"Kyo? Kyo�? Kyo!" Die raised his voice and finally gained the attention of the daydreaming blond.
Kyo pushed his chair back from his desk and turned to look at his addresser.
"Hmm? Oh, Die. How's it going?"
"Oh, y'know, same old same old. Just thought I'd come and pay you a visit up here. You certainly look riveted." He chuckled.
"Do I really?" Kyo smiled and raised a wry eyebrow. "Well you know, early morning chemistry analyses are just about as exciting as it gets."
"Haha, so it sounds. Nothing on your mind then? You looked deep in thought there� surely it takes something very important to drag your attention away from early morning chemistry?"
"Pfft, Die you know any little thing is important enough to distract me from chemistry."
"So there is something?" Die pulled up a chair and sat down. He was trying his best to bring this round subtly.
"Well� maybe. I don't know if I really want to talk about it with you. I don't even feel comfortable talking about it with myself."
"I see. Well Kyo, you should know, as your friend, I won't push you. But I also want you to know that you can tell me anything. If you're feeling confused or annoyed or happy or anything, I'm here to listen. I've always been here." And Die was speaking the truth. The situation had set off a million dej�-vu's in Die's mind, of all the times in their teens when Kyo would always be hiding something of his past and when he would tell Die, quietly, and Die would swell - trusted and protective.
"Hmm. Well, it is break in five minutes. Just� this is strange for me, okay? And you have to not laugh." Kyo turned off the monitor to his computer and sat facing Die. His hands were in his lap, and he stared at them as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. "It's about Toshiya."
"Oh� did you fall out?"
"No! At least I don't think so. Why, did he say something?"
"Well not as such� he just seemed upset� said something about feeling like you didn't want to talk to him anymore-"
"No! Well� I was out with him the other night and, well, I ran out. You know how I get with too many people around, it just seemed too loud and then I-" Kyo stopped, what was to come next was very important. "�Die?"
"Yes?"
"I think� I think I like Toshiya. As more than a friend." He stopped again, his focus having moved from picking at his fingernails, now he stared at Die, awaiting a response.
"Yes?"
"Die! I knew I couldn't tell you!"
"What?"
"This is a big deal! I mean� What did I just say?"
"You said you liked Toshiya. As more than a friend."
"Oh God." Kyo shut his eyes tightly. "I� I can't� What does that even mean? How can you just sit there and say 'Yes?' as if this were no surprise?"
"Because it isn't a surprise, Kyo. I saw this coming a long time ago, even if you didn't." At this, Kyo sunk further into his chair, a deep red glow appearing on his cheeks. He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it. "It's okay y'know, Kyo. I know this sort of thing is new to you, and probably very scary, but there isn't anything to be afraid of. Just take a step back and look at things. Are you sure of what you're feeling?"
"No! Of course I'm not fucking sure! People who are used to this stuff rarely know if they're sure, and this is me you're talking to Die!" Kyo was suddenly aware that he had raised his voice, and looked round furtively before turning his attention back to Die. "I'm sorry. But I don't know what I'm feeling, and it�s scaring me."
"Well, how are you feeling? Tell me."
"I� I like Toshiya. I think. I mean� he makes me nervous� inside. But he makes me happy. But then friends do that, don't they? But I feel safer around him, and I feel like I want to make him feel safe. He gives me butterflies, and I like it when he smiles at me. I don't want men, but I want Toshiya. What does that mean?"
"It all depends, I guess. Do you want a relationship with him?"
"I� hmm. I think I� If he could be mine, and he could like me back. Or something. Oh God! This is so complicated! How does everyone else seem to manage? How do you not throw up every time you see the person that you want? And how are you not scared?" Kyo's eyes shone in earnest and requested an answer from Die.
"Oh you keep being scared." Die chuckled. "Nothing stops that. But you learn to ignore and take the plunge. And eventually, you just stop noticing the scared feeling because you're too busy feeling in love." He sighed. "So� are you going to do anything about it?"
"Hell no! What do you take me for? Some kind of non-socially-retarded person? I can't do something like that!"
"And why not?"
"Because� because it will go wrong. I can see it now- I'm not Toshiya's type and I don't do this sort of thing - I can't. It's just� I feel like I�m going to explode, or crumple up, or - I don't know. I don't want Toshiya to see that� it would make him think even less of me. I� I can't believe I'm even thinking of this� I'm talking about Toshiya here! I can't� He's� ARG!" Kyo buried his face in his hands and heavily sniffed back tears.
