�I�m not right, I�m not fine
I wanna be rain that taste like wine
I wanna be good, I wanna be great
I wanna be everything except for your mistake
Let me into your view
I wanna know how you see this thing that�s us
I must keep managing my madness over you.�
�I hate trying on clothes.�
Angie looked at me like I was nuts before her attention was called away by some woman who worked for the wedding shop. After a few shared words, she temporarily returned her attention to me.
�I have to go talk to the organizer with Mike. Do you mind��
She trailed off as I gestured for her to leave.
�You have things to do. Go do them. I�ll roam around and stir up trouble.�
She gave me a disapproving look.
�That�s what I�m afraid of.�
And now I�m alone.
In a wedding shop.
Ick.
After she disappeared from my view, I wrapped my arms tightly around my midsection, trying to coerce it into submission as it violently tied itself into knots, and walked quietly down the hall, glancing into the opened doors I passed.
Why am I so nervous all of a sudden?
*
I�ve never been very good at sitting still. My mom always told me I probably have ADD, but who doesn�t these days?
Roaming hallways, although still boring, occupied my attention span much better than sitting and listening to Mike, Angie, and some freakish wedding planner guy argue.
It wasn�t until I turned a corner and found a petite woman dressed in a thin sundress walking slowly through the hallways that I found a redeeming aspect to Mike�s preoccupation with stupid plans.
Before I could think of what I wanted to do or say to her, I�d quickly caught up to Kara and spun her around, a squeal of surprise escaping her mouth. Before she had a chance to say anything, I pulled her against me and held her as tightly as I could, a mixture of fear and anger coursing through my body causing me to shake.
God I missed feeling her in my arms.
�Nick��
I can�t answer you. I�ll say something stupid like �I love you.� Or even worse� something mean like �I hate you for what you�ve turned me into.�
She fought me a bit as I buried my face in her shoulder.
�You�re crushing me Nick.�
I felt my jaw clench even though my head screamed for me to release the death grip I had on her.
�I don�t fucking care.�
*
Oh god. He hates me.
He hates me and he�s trying to kill me.
Then he started crying. And his arms loosened a considerable amount, allowing me to breathe and my ribs to return to their rightful position not lodged into my internal organs.
Yes, Nick, this is a much more sufficient way to kill me.
I closed my eyes, feeling my heart break again as I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him against me.
�I hate you Kara.�
His words barely broke through his tears and his hands clung to me. I closed my eyes against my own torrent of tears, holding them back, and ran my hand through his hair.
�I hate you and I need you and I�m so fucked up now and it�s all your damn fault.�
*
Where the fuck are these words coming from?
My tears stopped even though my breath came out in gasps, and I removed my head from her neck before grabbing her shoulders and pushing her against the wall.
Actually, slammed her against the wall would be a more correct phrase.
I already feel guilty with her looking up at me with actual fear in her eyes, but I can�t stop.
Something broke.
�If you run this time, I will hunt you down and tie you up. Then I�m going to kidnap you and you might not see the light of day for a very long time.�
Her eyes, looking up at me, squinted in fearful confusion. She took a hesitant breath as I tried to control my own, my heart beating as if I�d just gotten off stage.
Almost in slow motion, I reached out and brushed my hand against her cheek, my anger melting away when her eyes fell to the floor.
�I�m sorry.�
*
I couldn�t stand looking at him when he glares at me. I just want to curl up somewhere and pretend none of this is happening.
He brushed his thumb under my eye and for the first time, I realized I hadn�t held the tears back as well as I�d thought.
�Why Kara?�
Closing my eyes, I wrapped my arms back around my stomach and pulled away from him.
�I��
How am I supposed to respond to a question I don�t even know the answer to?
�What?�
Prompting� that always helps.
�Hey Kara!�
I snapped my head to where Angie stood farther down the hallway, looking at the two of us oddly.
We�ve just met and we�re having secret, intimate conversations. Or at least that must be what it looks like to her.
�Yeah?�
�Need your help tasting cake. Nick, you can help too.�
*
Slipping away from me with only one glance back, I watched Kara walk towards Angie, staring at the floor as she ran her hand absentmindedly through her hair.
Why do I feel so deflated by that? I have an entire week to get that answer out of her.
Maybe because the sooner I get an answer, the sooner I can have her?
Disheartened, I followed the two girls as my thoughts drifted to somewhere else.
I still need her.
�I left you waiting
At the least could we be friends?
Should have never started
Ain�t that the way it always ends?
On my life I�ll try today
There�s so much I�ve felt I should say
But even if your heart would listen
I doubt I could explain.