When Toshiya awoke, he was more than a little surprised to find himself on the sofa with Kyo in his arms. Then he remembered the night before. Touched by the blond's actions, he gently tried to remove himself from the embrace. In shifting position, he knocked the remote off the armrest, which fell to the floor with a clatter. Wincing, Toshiya waited for Kyo to stir, but there was no change in his state of consciousness.
In fact, Toshiya found he could quite easily stand up, and leave Kyo on the sofa with out him even hinting that he may wake. So Toshiya took a quick shower, put on a change of clothes and started making some breakfast.
It was the smell of pancakes cooking that caused Kyo's eyes to flutter open. Where was he? The confusion continued until he recognised his surroundings as Toshiya's apartment. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he stood up, stretched and made his way to the kitchen, where the smells were coming from. Suppressing chuckles, he watched from the doorway as Toshiya danced around the kitchen to music on the radio. Eventually, he couldn't take it any longer.
"Oh so that�s how you cook pancakes." Toshiya span round and gave an embarrassed grin.
"But of course. Although if you want any, you'll have to be politer than that." He chided, waving a spatula.
"Fine." Kyo grinned nervously. Why had all that just seemed so natural? "Thanks for letting me stay.."
"Thanks for staying. Pancake?" Toshiya flipped another one onto a plate.
"Yes please." He accepted the food, and the both of them ate furiously, as much to fill the silence as their stomachs.
"Well� I better get going. Back to my world of social ineptness."
"Nothing planned for today then?"
"If there's one thing you're going to learn about me, is I never have anything planned."
"Me either."
"I err� I don't suppose you'd want to come over to my place? It's a little messy but-"
"I'd love to. Where is it?"
"Just round the corner, you know around the back of the science labs?"
"Really? You work there, right?"
"Yeah, Die too..." Toshiya locked up, pulled on a jumper and they set out.
*
"You live here?" Toshiya giggled.
"What's wrong with here?" Kyo's pout had already started to settle in.
"Nothing. If you like slums."
"Well I like slums." Toshiya sighed and followed Kyo up several flights of stairs. The place stunk of urine and hash. When they eventually stopped outside a door, Toshiya braced himself for the worst.
The door swung open. Inside was� dark. Then Kyo turned on the lights. It was small and messy, but not dirty like the building in which it resided. They stepped inside.
Kyo seemed to weave in and out of the piles on the floor about as naturally as a fish through the sea. When he got to the main body of the flat, he turned to Toshiya.
"Do you want any thing to eat or drink?"
"Water?"
"Sure." Kyo moved into the kitchen. There was a thud from outside. "That's okay. I was going to re-arrange that one anyway." He came back out.
"Sorry." Mumbled a blushing Toshiya as he tried to shuffle things back into a pile.
"I said it's fine. Die's the only other person on earth that can navigate this place." He grinned, passing Toshiya a tall glass of water. He put his on the table and moved some paper off the couch so that Toshiya could sit down. It was quite a nice apartment. There was a moderate television with a games-console hooked up to it. It was well kept, except for the piles. They seemed to be everywhere, even attached to the walls at some points, pictures and writing, frantically and untidily put together.
"Listen, if I leave you here a second, I'm just going to take a shower. You can put the television on or something. Sorry." Kyo looked down and shuffled into the bathroom. As the whirr of falling water started, Toshiya turned the television on. He gazed a second, until he realised it was some boring documentary. He looked around for a remote, but failed to see one amongst the paper. As the realisation dawned that he would probably never find the remote and her fell into a state of nervous boredom, he picked up a piece of paper and read.
"Hey Devil-san just try and tag me,
Young days spent playing at Gion.
Everyday Every Night rocked back and forth
on your back facing the new moon, with a lullaby"
Intrigued, he picked another pile and a random piece of paper.
"You want to spread your wings and fly, dreaming of the swallowtail butterfly.
You would seem to suit your shed skin... .daydream�
Hit by the pounding rain, you couldn't move anymore
You're just waiting to become food... .my mouth opens."
Another.
"I'm growing impatient
drawing the blood of the masochist
I wait for you, the sadist."
"Toshiya? You okay there?" Kyo wandered in with a towel over his head, drying soggy hair, and still managed to move around every single pile of paper before seating himself next to Toshiya.
"Yeah� Kyo, what is all this�" Toshiya waved a hand around, searching for the right word "�stuff."