When Kyo didn't look up again for some time, Die judged that it was his turn to speak.
"Is that really what you think?" A pause followed. Kyo did not respond. "You should do something about this Kyo, because it could be the best thing to ever happen to you. Or you could let it pass you by. Toshiya doesn't think little of you at all; in fact, he thinks the world of you. So do something. And if it all goes pear shaped - well you let it go when he kissed you, so he can let it go that you told him." Die reached forward and placed a finger under Kyo's chin, lifting it up and Kyo was looking back at him. "Don't hide from this Kyo. You've been hiding from everything all your life, so let this be the change."
"But� what should I do?" And this summed it all up. What could he do? With Toshiya, with these emotions, with himself in general. He felt a flash of anger at Toshiya for making him feel so lost and confused, but this emotion was quickly drowned by the thought of Toshiya's face. He'd learnt a long time ago that he couldn't stay angry with Toshiya.
"Tell him how you feel. Just� surprise him with flowers or something, I don't know. Let him know you care. You know the drill. Or at least you must have seen movies." Die chuckled at the glare he received from Kyo.
"You always were a tease. But�" Fear gripped Kyo's heart again, cold and draining. "I'm scared, Die. I can't deal with this. I mean - I can't do this because it will� just� shit�"
"Oh shush and quit your angsting. You've got everything to gain here and nothing to lose except a bit of dignity. You never seem to do anything solely for your own interests, and it's time you did. Just this once, eh?"
"Maybe." Kyo sat quietly, almost sulking. There was a part of him that didn't want to be convinced, that was too afraid of what that might mean. "Do you� do you think I can? Honestly? I feel so small."
"You're lovely, Kyo, though you probably don't like me saying it. I'd have you in an instant." Kyo went a deeper shade of red. "And that is that."
"Thanks Die." Kyo smiled properly for the first time that morning.
"No problem little guy." Die drew the smaller man in for an enthusiastically affectionate embrace. Kyo laughed, half choking on Die's shirt, he squeezed back tightly before drawing himself away from Die's safety and speaking.
"What about you? How are things with Shinju?"
Die paused. It was a good question that. How were things with Shinju? If only Die himself knew. He weighed out the options of telling Kyo about the previous Saturday's events or not and decided on a negative. The poor little critter had enough to deal with as it was.
"Things with Shinju are� weird. But I guess that's to be expected. Things will sort themselves out in the end."
"I hope so." That seemed all that needed to be said.
*
Die laughed to himself. He couldn't wait for some transpiration between Kyo and Toshiya - the tension had been mounting for all too long and he so desperately wanted to be proven right. It gave him a buzz inside to think that Kyo might finally be happy.
He whistled along the corridors, scanning his checklist for things that needed doing, transferrals and transactions. Figures, schedules and deadlines whizzed through his mind. He had made his deliveries to Kyo's lab, and all the facilities on that side of the site. There was still a lot to be done though, there were new stocks coming in later, and that needed to be sorted out before the weekend.
Turning the corner, Die let his mind wander. The weekend promised to be good, especially if all went to plan between Kyo and Toshiya. There was a film on that he wanted to watch, and on Sunday he was going round to his family's house for dinner. Shinju might find out if she had got the job. She'd be so happy, and she'd smile with those beautiful lips and blush when he hugged her tight in congratulations. Then they'd laugh and they'd talk about things in his bedroom, where they'd kiss and help each other undress. Shinju would lie back, legs spread, ready for Die to-
Die caught his train of thought and nearly choked on his own tongue. His face flushed red and he was embarrassed by his own mental outburst, as if worried that others could read his mind. Such a longing that had seemed so natural had appeared to come out of no where. He was hit by flashbacks of his previous activities with Shinju, and how that had felt so good, and how much hurt was in her eyes when it was over. He needed to sort things out.
*
"Can I� Can I come up?" Die's voice came out strained, his stomach squirming with butterflies.
"Okay." He breathed out at Shinju's response. The door clicked open and he walked through, taking the stairs, hoping the exercise would mask his pounding heartbeat. He knocked and she answered, staring at her own feet and avoiding his gaze. Her voice was soft: "Come in."
Die followed silently, unsure of what to say.
"Do you want something to drink?" He shook his head. Now Shinju stood quiet too. Her conversational point had been removed leaving her silent, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.
