"Oh fuck�" Toshiya's words were a despairing moan.
"Well-"
"-Don't you start! Haven't you done enough already?" The blood rushed to Toshiya's face as if his mind could not decide how to direct this large amount of emotion.
"What? What have I done now? I thought you wanted�" Kaoru looked just as alluring when confused as he did the rest of the time.
"Oh! Kaoru, why the hell do you think I invited you over today?" Toshiya was shouting now. He was just so angry. At Kaoru, at himself. At everything.
"About the other night."
"Yes. That�s a part of it. I needed to clarify things with you."
"That there's still something between us?"
"That there's nothing between us!"
"That�s not what it felt like." Kaoru pouted. "Felt like there was plenty-"
"Yeah well it would, wouldn't it? Why do you have to keep pursuing this? This is what I wanted to tell you. That things are over. Everything is over between you and me. And I need to make a new start. And you can't be a part of that."
"Toshiya�" Kaoru reached out for Toshiya's arm, but Toshiya stepped back, away. He couldn't get close again.
"Get away from me! I tried to let you be a part of my life, but that just didn't work, did it? You have to leave me alone!"
"Will you make your bleeding mind up? One minute your hand is very nearly in my underwear, and the next you say you never want to see me again!"
"Yes well your first statement leads to the other. I can't deal with wanting you Kaoru. I don't want to want you. I loved you Kaoru. I loved you so much, and you broke my heart over and over until there was nothing left. What you always re-ignite is just old ashes. You can make a spark if you try hard enough, but there's nothing left to burn. Just memories. There's nothing left, so stop everything and let it lie. I can't do this - I can't have you trying for it, making me try too. It's not going to work. So let me go."
"Oh so now I'm the baddie? You're the one that keeps leading me on-"
"And I don't want to be leading you on! I don't want to hurt you or hurt me, or hurt anyone else for that matter. That's why this whole thing has to stop all together, or it will just keep going and going like a loop in time. We just have to be apart. There are plenty more fish in the sea for you, you know that as well as I do. And as for me� well I need a fresh start. Do you understand?"
"Is this about him?"
Toshiya tried to act oblivious.
"About who, Kaoru? I could ask the same to you about him, her, him, him and her."
"You know who I mean. Kyo. Is this about him?"
Toshiya inhaled and then let the breath out slowly.
"Yes. Yes it is. Now leave me, please, and just don't come back."
"But-"
"Leave."
"I� Fine. If this is what you want. Fine. But don't think I'll want anything to do with you when you want me back. I don't have to put up with this shit you know. I'm already gone" He turned and stormed from the apartment, slamming the door so hard it bounced open again. Toshiya let out a long and painful breath. That had been too difficult. And Kyo. Oh God, what about Kyo?
*
Die pulled up in front of Toshiya's speedily, bumping up the curb and jolting back down again before finally coming to a stop. He and Shinju had rushed all the way from his place, and her frantic directions had not helped to curb the panic. They un-buckled and jumped out of the car, Die fumbling with the lock as Shinju ran up to the door, punching in the key-code and holding the door open until Die caught up and followed her inside.
"It's only a couple of floors up, let�s take the stairs. Follow me." Die nodded as Shinju walked swiftly towards the stairs. She moved so naturally, Die observed and admired, in a moment's lack of focus as he mindlessly followed her, beginning the climb of the stairs. Somewhere far above them, there was a large slam, and the sound of stamping feet could be heard pounding angrily down the stairs. Shinju stopped and turned round to give a questioning look to Die, who shrugged accordingly. She was about to start upwards once more when Kaoru stormed past.
He was all a fluster, an angry expression glaring from under his purple fringe. His slinky movement radiated frustration and he did not even stop to acknowledge either Shinju or Die, sweeping past at such a speed that Shinju nearly over-balanced down the stairs. Die's pressed gently along her back, helping her steady. She looked at Kaoru's rapidly disappearing figure and looked back at Die.
"What the hell was that all about?" he asked.
"I think we're a little late. Come on, we'd best get up there�" Shinju started again, a quicker pace this time, her trainers stamping on the carpet of the stairs. Die followed as Shinju wound up the staircase and turned off abruptly, looking frantically up the corridor. Toshiya's door hung wide open.
"Hello?" Shinju called warily. She took gentle steps towards the door and peeked round the doorframe. Toshiya was sitting on the edge of the sofa, staring at a stain on the coffee table. "Toshiya?" Toshiya looked round suddenly, and smiled weakly, returning his gaze to the table. Shinju slipped in, Die close behind. "We just saw Kaoru� what happened?"
"We� I� oh God. Look, I was going to tell Kaoru that it was all over, that he couldn't be a part of my life any more- and I have, now, but before that� we kissed." Toshiya let out a sigh, looking up and into Shinju's eyes. "We kissed and Kyo saw."
"Shit." Shinju put Toshiya's thoughts straight into a simple word.
