange for some sincere attention.

479. My pub is sacred space. I work there and cannot just leave when you can. If you come into my pub and make me uncomfortable, I will simply make you want to leave so that I am no longer uncomfortable. You probably DON'T want me to go to efforts to make you uncomfortable. Carol's rule.

480. You are going to tip me whether you know it or not...if you think you've stiffed me, you might want to view your accounting a little more closely. I know tricks that would baffle David Copperfield.
481. She walked onto my turf and my gut wrenched its way out of me. Wow. I can still feel nervous. Perhaps because I still know how to ruin things...
482. Some fish are still too small to land, but that doesn't mean they're not tempting. How many times do you let them almost jump in the boat? I can only be SO tempted.
483. Don't kiss me once. It hurts my feelings too much to get the hopes up AGAIN.
484. In a strictly philosophical sense, Romance is about SPACE and Love is about TIME.
485. Give a child a fish, he'll eat for a day; use a child as bait, and you'll never have to feed him again.
486. I'm not an idiot, but she probably thinks I am. It's just perspective: I'm an idiot around HER.
487. When everyone else is making her cry, make sure you're the one who makes her laugh...hell, just make her laugh anyway no matter what everyone else is doing.
488. There is something about the SMELL of a woman that is irresistible. As intellectual as I am, I am still a creature of instinct.
489. I am the wrong star for such a magnificent wagon.
490. I've returned to the land of poetry and wasted time...Home--
491. Is it romantic or shallow that I love the aura that surrounds her? The reactions from others? The pride of being the focus of her attention? Are the two things so different?
492. NO one EVER expects ME.
493. Is being happy the default?
494. It is difficult to be analytical AND cheerful.
495. Systems are not inherently bad, yet analyzing them rarely leads one to warm and fuzzy world views.
496. Just because you don't see them doesn't mean there aren't forces working against you.
497. She really does get prettier every time I see her.
498. Sometimes I understand Shakespeare, Donne, Petrarch; not their genius, which I don't purpote to match. I do, however, understand the desire to bend ones entire will, purpose, and intellect to trying to understand her.
499. What does it mean when you meet a woman for whom you KNOW you will pine even before she is gone...




The LAST rule... At no point should I elicit any sympathy from anybody if one of my screw-ups should be traced back to the fact that I broke one of my own rules. The Lisa rule. Know it. Remember it.
 
 



Endnotes: Things I Will Always Remember About Girls I Can't Forget:
Jenifer: parental approval.
Nancy: "They have little snaps on the sides...oops..."
Vicki: I hate your roommate.***always wishing she hadn't gone on that roadtrip--knowing her before, and dealing with her and the wheelchair after.
Judi: "I slept with him, okay?" *** Cubby *** Catching her talking to her friend about me on the phone. *** 27 ***losing my temper
Allison: looking across a crowded coffee shop-seeing her as if for the first time and letting her take my breath away again--then realizing that she was mine. *** Riding a bike with flowers in a backpack. *** A black velvet bikini. *** Her making me walk Nicole to her car...wench. *** The black garters the night of our goodbye dinner. *** Calling her NINE years later and knowing she's still the one who'll have all the right answers...
Nicole: The Mecca *** a thousand disappointments of which she was never aware. *** A stolen kiss and watching her close her eyes for it---and the resulting disbelief of my friends. *** Finding out she was married--from a stranger.
JJ: the Sweet Shop meetings***"Oh My God! What're YOU doing here?"***stripping after too many white Russians***sweet 40's movie kisses***realizing that IM CANNOT substitute for a real presence in someone's life***standing at her wedding, wishing I were the one.
Chantale: little white Miatas***PROFESSOR FILICE!!!***the feeling of a powerful person melting at the first kiss***walking into Denny's at 3 am and ordering one of everything with chocolate in it***embarrassing quotes in school papers. (And NO she WASN'T a student!!!)
Nana: unfortunate roomie timing.
Nathalie: Contest Winner!!***stupid shoes***finally finding a reason not to hate the French.
Kerry: waiting until AFTER we broke up to have sex***wanting to rearrange my sock drawer...poor thing***bailing out of parties for NO reason***setting friends at odds with each other
Erin: "THANK GOD THEY SAVED THE PANCREAS!!"***keeping the 101 Reasons to move to California book as evidence
Lisa: BiPolarity***the little move of pushing the hair behind the ears***accidents and baby oil***her kissing Chris***trying SO hard...
Amy O: sticks and twigs
Yael:telling Lisa***"perfect"***"what do you want me to do?"***
Amanda: Mardi Gras***I was making pancakes for her, DAMMIT***Jedi Gap Boy*** MAKE the shot***Only Dr.s...***Having a "best friend" one week but not the next***learning to trust my instincts***recognizing the year that has since passed since last I spoke to her.
Rachel: kissing a geisha
Sara: "How was THAT for a leave-behind?"
Michele: dating someone with a cool job***
Erika: Waffle House parking lot fights:***7 years of nonsexual friendship exceeds the statute of limitations on being friends with someone just so you can sleep with her.
Heather: "Thank God you finally got it right"--and the look of terror.*** first meetings and alcohol poisoning (Sapphire and Tonic, right?)***flawless, yet mature***the warm feeling that if there is someone out there who can put up with Chris' post-Guinness emissions, then there HAS to be someone for me***took me a while to get into this mood, going to take me a while to get out..it's 2003, dear...***is it sad that my best friend's wife has more memorable moments than some of my girlfriends? or is it just safer to mention them for fear of libel suits?
Nels: Contractual kinkiness.
Lola:Whatever Lola wants...*** Sweetest goodbye kiss EVER. Wishing I made enough money to buy her a house so big it would house every animal she EVER wanted to help.
Steph: Cutest girl ever to sell a comic book.

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