Miki sat uncomfortably, unable to feel at rest in this place. There was definitely something very dark about the atmosphere, here where women came to destroy their oncoming maternity. She noticed at least three young girls who couldn't be over seventeen. There was a woman who looked about forty and had five small children running round her ankles. Every now and then she would mutter something to the offspring and they would quieten down a bit before resuming their boisterous play, oblivious to where they were and why.
In another corner a couple sat stiff and icy, not talking. One of them didn't want to be there, but it was not obvious which. There was a rigid and cold silence that lay between them and Miki felt sorry for them both, as this pregnancy was obviously tearing them apart. She was glad that he did not know and did not have to be here. Guilt plugged her stomach. It was not helped by a sudden outburst from one of the younger girls.
"Father please! I want to keep it!"
"Keep it like hell! Sit down girl." In the face of this, the girl wilted and sat down. Miki felt her heart reach out but was stunted by the entirely oppressive nature of the place. Secretly she wanted the girl to keep it. Because she knew the girl wanted to keep it too.
"Tanaka Miki-san?" A nurse looked round the waiting room hopefully until Miki caught her eye.
"Yes?"
"We're ready for you in here." Miki nodded and got up to follow the nurse, all the time aware of the nervous eyes that followed her out of the waiting room.
The actual room was quite small and very white. It smelled of disinfectant, but there was a metallic tang hidden in the background that suggested blood. Miki sat on the bed and looked around. The nurse was female and quite attractive in a slightly too skinny way. The doctor was middle aged but seemed in his way, quite sexless and Miki did not feel intimidated by him. His limp, grey-brown hair fell loosely from its side parting and he looked briskly over the top of his glasses.
"Right. Miki is it?" A friendly smile passed over his lips.
"Yes."
"And how old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
"How far pregnant are you? Do you know?" For a second, his eyes rested on Miki's stomach and then returned to her face, inquiring for the answer.
"Only a month at most. I don't know exactly."
"I see. And you know what this entails?"
"My pregnancy will be aborted."
"Yes� though it can damage your health, especially if you're looking to have children at a later date. You're aware of this?"
"Yes." This thought played over in Miki's head� the thought of actually having a child hadn't really crossed her mind since she was a young girl, planning her imaginary future with her friends. She had wanted a daughter back then.
"When your pregnancy is terminated, we will give you an injection. The remains will be burnt and destroyed� you may take the ashes to a shrine if you wish. Is this okay with you?"
"Yes."
"I've killed countless children. Is this really right? Is it is what you want?"
Children? When was it too late to have children? There was suddenly a reluctance to let go of this - the beginnings of a child that she carried. It was a baby. This thought suddenly got stuck on repeat in her head like a scratched record. This thing she was going to destroy wasn't just the reason she was going to have to leave the club, it was a child. He'd killed countless children. Was hers just another in this vague statistic?
"I'll ask again. Is this really okay with you? Are you prepared?"
"No." The answer came without her thinking about it. "I� I'm sorry. I don't think I can do this."
The doctor smiled as if he had been expecting this all along.
"Are you sure?"
"I think so. I just can't do this."
"I see." He put his clipboard onto a work surface and stood up. "Is there someone you would like to call?" Miki nodded. "The father?"
"Hell no� this guy won't be fathering anyone anytime soon. Besides� I haven't told the father."
"I understand." The doctor nodded knowledgeably. "There's a payphone just out in the corridor. Punch in this code first and you can free phone." He handed her a card with a number scrawled on it.
"Thank you. I'm sorry I wasted your time."
"Not at all. I hope things turn out for the best." Miki nodded and walked out to the pay phone. It was only then that she noticed she was shaking. She took a deep breath to calm herself and wished she had a cigarette. She had given up years ago when she and Toshiya had both vowed never to smoke again. Toshiya had gone back to his ciggies after little over a week but Miki had kept it up. She dialled in the code and then punched in the number she knew best.
"Hello?"
"Totchi? It's me. C-can you pick me up please? I'm at the clinic."
"Of course."
And in less than five minutes he was there.
"Shit Miki! Are you okay? Did they just let you out after all that? Did it hurt? My God are you going to be okay, I-"
"I couldn't do it."
"What?"