"But where's Kyo now?" Die's previous panic was now over ridden by concern. He swallowed his anger at Toshiya. The situation needed taking control of.
"I don't know." Toshiya looked miserable. "He ran off before I could say anything. He's not answering his phone either. What have I done?"
"Well you've set Kaoru straight now? Haven't you? He didn't look best pleased when we saw him just a few minutes ago."
"Kaoru and I are through� I think he's as clear on that as he ever will be. But that's not what is important. I've wrecked everything with Kyo now� I don't know where he's gone- I just want to explain� how I feel. He probably doesn't ever want to talk to me again. Oh God�"
"We have to find him." Die's words were soft but firm. "I don't care what he wants to do after that. But you know what he's like. He becomes so wrapped up in escaping� And look-" Die pointed to the window. "It's just started tipping it down."
"I'll help�" Toshiya noticed Die's discerning look. "I'm sorry alright? �I need to know that he's okay. Plus, two cars increase the chances of finding him. Please?"
"�Okay." Die nodded. "But I'm not happy� that he's hurt. I just don't want him to die of pneumonia as a result. Shinju, you can come with me."
Shinju nodded and Toshiya noticed then, that there was something there now, something that had not been there previously. But now was neither the time nor the place.
"Where could he be?"
"Anywhere." Replied Die. "He knows this city like the back of his hand� it was his world when he was a kid� his escape. He showed me when we were younger, places he knew� I don't know if Kyoto even knew they were there. We'll just have to look for him, and hope he's not got too far away."
Toshiya nodded weakly and then reached for his keys.
"Lets go."
*
Kyo was not sure how far away he'd gone. He wasn't really thinking, just wandering. He felt a vague awareness of the rain that poured down from the skies like a dam had been broken. The cigarettes in his pocket were soggy and of no use to him. Kyo wasn't really feeling anything, just trudging. He turned a corner and ducked a beam of wood leaning against a wall without thinking about it. Turned another corner. The sound of wet feet in wet socks in wet shoes squelching as he moved did not seem relevant. His vision was bleary from the rain on his glasses, but he knew where he was going. He wrapped his jumper round him tighter and kept moving.
*
Die turned at yet another junction, knuckles tightening on the wheel as he strained his neck this way and that, looking along the grey torrents of rain and the hustling bodies trying to escape it, searching for one figure and one figure alone.
"I have to find him�" He had thought the words stayed in his head, but Shinju responded.
"I know. I know." Her words were soft as only she could manage, a carefully manicured hand resting itself on Die's knee, scratching lightly in an attempt to soothe. "And you will. The battery on his phone's run out, and he's probably gone home-"
"No, Toshiya's already checked there."
"Well then he's waiting for a bus. It'll be okay - you know that." They slowed to a halt at some traffic lights and Die turned to meet her eyes. Shinju smiled.
"I know." He dropped a hand from the steering wheel to Shinju's, holding her hand tightly to his knee "I'm sorry."
"That's okay. I know you must be frustrated�"
"I just� I wanted Kyo to be happy� and now Toshiya�"
"He didn't mean to."
"But he did."
"He never wanted to hurt Kyo. You know Toshiya would never want that. This has just been a horrible string of bad timing, and Kyo was caught in the middle. We'll find him." Die nodded.
"Sorry." He squeezed nervously. "Thank you."
"No problem. What are girlfriends for anyway?"
"Hah. Do you know how long it's been since I had a girlfriend? I was like, sixteen!"
"Well you should get used to it."
"Mmm. I like the sound of that." Die squeezed again, leaning over a second and planting a kiss on Shinju's cheek before the traffic started to move again, and with it, the worry returned. "We'll find him soon enough. And it will be okay."
*
Toshiya let out a sigh, as much sorrow as desperation, racking his brains for somewhere else to look. He'd checked Kyo's flat, checked the roads he knew that lead back there. He had glanced in caf�s and shop windows. The number of places that Kyo could be was diminishing. Kyo didn't get out an awful lot, there weren't a great deal of places he would go. Toshiya's next plan was checking out the piercing parlours. The amount of metal Kyo had meant that surely he must have some stable connections.
He peered through large glass window after large glass window, quickly running out of piercing parlours he knew of. Toshiya fiddled with his hair nervously and his finer brushed against his earring. He had yet to check the place he got his ear done at, so he took the appropriate turnings until he found the vaguely familiar road that he'd run down in the rain with Kyo's hand in his. There was no sign of him there. Desolately he continued down the road, turning at the next junction. It was raining now, heavier than it had been then and he pulled over to sit and sulk. He was by the park that he and Kyo had sat before the rain had started, and it made him more frustrated still, that he couldn't keep his big mouth away from Kaoru's. He scanned the park dejectedly, there was a woman running, newspaper over her head, and a man in a rain coat walking his dog - apparently oblivious to the weather.
