Shinju took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. She slung her bag over her shoulder and looked nervously over to Toshiya. Toshiya shot her a cheeky grin.
�Look there�s nothing to worry about, right? What is there to lose? You�re gorgeous and you�re a nice person and you can dance fabulously. So go and shake your bootie.�
Die stepped out of the car and shut the door behind him.
�He�s right you know.� Toshiya grinned again, and Shinju let an anxious smile form on her lips.
Together they walked to the entrance. The Not Kabuki neon sign in traditional script over the doors was dull and silent, and would not be turned on for hours. Inside, the d�cor was chic, sophisticated � the mere fact that it had a lobby put it a class above the club Toshiya worked at. At present, the lobby was filled with an assortment of fifteen or twenty young women. Some were sitting tensely and quietly on their own, some were singing and some going through dance steps. Some looked blas� about it whilst others were nervous. The advert had obviously attracted all sorts.
Toshiya was about to say something when the Boss appeared at the banister of the second floor, Miki at his side with a clipboard, smiling.
�Excuse me,� his voice was mild and clear as ever �First of all, I�d like to say hello and welcome you all to Not Kabuki. I am the Boss-sama, and the lovely young woman next to me is Miki-san. It is us, along with several current dancers at the club who will be deciding your destiny today. I�m sure you are all aware of the reason you are here, we are holding auditions for the two places available as an entertainer here at the club for the whole of today. The auditions will consist of a ten-minute interview with the judge panel, and then you will be asked to perform to a couple of music tracks and present a simple dance routine. The outcome of your audition will be communicated to you by phone within two days. Are there any questions?�
The lobby was silent.
�Oh good. Well if you could all line up and register your names with Miki, and the two young ladies over there, Yuri and Akina-� the girls waved to their audience as their names were mentioned. �-will direct you to the changing rooms where you will be required to change into the performance costume you feel is appropriate. I look forward to meeting you all shortly. Good bye.� The Boss smiled and waved, then retreated away from the banister.
�Right then girls,� Miki made her way from the banister to the top of the wide stairs. Standing with her clipboard and her smile, she looked a picture of friendliness. �If you could just make your way over here to register, that would be great.� She caught Toshiya�s eye and smiled before her attention was claimed by the work at hand.
�Okay Shinju, you had better get over there. Good luck babe, not that you�ll need it. Toshiya embraced her in a good luck squeeze.
�Knock �em dead Shin.� Die smiled and hugged her awkwardly.
�Thanks you guys� Shinju pulled her bag higher onto her shoulder. �I�ll see you later, yeah?� She gave a nervous grin and wandered over to the queue of chattering girls in front of Miki. Die watched her go, observing how she was now when she walked, the changes and the similarities to before. Then Toshiya was walking away and he followed.
*
"So it�s okay for us to hang about here while we�re waiting?" Die sat down next to Toshiya on the Lobby�s sofa, snapping open a can of soda from the machine. "We're not going to get kicked out for loitering with intent?"
"Yeah, should be. I mean you�ve met Miki before, she�s one of my best friends, so I�d be allowed even if we weren�t waiting for Shinju."
"Uhuh. It�s good that you came along. And that you and Shinju are friends again. You�re very important to her, it�s good that you can be a part of her new life."
Die grinned and looked embarrassed, cheeks reddening for a second.
"Well, I missed her I guess. She�s changed, but she�s the same. I�m sorry that everything�s been so rough for her. When she asked me if I wanted to come along, I was happy to, I want her to get her life back. I want to be involved in her life." He paused for a second. "Did you not want to drag Kyo along, or was he busy?"
In contrast to Die�s complexion, the colour drained from Toshiya�s skin and a worried look spread into all features of his face.
"I� I left a message but� I don�t think he�s talking to me at the moment, Die."
"What!?� Die was confused. �What happened? Did you do something?"
Toshiya replied sullenly.
�I don�t know. I think I must have� He came out to the club with me and Kaoru the other night and everything was fine. But then suddenly he said he had to go and just left. I offered to drive him but he wouldn�t hear it - he must have caught a taxi or something home� I was worried, but he wouldn�t pick up the phone. Did he not� did he not mention anything� at work?�
"Afraid not. I�m surprised� he usually tells me things. Which is not to say I can�t squeeze the information out of him. I just wonder� you have no idea what could have happened?"
