"Hello?"
"Hey, Miki?"
"Oh hey Shinya! How are you doing?"
"Okay, I guess. A bit busy."
"Well I'd guess so what with a whole Die on your hands. Did he like the underwear?"
"Oh yes. He was very appreciative, if I can put it that way."
"So you two have been up to all sorts I take it." Miki could practically hear Shinya blush on the other end of the phone.
"Indeed. But things have got complicated."
"How's that? He hasn't developed a rare and tropical disease causing him to turn purple and hiccup during sex has he?"
"No! It's not him, its me-"
"My God! Shinya you haven't developed a rare and tropical disease have you? Because if you have, you're not borrowing any more of my underwear."
Shinya was laughing in spite of himself.
"Nope. In fact, if anything this will be a reason for my to steal your underwear on a more regular basis. I'm getting my operation the Saturday after next."
"Finally! Shinya babe, that�s fantastic! Little on the short notice though."
"Yeah. That�s the complicated part. I'm telling Die today.
"Oo-er."
"Yeah, tell me about it."
"Well good luck. I have to be going, I was just about to go out."
"Okay. I just thought I'd tell you."
"Good job you did! I wish you all the best with Die and the op! Love you!"
"Me too! Bye!"
"Bye!"
Shinya hung up and sighed, his heart in his throat and pounding. He needed all the luck he could get. On the other side of the city, Miki too was nervous. She had to do this, if only to show herself it wasn't true. Which of course it wouldn't be. Of course. It would be fine.
*
"Kyo, are you sure it's not burning?"
"Yes, I'm sure it's not burning."
"Sure?"
"Yes." Kyo sighed patiently and watched Toshiya giggle behind Shinya's back.
"Sorry! I'm just nervy. I want everything to go perfectly." Toshiya gave Shinya's hand a squeeze.
"It'll be fine Shin-chan. But poking Kyo constantly won't make it any better."
"Sorry."
"Its fine." Kyo smiled broadly. "I'm happy to help." He pushed his glasses further up his nose, turning to check something in the oven.
"Shin babe, just concentrate on yourself, and how you're going to do things, okay? If you plan it all, then what can go wrong? Now go wash your hair!"
"Yes Toshiya!" Shinya stuck his tongue out and curtseyed mockingly. "Anything you say!"
"Good, now get on with it you whippersnapper!" Toshiya smacked Shinya's backside with the newspaper as the younger man skipped from the room. "Thanks again Kyo. If you weren't helping, Shinya would be in tears already."
"That�s fine. It's not like I had anything better to do today. Plus Shinya seems really nice."
"He's a sweet boy."
"Yeah. It's great that Die found him. Although I have yet to find out what the hell Die has done to deserve a romantic meal with Shinya. What is this all about?"
Toshiya sighed.
"I wish I could tell you, but really it's Shinya's business. I can't have it getting back to Die before Shinya has had the chance to talk to him about it." And that was the truth. The worst that could possibly happen would be for Die to find out second hand that his boyfriend intended to become his girlfriend in the very near future.
"I see." Kyo resumed a glum pout before putting something into the oven.
*
"How about this one?"
"No. You'd look like an old fogey. How did tweed even make it into your wardrobe Shin? I am ashamed."
Shinya threw the offending garment onto the floor and pulled out a sleek and sexier number. Kyo just stared whilst Toshiya advised.
"This one?" He held it up against his slim form and struck a pose.
"Too sexy. You'll never get time to tell him anything, he'll have you on your back before you can say 'hello kitty'."
"True. I can't be doing with distractions again. Else this will never get done. I'm guessing that means this one is out of the question?" he held another one up and dropped it again when Toshiya nodded his head.
"Shinya just dress as you. I know this is an important occasion, but it is very necessary for Die to see that it is just you talking. Pick something that you feel comfortable in. Don't go over the top. I guarantee that�s the best way to go. Same with make up too. No drag queenie. Just Shinya."
Shinya nodded.
"Thanks Totchi. I don't know where I'd be without you." Toshiya laughed.
"I'd dread to think. However, Kyo and I really must be going."
"Do you have to?" Shinya dropped everything and scrabbled over to where Toshiya and Kyo stood.
"'Fraid so babe. You'll have to fend for yourself, but I know you'll manage. With everything."
"Shinya, everything is in the oven, but it�s not turned on, so everything will stay warm." Kyo had sorted practically everything out. "If you have any trouble, just call Toshiya he'll get a hold of me."
"Thank you Kyo!" Shinya dragged the blond into a perky hug that had not been expected. "And Toshiya. I'll tell you everything." He hugged Toshiya and proceeded to let the two of them out of the apartment. That part had gone fine. Now he just had to deal with the part where he actually told Die.
*
When Die buzzed on the intercom, he was told that the door was unlocked so he could let himself in. Intrigued, he took the lift and, arriving at Shinya's door, found it was indeed unlocked. After a moments pause he pushed the handle and entered.
He gasped.
Everything looked so beautiful. Shinya had cleaned the place to perfection, and now the lights were low and candles were everywhere. There was a soft and ethereal feeling to everything. The table had a lace tablecloth and nice china plates and long candles. Shinya had told him that tonight would be very important� but this outdid everything. It looked so perfect.
The sound of a throat being cleared startled him from the moment of serenity and he turned so see Shinya standing in the doorway to his room. He leant against the doorpost and gave a brief smile. Die was in awe again.