A flushed and clean face appeared as Kyo lowered the towel from his head.
"I uh� I write. Poetry, letters, diary entries� in my spare time. Which due to my lack of social life is most of the time."
"Cool. What's it about?"
"What ever I'm feeling. Or what ever is in my head. It's kind of therapeutic, since I stopped seeing my shrink. You get what ever is bugging you out onto a page. You should try it some time"
"Perhaps I will. Usually when I was feeling glum, Miki would set up dare games with Shinya and I. It was great. One time Miki had to let Shinya give her a makeover. Now if you never laughed at any moment in your life, you'd still have to laugh then. He took about eighteen years of feeling like he should be a girl and put it all on her face. She looked just like a doll. I have the Polaroid knocking around at home. I'll show you some time." Toshiya sighed. Those had been good times. He let his eyes flicker around the room. They rested on a framed picture, which seemed strangely organised on a wall that was otherwise covered in scraps of paper. "What's that?" He stood up and carefully walked over to the wall.
"My graduation photo."
Toshiya stared more carefully at the four figures.
"Oh yeah. The little one is you. Who could miss the hair?" he giggled "And the one next to you is� Die? That's Die right?"
"Yeah."
"God, he looks so different with black hair."
"Yeah, I guess he does."
"And the two adults?"
"Die's parents."
"Oh. Aww, they look so happy."
"It was a really great day. Die's parents had always dreamed that he would get great grades and graduate with flying colours. And he did."
"And your parents?"
"I don't have a Father. And my Mother� she couldn't make it there."
"Awww." Toshiya pouted for a second, a facial expression well known to Kyo's face. "That's sad."
"Maybe. Die's family is really nice though. When ever I stayed round there� They'd treat me like their own son."
"It must be great to be so close. Did you know Die from when you were little?"
"Well yeah, but we weren't friends until high school."
"How come?"
"We came from different social groups. Die was very popular. He's very charismatic and funny. I er� came from a social group of me. And Die didn't help much."
"What do you mean?"
"On many an occasion, I was on the receiving end of his jokes. One day, he went too far and I uh� punched him. I don't punch people all the time!" Kyo squirmed under Toshiya's incredulous look. "Really! Anyway, we got into a fight that landed us both in detention. Then we worked out that if I stood on his shoulders, we could move the clock forward when the teacher was out the room. We cut half an hour off the detention time. Took all our strength to leave the classroom straight-faced. After that, we got on better. Ha, you wouldn't believe the amount of screaming fan-girls he had. Couldn't keep a girl though. Or he never wanted to. I think even back then somewhere, he knew he was gay."
"Yeah� sexuality is a weird thing."
"You said it. It's great that he's found Shinya. They really seem to have hit it off. Even Die's long term relationships haven't seemed to pull through. But with Shinya� well I've never heard Die talk about one person for so long."
"Really? That's so sweet. Shinya's really excited. He deserves someone nice."
"Doesn't everyone?"
"I� I suppose. It's just not that simple. I mean look at me� Miki is my best friend in the world. We thought we might as well take it further. You know, like soul mates should be. But it didn't work out, and neither of us knows why. And then she's found her Danna-Sama. And I think she loves him. She really does."
"And you?"
"I kept looking for that special girl. But on the way a man found me, and that was Kaoru. And I thought he was amazing. Turned my bleeding world around. You know when you first meet someone, and you go all starry eyed, and your legs turn to jelly? That's what being in love with him was like. But everyone was in love with him. Do you have to question why? With cheekbones like that, he could have the world on their knees. And frequently he did. Then I would walk in on it and there would be a rumpus. But I'd forgive him, because I wanted starry eyes and jelly knees. But I guess I realised the point where I needed to stand on my own legs and see with my own eyes, but they were preoccupied with him. There was the one last straw, and it was over. Obviously he doesn't agree, as you witnessed last night. But I know he can get over it. He'll find someone else who will love him. And eventually, I hope I will too." Toshiya chuckled. "Did I just say all that?"
"'Heh, yep."
"Feels better though. To have it off my chest. How about you?"
"Me?" squeaked Kyo.
"Yeah you. How come you never hooked up with your soul mate? What was the bump in your road?"
"Um� I guess I was. I'm too uncomfortable around new people to really hit it off with anyone. So I've never tried. I guess that means I've never had my heart broken� I met some girls, friends of Die. Had the odd crush. But I knew they would never work out. I don't think I was really in love with them. Just attracted to their pretty faces, how loud they were and the possibility that one of them may feel the same way towards me. It never would have worked out. I'm just not anyone's type is all."