�I wish. I�ve racked my brain a million times over for anything � I can think of so much � so many tiny little things, but there�s nothing there� oh Die-� Toshiya screwed up his face, exasperated �What have I done? Everything was going so well, I was sure I was making progress with him� that one day he might like me as much as I like him, but now-" He broke off again. �I don�t know what to do.�
The lobby was filled with a heavy silence, Toshiya wringing his hands in frustration and Die staring down at his soda can.
"I'll� talk to him� or something. At least figure out what went wrong. I can't promise anything-" Die was enveloped in an over excited hug from Toshiya so fast that his drink nearly went flying.
"Thank yooooouuuu!"
"Hey, hey, like I said, I can't promise anything, but I will find out what's going on." To be honest, Die was as intrigued as Toshiya, if not as angstily involved. He had become increasingly convinced over the passing weeks that Kyo would come round to Toshiya - that the feelings would grow. That he had suddenly reacted this way confused Die, and made him want to find out what precisely had happened. Perhaps there was something Toshiya wasn't telling him. He would find out sooner or later. However, the current most important issue to deal with was Shinju.
*
In the changing rooms, Shinju slipped out of her jeans and tee shirt and slowly started dressing in her stage gear. She felt a curious contradiction of emotions, half of her wanted to show her new body off, to be confident in her completeness. The other half was morbidly afraid that she wasn't enough - would never be enough and would be spotted, shunned. Secretly she watched the other girls from the corner of her eye, young and curvy and natural, flawed but beautiful.
"Shit girl -" A girl started "you've got a flat stomach on you! How do you manage that?" Shinju stared at her a second before realising that it was her being addressed.
"Me?"
"No not you, the chick in pink fluff behind you." Shinju couldn�t believe that she actually turned to look, blushing furiously as she realised her mistake. "Jeez, nerves much? Is this your first audition?"
"Oh- no, it isn't. Just� well this is the first time I've auditioned for somewhere so selective, I guess."
"Well don't worry about it. You win some you lose some. At least you've got some looks on you. That�s always a good thing."
"Are you kidding me? I'd kill for boobs like yours! Or even your hips!" Shinju gazed longingly.
"See that's what I told her, but she's not having any of it." Another girl cut in, small and skinny and plain, but pretty, in a way.
Shinju pulled on her boots and stood up. She was a fair bit taller than most of the other girls. Looking round, she estimated one girl to be about the same height as her and another to be perhaps a couple of inches taller. And even though Shinju had found yet another reason to feel out of place, this was becoming less daunting, her competition becoming less like savage strangers.
"Nakamura Kiki?
"Yes!" One of the girls stood up and followed Akina out of the room, straightening her skirt as she went. Shinju was neither the first nor the last to be called up and when it got to her, a part of her had calmed down and a part of her had got even more nervous. She suspected this left her in much the same place as before, but she stood up and called out a confirmation that she was there and ready. She breathed in deeply and ran fingers through her hair before handing her bag to Akina and following her friendly figure out of the changing rooms.
She eyed the corridors excitedly - they were clean and the floor was wood laminate. A contrast to the club�s atmosphere - there were smoke stains on the wall and the carpet needed a hoovering. Customers tended not to notice, but if you worked there - if you saw it everyday, these things began to make themselves very obvious to you and got on your nerves. But this was so clean - so bright, Shinju could hardly see herself having any problems. Miki said they had a very good team of cleaning staff.
They stopped by a door and Shinju let out a nervous sigh.
"Are you ready?" She nodded "Just relax! You've got nothing to lose here. Just be smiley and you can't go far wrong."
"Thanks." Akina opened the door and let Shinju in, following closely and shutting the door behind them.
They had entered what appeared to be a small gym or sports hall, more wood laminate with painted lines and measurements. One side was a mirror that spanned the entire wall, along the other was a lengthy table, at which sat the Boss, Miki and another woman that Shinju failed to recognise. She leant forward and shook their hands politely, unsure of how best to address them all.
"Please." Boss-sama spoke. "Take a seat."
