Quotes, One-Liners, T-shirt phrases, Mottos, Slogans, Insults and More. . .
People
who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do!
I
think - therefore I’m single. (Lizz Winstead)
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. (Carol Leifer)
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. (Ambrose Bierce)
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. (Margaret Thatcher)
A little rebellion now and then is a good think. (Thomas Jefferson)
Roses
are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so are you!
The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is research.
Welcome
To `State`, Now Go Home!
I`m not
insensitive. I just don`t care.
Welcome to California. Help our economy: take someone with you...
Where There's A Will - I Want To Be In It!
I
Owe, I Owe, So Off To Work I Go!
I'm not as think as you drunk I am
I Tried To Drown My Troubles But They Learned How To Swim!
Seen
on a bikers jacket: If you can read this, I lost my girl!
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
(Dick Gregory)
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. (Frank McKinney Hubbard)
I became a policeman because I wanted to be in a business where the customer is always wrong.
The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they do not know the game. (Bill Shankly)
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. (Winston Churchill)
Don’t
Steal... The Government Hates The Competition!
Experience
is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Have you heard about the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring. The wedding ring. And the suffering.
There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon. (O'Rourke)
Every woman should marry an archaeologist because she grows increasingly attractive to him as she grows increasingly to resemble a ruin. (Agatha Christie)
Friendship: A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul. (Ambrose Bierce)
Immigrant:
An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. (Ambrose
Bierce)
Egoist: A
person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. (Ambrose
Bierce)
Cynic:
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to
be. (Ambrose Bierce)
A
bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need
it. (Bob Hope)
What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? (Bertolt Brecht)
A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder
Life is what happens when you are making other plans.
(John Lennon)
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. (Ambrose Bierce)
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. (Irv Kupcinet)
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work. (Gallagher)
A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off.
(Robert Paul)
There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press. (Mark Twain)
I don't know as I want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do. I hire him to tell me how to do what I want to do. (J. P. Morgan)
It's
a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose
yours. (Harry S. Truman)
"Give
me a museum and I'll fill it." (Pablo Picasso)
"Everything
that can be invented has been invented." (Charles
H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899)
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." (Alice Roosevelt Longworth)
Abstract art is the product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. (Al Capp)
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
(Yakov Smirnoff)
You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.
They
say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent,
and cultured.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter. (Jerry DeMas)
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If I promise to miss you, will you go away? (Carolyn Gonzales)
If brains were rain, you`d be a desert. (Marie Gilstrap)
I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
He's got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks. (Mark & Gail Badry)
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat.
Don't you realize that there are enough
people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us
another?
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Alone:
In bad company.
You have learned the hard way, but you have learned.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an
onrushing freight train…
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. (Bob Hope)
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER." (Willliam S. Burroughs)
The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.
(Tom Clancy)
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. (Mario Andretti)
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
(Jeffrey Bernard)
Alabama State Motto: Literacy ain`t everything
Minnesota State Motto: Not Sweden But, We Act Like It
Save the whales!......... Collect a whole set.
All I Want Is Less To Do, More Time To Do It And More Money For Not Getting It Done.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes
age comes alone.
Here I am! Now what are your other two
wishes?
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
IN GOD WE TRUST
All Others Pay Cash
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. (Joey Adams)
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
War doesn't determine who's right - only who's left. (Bertrand Russe)
Talk is cheap because the supply exceeds
the demand.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. (Nicole Hollander)
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.
Alabama State Motto: At least we're not Mississippi
California: By 30, our women have more plastic than your Honda
Colorado: If you do not ski, do not bother
Delaware: We really do like the chemicals in our water
Minnesota: 10,000 lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come and feel better about your own state
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then
things get worse.
If at first you don't succeed sky diving is not for you.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Join the army. Travel the world. Meet interesting people. And kill them.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
Question: Which is worse, Ignorance or Apathy? Answer: I don't know and I don't care.
I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.
It's a small world so you have to use your
elbows a lot.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the
play?
I spent most of my money on whisky, women and cigarettes. The rest I just wasted.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Rhode Island State Motto: Size Isn`t Everything
New Hampshire: Go away and leave us alone
Texas: Si' hablo ing'les
Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. (Edgar Wallace)
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. (Totie Fields)
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. (Ambrose Bierce)
A new British survey has revealed that 9 out of 10 people like Chocolate. The tenth lies. (Robert Paul)
Tell Me again how lucky I am to work here. I keep forgetting.
Coffee in England always tastes like a chemistry experiment.
(Agatha Christie)
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
(Clint Eastwood)
Hard
work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.