"What happened the other day� I'm sorry." Die reached out a hand to touch her arm and Shinju moved away, towards the window. Her gaze rested there, watching the outside world rush by, waiting for Die to continue. This was his mess to explain. "I didn't mean to confuse you� I was confused myself and I shouldn't have dragged you in." he paused again, collecting his thoughts, planning where to go next. "I don't know how to feel about you. There are things that I can't forget and things about you that I still don't understand. So I'm going to have to ask you to do what I can't, and forget things. Forget what happened yesterday, and have things go back to� well get back to normal I guess. I know that's a lot to ask."
He awaited a response and heard Shinju breathe in deeply, unsteadily, a shiver passing over her shoulders. She stayed facing away, refusing eye contact with Die. He took a step forward and then another until he was standing just behind her, trying to follow her gaze and see what was so exciting outside. There was nothing extraordinary going on� busy people with busy lives on a grey looking street. Shinju seemed to be staring past that, her eyes not focused on anything in particular, just needing something to stare at, somewhere to be absorbed into. She shuddered again, and Die wondered if she was trying not to cry.
"Hey�" he touched her back, laying a palm gently on her shoulder blade. She jumped slightly at his touch, tensing and then relaxing into it. "Shinju�" She turned round then, and there were tears in her eyes. She was silent still, and though she faced him her eyes still looked away. "Don't cry." He drew an arm around her waist and brought her into a hug. The need to comfort seemed overwhelming and for a moment Die forgot that Shinju had a slope to her waist now, that she had broadening hips and a curving chest. She stiffened in his arms, unsure of herself and the situation. Her emotions were raw from before. Still, she complied and was silent.
Seconds passed, and Shinju sighed. She looked up and Die was looking down at her. His eyes seemed to smile and his lips brushed her forehead in an apologetic peck of a kiss. Shinju could feel his breath on her face and it felt too good to be in this place again. In the back of her mind, a voice reminded her that she was holding on to something that had gone long ago and she knew it to be true. However, she could not ignore how close she felt to Die right now, how comforting it was to be in the arms of the man she had loved.
Die could feel it too. Or at least he felt something. The tension maybe. Shinju confused the hell out of him as he was unable to comprehend how he could feel two things at once. On one hand was that undesirable gender, how he didn't want that body, and quietly, how he seemed to covet it all the same. On the other hand was a person that made him laugh, made him smile. That he had loved. And how their breath seemed magnetic, drawing lips together - cautiously at first, pressing and then moving apart. There was a moment where neither of them seemed sure of the next move, edging closer and then back again by millimetres, slightly out of synch.
Then contact returned and kisses were more frequent, more deliberate - lasted longer. Die closed his eyes and kissed her again, deeper, running his hand through her hair� it felt just the same. Shinju was giving in to comfort, to emotion and to memory. It was so easy to want this all again. The abundance of familiarity seemed like something that could be held onto. She ran her hands up Die's back, letting her fingertips follow the curve of his spine and enjoying the way that it made him shudder. His large hands were in turn exploring her, and Shinju enjoyed it. It felt good. But with exploration came realisation, and Shinju suddenly became very away of the fact that Die's hands never left her back and face� the rest of her - the reminder - seemed off limits.
She knew then that this could only be a repeat of last time and that Die still couldn't see her for who she was. He was playing the denial game again, desperately ignoring Shinju's femininity, and it was breaking her heart. She pushed away from him heavily, turning her face in shame, feeling ugly and despised.
"Why are you doing this?" the tears came now, rolling down her face like rivers. She wiped her cheeks roughly on the back off her hand, turning blindly and storming into her bedroom. The door slammed shut behind her, and Die could hear her sobbing from where he stood. He sighed.
"Shit."
*
Die stood by Shinju's door and fretted. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. He had no idea what to say. He tried knocking again.
"Go away!" The wild response came in a short break between sobs.
"Nope. I'm not going anywhere until you come out of there. Come on!" He tried turning the handle, but the door was locked.
"Leave me alone! Stop toying with me! I can't deal with it! And it hurts�" Shinju was speaking instead of crying, Die reasoned this could be defined as progress.
"I'm sorry� I don't know what to do with you� I can't stand to see you upset. So I'm not going until it's fixed." Die sat down by the door, leaning his side against it, pressing his cheek to the wood. "Please Shin�"
There was a pause and then Shinju's voice returned, soft and raw from tears. In her room she sat with her knees tucked up to her chin, her back against the door. There were a few centimetres of wood between her and Die, and it seemed like an ocean.