*
"So, you are Terachi Shinju, is that correct?" His voice came as soft and patient as ever. Shinju nodded. "Well as I mentioned earlier, but will go over again for clarification, I am the Boss-sama, and I run this place. This is Tanaka Miki, my right hand lady, who represents senior management. And to my left is Naoto Kaede, she is the longest working entertainer at this establishment. But enough about us, it's you that we're here to look into." He smiled politely, little pink lips making for a mild expression. "So Shinju, can you tell us a little about yourself?"
"Uhm. I'm twenty-five and I come from Mie. I've been enjoying singing and dancing for as long as I can remember, and working in the entertainment business for just under ten years. My hobbies include socialising with my friends and also accessorising. I'm eager to please and love meeting new people. I'm looking for a fresh start and, well, what better place than Not Kabuki?"
"And what attracts you to a place like this?"
"Well�" Shinju started, slow at first but quicker and more fluently as she continued, "What is there to not attract? Not Kabuki is well renowned in Kyoto for being generally a higher class of club. It's respected. I like that. Also the idea of working in a club which is solely female entertainment intrigues me, I� I've worked with a real hodgepodge of people before. I'm up and ready for something new in my life, I think it�s about time. And er... yes well." She stopped and blushed. Miki and Kaede grinned encouragingly.
"So you say you've worked in very mixed environments... where exactly have you worked previously?"
"Uhm� Well I started working when I was sixteen at the DDR arcades as like a general assistant, I had to cosplay game characters and stuff� But I decided I wanted to perform. When I was seventeen I managed to get a job at Hot Movers� it wasn't the best place to start, but it was a start, and I learned a lot there. I moved around a few clubs of that calibre before moving to the club down in Mie. I worked there for six years before stopping employment there recently."
"Sorry, may I enquire why?"
"Er�" Shinju went bright red.
"I only ask as a means of finding how dedicated you would be to the Not Kabuki team."
"Uh, you see I refused to do a job for the club� a rather specific job. Favours to ensure patronage, etcetera. It's quite embarrassing. I-"
Miki leaned over to the Boss and whispered something in his ear. His eyes widened for a second and he pursed his lips.
"I catch your drift entirely. I am aware that this sort of thing goes on in this city, but I'm sure you know it is not a policy here."
"I was hoping that to be the case sir."
"So� all this experience you've gathered, what do you feel is important in a club atmosphere? What makes the team tick, and as a result make the club successful?"
"Hmm� well, if you enjoy what you're doing, the atmosphere is going to be a happy one. If everyone is happy then things just work better. Everyone should have like a team goal. Mutual understanding helps. Looking out for one another and things like that. If you have a good team spirit, then what can go wrong? From what I've known, the closer the friendship between the work force, the more efficient things just seem to be."
"I see. And are you passionate about working in this environment? Can you see yourself being driven? Not Kabuki is not for the wishy-washy, this is a business and is run as such. In order for you to fit in here, you need to love what you're doing."
"I don't think you last very long around here if you don't want to succeed, sir. I want this place at Not Kabuki because I believe it is what I want to do, and what's more, I believe I can do it. I've been working long enough to know I can contribute here." Shinju was startled at her own words - unsure of where this new found confidence had arisen from. She put it down to female empowerment and continued. "I may not be the best dancer that ever there was, but I've worked hard to get where I am, and I'm prepared to work harder again to get further."
"Well, we're certainly glad to hear that. We read over your CV, and you mentioned dancing experience. Exactly how much work have you done? How would you class yourself as a dancer?"
"Well I've been dancing long enough to know what's what. Like I said, I'm not the best, I'm no prodigy, but I can dance, and I can dance well."
"And you've done routine work before?"
"Yes."
"Good. Would you mind standing up and going through a routine with Kaede? She will show you the routine and then go through it with you a couple of times, and then we would like to see how well you do by yourself. It's just to see how quickly you pick up on things. However, that is also a skill which can be acquired, so don't feel any pressure." The Boss smiled again in his pleasant manner and Shinju couldn't help but smile back. She stood in near synchronisation with Kaede, and went on to find the routine was not hard.
There was a twisting move that acted as a merger between two complex parts that she had to go over more than twice, but really it was the same sort of thing she had been doing for years before hand. She smiled her friendly smile and repeated the moves seamlessly. This was received with a pleased smiled from the Boss-sama.