And catching Toshiya's eye, on the bench below the biggest tree sat a small figure, a figure that look ever so familiar. Kyo's blond hair had darkened from the rain, turning a soggy sort of straw colour, but it was still visible against the greens and browns and faded flower colours of the park. Toshiya's heart leapt. He dialled for Die.
"Die? Die I've found him-"
"Oh thank God! Where is-"
"I have to talk to him. Die please- I just want to say I'm sorry. I'll try and get him out of the rain. If I can't, you can come and pick him up."
"Toshiya- please, just don't. Leave him be, haven't you done enough?"
"I need to make it right, okay?"
"What makes you think you can fix him?!" Die's frustration was rising fast. He just wanted to keep Kyo safe.
"What makes you think he needs fixing!?" Toshiya said, exasperated. "I just need to say what I need to say, and the longer we argue about it, the longer he is out there in the cold! Now just because I've fucked up does not mean I care any less about Kyo! And I'm going to go and at least try to see if he is okay. I'll update you later. Goodbye." Blinking back a few careless tears, Toshiya slipped his phone back into his pocket and let out a sigh. Then he turned off the engine, put the keys in his other pocket, opened the door and stepped out of the car.
The rain hit him hard and cold and wet. His jacket was waterproof at least, it had been raining when he left the house and he had come prepared. He did the zip up and closed the car door quietly as if afraid the sound might startle Kyo into flight. Kyo didn't move however, and so Toshiya started walking over.
The grass squelched underfoot and Toshiya shoved both his hands in his pockets, resenting the cold air. Kyo was coming clearer into view now, his clothes were soaked by the look of it, and his hair was sopping wet, stuck down to his head and face in soggy locks. He sat on the bench with his knees pulled up to his chin, staring at the ground or something beyond it, his glasses a mottled combination of steam and water drops. Toshiya stopped walking about a meter away from Kyo and stood still for a moment, awaiting some sort of response. It did not come.
"Kyo�" Toshiya spoke. Kyo did not. He didn't even move. He just blinked and went on staring. "Kyo please- I want to explain. I'm so sorry that you had to see that and� well. Shit." Toshiya sniffed hard. "I know I can't make it up to you but� Kyo-" still there was no response. Toshiya didn't know what to do. He reached out tentatively and touched Kyo's shoulder. He was soaked to the bone. "God Kyo - you're frozen." No reply. "Please, just let me get you out of the cold." He undid his jacket and shrugged out of it, wrapping it as best he could around Kyo's shoulders. In moments his tee shirt was soaked, but it didn't seem important right now. "I can't let you just sit around out here until you catch your death of cold. Come on." He let the touch on Kyo's arm tighten, using another hand on the other shoulder to support Kyo in the motion of standing up. "You don�t have to say anything. I won't say anything if you don't want. But please - just come and sit in the car. Let me drive you home or something. I can't stand to see you out here."
There was a moment's pause before to Toshiya's surprise, Kyo gave in. He let himself be dragged up, uncurling from his tight little position, standing up slowly. He made no effort to clear his glasses, or wipe the hair from his face, so Toshiya took this as a queue to guide him. He exerted just a little pressure on Kyo's back and held on to his arm, walking slowly towards the car. He didn't entirely understand what he was doing, or what he was going to do when he finally got Kyo into the car, but he knew that this was some sort of response - some sort of progress. It couldn't be bad. He kept walking.
*
In the car, Toshiya started the engine and turned the heaters on. He'd sat Kyo down in the passenger seat, not daring to move him further. He opened his mouth to speak and then stopped. Kyo started to shiver. Toshiya nearly reached over again, and then stopped himself. He didn't know what to do. He felt like he had to make some sort of assertive gesture.
"Look Kyo, I don't know what to say to you right now right now� but there's so much I have to say." The silence seemed to last an age. In response, Kyo turned to face Toshiya. He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again. Then very quietly
"There's nothing to talk about."
Toshiya pursed his lips, his head reeling with confusion. What was going on? Kyo was upset� that was clear. Wasn't it? He tried again.
"We're both cold and wet. Let's go back to mine, I'll sort you out with some clothes or something� we just need to talk, I think. About� well� lets just get there shall we?"
Kyo nodded again, this time forcing a smile. Toshiya started to drive back home.
*
Kyo sat on Toshiya's sofa, drowning in a huge blanket Toshiya had wrapped around him. He felt sick. Toshiya sat down on the coffee table facing him and handed him a hot drink. Kyo didn't drink it, but wrapped his sleeve-covered hands around the ceramic walls of the mug and breathed in its heat. Toshiya leaned forward; resting his elbows on his knees and taking a long gulp of his drink. He looked long and hard at Kyo, who avoided his eyes temporarily before staring shyly back behind the tin silver rims of his glasses.