"I couldn't do it. I was in there on the bed and he asked me and I couldn't." Miki's legs gave way and Toshiya caught her as she fell, lifting her off the floor and stumbling over to the car. He placed her into the passenger seat at then walked round and sat in front of the wheel. She giggled quietly.
"I didn�t know you could still do that."
"Shut up!" Toshiya stuck his tongue out and started up the engine. "I see you're fine then." Miki let her head roll to the side so that she was looking at Toshiya.
"Yeah� fine for now. But in the long run� What the hell am I going to do?"
"I don't know, my love. Does this mean you�re going to keep it?" Toshiya had seen plenty of girls in the business who had fallen fowl of lovers cared for too much or a split condom and who'd had to take a trip down to the clinic. He pulled out of the car park and started back to Not Kabuki.
"I guess so. I don't think I can go through with getting rid of it. This isn't like the good old days of high alcohol consumption and a hot bath where you either lost the baby, lost your life or gained a hang over. It�s a yes/no decision now and� I don't know. I think I want this baby. Even though it's going to cost me everything. And I mean everything. It's going to cost me my job, my lover and my accommodation. It's got me buggered from all angles, the little so-and-so."
"But not your bestest friend in the whole wide world. Don't forget that."
"Ha. I won't. You're lumped with me. Though I think I have to do this by myself. Just be prepared for when I turn up on your doorstep with my suitcases after I finally work out how to tell him."
"I'll be waiting. You know I will." He stopped. Not Kabuki loomed ominously. Miki leant over and pecked him on the cheek.
"I know. And it means the world to me. Thank you." Miki got out the car and went inside. She had some thinking to do.
*
"I can't believe they split up." Toshiya whined. He was running on an emotional high right now, which was likely to crash very soon into an emotional low.
"I know." Kyo sighed.
"They were so good together."
"Yeah�"
Toshiya changed the television channel and shifted his position on the couch. The program - some soap opera - showed two characters joyously reuniting after some story-line bust up. Toshiya changed the channel again.
"I mean I was so sure�" Kyo started. "I know they're hadn't been together that long... but it just seemed right, and Die seemed so happy� He really did love Shinya�"
"As did Shinya love Die. I think the news that his op was coming up so soon shocked him too."
"Did he always want it done? I mean, to change?" Kyo munched on crisps thoughtfully. He was not really watching what was on television and suspected Toshiya wasn't either.
"Yeah... apparently since he was very little, he knew something was wrong. He told his mother about it when he was nineteen. You can guess she wasn't very pleased. He's been on the oestrogen pills for a while now. Which would be why he started dieting a while back... oestrogen makes you pile on the pounds."
"What you mean otherwise he'd be looking thin as a rake like a certain Toshiya I may or may not know." Kyo gave Toshiya a playful poke in the ribs. It was true there wasn't much else there. "Hanging around with you makes me feel all chubby." Kyo poked his own belly.
"Don't be silly! Besides, this is much better that I used to be� when I was seventeen I stopped eating almost totally for a whole week because I needed to look good for a club audition. Miki nearly killed me though. Said I was going to kill myself that way and if I carried on, she'd do it for me. But I don't know� I've just always been in the habit of monitoring my weight and balancing calories. Probably the only reason I passed maths in school you know. The result was that I resembled some sort of hat stand. I thought maybe if I looked better�"
"Better?!" Kyo snorted and nearly coughed all his drink back up in the process. "Than what? You are one of the most beautiful people I know. Next you'll be telling me you need to take Prozac in the hopes of becoming a nicer and more caring person."
Toshiya squirmed under Kyo's sudden attention. He liked that - it made him feel as though he was the only person Kyo would ever talk with like this.
"Aww shut up Kyo. It's not as simple as that� I just felt ugly, okay? Besides, I've managed to put a lot of it back on since though, else I would have wasted away." There was a pause as Toshiya stared into the television, past it, rather than watching the actual images. "Shit. Why does it have to go wrong? Why did the moron break up with Shinya?"
"Why did he break up with Shinya? I think Shinya really hurt him� I don't think he was expecting Shinya to turn around and throw it back in his face."
"Back in his face? But Shinya is crazy about him. I haven't seen him smile once since his relationship with Die blew up."
"Right. So they're both dotty about each other. What is the issue?"
"I think it's Shin's penis." Toshiya giggled as Kyo went red. "Well it is. Die wants him to keep it, Shinya wants it off."