"Surely its not that bad?"
"Nope, never fallen in love."
"Wow." There was a moment of silence. Never fallen in love? Kyo sighed irritably as his damp hair fell into his eyes once more. Toshiya chuckled.
"Why don't you tie it back?"
"Like a pony tail? Nah, it's too short. It would just fall out all at the front. And it makes my head look squarer, if that's even possible."
"Ha! Let me try. I've spent nearly forever doing other people's hair in the dressing rooms." Toshiya grabbed Kyo's brush and started at his hair with it.
"Ow!"
"Sorry! My God, what do you do to it to make it such a tangle? I'll try and be gentler." Toshiya brushed yellow hair back off Kyo's face, finally getting a clear view of Kyo's face, admiring the smooth shape of it, noting the small crack of a scar that ran faintly from just above the left eyebrow into the recesses of his hairline.
"Fine. You just sounded like-"
"Your mother?"
"No� Die� he brushed my hair one time. But at the time it was beyond a hay stack."
"And not much has changed. What happened there?" Toshiya indicated the scar.
"Oh� just an accident when I was a kid�. Fell over I guess. Luck for me it doesn't show behind the haystack."
"Heh� it's not that bad. See? I already got it back into a ponytail." Toshiya slipped a band off his wrist and onto Kyo's hair. "Look at me." No sooner had Kyo moved his head than his fringe fell out and back all over his face. "Pssh!"
"Told you." Kyo chuckled, shaking the band from his hair. "It's just awkward."
"Like you, you mean. Hmmm. Every problem has its answer. I� hmmm. Wait a sec." Toshiya rummaged in his coat pockets. His hands emerged with several coloured clips. "Look! They're Shinya's, but I'm sure he won't mind you borrowing them."
"They're girls' clips."
"And?"
"It may have escaped you're attention, but I am not a girl. Or Shinya."
Toshiya made a face.
"So humour me. It's fine. Listen, I'll just put them on you, and you can take a look, and if you don't like them, you can take them off again. Yeah?"
"Fine." Kyo sucked at a lip piercing in a mock sulk. Toshiya set about smoothing Kyo's fringe into two separate locks, which he then clipped down to the side of his head.
"There! And the back is still all spiky. All criteria filled. What do you think?" Toshiya flipped out a mirror from his pocket.
Kyo screwed his face up.
"I look like a school girl gone horribly wrong."
"Hehehe." He stroked the bleached hair into place. "Looks fine. If you looked like a school girl I'd be worried."
"Easy for you to say. All you beautiful people. You could probably wear a dead skunk on your head and it would still look great. Unfortunately, unlike yourself, I was never born to accessorise." He pulled the clips out of his hair
"What are you talking about? You're just as cute as Shinya!"
"I am not cute!"
"Are so! Who couldn't love this face? Why your mother must have cried to see something so adorable punch his face full of metal." This seemed to strike a nerve. Kyo's face changed from jocularly irritated to distant and cold. "I�" Toshiya stammered, unsure of what he had said. "I didn't mean to� What I mean is, this face is beautiful. I don't know why you hide it behind studs and hair." He leant in close, stroking the blond bangs out of the way in an almost maternal fashion.
"Because�" Kyo stammered, battling with the urge to spill, and the need to keep it to himself. His mouth remained half-open as silent air escaped it. Toshiya suddenly felt the need to end the desperation there, and he pressed his lips against Kyo's. Kyo was so shocked that for a second he didn't move. He had never been kissed before. He had fantasised about it, that he'd kiss a girl - sometimes one of Die's acquaintances, sometimes a girl entirely of his own concoction, girlfriends he never had. He had never thought that his first kiss would be like this - be with a man. The reality of the situation kicked in. He pushed Toshiya away from him.
"W-what are you doing?" Kyo cried, wiping his mouth with a sleeve, the world spinning around him.
"I�" Toshiya backed up rapidly, unsure of why he'd just done what he had. "I'm sorry� didn't you like it?"
"I don't like men like that!"
"I�" There was a moment as Toshiya seemed to rethink the situation. "I know� I'm sorry. My emotions are screwy at the moment. I don't know what I was thinking� I'll go." He grabbed his coat and stumbled towards the door, knocking over piles of paper as he went. "I'm sorry!" He opened the door and ran out, hit immediately with the stench of the apartment block, he held his breath and kept on running.