"And what if you're the reason I'm upset? And it's not going to be fixed until you go away?"
"Then I'd find another way. I missed you when we didn't speak. I don't like to admit it, but I did. What ever happens, you mean an awful lot to me. And-"
"Die you meant the world to me! More than an awful lot, the world! And you ripped yourself out of my life and I cried for weeks! I didn't think anything could hurt so much, and I've lived through a lot. My family doesn�t want to know I'm alive, my body hates me, and I've been through plenty of work related situations I would much rather have avoided." Speaking to an empty room seemed easier than to Die's face. There was so much that Shinju felt the need to say. It was probably the hormones talking. "I've been through so much and I've met so many people along the way. And you came along and you were amazing and I loved you straight away. And just like that you were gone, and it was all my fault, just because I was me."
Shinju shivered, letting out a sob.
"I couldn't breathe without you, and I was drowning. And slowly I caught my breath again, slowly, and I found oxygen to live on. So quietly and perhaps a little reclusively, I was living. I was getting back to normal. And then�."
"I came back�" Die spoke quietly into the door.
"�You came back," came the sad confirmation. "And it was wonderful to be near you again. I had missed you, and not realised it because I'd made myself forget. You brought it all back. Didn't you feel it? How everything was back in place. To have you back in my life seemed right, it just had to be my new life, so I could forget all of before. And I could do that and then you go and kiss me� and nothing might as well have happened, I'm right back to square one again, head over heels in love. And then it stops and I know it isn't real, and it hurts, Die-" She sobbed again, wiping tears from her cheek with her sleeve. "-it fucking hurts." She stopped once more and then concluded. "�So just go."
Die was silent. What could he say? It had been too easy to think everything had been forgotten, could ever have been forgotten. When he himself couldn't forget how Shinju made him feel. And that it was Shinju who made him feel this, not Shinya.
"No." He sat up a bit from his slouching position. "I'm not going anywhere. Shin-chan, open the door. I want to talk to your face� please?" He heard scuffling and stood up as the door moved open a few inches. Through the crack, Die could see a column of Shinju's face. It was red and puffy, glistening slightly from tears. Dark eyes, bleary and shining stared morosely into Die's, and he stumbled for words.
"Shinju�"
"What?" Her reply was heated and defensive. "What DO you want, Die? Tell me so I know and then you can leave me alone."
Die tried to force his answer out.
"I want� well� I don't want to lose you for a start. Don't think I should walk away, because I can't. And I won't. I don't understand what I want, Shin. I had it all straight in my mind, that things were too far-gone between us, and� well I'm gay Shinju, I've only really felt for men before� admittedly prior relationships to you didn't work out, but it seems so alien to think any other way." His mind flicked back to the fantasies of earlier. "But�" And there were so many buts. Die reached out to touch Shinju's face, and she moved away warily, closing the door by a couple of centimetres. Die placed his foot quietly between the door and the doorframe. He couldn't risk going back to square one. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel for you as more than a friend." There was guilt in his eyes now. "I just don't know what to do about it�"
Shinju looked down at her feet, and then at her knuckles, white from gripping the door so hard. Her lips were pressed in concentration and then her eyes flicked up to look at Die. The scales of decision swung up and down in her mind before she let go of the door and stepped back, letting Die push forward and into her room, shutting the door behind him with a soft click. Shinju's room was more or less as he had remembered it. The walls were that same dull pink, and it was tidier than Die's� although that seemed thematic throughout the entire apartment. There was a stack of Shoujo Manga on the bedside table and some pictures on the wall. It seemed to Die like an age since he'd been here, and yet no time at all.
He sat down on the bed and watched as Shinju moved to the window and shut the blinds silently. There were no lights on in the room, and the shadows gathered and smothered, making Shinju look gaunt and depressive. She stood in front of Die, shy eyes holding his gaze. She held her sides nervously and spoke.
"Die� this is me. This is my face, my eyes, my nose, my mouth." She stepped closer. "I'm me now. Is that ugly?"
Die's eyes widened with surprise.
"N-no..." Shinju nodded slightly. Hesitantly but deliberately she took off her tee shirt. Her eyes remained locked with Die's and the garment dropped to the floor. Revealed was smooth skin that curved into a waist. A plain bra supported small breasts, an achievement that Shinju was proud of.
"This is me. These are my breasts and this is my belly. Am I wrong?"
Die looked at Shinju. This anatomy was foreign to him, but still seemed to hold some sort of strange beauty.