"Fair enough� I mean it must have been a shock. I don't think Die has ever really been into girls. I mean it was a little hazy in his early teens� but I think everyone is just figuring themselves out then."
"I guess� I know I was rooting for Shinya and hoping that Die could change the habit of his lifetime. Do you think this means they'll never get back together?" Toshiya eyes were wide and seemed to beg Kyo for some sort of comfort.
"I don't know� I guess in the back of my mind I've been thinking they'll work it out. And every day that Die just mopes around, it strengthens that belief. He misses Shinya. But every day he doesn't do anything about it� I don't know anymore..." Kyo sighed at this last remark and Toshiya just rested his head on Kyo's shoulder.
"It's all going to pieces Kyo. Shinya and Die� and now Miki's pregnant-"
"Miki's pregnant?"
"Oops." Toshiya clapped his hands over his mouth before relaxing and letting them down again. "Well I guess it's not like you're going to tell anyone. Yeah... it's the Boss's. She was going to abort� but I picked her up from the clinic this morning... she couldn't go through with it..."
Kyo maintained a puzzled look.
"But why would she want to abort? I thought she was living the high life? Isn't her relationship a stable one?"
"Not really..."
"But� they've been seeing each other since�? How many years ago?"
"About two and a half. What is your point?"
"I don't get it� if they've been together for so long...?"
"Well when Miki joined the place, the Boss started asking her out. But generally with these things, its only temporary - a Boss will like one of his employees and so they make the most of it until another favourite develops. Miki is really lucky that it's lasted this long. However there's a rule at Not Kabuki and that is no pregnancies. It is the same at many clubs. The girls aren't allowed to get pregnant because that sort of thing doesn't sell, so pregnancy is made a breach of contract. If Miki wants to stay at Not Kabuki then she can't keep the baby�. But now she's keeping the baby� I don't know what's going to happen�" Worry had now plastered itself over Toshiya's face, his emotions quite clearly starting to crest.
"Has she told him? I mean it is his baby too."
"Well I don't think so� It seems I'm telling everyone to tell someone something important. And I'm not helping� Maybe I'm just making things worse. Shinya is alone because I told him to tell Die� maybe- maybe�" Toshiya was flustered now, searching for words "maybe if I hadn't told him to, Shinya would still be happy." His eyes welled up with tears. "I mean why do people ask me? I couldn't even keep a relationship going with Kaoru� and� and-" The sniffles broke open as Toshiya started to cry.
Kyo moved a hand to touch Toshiya's back, and before he knew it, Toshiya was in his arms sobbing, quiet and painful sounds escaping his lips. Not knowing what else to do, he held Toshiya tightly in an attempt to cull this sudden anguish. It was deeply distressing to see him so upset. Without thinking, he started to hum, to a tune he didn't really know, with words that remained inside of his head. He hummed and rocked until the noise stopped.
"I j-just want to help but-"
"Don't be silly. What do you think would have happened if Shinya hadn't told Die? And what happened with Kaoru wasn't your fault. People come to you for advice because they know what a lovely person you are!" Kyo broke the embrace and looked at Toshiya. "I mean look what you did for me� when my mother died. No one's ever seemed to care so much."
Toshiya smiled and the tear tracks on his cheeks glistened.
"Aww. You're too cute. And don't pout just because I said that. I mean it, you know just what to say."
"Well it�s a highly depressing thing to see you cry. What's going on?"
"I dunno� it just seems like everything is falling apart at the seams, you know? A week ago, all was high and dandy, and now everyone is coming down again." He wiped the tears away, leaving his face smeared and blotchy. "Crap. Now I probably look terrible. Ah well, I guess there are more important things happening than me looking gross." Toshiya pulled his fingers through his hair, a gesture more of frustration than vanity. Kyo smiled for a second and tugged playfully on Toshiya's earring.
"I'm sure things will turn out for the best. And if you want to talk then I'm always here."
"Talk to the blond, eh?" Toshiya ruffled Kyo's hair, revenge for the earring.
"Hey it's not natural!" Kyo pouted, causing his various lip piercings to stand out even further.
"Aww. I'm sorry. But thank you. And more sorry... I didn't mean to offload all of that onto you."