"That's good." Kaede confirmed. "Often in a display, there will be more than one routine going on at once. I think you can deal with that though." The music cut off abruptly and Kaede trod elegantly back to her place behind the table.
"Please, Shinju-san, take a seat." Shinju nodded and sat down once more. "Thank you for taking the time to come here today, it's been a pleasure. You've made a very positive impact on us all, and we wish you the best of luck with getting the position. We'll get back to you as soon as possible." The Boss stood and held out his hand. Shinju followed his example, standing primly and smoothing out her skirt. She took the Boss's hand and shook it gently.
"Thanks for your time. It's been great meeting you all." Shinju smiled with glossy lips. Yuri had appeared at the door and beckoned for Shinju to follow her. She nodded in a half bow to her interviewers and went after Yuri, almost stumbling in nervous abandon.
Once they were out and into the corridor, Shinju could breathe again. She giggled breathlessly and grinned.
"See? Not so bad, was it?" Yuri gave her a perky smile and began to guide Shinju back down the corridor and into a block of lady's toilets. She handed Shinju her bag and ushered her into a cubicle. "Sorry about this, we only have one changing room and we can't have you girls conferring between interviews. How did you think it went?"
"Yeah�" Shinju searched for words as she stepped out of her dress and pulled on her jeans and tee shirt. "Good. I think. It was� good. Yeah." She giggled again and stepped out of the cubicle.
"Uhuh. The Boss-sama is so quiet and polite. Not very intimidating. Although I'm sure he could be� you know, in that quiet and un-angry way? But I've never seen him like that� so no issues there. Miki is just so nice, and Kaede is very knowledgeable. Plus you've got a pretty face. That always counts for something, if not everything." This all sounded quite strange coming out of the mouth of someone so much younger than Shinju. Yuri fluttered long eyelashes habitually. "I'm just going to take you back down to the foyer. Is there someone there for you, or what?"
"Yeah, I've got a couple of friends waiting for me."
"Cool." They reached the top of the grand stairway. The lobby was emptier now, people dotted about but none of the previous large groups. Shinju spotted the shock of red that was Die, standing chatting with Toshiya. "So yeah. Keep safe and all that. And I hope to see you here soon!"
"Thanks." Shinju smiled in appreciation and then left Yuri's side, walking with purpose down the steps and towards her lanky pair of friends. "Hey you guys!"
Toshiya's attention was averted over Die's shoulder. He grinned excitedly and pushed past the redhead to embrace Shinju.
"Babe! How did it go?" He let go and let her breathe, helpfully brushing Shinju's long golden fringe from her eyes. Die smiled at her, nervous on her behalf.
"I think I did okay. I mean� there was an awkward moment when I explained the reason for my leaving the last job, but I seemed to know what I was saying and the dancing went okay� it wasn't so hard. Nothing you and I both haven't done before. How are you two doing?"
"Okay I think� Die?"
"Hmm?" Die awoke from what seemed like a daze. "Yeah. This is a nice place. You'd fit in here a treat."
"Heh... I hope. Are we going now? I think I need a sit down and some coffee before I realise that all this has just actually happened." She hopped agitatedly from one foot to the other, her hair bouncing from side to side with the motions. She put on an impatient face.
"Well I need to talk to Miki, so I'll be hanging round a bit." Toshiya shrugged. "Why don't you two go? You don't want to be wasting your afternoon around here."
Die nodded in agreement.
"Meh, I guess. My flat is closest� you want to go loiter there for a while?" Shinju gave a smile.
"Sure. Thanks for telling me about this Totchi, and driving me and well, just everything." She stood on tiptoes and hugged him tightly. "See you later hon." She waved and linked arms with Die.
"Bye Toshiya." As he walked away, his arm was locked in Shinju's and it felt nice. They left the building.
*
"Toshiya?" Miki spoke quietly to the skinny form lying languidly on the lounge sofa.
"Hmm? Oh hey. I was wondering when you'd get let out. How's it going?" he sat up and shuffled along so that Miki could take a seat. She sat down with laboured motions and sighed into relaxation. "Tired?"
She rested her head on his shoulder.
"Mmhmm. And we have another day of it tomorrow."