"So�" Toshiya started. "Where to begin?" Kyo shrugged in response. "Well let's start with me explaining� shall we? Kaoru and I� well it's not like-"
"Listen." Kyo spoke softly. "Don't act like you need to justify these things. It was inevitable that you and Kaoru would get back together in the end, he's good looking and charming. As your friend you can tell me anything, so don't act as if there's something you need to cover up-"
"But there isn't! And we're not!" Toshiya gave an exasperated look and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "That's what this whole thing was about� Kaoru was getting ideas about him and me, so I invited him over to make sure he knew it was over�"
"And pulling on the sofa was just your way of saying goodbye?" Kyo couldn't help but let his cynicism seep through. He should have known better than to hold out hope for Toshiya. "I'm sorry, it's really none of my business�"
"Don't you want it to be?" Toshiya's response was quiet and hurt. Too quiet for Kyo to hear it properly.
"What?"
"I said, I want you to know. I'll have to explain everything, and I don't really want to, but there we go. Kaoru has� influence. He was a big part of my life� he knows me too well and unknowingly he uses that to push my buttons. So I� well it's my fault for giving in. I'm not trying to shirk responsibility. But after you� you ran away the other night� was that from me?"
Now Kyo looked away, the slight movement of his head causing more of his devious fringe to cover his face in thick wet bangs of hair.
"Please?" Toshiya continued. "I want to know, because you're my friend, and what bothers you bothers me." Kyo looked down at the coffee mug he had yet to drink from and pushed his glasses further up his nose.
"Yes and no." His voice was almost as quiet as Toshiya's had been, and twice as careful. "I was running away from you� but I was running away from me as well."
Toshiya moved forward, placing a hand on Kyo's, genuine concern taking over from the big picture.
"What do you mean?" Kyo's hand twitched and then moved from Toshiya's grasp as he sat up.
"Well you� you confuse me. And then me, I'm confused. I mean, I'm not sure what to make of that� and the other night, I had to go - I had to escape the claustrophobia of my own thoughts� it wasn't aimed at you, I'm sorry. And then you and Kaoru�"
"But Kaoru and I� I've told him. He's gone now, hopefully for good�" Kyo gave him eye contact again, a querying look in his eyes.
"But why? You guys were friends and obviously there's still something�"
"Lust! Lust is all there is� all there was,"
"-still-"
"-Look there's other reasons, okay? I don't love Kaoru any more. I think I like someone else. That's why it all had to stop."
"I see." Kyo was left wondering who this mysterious figure of Toshiya's affection was. They had certainly missed his attention, whoever they were. He sighed, knowing he could surely not compete with one he did not even know.
"So�" Toshiya trod carefully. "How do I confuse you? I never want to drive you away."
"Well you� you do things. And say things. Just little things� but they stay, in my head-" Kyo paused, pacing himself. "And none of it will go away. And that confuses me."
"I�" Toshiya wasn't exactly sure what he was hearing. "What is it about me that you find scary? What is there to confused about? I'm a simple guy. I like to dance and I like to laugh� and I like you."
Kyo nodded dismally. He would forever be the friend.
"I like you too Toshiya� no one has ever become such a good friend so fast. You've shown me so much�" He looked down at the mug in his hands again, his drink having gone cold. "I don't know what I can give you in return."
"Kyo�" Toshiya had realised Kyo's misinterpretation of what he had said, but he didn't know if it was intentional. "since we met� what has changed?"
He sat and thought. Everything had changed. Could he say that?
"So much. So much has changed. I feel much closer to you now� much closer to myself."
"How close, Kyo?" Toshiya edged further off the coffee table, his knees just an inch away from Kyo's. "How much do you think has changed for me?"
Kyo shrugged. "Not an awful lot. I just feel� stronger? Towards you."
Toshiya stopped, searching for eye contact behind glasses and a fringe of sodden blond. He couldn't find it, and he sighed. "Look, I can't drag this out much longer. I've been dropping hints for months, hoping that you'd care. I tried too hard at first, I know - and you told me� you told me you couldn't feel that way towards me� I kissed you. Remember? You were so perfect and secretive and I wanted to make you happy so I kissed you. And you ran away. Do you-"
"I remember.
"You told me you wanted to be friends and I said that was fine, but I lied."
"So you don't want to be friends? Toshiya I� look if you want me to go away, like you wanted Kaoru to go away� I have to tell you something. If I've got nothing left to lose, then I guess you should know. I�" Kyo looked up, a connection between dark brown eyes passing strong emotions that sparked like lightening. He drew in a deep breath. "I think that I like you� as more than a friend. I know that's why you sent Kaoru away. But I've been watching quietly, and I think I like you. I've never felt this sort of thing before�" Kyo looked away, readjusting the grip on his mug. "But why drag all this up? It's not like you need to know. You said you liked someone new?" Kyo couldn't help but show his agitation. He didn't know if he could bear to hear a name, listen to a face, a personality being described.
Toshiya reached forward and grabbed Kyo's arm - passionate all of a sudden, and frustrated.
