| This section is kinda like that Dear Abby section in your newspaper. You send me your problem in an email, and I tell you how to fix your problem. If you dont have a problem........then make one up. i wanna get a jerry springer atmosphere, or at least Oprah. Ok so send those E-mails to me, and thats cool if they're annnnonymo0se. Just please send me your problems!!! E-mail me at [email protected] |
| Dear ERic... |
| I'm a former member of the funky midget, and that Eric is so mean. He kicked me out after my second song...I thought I was a good vocalist, but he kicked me out! Should I start my own band or beg on my knees to be reinvited to his band? sincerely, Ex-Funky Midgets Band Member what a fool. i'm not sure you realize but the lead singer of the funky midgets (eric X) and the writer of this advice column (Dear Eric) are actually the same person. so i'm gonna have to give you the truth. your voice was crap, unlike my very beautiful singing voice. another reason is bands that lose members make lots of money. think about it: hansen, spice girls, backstreet boys, n*sync, and the beatles. yeah, the funky midgets might be uttered in the same sentence someday. well anyway, i do believe you had some pretty crazy memories of the band, and what better way to remember those sweet memories then to buy the first funky midgets cd today. i bet it was pretty exciting when you got accepted into the band (track 7) or how bout that time when you got kicked out (track 8). remember that one? i know i do. dear eric, i'm a poor pathetic loser thats going to quit working at ritters when i get back from spring vacation. my friend turned in an application to ritters and if he gets a job and i quit he'll be really angry with me. murder comes to mind when i think about how angry he'll be. i don't know what to do but i'm thinking i better keep my job until i find out if my friend gets one or not. Sincerely, A loser yo dude, dont beat yourself up. you remind me a lot of myself, and if you are, then you're probably pretty cool. listen to me. Probably? Ok, i know for a fact that you're the coolest person i've ever known. i just wanna know who's sending your letters with your name on them. am i making sense? are you making sense? Dear Eric, I have a problem and I need your help. I'm a high school senior with no friends! I hang out with these three guys and they are always mean to me. They insult me, make up mean nicknames for me and make fun of me a lot. They say they're just joking around, but deep down I think they mean it. I was wondering if you could tell me how to be cool like you, then maybe they would like me and I would finally be accepted by them. Please help me out! --Loser� Dear Pathetic Miserably Lonely Loser, I get these types of letters a lot. Okay, not really since this is only my third letter, but if I had gotten a lot of letters this would be a very common problem I�m sure. So a senior huh? Yeah that must be pretty pathetic that you hang out with underclassmen�I guess you didn�t say they were underclassmen, but I imagine they are. There is probably a ringleader that they call �the midget.� You should be especially kind to this one, since midgets are everyone�s friends. I suggest that you give �the midget� a daily gift of money or candy. This will in no way stop or even slow the insults, but �the midget� will be happy. And that�s all that matters! Dear Eric, I am dyslexic. only not I can read right things, can't I too write. ok, so I'm not dyslexic. ok so I'm not dyslexic (sorry if I offended those of you who are), but I have a real problem. spirit fingers. I just can't get it. I don't know how to do spirit fingers. what is wrong with me? are there classes where I can learn? do you have to be drunk in order to have spirit fingers? I just don't know how to deal with my lack of ability. I think its cause I'm a dancer who has gone retarded. please help me. ~T-T-T-Torrance aka freakazoid I was truly moved by your letter freakazoid. I sense some tension behind those words. I can recommend a great choreographer named Sparky Palastry. He�s the poo, so take a big whiff. He helped me become a great cheerl�I mean, marching band person. But if for some reason you can�t get along with him (I don�t see how anyone couldn�t) you could always take up drinking. Dear Eric I'm writing this because I don't who else to turn to. I'm having a problem with this friend of mine. You see he's obsessed with his PS2 and he has no life at all. Not only is he a womaniser, but he smells bad too. The stench just rolls off of him like hot jelly. He seems to (oddly enough) look a lot like another friend of mine Eric Williams. I don't know what to do with him. Some how I need to tell him that midget weasels took over his brain. Please help me with this problem. Hopelessly Hopeless, Rettop Yrrah (PS Yvan eht nioj) Dustin has decided to remain anonymous, so I will respect his wishes. This friend of yours must have really good taste in video games. So he�s obsessed with girls, huh? Hot girls I�m guessing. I like to think of this as more of a pro than a con. And that smell; It�s probably the smell of soap. Yes, I assume that your friend bathes regularly (although I am questioning your personal hygiene). This is also a good thing. If you�re really that worried about your friend, then buy him something very special and very expensive to help ease his midget weasel infested brain. |