"That�s fine. What are friends for?" Kyo smiled and all the metal seemed to reflect from totally different angles. This entertained Toshiya greatly� sometimes he's say things just to try and drag a smile out of the little man.
"Tickling mainly. However, you're safe for now� I have to go." Toshiya stood up and made his way towards the door. He was getting better at navigating the place by the day. Kyo opened the door and Toshiya stepped through the thresh hold.
"Thanks Kyo. For being here. It's very much appreciated." He leant forward and kissed Kyo on the cheek before striding off down the manky corridor.
Kyo closed the door and leant against it from the inside. Toshiya really was an enigma. He needed to talk to Die.
*
Kyo wandered the evening streets of Kyoto on his way to Die's. He pulled his sleeves further down over his hands instinctively, a habit refined over many years. There was a sign in a store window proclaiming sales of up to fifty percent. He would have to tell Toshiya� an affectionate smile crept across his face as he thought of the lanky young man running yet another mad shopping spree for clothes he did not need.
He turned another corner and a pang in his stomach twisted as he thought of how upset Toshiya had been earlier. The melancholy effect of break-ups had seemed to have affected them all. He wondered how Die was coping and his hand clenched a little tighter around the pack of beer he was taking for him. He knew Die back to front, and the only way he was getting any response would be alcohol.
He let himself into Die's block and took the elevator up. The smell of a half-decent apartment accommodation filled his nose. It was pleasant, but somehow he still preferred the rank odour of his own residence.
In the corridor he knocked on Die's door. The red head opened it, his slightly drawn face lighting up when he saw Kyo.
"Hey� what are you doing here?" He stood back to let the smaller man in.
"Coming to see you. You need some cheering up� so I brought beer." He held the cans up for Die's inspection. "Sorry if it's not the right stuff� I never shop for alcohol�" Suddenly Kyo found himself crushed in the long limbed embrace if Die.
"Aww Kyo, you shouldn't have�" he took the beer and looked it over before pulling off a can and breaking it open. He took a swig and sat down, Kyo following his lead, sitting back and watching Die gulp down the drink.
"So how are you feeling?"
"Fine. I'm� fine." Kyo took his glasses of and wiped them on part of his shirt before replacing them on his nose. "How about you?"
"Yeah... I'm great�" Die snapped open another beer
*
"Well I guess� I do miss him� a lot�" Die smiled sadly. "I mean� I saw this little girl wearing a hello kitty tee shirt just like his and my stomach went all funny� because hello kitty was his favourite, you know? And when I got home, I checked and I found one if his tee shirts underneath my bed� and it still smelled of him� he wore cheap girls' perfume, and it worked for him like it could never work for a million girls." He took a big breath. Kyo smiled. He was making progress and the beer was definitely helping. "And sometimes is like there's a big hole there� because it was all so sudden, like he was just ripped out."
"Shinya just lives across the way you know. He's not dead."
"I know... and I'm glad... because even if I hate him for just throwing all this at me... I still love him�" Die threw the can in the bin.
Kyo paused for a second. Things had been concerning him recently.
"Die?"
"Hmm?"
"How do you know when you are in love?" The question took Die by surprise, but it was quickly followed by a sloppy grin.
"Glad you asked me� But it's hard to explain� it's like your soul is sleeping and when you fall in love, it starts to wake up� but its feels different when you fall in love with different people� and you'll never really know until you feel it, and then you'll know� And then if it's taken away� if the person is gone, then there's something missing, in everything, because they are there in everything and then they are not� sometimes it hard to breathe." Die finished. Kyo absorbed this information and wondered if perhaps Die should stop drinking now. "Why? Have you fallen for someone?"
"I� No, you know me. Anyway� you do know Shinya isn't gone for good? He hasn't gone anywhere, Toshiya say's he's moping around for lack of you. If you just talked to him, maybe you could sort things out�"
"I can't."
"But if you miss him? Surely-"
"It's not as simple as that! I don't know� my brain is wired one way, you can't suddenly clout me round the head and expect it to rewire differently. I mean� what would you do? Can you honestly say what you would do if someone you loved turned round and told you they were going to change genders?"
"I don't know� but you didn't always think you were gay Die. Surely there was a time when you thought girls were attractive? What has changed since then?"
"A lot. A lot has changed since then� I told you how many years ago? I'm attracted to men. I don't know why, just like I don't know why some men are attracted to women. But that�s the way I am."