"God Kyo how fucking oblivious can you be?! You're dense even for a guy! I like you! I want you! I have since the beginning. I've dropped clues like a tonne of bricks and you never seem to notice! I thought you didn't care."
Kyo wrenched free.
"Don't placate me! How can you say that when under an hour ago you were ready to jump into bed with Kaoru? It doesn't matter, okay? You don't have to say anything, I just thought you should know. You don't have to try and make me feel better about it, I'm confused enough as it is." Kyo started to shiver again.
"Oh why can't you believe me!" Toshiya tried again, cupping a hand to Kyo's face and forcing the blond to look back at him. "I was intrigued by you the moment I saw you and the moment I saw that no one else seemed to see you. You didn't want anything to do with anyone and I'd never seen anything like it. And you seem to care about everything, and you've been through so much, and your eyes say so, like they do now, and I think that�s beautiful. I'm just a guy, Kyo, just a guy and I think I love you. Now if you like me or not is irrelevant, because I just want you to know that I want you to be with me. That's why I was getting rid of everything else, I wanted a fresh start. With you. I want to keep you safe and be kept safe by you. I want to make you laugh and be made to laugh by you. I want to dance and cry and sing and jog backward round the park with you. And I know it sounds stupid, and you can believe it or not, but it's true."
Kyo just stared back, still shivering with his mouth half-open and wetness shining in his eyes. He shook his head slightly; just millimetres to the left and right, but Toshiya couldn't take it anymore. He brought his other hand forward, along with his whole self, bumping noses with Kyo before pressing his lips against Kyo's hovering mouth. It was such a memory being relived, the desperation and Kyo's little jog of surprise as their faces collided, as if he still hadn't seen it coming despite all that had just been said. Toshiya could feel Kyo's teeth chatter and then be still, stroking his fingers along the angles of Kyo's jaw. Wet hair tickled Toshiya's nose and he stopped, broke contact to survey the response.
Kyo's eyes flicked from Toshiya to elsewhere around the room, as if he were unsure of what to make of anything. He still felt so confused. He sat back, Toshiya quick to follow, placing himself carefully on the sofa next to Kyo. The smaller man let out a breath that he appeared to have been holding for some time.
"You've said a lot�" His words were small and purposeful. "When I first met you� I thought you were beautiful� and I couldn't believe it when you wanted to talk to me. You say you're just a guy� but you seem like so much more than that. You're becoming a part of me� something that I think of when I think of all the little events that make up my day. And I'm so much less. I'm not glamorous or charismatic. I don't understand people, I can't talk to them like you do. I can talk to you� I've told you about so much. So much that next to no one knows about me. But there's so much more that I don't know if I can share with you or anyone. I'm scared of this� of so many things. Even if I were to trust what you say� could you trust what I say now, that I'm not sure I could ever live up to what you need, or what you deserve?"
"Well you have to trust me, because it's true." Toshiya spoke simply and honestly. "And if words come from your mouth I'll trust them without question, but I know that you are what I need. It's like everything that ever happened has been leading up to this, in little ways, just so that I could realise - so that you could realise, if you will, that this can happen. Please believe me when I say all I want is you." Toshiya was hunched close to Kyo, sincerity sparkling in his eyes. Kyo looked back and his expression was unreadable.
"I� I don't know what to say�" Kyo's eyes flicked away for a second but returned, staring Toshiya strongly in the face. "You know I'm scared shitless right about now. Almost every part of me is screaming to run� But then you make a part of me so calm� even when it's you that is making me panic. I want to be here. With you. For you� I want to protect you from all the shit I know is out there. Everything I went through I want to make sure you don't have to. But I don't know if I can� I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm sorry for that. I've never felt this for anyone and well� I remember when you kissed me before, and I remember how I felt. And you kissed me again, and I know how much has changed so� will you do it again... Please?"
Toshiya smiled his wonky smile and leant forward, breathing hot breath on Kyo's face. Kyo moved a centimetre forward and then back a millimetre, unconfident in how to go about things. He pursed his lips and then pouted - an expression Toshiya couldn't resist feeling, pressing his lips hurriedly against Kyo's and smiling into the kiss. Kyo was ready this time, but uncertain, enjoying the soft pressure of Toshiya's mouth and duly noting the slim hands that had miraculously appeared on his shoulders and that clutched slightly, gently.
Kyo tried his hand at kissing back now, pushing his feelings forward through his mouth and onto Toshiya. A tongue pried at his lips cautiously, exploring each piercing in turn. Kyo hesitated before allowing entrance and then reciprocating, allowing everything that was new and foreign to happen slowly. When he broke for air eventually, opening his eyes to see Toshiya's face still smiling, he grinned back. Kyo shuddered with feeling and Toshiya's eyes sparkled with sympathy and mischief.