Back in his apartment, Kyo was brushing his teeth. What the fuck had all that just meant? He pushed all his hair back into his face, covering eyes that were filling with tears. No one needed to see his face. Why did he hide it? Why the studs and the rings and the hair?
"Because�" he would finish the sentence he started, now that he was alone. "Because she hated it. Because she never loved it, so I changed it. So now I'm me. I'm me and she doesn't get to tell me how much she hates me." Then he realised how stupid all that sounded. He had left all that behind. And when he'd left it, he'd changed himself, so that he could never, ever go back. He decided to stop the angst, wiping his tears with his sleeve and sniffing loudly, he went back into the living room and started to write.
*
What was he thinking? Toshiya threw his coat to the floor and tossed his hair out of his face in irritation. He had been thinking� That he quite liked Kyo. That ever since the club, Kyo had been great. A fleeting crush? Toshiya didn't want a rebound relationship. But was he on the rebound? He had loved Kaoru. Did he still love Kaoru? He didn't need him any more. Kyo was so� different. Kaoru had always realised his beauty, and the fact that Kyo could never accept his made him all the more� appealing. Damn the straightness. Toshiya pouted. Now he'd gone and pushed things too far, and Kyo wouldn�t want to spend time with him. He needed a smoke.
He walked over to a window and opened it, sitting down and taking a packet of cigarettes and a lighter from his pocket. The habit of smoking out of the windows was a reluctant one, but Shinya always complained that the place reeked after. He inhaled deeply, holding it for a second before letting his breath go, watching the smoke curl off into the air. What the fuck was he going to do now? For a second, his worries drifted like his smoke in the breeze. He lost track of how long he was sitting there.
But he was pulled back to the real world like a buzz on the intercom. Flicking his cigarette onto the damp street below, He dragged himself over to the intercom and spoke into it.
"Yes?"
"It's Kyo."
"Oh." What should he do? What should he say?
"Can I come up?"
"Sure." Toshiya took his finger off the intercom button. What was going on? He waited nervously, wringing his fingers and wishing that he still had his cigarette. There was a knock at the door. When opened it revealed an equally nervous Kyo.
"I�"
"Come in." Toshiya stepped back as Kyo nodded and entered the flat. After closing the door, Toshiya turned to find Kyo standing, and looking straight at him. He started to speak.
"Kyo� I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but about what happened just now� I-"
"Can we forget it?"
"What?"
"I was freaked, but I sat down and wrote, and thought about it and figured that I enjoy spending time with you. I want you as a friend. But I'm not gay. And the kiss�" Kyo looked up from the floor. Toshiya could not see his eyes through hair that he decided was deliberately brushed into Kyo's face. "Can we forget and start again?
"Eeee! Yes!" Kyo as nearly lifted off of his feet by a super hug from Toshiya. Then he was let go of very quickly. "Sorry� I just really like having you as a friend and I want to keep you." Kyo raised an eyebrow. "-as a friend. I meant as a friend."
The incredulous look continued.
"What? I believed you about the punching!"
Kyo chuckled and brushed at least some of his hair off of his face. The truth is, he wanted be friends with Toshiya� he would forgive, what ever the crime. But Toshiya didn't need to know that. To his own irritation, and to some extent, relief, Kyo realised Toshiya already knew� didn't he? Who could stay mad at that face?
"Fine. I believe you. Just don't try any funny stuff."
"Not even a little?"
"Nope."
"Awww. Fine then."
"I'm sure you'll cope. However, I have to go home and sleep."
"Yeah� Me too actually. Shinya and I are doing an earlier showing tonight, so I have to be all charismatic and energetic and various other things ending in 'tic'. I�" Toshiya opened the door and lingered there as Kyo stood in the doorway. "I'll call you tomorrow."
"Okay." Kyo allowed himself to be hugged, returning it shyly. As the realisation dawned on him that Toshiya was possibly enjoying the hug too much for his own good, Kyo broke loose.
"Goodbye Toshiya."
"Goodbye." Toshiya watched Kyo until the elevator doors prevented it. Then he sighed and went back inside. What to wear? He wasn't getting any younger, and the job was not paying any better. He looked at himself in the mirror. Miki always chided him for his skinny build. He slung on a baggy jumper and packed his bag ready for later. Then he went to his bed and slept well, making up for the troubled night previous.
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