"And why did you fall for Shinya in the first place? Please don't tell me it was his manly physique and dominance in the bedroom."
"No-"
"Then what?"
"I�" Die thought about it. The first glance he had caught of Shinya, he had not been entirely sure of his gender, as if the boy waltzed on the line, fluttering long lashes and showing smooth thighs beneath a short skirt on the dance floor. But then he had spoken, and Die knew he was talking to someone male, his voice was deep, although it held every speech pattern of a woman and was soft to some un-palpable level. It was very female, but still tainted almost, by the depths of masculinity. And it escaped from such a delicate mouth. "It was his voice� I loved his voice."
"Oh because he sounds so butch!" Sarcasm reigned free from Kyo as he failed to see Die's logic.
"Not that� I don't know, it was just so� inviting." Die smiled with fond recollections.
"And was this invitation labelled all male and ready to wrestle and watch action movies?"
"No."
"So there we go then. How attracted to males are you? Is that all you ever wanted in Shinya? His package? Because that is what you are clinging on to. When you told me you were gay, you said something about crossing the gender barrier to find love."
"Well I did that. But I've crossed it now. I don't want to go back- I'm happy here."
"Sure Die, what ever you're telling yourself. But the fact is if you want Shinya, if you miss him, the only thing stopping you is yourself. I bet if you turned up at Shinya's this very second, he'd welcome you back with open arms."
There was a silence as Die sulked. He knocked back the last can of beer. Kyo was pretty sure he was only getting away with talking like this because Die was rather intoxicated. But he was pretty sure that Die had only drunk all that beer because he was upset. Then he noticed Die's shuddering form.
"Die?" he looked up, bleary eyed - his face blotchy and red. "Oh Die, I'm sorry." Kyo embraced the skinny taller man, sorry at once for his harsh words.
"I do miss him Kyo. I-I miss him so much�" Die was blubbering now, in the way that drunken men often do, his beery breath heating Kyo's shoulders. "But he's lost to me as a lover� I can't feel attracted to a woman� and� and�"
Kyo stroked his fingers through Die's long red locks.
"I know� I know� but when you're feeling brave, you might want to talk to Shinya� as a friend. Even if you can't forgive him for lying to you, imagine what he's going through. He's going to need lots of support at this point in his life. So just-"
"I can't� not after what I said� what I did� it will be awkward." Die sat up and broke his embrace from Kyo.
"Only if you make it uncomfortable. When you're feeling brave." Kyo smiled at his friend, who smiled back, the drink fading from his face.
"Thanks Kyo. You're my best friend."
"I know."
"Such a modest man."
"That too." They both started to laugh.
"I'm serious. I wouldn't be dealing with this otherwise."
"Sure you would. You're dealing would just involve more vodka."
"Yeah I know." Die sighed.
"Anyway. We have work tomorrow. I'm going to have to go."
"No!" Die grabbed Kyo's arm frantically. "Please don't� just for tonight?" Kyo sighed. As Die's grip on his arm loosened, he smiled.
"Yeah. Of course."
Die went straight to his room and began to undress and Kyo went to use the bathroom. He opened the window and lit up a cigarette, inhaling deeply. Resting the cigarette on the sink, he stripped down to his shirt and underwear and washed his face. He observed his face in the mirror, pulling at a lip piercing before taking another drag on his smoke. He crushed it into the wet porcelain surface and threw it into the bin.
When he entered the bedroom, Die was already lying under the covers. He smiled groggily at as the smaller man entered the room, turning round to face Kyo as he got into the bed next to him.
"Tell me Kyo� do you think we've changed at all since when we used to do this way back in college?"
Kyo yawned, removing his glasses and placing them on the bedside table. He turned, looking at Die on soft focus to answer his question.
"Yes� we have. In a way, we're still the same� but so much has changed�"
Die nodded
"And do you think� if everything were different. Would it all be the same?"
"Of course." Then there was only breathing. Die's skinny arm curled round Kyo and held him tight in a slumbering embrace. Kyo exhaled and let the events of the day run through his head. Sometimes it�s hard to breathe. For a second, he fathomed that he could feel compression on his lungs. Then he realised Die had just upped his hugging strength. Without a second thought, Kyo fell asleep.
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