"Still cold?" He kissed Kyo's nose. "I dare say it has something to do with those wet clothes you're still wearing. Will you- can I- I mean� I want to see you." He bent in again and kissed a compliant mouth, his hand slipping to the buttons at the throat of Kyo's shirt, fidgeting momentarily before tugging one open. Kyo sat back suddenly, eyes widened in shock. Toshiya stopped and then gave a patient smile. "Look, if you don't want to�"
"It's not that� I'm not sure exactly what it is that I want�" Kyo wrapped his hands round Toshiya's taking them away from his shirt. "I don't think� I don't think it's something you want� I'm not one of the beautiful people� and no amount of desire will change that�" he looked away, embarrassed, but the sensation of Toshiya's hands gently undoing another couple of buttons regained his attention. Toshiya smiled with encouragement and adoration.
"I think you're gorgeous" He whispered into Kyo's ear, his fingers still busy at work. "I want this�" A hand tweaked playfully at Kyo's trouser button, inducing a small gasp from Kyo. "Still unsure? I'll go first." Toshiya shifted his weight back, leaning and lifting his baggy tee shirt over his head in one easy movement. His spine arched backwards as he flicked the garment away, showing the curve of his wiry frame, a cage of ribs under caramel skin. He sat back up, straddling Kyo's lap and grinning madly. He gestured over his bare form "See? Nothing to it. Do you like what you see?"
Kyo responded with a nod and a kiss, hesitantly touching naked flesh before holding, stroking, his hands travelling from shoulders down the spine and up again - eagerly and with curiosity.
"Beautiful" He spoke quietly, when he could, shyly allowing button after button of his to be undone. Then his shirt was open, and Toshiya's hands were roaming free, touching and tickling. Kyo relaxed into this mutual exploration until his shirt was slipping from his shoulders "Tattoos�" Toshiya was whispering to himself as much as anyone. Kyo breathed and then tensed with anxiety as his shirt reached his elbows. "-I can't." he shrugged his shirt back up. "You can't see that part of me� it's� not nice. To look at. To know that it's there. I can't deal with your judgement." Kyo's face grimaced with disgust and he was unable to meet Toshiya's gaze. He let his hands drop from around Toshiya's waist and crossed his arms self-consciously, his entire body language turning inwards.
"Hey�" Toshiya was losing Kyo and he could feel it, he tried to regain the smaller man's attention, tugging on Kyo's earring affectionately. "If it's a part of you, a part of who you are� then I love it. You could have webbed fingers and umpteen toes but if it were you, I'd love it."
"No� this shows the worst of me� how weak and how petty. It's my fault." In that one hour back then it had been addictive, something he'd never done before, but each incision had made him surer, provided a more definite path to his own disappearance, one sharp sweep of the razor leading to another and then another.
"I don't care. You should have seen me a few years back, when I was nothing but skin and bones, skipping meals to lose another pound, gain a place on a cat walk or a bar top. It would have continued if I didn't have people to get me through it. I just wanted to hide inside the perfect body I thought I could achieve that way. Sure there were more people squeezing my knee or rubbing high up on my thigh, but it didn't mean anything. That was stopping too, by the end of it. No one wanted to shag me because I looked like God knows what. That was my weakness and really it's still there. I could do it all again if something happened to push me that way� but lucky for me, there is no evidence of that now - no one can see it on my face. But you know about it. I want you to, because I want you to know me. And I want to know you. If you can't show me, I'll understand but please trust me. I want you to know that you can."
Kyo gave a flicker of eye contact before looking away again with reddening cheeks. Slowly he uncrossed his arms, placing his hands on his thighs and leaving his chest open, a quiet invitation for Toshiya to continue.
Toshiya nodded slightly and started gently, peeling damp cotton over the square set shoulders of Kyo, relishing the curve of muscle in his upper arms. He pressed his lips into the dip of Kyo's collarbone, and slowed his dragging of the shirt to a pause at the elbow.
"Ready?" Toshiya whispered the word and was answered by a hoarsely whispered "Yes" and the sensation of Kyo's teeth grazing his ear. He rocked back and delicately tugged one sleeve down, slowly revealing the disfigurement that Kyo could not erase. The scars were deeper than Toshiya remembered from his brief glimpse of them on a sleeping Kyo so many months ago. Inch by inch he observed the cruelty with which damage had carved its way along Kyo's arm, the pools of faded incisions that culminated at his inner elbow and wrist. Toshiya pulled off the other sleeve. He could see the specks and blips of white tissue from extensive stitching that wove between the winding scars and he wondered how much had been left of Kyo's arms at the time. But Kyo was healed now - wasn't he?
To Kyo, it was reminiscent of the moment that he'd been allowed to take the bandages off after his hospitalisation� the shame and the confused nausea. The skin that stretched and twisted over his arms seemed so foreign. Toshiya could only wonder at all the things going on behind Kyo's eyes� someone who could attempt their own destruction, and even then make it seem like an art. His initial reaction had been the instinctive flip of the stomach - how could someone ever do this to themselves? And then the comprehension that it was all that physically remained of Kyo's mind when he was sixteen years old. It was a documentation of his life, and as a part of him, it was beautiful. Toshiya phrased his question carefully.
