Kyo stood in the shower and watched the water run off him and down the drain. It was easy to stand here and think, and the cubicle felt like a box away from everywhere else, where time was suspended and he could pretend that there was no future, no consequence, no life outside of now. Here he could let the water wash away the buzzing excitement and severe anxiety would have been enough to make most people hurl.
He was going to do something about the entire Toshiya situation, and it scared him half out of his skin. So he stood and awaited an idea, or some sort of confirmation that he knew what he was doing. The problem was that he didn't know what he was doing, and that made him all the more apprehensive about everything. He knew, or at least he thought it may have been the case that Toshiya had had feelings for him previously, or at the very least an interest in him. But at that time Kyo had not been interested, and so he had said no. Did that mean that Toshiya had moved on to bigger and better things?
Kyo's pessimistic mind frame was quite willing to say yes, but there were little things� little phrases Toshiya had said, little gestures he had performed that whispered maybe. So perhaps Toshiya was open to such a concept that Kyo really liked him. Perhaps Kyo was in with a chance. Kyo liked this idea, but was wary of it. He didn't want to get his hopes too high. He could tell Toshiya, somehow, how he felt. Quietly, meaningfully. He hoped Toshiya would understand just how scary this whole thing was.
How to tell him? There were so many choices. There was a temptation to just write a letter� he knew he could master the words. It just seemed cowardly - impersonal perhaps. Also impatience played a part. He wanted to know Toshiya's response, positive or negative, straight away. He would have to say it to his face, to see the reaction, to know that it was real. And how was the issue to be raised? "Excuse me but I think I have feelings for you." It wasn't exactly the most casual of all conversational topics. He would have to sit Toshiya down, and talk him through it.
Maybe he would get something for Toshiya just to let him know how important the whole thing was. Chocolates seemed too tacky, jewellery was too grand. What else usually accompanied these sorts of announcements? There were flowers of course. Kyo couldn't make up his mind as to whether these were too demeaning. It was the sort of thing men did to woo ladies, and Toshiya was no lady. However, throughout history it seemed rare that men were the ones being wooed, which made it that much harder to know what was traditionally done in said situation. So perhaps flowers would have to do. He would write a message with them maybe. And then let off the emotional bombshell.
Kyo realised he had been standing in the shower for just under an hour, and decided he should probably stop. He turned off the water and stepped out, grabbing a towel and drying himself off before wrapping it around his waist. The bathroom was warm and filled with steam and he dragged his hand across the mirror to clear the mist that had formed there. His face appeared in the smeary glass, clean and half-covered by wet peroxide hair. Seeing himself bought reality to the situation. It was he who was going to do all of this. And indeed, it was he who could fly or fall as a result. He gave his reflection a reassuring look and was given one in return. Then he brushed the hair out of his eyes and opened the bathroom door, letting the cold air in and awakening his mind. He shivered and went to find some clothes.
*
"So Miki said I need to set things straight with them both, starting with Kaoru. I mean once he knows it's not on, that should be enough, right?" Toshiya plonked himself down next to Shinju on the sofa, bored of packing his bag for work.
"Well I guess� he's been kind of persistent before though, hasn't he? I mean remember when he came round drunk even after you had broken up? And Kyo knocked him out?"
"Yeah. Haha. That was an eventful night. But� I dunno, it will be different this time. I don't think Kaoru and I can spend time together anymore. It's not working, and I can't trust myself. It's just too much of a risk factor to be around him, because I know what he wants. And what he makes me want. It's just not on." He sighed. Shinju nodded and gave Toshiya's knee a reassuring squeeze.
"It's the right decision. I mean I know you'd never want anything more to happen between you two, but Kaoru is just so� I don't know� distracting. It's not even funny. I mean� I couldn't trust myself around him, and I've never felt the way you did about him. That�s the whole problem, no one can resist Kaoru. Or no one could. You're doing pretty well, all things considered. You said no; and only one minor slip-up since. And now you're saying no, but bigger and better, and there will be no more slip-ups. There won't even be a chance for slip-ups. Because you'll be high flying with Kyo and stuff."
"Yes, I know� and that�s what I want. So� how do you think I should do it?"
"Tell Kaoru?"
"Uhuh."
"Well it has to be to his face� but just tell him, and tell him straight. How would you feel most comfortable doing that?"
"Uh� well at my place for a start. I want this on my own turf. And then I can just say it simply. 'This cant go on, it's not working, I can't see you again, have a nice day.' That kind of thing."
"Sounds good in theory. Do you think you can say all of that to him?"
"Well I have to don't I? It's what needs to be done. So I'm going to do it."
"Good for you!"
"Yes well. I may have to take a very cold shower before and after the event, but what ever it takes. I'm going to do this." Toshiya gave a confident grin which faltered for a second, nervy and true, and then regained itself. "I'm going to do this."
*
The phone was ringing. Toshiya held his breath. He heard the other end pick up.
"Hello?"
"Kaoru? It's Toshiya." There. That was the first step taken.
"Oh� hey babe. How are you?"
"I'm good thanks. And you?"
"Yeah I'm good, I'm always good." There was the soft sound of lips puckering around a cigarette and an inhalation. "So what's up? Is there something you want to talk about?"
"Uh, oh yes. I um� look Kaoru. I need you to come over, because there is some stuff I need to talk to you about and� well when are you free?"
"I can always make time for you Totchi, you know that. How about tomorrow afternoon? Is that okay for you?"
"Yes. That�s fine. Thank you. Just come round mine about five-ish and we can talk about stuff. Sound good?"
"It's a date. See you soon babe!"
"Bye!" Toshiya hung up quickly and exhaled. It was done. Or at least he'd got Kaoru coming over. He still had yet to explain matters, which could be a little harder. One step at a time though, he was putting this all into action. Things were going to get done.
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