That was the fifth message he had left. He had tried knocking on the door this morning. No reply. Toshiya was now beyond worry. He slipped the phone in his back pocket as he entered Not Kabuki. He looked around, but finding no familiar faces, started on the way to the changing rooms. He really needed to talk to Miki about this. His fingers had barely brushed the door when a bouncer stopped him.
"And where might you be going sir?"
"Just in there. I need to talk to Tanaka-san."
"Sure you do sir. I'm sure the two of you are great pals, you and the rest of the nation. Now scram, before I get the rest of security." His face remained like the brick wall he so very much resembled.
"Listen. It's been a bad day... I just need to talk to her� please?"
"Fraid not sir. You'll be leaving now."
Toshiya got the idea that the bouncer had been a Sumo wrestler in a previous life. Being a stick figure, he really didn't want to have to go up against this guy. It wouldn't do any good, but he had to talk to Miki.
"No! MIKI! Miki get out here! I need to talk to you! Please! Come on this guy is going to drag me away! MI-"
The door opened.
"Having some trouble Ken-san?" Miki smirked at Toshiya.
"Just this young man, Tanaka-san. Says he knows you."
"What, this lanky piece of work?" She looked Toshiya critically up and down.
"MIKI!"
"Okay fine, yeah let him in. He's clear." She grabbed Toshiya by the arm and dragged him in. he was greeted by various screams of confusion. "It's fine girls. You remember Toshiya? Don't worry I'll make sure he's not perving on any of you. It's been a while since he chased a girl anyway."
"Toshiya? Oh yeah I remember you saying about him." The rest of the girls crowded round, chattering away, as they would do to more or less anyone they felt was deserving of their time. Miki cleared her throat.
"Totchi� I don�t want to pry, but its not like you're going to traipse your sorry arse all the way over here just to chat with the girls. Is something wrong?" Toshiya looked back at her guiltily and the girls fell quiet, returning to their previous activities, straining their ears to hear what the conversation would be about.
"Yes Miki."
"You having issues with Kaoru? Has he been back since then?"
"Nah� he left some messages on my phone... but I haven't replied. Best not to encourage him. But this is about Kyo."
"Oh really? Have you managed to convert him with your wily ways?" Miki attempted to joke, but Toshiya gave no response. "I'll take that as a no then?"
"Yeah� well� I spend the night before last round his place. That was fun� he's really sweet under all the metal. But then in the morning, there was this phone call� someone who referred to Kyo as Tooru. I� I think that might be his real name. But then as soon as he was done on the phone, Kyo asked me to leave. He looked so� I don't know, blank. But he said I had to go.
He was� I don't know, but I went. I had to, because I didn't understand what was going on. And I still don't. But he won't pick up the phone and he won't answer the door. I'm worried. I don't know what was said to him on the phone. What am I going to do Miki? It's not like I can break down the door. Not until I find out what happened." Toshiya's face had got decidedly glummer as he talked.
"Aww Totchi� Well let�s start off with first things first. Do you have any idea who was on the phone? How do you know he called Kyo Tooru or whatever?"
"I picked up the phone. Kyo asked me to answer it. It was a man� he sounded very formal. Then I gave the phone to Kyo� and he basically just said 'yes' to everything."
"Hmm. Did you try Die?"
"What?"
"Die? He's Kyo's best friend, right?" Miki was so damn logical at times.
"Yeah..."
"So give him a call or something. He's bound to know what's up." She gave Toshiya's hand a reassuring squeeze. She could tell he was semi-sulking about not having thought of that earlier. "And don't tell me you don't have his number. Call Shinya." Miki nearly fell off her chair as she received an overly thankful hug from Toshiya.
"Thank you Miki!" Toshiya squeezed tighter. There was an audible sigh from the rest of the girls, and then a rush of movement, as they seemed to become thoroughly more interested in their tasks.
"And when did you get your ear pierced?"
"Um� the other night� with Kyo�" Toshiya laughed. "And what about you? How are you doing?"
"Well she's probably no better thanks to that Sakura bitch!" Everyone turned to look at Yuri, who blushed incredibly at her outburst. "Well she isn't." Toshiya looked at Miki for an explanation.
"Just a girl who recently started working here. She's a stunner, but she has serious issues."
