"So, how did he take it? Good? Bad? Indifferent?" Toshiya pulled eagerly at Shinya's sleeve. He'd been late turning up for work and had only just finished getting ready. Shinya had been quiet all the while, instead of his usual chatty self.
"Um� well you know� he was� well�"
Toshiya's whiney look was replaced by a pessimistic one.
"You didn't tell him did you?"
"No�" Shinya looked down at his platforms. "I was going to� I tried�" Shinya trailed off vaguely. "But then he seduced me!" Toshiya raised an eyebrow. "And I was going to tell him after, but everything was so perfect, and he said that we were so great together, and that I was the boy of his dreams and� oh Totchi, I can't bear to wreck things! When are relationships ever this great? Ever?"
"They're not, Shin. Relationships are never perfect, even if they're so damn close. This is your bump in the road. Things aren't going to stay this perfect if you don't tell him-"
"-But-"
"Please listen to me Shinya." Toshiya looked so serious. It didn't look right on his usually so cheery face. "I meant what I said before - I love you to pieces, and I never want to see you hurt, but this has got to be done. You have to tell him and the sooner the better. You can't just disappear for a week and turn up as a girl."
"You think so?" For a second, the situation was humorous. "Hey, Totchi, how am I going to tell him?"
"Hmmm�" they both started over to the stage entrance, talking all the while. "How about you cook him a big dinner or something? You know show him how much you care before dropping the bombshell?"
"Yeah! That would work! And then I won't get� distracted� so easily! Except� oh Totchi, I can't cook to save my life! He'll end up with instant rice and ready made sushi!"
"Uh� then� Oh I know! Kyo can come and help! He's really good at cooking! And he'll know what Die likes to eat! Okay, the night after next, yeah?"
Shinya grinned, nodding.
"Okay� and remind me after to go see management about sick leave." Toshiya nodded, and they waltzed onto stage.
*
Shinya observed his watch. Ten a.m. In the coffee bar, he stirred his morning cappuccino absent-mindedly. He was watching the other people carefully, making meticulous mental notes. It was important to recognise and understand the difference between the way men did things and the way women did things. Because although no one ever seemed to notice, these simple ways of existing were insanely different. From just the way women tilt their heads in conversation, to how they fall over flat on their faces, and on to the pitch of their voice when they're talking about their latest crush. It was totally different to the male reactions. There were so many differences. Practically all his life, Shinya had been taking notes so that when it happened, he would be well prepared. He was now so well rehearsed that he could even fool other women, who had always seemed to be that much more honed than men to knowing that something wasn't right about him.
He knew he would never be perfect. What women took for granted - knowing exactly how to be themselves in their own body, how to be female to the core. Without knowing it, they were versed and rehearsed in the art of femininity - whether they embraced it or not, it was always there.
Because of this, Shinya saw himself as being born with a defect. Although his soul radiated double X, his chromosomes chose to argue. He had not been blessed with the form he desired, but a strange, unwanted one. He felt trapped in a cage that was wrong, like a canary in a fish tank.
So now he worked toward this goal of becoming himself, and though he had been preparing himself, it seemed he had, in the back of his mind, just accepted the eternal wait. Now in just less than two weeks, he was going to become himself. Toshiya was right: there would be no more peeing standing up. There would be no more issues where girls' trousers didn't fit him round the nether regions. No more having to patiently explain to people that he was physically a man, and so he was actually allowed in the men's changing rooms if he so desired.
He was going to be female. He was going to be herself.
Shinya finished his coffee and sighed. He stood up and in a decidedly feminine manner, left the caf� and walked home.
*
"Kyyyyyyoooooooo?" Toshiya draped himself heavily over Kyo's shoulder, causing the shorter man's knees to buckle under the weight.
"Ack! What?" He tried to shrug Toshiya off, but to no avail.
"You know how absolutely great you are?" It was practically a purr. The hairs on the back of Kyo's neck stood up involuntarily. "And you know how fantabulous-"
"What do you want?"
"Aww, Kyo, don't be like that! I'm hurt that you would assume I just want something and-"
"But you do, don't you?" Kyo's face showed a smirk of triumph as Toshiya's expression fell, his plan thwarted.
"Maybe�" He started his hand at the puppy dog eyes technique.
"Then what? And you can stop pulling faces."
"Aww� fine then. I was wondering if you could help Shinya out. You see I kind of promised him that I'd get you to help him."
"Well that was a bit silly. What does he want? Does this have anything to do with Die?" Kyo turned around, standing with his arms folded so that he could size Toshiya up. Toshiya squirmed under this scrutinising attention.
"Yes and no. Shinya wants to make Die a special meal, so that he can discuss some very important issues with him."
"And how does this involve me?"
"Well Shinya couldn't cook instant miso if his life depended on it. We were wondering if you could come round tomorrow and help make some nice food. Because you're such a great cook and all. Also, we thought you'd know what Die's favourite food is. And stuff. Please, Kyo? Pretty please with sugar on top with sprinkles and a flake and a curly straw and maybe a spoon if you wanted and a-"
"Alright!" Kyo sighed. "It's not like I have any will of my own when it comes to you anyway, is it?" he pouted habitually, until a wicked grin crawled over his face "But� you'll have to owe me something."
Toshiya giggled.
"Okay then... but what?" he winked mischievously, turning Kyo an adorable shade of pink.
"No idea. I guess we'll see. But for now, I'll have to start thinking of what to cook tomorrow. Die eats so much you wouldn't believe-"
"THANK YOU!" Toshiya grabbed Kyo, drawing him into a crushing hug, placing a sloppy kiss on the top of his head. "I knew you would help! You're the best!" Kyo laughed, gasping for air as he was released.
"That's okay. I haven't cooked anything on a large scale in ages. I better start preparing� I'll call you with ingredients." Kyo made his way to the door.
"Thanks again, Kyo. This really means a lot to Shinya. And as a result, to me." Kyo lingered by the door as Toshiya bid him farewell. Toshiya beamed ecstatically - his plan could go ahead. He ruffled Kyo's hair playfully.
"Bye then-" As Kyo felt Toshiya's fingers drag through his hair, he was suddenly reminded of his dream. "Hey, Toshiya, I had a dream the other night� I think you were in it�"
"Really? What was it about?"
"I don't remember� Any way, I'll see you later. Bye!" Kyo wandered home, already mentally compiling the list of all that he would need for tomorrow.
*
Though he was tired from all the food shopping he had had to do; Shinya couldn�t sleep. His entire future rested on the events of tomorrow. No matter how many times he tried to tell himself that it would be fine, and that Die would be okay with it all, the thought of being just a lonely, lonely girl in two weeks played over and over in his head.
What if Die didn't want him and more?
And then what if the operation went wrong? What if he was left scarred, no longer a man, but not a woman either?
But then it could all go fine. It COULD all go FINE. Shinya muttered this over and over as a mantra, which eventually sent him into a distressed and uneasy sleep.
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