"Urg. Well on the bright side� um� No more Sakura?" Toshiya leant back and let Miki rest her head in his lap. He ran his fingers though her hair, fiddling with the streaks of burgundy.
"True� Hmm� So what is the problem?" He looked down to see Miki staring back up at him knowingly. "Come on, don't give me that, I know something is wrong. What do you want to know?"
"Like an open book, eh?"
"With large fonts and clearly marked diagrams I'm afraid." Miki chuckled.
"It's to do with-"
"Kyo?"
"Yes. And-"
"Kaoru."
"Yes. Would you stop now? Do you want to hear of my tragic dilemma or are you just going to magic it out of my head?" Toshiya raised an eyebrow.
"Sure, sure. Go ahead."
"Well� the other night, I took Kyo down to the club� I thought since it's where we first met, and I dunno, it's such a big part of my life, I wanted him to see that.
"And you in sex-kitten garb?"
"Ha, that too. But anyway� so he and Kaoru came along and everything was going so well. Y'know, like the both of them were getting on fine and Kyo seemed to be having a good time and well, yeah. Everything was grand. I thought I was making progress, like he might finally start liking me as much as I like him. And the night was going to be perfect and we were just leaving and then� Kyo� left."
"�And?"
"No I mean like he ran away. From me. I must have done something and I don't know� I just flipped. I was thinking, what have I done? Doesn't he like me? Why aren't I good enough-"
"Oh Totchi� don't be stupid, of course you're good enough." Miki paused. "But wait� there's more, isn't there? What did you do?" Toshiya seemed to fix his gaze elsewhere, embarrassed and trying in vain to hide it.
"I� I was so frustrated and I felt so alone� he didn't want me and I wanted to be wanted� so I� Kaoru-"
"KAORU? What did you do with Kaoru?"
"We err� kissed." Toshiya winced and sighed. "And maybe a little back-ally groping."
"I see. Do you have feelings for Kaoru again?"
"No." The answer came out to quickly, and Toshiya knew it. He tried again. "I don't think so. I just needed to do something� to know that I'm not that awful. And he certainly wasn't resisting � he'd been flirting all evening, I guess that's why I did it. I knew I could. And now I feel all dirty. What was I thinking?"
"I can't say that I'm sure Totchi. Think about it� what was running through your mind?"
"Well that� that Kyo had gone. That I must of said something, because his face� the way he looked at me and then avoided my gaze - I was the problem. So he left and� I felt so. Hmm. Frustrated? And confused. I ran outside to breathe, and the cigarette wouldn't light, damnit. And there Kaoru was, looking like sex incarnate as he invariably does� and you know what? He wanted me. He probably always has, after all, if it has pants that he can get into, he'll chase it� but right then that counted for everything. He wanted me and I wanted to be wanted. So, I gave in. For all of thirty seconds, I did."
"Oh Toshiya..." Miki closed her eyes and sucked on her labret. "Does Kyo know?"
"No. I don't know what he'd say� whether it would affect him at all, I mean, if he doesn�t feel anything for me� But I want him� all the time. I only want Kaoru when I'm angry� when I've got nothing else left. He probably thinks I want him back now� I think that�s always been on his mind, but I've ignored it up until now. Oh God Miki, why doesn't Kyo want me?"
Miki sighed and sat up, combing the unruly hair form her face with her fingers.
"Look -" Her eyes stared imploringly. "Don't assume to know anything about Kyo's feelings, for better or for worse. Have you asked him about it? Have you called him since then?"
"Nope."
"Well then. I think there are two very important things to do. You need to sort things out with Kaoru, and then you need to sort out things with Kyo. Things need to be put straight and you're the only one who can do it. I'm only here to help you organise your thoughts, you're the one who has to put them into action."
"I know�" Toshiya smiled sadly.
"I know you know." Miki grinned. "So just� I dunno, invite Kaoru over to talk things through. Tell him how you feel. End it, even if there's nothing to end. Make sure he knows that. As for Kyo� just talk to him. Find out what he thinks before making any judgements about him or yourself. Do that and then figure out what the next step is."
"Where did I find you? You are amazing you know. I get why Shin wanted the change so badly� is it being a woman that makes you so insanely clever? I can't ever seem to sort these things out in my head."
"Well I shan't deny that being a woman is fantastic, but really all you need is logic. If you just tried thinking a bit before you get all worked up."
