The Theology of Tipping

When you die, you will be weighed and measured. You will not be judged by the goodness or badness of your actions, for such things are relative.

Tipping however, is an absolute.

So, you will arrive at the gates of Heaven, where, before the Great Maitre' D of Heaven allows you beyond the Great Velvet Rope of Happiness you will step on a heavenly scale that displays your lifetime tipping average. This measurement will determine your eternal fate.

If you’ve tipped better than 20%your entire life, you will enter Heaven, which is the most wonderful restaurant/bar you’ve ever seen. The drinks always give you a pleasant buzz. The food is divine, but never filling (though you are, of course, never hungry). The waiters and bartenders are pleasant, helpful and witty. You’re surrounded by vast array of diverse, interesting people from all corners of existence.

If your average is less than 20%, but still better than 15%, you’re on the floor. You get the constant pleasant glow of a good tip. Everyone you work with is fun and interesting. All of your tables are nice to you. People buy you the occasional shot. You’re still in Heaven with all that entails people, and, every night, you get to take off your apron and drink and eat with those interesting, diverse people.

If you’re below 15% but above 10%, you’re in the kitchen, cooking in the flames. Fires leap up around you as you struggle to meet all the infinite incoming orders. Everything is always running late. Someone’s yelling at you all the time. You run out of things constantly and nothing ever goes right.

Below 10% but about 7% you’re washing dishes. You’re immersed in scalding water and decaying food, and someone’s always yelling at you in a language that you don’t understand as you carry heavy loads that constantly need replenishing.

Below 7% but above 4% you’re managing this whole mess.


Below 4% and you own it.



H. Frederick Filice
Theologian/Food Service Priest

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