"Can I touch it?"
Kyo gave him a funny look and then shrugged slightly. Toshiya's fingers were light and inquisitive, brushing faintly against skin that was so smooth and so white. The ridge where healthy skin turned to scar tissue and back again was addictive to the touch, Toshiya found himself lifting a arm, upturned towards his face, placing kisses along reconstructed flesh, exploring the strange texture with his tongue. "All of you is fascinating."
He paused and felt Kyo's lips on his cheek, a silent thank you. Toshiya looked at Kyo with greed and suddenly there was a collision of lips, tongues - Toshiya threw Kyo's shirt away: it had no purpose anymore.
Kyo complied with a soft push to the side and down, back onto the sofa, eager to move on and away from the epiphany of discovery, wanting now to feel adoration and trade it back again. Teeth and tongues were a conduit for expression and hands a medium for exploration. Kyo let his hands slip through Toshiya's hair, holding the taller man's face to his and enjoying the way their lips just seemed to fit. Toshiya was grinding down as hungrily as Kyo was pushing back, friction becoming sweeter by the second. Then Toshiya's hand was fumbling down there again, undoing a button, tugging at a zip. It was only when it was undone that Kyo realised with embarrassment how hard he was. His eyes widened with shock, a yelp escaping his lips when Toshiya slipped fingers under the hem of his underwear.
"-What are you doing!?"
"Touching you up? What does it feel like?"
"But that's my-"
"Yes." Toshiya grinned wickedly. "Believe it or not, I've seen them before. I even happen to own one. And I know how to make it feel nice, okay?"
"But-" Speech stopped as Toshiya stroked his hand deliberately across Kyo's crotch, eliciting a stifled moan from the blond.
"Just lie back and relax will you? I know what I'm doing and I want to do this. I want to make you feel good." And then Toshiya was undressing him further and touching, playing, kissing, licking - Kyo burnt crimson with embarrassment, caught between horror over how comfortable Toshiya felt doing this, and the pleasure of just how good Toshiya was making him feel. His hips bucked involuntarily, knees bending, his trousers and underpants still collected around his ankles. Toshiya was laughing and Kyo could feel it down there. He caught Toshiya's eyes glinting mischievously and closed his own, whimpering softly and not knowing where to put his hands, clutching at the blanket by his sides. And then it was as simple as feeling everything and letting go of it all, tensing hard in a second of hot release and then fading to a cool peace. Kyo opened his eyes to see Toshiya wipe the back of his hand across his mouth. He stuck his tongue out for inspection and grinned. "Good?"
Kyo went, if possible, a brighter shade of red.
"I'll take that as a yes." Toshiya grabbed Kyo's hand and pulled him into a sitting position, crushing their lips together playfully. Kyo wasn't sure quite what to make of what had just happened, but going with the flow seemed the only option, enjoying such close proximity to Toshiya, the sensation of everything. A thought occurred.
"What about you? Aren't you�"
"-Horny?" Toshiya shrieked with laughter and kissed Kyo again. "For you, hell yes. But this is special, right? I'll have my fun, but I want you happy� well�" he kissed again, his hands forever traversing Kyo who touched lightly in return. "I want you generally� we have all the time in the world� and my bed is empty and calling. I want you� inside� do you want me?" Kyo responded the only way that he knew how, kissing as passionately as he could, an intense display of nervous affection. Precariously he let his hand travel south of Toshiya, pressing seductively as he dared against bulging denim. Toshiya acknowledged this action by pushing up into Kyo's hand, moaning loudly into an invigorated kiss. Kyo was surprised by the reaction he had induced, but determined to make Toshiya feel good. He wanted Toshiya more than anything in the world and he wanted to make that evident. Ideas span through his head.
"Can I� can we�"
"Oh God, anything, for you-"
"Uh� make� love?"
"Hell Kyo I thought you'd never ask! Do it with me, to me, I said I wanted you inside, just so long as it's you. I-" Kyo swallowed Toshiya's words with hot lips, unsure of everything but what was right in front of him and not knowing what exactly all this would entail. He was willing to take the chance. And then suddenly his hands were in Toshiya's again, being dragged from the sofa, stepping abashed out of his trousers as he was hurried to Toshiya's room, falling back onto a soft mattress whilst Toshiya laughed freely. Kyo shifted on white sheets, pulling them over himself nervously, suddenly scared.
"Don't be silly�" Toshiya snorted, kneeling on the end of the bed. "What are you afraid of?"
"I don't know how� I've never done this before, and you'll laugh." Toshiya laughed. "See!?"