"Oh but then what would you do without my angst?" Toshiya giggled and raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Hmm. It would free up a LOT of time� I could raise a child or something."
"Haha, or something." There was a pause and they both sighed. "Thank you though. So much. You stop me from breaking into a million little pieces an awful lot of the time, and that doesn't go unappreciated."
"Glad to hear it. My bill is already in the post. I just hope you can afford my prices." Miki replied haughtily, a smile was creeping into the corners of her mouth, and her eyes bore a look of repressed laughter.
"Well I should hope so." Toshiya put on his serious face. "Or else I shall have to pay you back in big slobbery snogs, and that may cause quite a fuss."
"Indeed it might. So you'd probably best be off home, don't you think? Work things out. I know you can."
"Yeah� thanks."
"No problem."
Toshiya smiled.
"Can I?"
"You're as bad as he is, but sure. It's not even a bump though." Miki lifter her arms and let Toshiya reach across to touch her belly.
"Cool. Aww babes, this is so great. I hope I'm first in line for godfather." He stood up, smiling in a way that showed pride as well as daftness.
"But of course."
"Good." Toshiya bent forward and kissed Miki on the cheek. "Look after yourself honey. Or just call me and I'll look after you. And yeah. Love you."
"Bye Totchi. Love you too." And Miki sat smiling as Toshiya gave a final wave and left the building. He had to go home and sort things out.
*
"Milk and the usual five sugars then?" Die chuckled as he made coffee. Shinju dawdled round his kitchen, paying attention to the bread bin, to the microwave.
"Semi-skimmed and no sugar� I've had to cut down on sugar recently, it's not good for the figure." She turned to Die and her head tilted to the side, pink lips smiling. Die shuddered and then found words.
"What figure? I don't know what you girls go on about sometimes, 'my tummy' this and 'my bum' that. You may have gained some curve but there's barely anything on you." He ladled a spoon of sugar into Shinju's coffee and lifted the two cups off the side. "Come sit down and relax. Tell me about the audition or interview or what ever it was."
The two of them left the kitchen and moved into the living room. Sitting down, Die exhaled in a way that was not quite a sigh and handed Shinju her coffee.
"You said it went well� what sort of questions did they ask you?"
"Bog standard stuff really� which I suppose if you're not in the business you wouldn't know. Just� hmm, where you've worked previously, what experience you have� why you want the job, how you feel you can contribute, blah blah blah�" Shinju closed her eyes for a second, tilting her head and mimicking sleep before righting herself with a quiet giggle.
"Well you sound as if you know what you're doing� and you're smiling now, so everything went okay?"
"Yeah� well they asked me about my dismissal from my last job� why it happened, which was sort of� well, embarrassing." Her cheeks glowed red for a second and she averted her gaze to the coffee mug, raising it to her mouth as if to obscure her face. "But they seemed okay with it. Miki helped me out by not letting it turn into a big thing."
"Uhuh. So, it looked really nice in there� much better than the old Club."
"It is! The toilets are fantastic! You didn't even want to see the staff toilet at the Club� and they even have a dance room!"
"So you're looking forward to working there then?"
"Duh! Well� if I get the place that is. The other girls were hot stuff, that�s for sure." Shinju's eyes were dark and almond shaped beneath fronds of an auburn fringe. "But here's hoping." She smiled. "If the worst comes to the worst, I'll be living with Toshiya and working in Macdonald's. What fun that would be."
Die was not altogether sure what was going on. His eyes scanned Shinju's face. Was this the same face he used to know? His thoughts jammed and his mouth worked on auto-cue.
"I'd come in and buy a shake off you in my lunch hour."
"You're too kind." She smiled again. Her teeth were white and unstained by tobacco. "Speaking of lunch hours, how is your work going? Still working down at the labs?"
"Yep. I'm still quite enjoying it. I have a fair amount of authority, managing the transportation department, and I'm on a decent wage. And I can still skive off and go chat to Kyo when I feel like it. It's all good really." Now Die smiled, and his smile was cheeky and confused. He ran a hand through the scarlet of his hair and swigged his coffee.
