by Melody Bowen
I bought a great new book this week called All You Need to Survive: Three Black Skirts. It's a kind of all-around survival guide for women, and it's chocked full of advice on everything from fashion to finance to fixing things around the house. It's fabulous. (Girls, pick up a copy. I give it four stars.)
As I flipped through the section on home repair yesterday, a sentence caught my eye. It was about washing machines, and reads: "That which vibrates is out of balance." (I'm not entirely sure that sentence is always accurate, quite frankly [no comments, please]). At any rate, it got me thinking that I've spent a lot of time in my 34 years thinking that my life (not just my washing machine) was out of balance. I thought back about all the mistakes I've made -- especially those I've repeated over and over -- and I thought about everything I'd have done differently to ensure that my adult life didn't shake-rattle-and-roll me like an out-of-balance washing machine.
Then, last night, my good friend Christine gave birth to her second child, a perfect little boy named Joseph. I began to think of all that little Joey has ahead of him, all the decisions he'll face, all the opportunities he has to do things right. I decided to write him this letter, assemble a few nuggets of advice for him, some of which I figured out myself, some that I wish I had learned, and some that I ignored the moment I heard them (usually to my own detriment).
Dear Joey,
1. Learn to be a morning person and to always arrive early. Nothing will frustrate your friends, family, teachers, bosses (& even yourself) like being perpetually late. Trust me on this one.
2. Never smoke. Most of us who smoke curse the day we started every single time we light up. If it seems cool when you're in high school, think again. In fact, most everything that seems cool in high school, especially the things your parents would hate, will turn out to be lousy ideas.
3. Learn very early how to cook things you like, how to change a tire or the oil in your car, how to unclog a drain, and how to shut off the water valve when the toilet is about to overflow. Learn how to say no assertively but gracefully, even to those who are well-meaning, nice, or otherwise appear to have your best interests at heart.
4. Avoid things that will bring you feelings of guilt. Guilt is an emotional parasite that damages your heart and soul even more than disappointment, anger, or heartbreak. When you hurt others, you hurt yourself more.
5. Learn to dance. Don't worry if you aren't good at it. Nobody else is either, and nobody really cares. Trust me when I say that the guy who dances (even badly) can always find a partner. (Girls love guys who dance.)
6. Understand that life isn't fair. For anyone. Your life will turn out to be exactly what you make of it.
7. Never become so grown up that you are too old to show affection to your family. Some of my greatest memories are of putting my arms around my Daddy's neck and kissing his cheek. Even when I was 30 years old.
8. Learn to drive a stick shift. Own a convertible at least once in your life.
9. Do something generous anonymously. Never tell a soul. It will give you much more pleasure than the recipient.
10. Open doors for girls. Always. We like that.
11. Learn at least one other language, and as soon as possible.
12. Never become too grown up to get muddy, climb a tree, or run through a sprinkler. Laugh every chance you get.
13. Wherever you go, park in the first available space. Never, ever circle the parking lot looking for a closer space. I'm convinced that most heart attacks are a result of the level of frustration people feel when cruising for a "better" parking space at shopping centers where they intend to walk for miles once they're inside.
14. Understand right away that there's absolutely nothing "sweet" about revenge. I heard once that you should keep your loved ones close and your enemies closer (I think that was Sun-Tzu in the Art of War, actually). It's true. When someone hurts you, knowing more about them will serve you better than revenge. Believe me.
15. Learn to accept compliments gracefully, politely, and without argument. (Just thank them sincerely.)
16. Never hit anyone. Ever. It's never a solution to a problem.
17. Get your heart broken, and go on to love again. Never fear giving your heart away, even if it's been broken before. Never, ever give anyone the power to limit your ability to love.
18. Tell the truth, even when it hurts. Nobody loves a liar. When you're wrong, say so. When you screw up, admit it, and apologize. When you apologize, mean it. Your sincerity and humility will win you immeasurable respect.
19. Feeling afraid doesn't make you a coward. If it did, we'd all be cowards. Facing your fears is the definition of bravery, and few things will make you feel stronger.
20. Learn to appreciate all kinds of music. Not just what everyone else likes. Not all rap is crap, and not all classical is perfect & pure. (But listen to Berlioz's Symphonie Fanastique to hear what pure passion sounds like.)
21. Never tell a girl you're going to call when you aren't going to do it. We hate that. (See #18).
22. Never try to fit in. Anybody can fit in, but it takes someone special to be a trendsetter.
23. Have faith. Faith will show you true joy when you're happy, and it will carry you when your heart is hurting and it seems like your world is collapsing around you.
24. Never love anything that can't love you back. That holds true for possessions, which can become so abundant that they own you instead of the other way around. It especially holds true, though, for the people you let in your life.
25. Take nothing for granted. Life and love and learning and laughter are wonderful gifts. Treasure them.
Welcome to the world, Joey. Buckle up, little guy. It's a wild ride, but it's worth every bump.
Note to self: The fix for a vibrating washing machine is to balance what's inside. The fix for an off-kilter life is the same: Balance what's inside, and then everything will work out fine. (One should take one's own advice to little Joey. Repeat after me, "Physician, heal thyself. Physician, heal thyself.") [grin]