"No."
Shinju undid her jeans and slipped them off. Her legs were long and not overly shapely. There was a little fat accumulating on her thighs and her bottom was rounder, possibly. Her underwear was white cotton - boring and true and flat across the crotch. The bones of her hips stood out a bit, implying new width. She tried her best not to look as self-conscious as she felt.
"This is me." She quavered. "My hips, and my thighs, and the rest of my legs. As much of myself as I could possibly feel comfortable showing anyone but myself right now... This is how I am, and what I'm like. I need to know if you want this - if you want me." There was fragility to her words now� as if anything could break her. Her stomach tied in a thousand knots as she presented the scariest ultimatum of her life. Die could barely take everything in. Shinju looked so different from how she had before. It was almost unreal. Die reached out a hand and let it stroke down her side. Shinju just stood still, as if she knew this was necessary. She placed a hand on Die's, holding it to her skin, and stepped back - forcing him to stand. Her eyes shone darkly. "This is me. I'll understand if you can't, if you don't. But I just need to know. What do you want?"
Die inhaled deeply. There could only really be one answer.
"You." He breathed, bringing Shinju into his arms. "Only you." Die kissed her forehead and her cheeks, tasting tears and letting his lips rest on hers. Shinju responded joyously, as if awaking from a deep sleep, pressing gently back into Die. He stepped back, sitting down on the bed and welcoming Shinju to onto his lap, letting his hands traverse the strange shape of her body. Shinju used her own hands to gently lift Die's shirt, bringing it over his head and grinning shyly as his scarlet hair and angular face appeared once more. There was a sick feeling here, where fear of what was to come ran riot along with streaming adoration. They kissed again and Die lay back, cupping Shinju's face in his hands, and then hesitantly, her breasts. The bra concealed most of them and amplified what little there was at the same time. Shinju giggled.
"Hehe� are they that scary?" Die shook his head, laughing. It felt so good to be so close. Shinju could feel Die hardening in his jeans, and his hands tug slightly at her pants. She shook her head. "I can't� sorry." Die gave her a querying look. "I'm not fully healed yet� It'd do more damage than good. And besides, I'm not entirely sure we're ready for that yet... Are you?"
Die paused, looking thoughtfully at Shinju's face.
"I guess not."
"I'm sorry�" Guilt played through Shinju's face, but Die laughed.
"Don't be. You're right, it would have been too soon� and it's not like there's a rush." He lifted Shinju off of him and placed her by his side. He wrapped them both in the sheets from the bed and was quiet. It seemed so peaceful. Die was reminded of those groggy lie-ins with Shinya all that time ago as he watched Shinju's placid face and smiled. Shinju leant in and kissed him softly.
"This seems unreal� I mean� are we going to be okay?" Shinju looked anxious now, clinging to Die a little tighter as she awaited his response.
"Shinju� I can't promise that everything will be okay forever. But we'll try for it. I think we can manage things� if we take things step by step. This is the first time I've done something like this-"
Shinju sniggered under her breath.
"You think I've done this before?"
"Well no�"
"And do you think� can we keep it quiet for now? I mean if that's too much to ask, don't worry. But until we're both, y'know�" She yawned. Excitement and nerves had drained her of energy. "�a hundred percent okay with things, maybe we should just keep things under wraps� hmm?"
"Yeah." Die nodded sleepily. "That's probably a good idea� like you said, it would be wrong to move too fast. And besides� I have a feeling there are going to be other events on the horizon which we won't want to distract." His smile was cocky now, turning slowly into a smirk.
"Oh?" Shinju perked up suddenly. "What events? You know something! Tell me?" The possibility of gossip gleamed in her eyes and she snuggled up to Die persuasively.
"Haha, oh no Shin-chan, that's not going to work." Die grinned confidently. "You will have to wait and see." Shinju pouted then placed a kiss on Die's cheek.
"Pleeeaaaasseee?" She kissed him again, on the lips this time. Die returned the kiss, losing the fearful twinge of what he was actually becoming a part of in the taste of Shinju and the fun of the tease. He broke the kiss and laughed.
"Nope. Definitely not. You'll find out soon enough." He sighed contentedly and pulled Shinju close to him. Now was the time for sleep. "Night Shin."
"Good night Die."
For a while, there was tension in the air, anxiety about the magnitude of the situation, what had been agreed to here, what had been given up and what had been gained. But time and darkness wore on, and inhibitions could wait for now. They fell asleep.
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