"Because you're funny." He leant in and kissed Kyo on the face, just between his cheek and mouth. "I'll show you everything, if you want me to-" he bent to kiss there again, but Kyo moved so that their lips touched, and nodded ever so slightly. "Everything it is then." Toshiya pulled off his jeans and underwear without a second thought, catching Kyo's look of surprise and fascination and loving it, stopping himself from enjoying everything too much, pacing himself with the thought and sensation of cool white cotton. He gently removed Kyo's glasses, setting them aside in safety. Toshiya thought strategically about the best way to do this and then just pounced, enveloping Kyo in a wave of blind passion. Kyo responded correctly, letting go of awkwardness for now - there seemed far more important things to concentrate on.
Then Toshiya was lying back and baring all, smiling coyly and whispering instructions and encouragement. Kyo crawled over him, embracing and shyly acting upon every request until there was nothing left but the act itself, peeling on protection and preparation and then-
"Do it."
And they did. Kyo moved slowly at first, uncertain but willing, embarking on an adventure of desire and curiosity, the wish to please overriding all else. Spread legs and movements just so, lips barely touching but eyes always wide open - this was too greater moment to miss a second of it. Little questions "Like that?" and their responses "Mm, just there." Everything was falling into place and then this was connection, this was a conversation between bodies and souls and there was no thinking only feeling, no falling only climbing. The two of them there were a perfect juxtaposition in build and mentality, the deft hand and the virgin, teacher and student, receiver and giver, Toshiya vocalising every sensation whilst Kyo was quiet, voicing his experiences in a hoarse whisper just loud enough for Toshiya to hear and enjoy.
As emotions rose, so did the pace - joy being passed back and forth like a gift. Interlocked bodies forming the shape of love and then lust and then love again, two concepts becoming one and the same. This motion, this action became as natural as a heart beat, as breathing or thought. For Toshiya, this was a fantasy in action, the centre of his universe inside him, loving him - it was all just so bright and wonderful, he was sitting up and kissing because there was not enough Kyo to have and to hold - he could never be touching enough. For Kyo, he was losing himself, travelling to that spot within Toshiya where it was quiet and beautiful, and everything was red hot but peaceful and calm and then Toshiya was tensing, writhing - shouting, Kyo soon to follow and it was done.
There was a moment where they stayed there, breath tearing out in hot laboured rags on each other's faces, clear eye contact remaining perfect for that one moment. Then Kyo slipped back and out, disposing whilst Toshiya wiped off and laid back lazily, arms out limp across the pillows and a daft smile plastered across his face, chest moving up and down, up and down.
Kyo sat down on the side of the bed thoughtfully, hands resting in his lap, looking at the carpet by the bedside cabinet. He didn't know what to do now, worries building up towards crescendo until he felt Toshiya's fingertips scrape lightly down his spine.
"Something wrong?" He shook his head, still looking at the carpet. "Then come to bed? It is customary to snuggle after the carnal act has taken place you know." Kyo looked to see Toshiya pulling a silly face. Slowly he turned round and clambered over to Toshiya, lying down next to him and relaxing into that open embrace. He brought his arms around the lithe form of Toshiya, holding the taller man as close as he dared and feeling skinny limbs squeeze back. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" Kyo looked up and made that intensely blinding eye contact again, Toshiya placing a peck on his lips. "Was it okay, for you?"
Kyo nodded shyly, enthusiastically, and spoke
"Perfect. You're fantastic� amazing. Was I� okay? I know I'd never done it before and-"
"Perfect." Toshiya exhaled deeply in unison with Kyo, the two of them calm and contented. Everything was so quiet that there were a thousand noises to hear, the hot sound of Toshiya's lazy breathing, the thudding of his heart and Kyo's, and the tap-tap-tap of the rain still falling outside as it hit the window. Toshiya's breathing turned to gentle snores and Kyo was left in warm contemplation, more awake than he'd ever felt.
He felt� different, some how. Older perhaps. Cannier. It had all been a shock to the system, as if the floodgates of feeling had been let open and everything had come pouring in, run streaming out. It had seemed a funny thought and in a way it still did. To be lying here, naked with a man he'd just had sex with, naked with a man he loved. Lying here with Toshiya. He let his fingers curl in the dip of Toshiya's back, feeling skin against skin and proving reality. Reality felt good.
But reality was bittersweet: Kyo was coming back to his senses now, remembering the little snags and problems that made up everyday life. Remembering himself. He pulled the sheets up higher so he did not have to look at his arms. Shook his head a little so that his hair fell back over his face. In Toshiya, it had been so easy to forget all that, forget the need to hide, lose sight of all the things that needed to be hidden. Toshiya's gaze had felt like a spotlight that didn�t need to be stepped out of, and for that split second, the dark had seemed a worse place to be than the light, if the light was where Toshiya was. And the light was not just where Toshiya was; the light was Toshiya. The symphony of rhythms, two hearts, four lungs, a million raindrops and the passing of cars was soothing beyond belief, and Kyo was suddenly very sleepy. So drowsy and warm that he slept.
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