by Melody Bowen
I have never flipped the bird so many times in the course of one day. Ever.
OK, so maybe I've been a little hostile today. OK, OK, so maybe I've been a little more than a little hostile. Maybe I've been a 24-karat b-i-t-c-h. It seemed that all day long, at every turn, I was confronted with situation after situation that required me to hide in a bathroom (or behind my office door, or in my car, or behind my office building, or -- you get the point) so that I could extend both my middle fingers, clench my teeth, and silently scream the "f" word. (I know, I know -- bad Melody, bad, bad.)
OK, it's like this -- I quit smoking yesterday. Successfully. Yes, I did it. Yesterday was my first day as a fresh, brand-new nonsmoker. Today was my first day out in public as a fresh, brand-new nonsmoker. Yes, me. A nonsmoker.
Also, today was my first workday as a nonsmoker, which meant no smoke breaks. No flicking the Zippo; no slow, soothing draw on a Marlboro menthol to quiet the nerves after meetings with the boss; no joking around with fellow smokers outside the back door at breaktime. Nope, nope, nope.
Instead, today required a lot of deep breathing (sans smoke). Lots of water. Lots of trying to keep the ever-so-short temper under control. Which sometimes worked. Sometimes. This morning, I quickly discovered that certain coworkers who ordinarily have an uncanny ability to irritate me today had the uncanny ability to infuriate me. In the interest of not hurting anyone's feelings (or getting fired or, quite frankly, going to prison for multiple homicides), I discovered that I could resist the temptation to tell everyone to go straight to h-e-double-hockey-sticks, but I couldn't resist the temptation during those private moments to flip them off. A lot. (No, no, I mean a lot.) Truly, I'm a bit embarassed to admit that I was flipping the bird all the live-long day today. At coworkers. At barking neighborhood dogs. At other drivers. At people in the general public. At virtually anyone who entered my office with anything less than a big smile and a kind word. I even flipped off my computer today. More than once. With both fingers at the same time. (Pathetic, I know.)
The worst thing I did today was act insensitively toward my boyfriend. Ned was telling me a story that, had I reacted appropriately, would have ended with me giving him a bit of my sympathy, or at least my support. Instead, I was focused on the fact that his cell phone was clicking in my ear. At the precise moment I should have said "oh, sweetheart, it's OK..." or something like that, I spat, "What's with the damned clicking?!?!!" (I'm sorry, honey.)
Now that I'm back home, I'm feeling a bit better. The cigarette cravings aren't killing me (just the occasional pang after I eat, when I talk on the phone, etc.). I'm being careful not to overeat, because quite frankly everything smells and tastes better already. One of the coolest things right now is that I can still smell my perfume from this morning (11 hours later), and the scent isn't cloaked by smoke. Truthfully, it feels pretty good to have put away the cigarettes (actually, I gave them away -- I don't even have any around to tempt me). It feels good that I will not wake up tomorrow with that heavy, I've-smoked-too-many-cigarettes feeling in my chest. It feels good that my clothes and hair smell great (and I swear -- swear!!! -- my skin looks brighter and healthier already).
It feels great that I wont set fire to $30 a week anymore. In fact, I did the math and discovered that foregoing cigarettes affords me two inexpensive lunches a week with my friends, plus a weekly trip to Barnes & Noble (buying one book and a Venti Mocha Frappucino). I'm certain that these things will give me much greater pleasure than those damned cigarettes.
Note to self: Stop flipping off random people, animals, and inanimate objects. Take a deep breath, and celebrate the fact that one is quitting that disgusting habit while one can still actually manage to take a deep breath. OK, how about this: If one must flip off someone or something, how about flipping off a pack of cigarettes? They're the real source of angst right now. So, resolve only to flip off cigarettes (preferably not while said cigarettes are in the hands of others). Focus on the positives of this new lifestyle: More money in the wallet, no smoky smell, no coughing, no sitting in the smoking sections at restaurants, better skin, whiter teeth, fresher breath, no Bea Arthur-esque voice when one is 50... and the list goes on and on. Yay! I've quit smoking! Isn't it great! (Say it with me: Woohoo!)