"Good." She leant forward and placed the empty coffee mug on the table. "You know, everything seems to be looking up at the moment." Die watched her speaking and couldn't hear. His coffee sat neglected on the coaster. He had to do something about this feeling, get rid of it, remove it, something - anything. "It's much better than-"
And then her mouth was covered with Die's, and his hands were over her shoulders, over her back. She was shocked for a moment, eyes widened, her hands floating without purpose by her sides. Then that melted away, and there was no thinking, only touching, Shinju was lying back, cradled in Die's arms and then squirming up against him as he moaned into the kiss. Die was groping, kissing, involved a lip-lock that seemed unwilling to break. He knelt up and Shinju was beneath him, this was beyond thought, beyond everything and-
--blip--
"LET'S BRING ON OUR NEXT SPECIAL GUEST�"
Both of them jumped apart in shock as the television turned on at full volume.
"I uh-" Die came back to his senses� what just happened? Shinju seemed just as confused, her dark eyes looking away, and the back of her hand wiping smeared lip-gloss from her face. With her other hand, she shakily fished out the television remote from under a sofa cushion.
The television blared on but there was silence between them.
"Maybe you should� go home�" Shinju nodded. "I can drive you� if you want." She shook her head and stood up quietly.
Die stood and moved to the door, opening it and letting her through.
"Shin-"
"-Don't." She walked away.
*
Die sat down, picking up the remote and turning the television off. The silence seemed almost deafening now, so he sat down and rested his head in his hands.
What the hell was that all about? He'd kissed Shinju, kissed a friend, kissed an ex, and most importantly, kissed a girl. He tried to replay things slowly to make sense. Shinju was here, and they had been talking� he had watched her. Looked at her. Her eyes were the same shape as Shinya's, the same colour� but they shone with a different light. Her shoulders were the same as Shinya's, a little too wide, a little too square, but they slouched daintily now, it seemed. Her laugh was so similar to his, her mannerisms, her smile. But they too were different, and that pushed Die away. The way her hips had curve now, the way her chest no longer stood completely flat. Shinju was not Shinya, could never be him. She was a friend� a friend that Die happened to have just stuck his tongue down the throat of.
Logic seemed to be failing Die at this present moment in time. There had just been a second when everything spiralled out of control, and everything else had seemed so distant. The force that pushed him forward had seemed so strong it was almost violent, sending him smashing into Shinju, crushing up against her in a wave of needy lust. During that time, he couldn't even be sure that he was thinking, only knowing that it needed to be done, that it was the only possibly thing he could do right then. Then the television had gone and everything had rushed back like blood to the head, in one screaming mass of reality. But whilst all that returned, something else left, or at least made itself disappear, for now.
He had felt strange and vulnerable, as if not being in control of his actions meant he was open to attack. Shinju's face� he couldn't read it then. Couldn't even begin to imagine what the poor girl was thinking. And when she left�
Die sighed again and went to get a drink.
*
Shinju flung the door open and slammed it shut behind her, the world still swirling and her head making very little sense of the last half hour's events. She had been sitting there, and then suddenly Die was on top of her and very little else had seemed to matter.
Now everything hurt, as if old wounds had been reopened. Shinju had convinced herself that she could be Die's friend, that Die could be hers, if only everything else was forgotten. However, it was too late now, what had been pushed aside was now awake and buzzing around in Shinju's head. She had been doing just fine, and everything had been balanced and going forward in a straight line. Now the scales were tipped and everything was a roller coaster - forwards was barely a recognisable direction.
Shinju took a deep breath and let things settle. Her train of thought was merely making her panic more, so she attempted to relax. She ran over things again. Die had made it more than clear he could never love her again� but then, what was that? If he was gay, surely that couldn't have happened. She had been so shocked that for a second, time stood still, and all that had been ran through her head, and all the options of what to do next.
She could have pushed him away and run, pushed him away and asked him� stopped for a second. But then the only real option seemed to be to lose herself in the situation, to lose herself in Die.
The consequence was that everything was skewed now, her emotions running riot. Shinju didn't know what to think, or what to feel. At the time she had wanted to believe, if only for a moment, that Die wanted her back. She wished she could know what Die had been thinking then; if his intent had been to hurt, or if it was just blind lust inflicted on the nearest person.
The day had definitely been eventful. Shinju went to have a shower.
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