"My God� Shinya�"
Shinya was wearing an awkward full-length summer dress over a pair of jeans. It was the first dress he ever bought. It had come from a charity shop, he hadn't had the money back then, but it was so pretty. He'd loved it so much that he walked in, and when no one was looking, held it up against himself. Then he bought it. He suspected the woman at the till may have given him a funny look, but he just reasoned to himself that he could be buying it for his mother, or his sister or his girlfriend. No one had to know it was for him� after all, what would they think? He had been only fifteen, sixteen soon after. When he found the dress in his wardrobe, Shinya had laughed at all of those memories before realising he had to wear that dress tonight. It symbolised to him the first time he had realised to an extent that this is what he was going to have to do.
The jeans were just what he felt like wearing. It was strange; the two items just went together. He'd got no make up on and left his hair down.
"Everything looks so wonderful� did you do all this?"
Shinya nodded.
"Yes� well Kyo helped with the food and Toshiya helped with the Kyo." This statement induced a chuckle from Die.
"This all looks so fantastic. C'm'ere Shinya." And Shinya ran fleeting into his arms, trying to stabilise his emotions in the all too steady embrace of Die. "Now what is this all about?" Shinya broke free.
"Please take a seat Die." His smile quivered and regained itself as he drew back a seat from the table and indicated for Die to sit down. Die complied, laughing as Shinya tucked him in. "I shall fetch the food. Don't go anywhere!"
"Oh believe me, I have no intention of doing anything of the sort." A daft grin plastered itself over Die's face as he watched Shinya disappear into the kitchen. He noted the mushy power ballad that he instantly recognised as being by E playing in the background and hummed along until Shinya returned - a plate on each hand and a bottle of wine crooked in his arm.
"Here, let me help you." Die took the wine, and poured it into the glasses already set on the table as Shinya set the food down. "Wow! This looks great!" He handed a glass to Shinya.
"Thanks." Shinya sat down, fidgeting with his long brown hair nervously. "Please, start." He felt it difficult to pronounce the long sentences of conversation as the tension grew inside him.
"You know what? I will." The food was fantastic, but not distracting enough that Die didn't notice the way Shinya was acting. "Shinya? Shinya you said tonight was very important. What is this about?"
There was a nod, and Shinya stood.
"Die, I need to tell you something. But I need to tell you everything first. And I need you just to listen, and then make your judgement." He paused and Die nodded cluelessly.
"Die, when I first met you, I thought you were possibly the most amazing person ever. And when you are away I think of you, and when you're near me I feel happy. Deliriously. After working in strip clubs and dance bars since I left home, I never thought anyone could make me feel so wanted� so attractive and needed. Like I matter to someone. And all I want to do is make you feel the same because I� I've fallen hopelessly in love with you.
"Die, I love you." Tears started to roll down Shinya's face and Die's eyes glistened.
"Shinya I lo-"
"-DON'T!" Shinya interrupted painfully. "Please, not until I've finished. I love you because you're you and you're happy with that, and you make me feel like me. But I'm not me. The Shinya that you know is not complete."
"What do you mean?"
"I wear dresses Die. I have long hair and wear make up and I wear girls' clothes. For some men that means nothing, but for me it's a way of getting closer to myself. I know you want me as the man I am now. I know I seem like a man. But that's just a mistake that happened when I was born. Really I'm a woman."
Die had his mouth open and appeared to be attempting words. His voice faltered before-
"You what?"
"I have the operation in less than two weeks." Shinya forced himself onwards. He could see Die's face falling into a look of extreme disbelief. "Someone dropped out of having theirs done, so I was moved up on the list. I wanted to tell you Die-"
"When did you find out?"
"On Saturday."
"So you knew last time I saw you?"
"Yes� I couldn't tell you because I knew you'd-"
"-What? You knew I'd what, Shin? Freak out? Well I'm fucking freaking out here!" Die's head spun. Shinya wanted�. Shinya was going to� a girl?
"Please� Die - please�" Shinya leant forward and tried to touch Die's hand, but Die jerked backwards, standing up from the table.
"Get away from me! It's disgusting� You knew!" He was shouting now, and Shinya had stood up to face him, the look of pain on his face accentuated by the gleam of tears.
"I'm sorry! I wish I could be who you want me to be! But I can't� I just can't manage it any longer� this is finally my change. I love y-"
"SHUT UP! Don't give me that!" Die ignored Shinya's reaction. "I thought maybe you did! And this is what happens? I should have guessed something was wrong, things were just too perfect� And to think that I actually believed there was a chance you loved me!"
"But I do! I� I do so much! It's still me here. I've always been me inside; it's just my body� I was just hoping that you could love me even if I changed." Shinya tried again to lay a hand on Die's arm, but he was deflected viciously.
"I SAID don't touch me. You hoped wrong Shinya. It's over! I'm going." Die attempted to barge his way towards the door, and had it open by the time Shinya managed to step in the way.
"Please don't leave Die. I love you. Please don't-"
"-Get out of my way!" He hit Shinya who reeled out of the way as Die strided off down the stairs, too frustrated to wait for the lift. Brushing angry tears from his eyes, he tried to ignore the pang of guilt from pushing Shinya� he hit his boyfriend was all� EX boyfriend� and yet on some subconscious level, he felt like he just did something dreadful.
In the apartment, Shinya stroked his swollen cheek, wet from the river of tears that flowed freely down it. He should have known it wouldn't be easy� he guessed he was just never meant to be totally happy. Reminding himself constantly that this was what he wanted, he began to tidy up the dirty dishes.
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