"We don't know why she has such problems with Miki� But she's such good business� Boss-sama is not going to drop her any time soon." Akina had been at this the longest, longer than Miki. She had an almost complete understanding of the business.
"Yeah�" There was a silence hanging in the air now. One swiftly broken by Sakura entering the changing rooms.
"Jeez. Who died? You know bad moral is not good for performance. Miki, you're obviously depressing everyone, moping around looking like that." Sakura looked around for a response. Noticing Toshiya she donned her most flirtatious smile. "Hey who's the guy?" Toshiya stood up.
"I'm Toshiya. Sakura, I presume?" The sentence came out through gritted teeth, but was greeted by a giggle.
"Charmed. And what might you be doing around here? We're not open for another three hours. The show starts in four."
"That�s okay, I was just here to see my best friend Miki." A fake smile flashed across his face, crooked teeth appearing charming and friendly. Sakura looked severely disheartened.
"Miki?"
"Yeah. And we have to go outside for a second. Good bye." Toshiya took Miki's arm and steered her out of the changing rooms and into the corridor.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Toshiya pulled at his fingers anxiously as Miki rubbed her temples.
"Yes� I'll be fine. It's just the week before I'm on. Just hormones, you know?" She tried a smile, but Toshiya could see through it.
"You're late?"
"Yeah� listen, travel and stress screw up your cycle. And as you can see, I have a fair bit of stress going on here."
"If you say so Miki. I expect things go a dream with Sakura-san around."
"Oh shut-up Totchi!"
"Okay... I will." Toshiya hugged Miki tightly. "But I do worry about you. You need to look after yourself."
"I am. I'll be fine. Now you go and help Kyo. He needs it more than I do." She squeezed tighter and then broke the embrace. As Toshiya wandered off to the front entrance, she sniffed and inwardly cursed messed up hormones. However, something was preying on her mind now. She needed to make sure. It would be fine. Stupid stress.
*
Toshiya flipped his mobile out and keyed in Shinya's number.
"Hello?"
"Shinya? It's Toshiya."
"Oh hey babe. What's up?"
"Do you have Die's number?"
"Was the Buddha a jolly fat man? Of course I do. What do you want it for?"
"It's about Kyo. He received some news the other day, and since then he won't speak to me. I want to know what is going on."
"What like his mother died?"
"What?"
"You didn't know? Well Kyo phoned Die to tell him, and I was there. He wouldn't go into much detail though. Said it was Kyo's business. If you want to talk to him about it, I suggest you do it in person. I have his address written down somewhere, I'll text it to you in a sec."
"Okay. Thanks hon. Bye!"
"Bye!"
Toshiya looked about. He was only a little way from Kyo's. Maybe with his new found information, he could persuade Kyo to open the door. Why hadn't he just said about his mother? Toshiya wanted to be there and help Kyo.
Arriving at the sorry excuse for an apartment block, Toshiya made his way up the stairs to Kyo's door. He knocked gingerly.
"Kyo? It's me, Toshiya. Can you let me in?" There was no response, but he heard something move inside, possibly a stack of paper hitting the ground. "Kyo please? I know about your mother- I'm sorry� please let me in!"
Again there was no response. In the distance, he could hear the sounds of the city; it was busy - moving along in its uncaring way. But why wouldn't Kyo answer the door. There was a beep as Toshiya's phone alerted him that a message had been received. He read the address and started on his way to Die's place. He had to sort this out.
*
Bzzt
"Yes?"
"Um� Die-san? It's Toshiya. Can I come up?"
"Sure."
When Die opened the door, he was anxious. Did this have something to do with Shinya? Toshiya didn't sound very happy, what ever it was.
"Toshiya, hi." Toshiya nodded in response, and at Die's beckon, stepped inside. "Is there something I can help you with? You don't look very happy. Is this about Shinya?"
"Oh, no. Don't worry, Shinya is fine. This is about Kyo."
"Kyo? What about him?" Die sat down, and Toshiya followed his lead.
"Well, have you spoken to him in the last few days?" Toshiya fidgeted nervously.
"No� not since-"
"-Since he called you to say his mother had died?"
"How do you know about that? Did Kyo tell you?"
"No. Shinya did. That�s the problem. Kyo hasn't spoken to me since he found out� he wouldn't answer the door or the phone. I'm worried about him."
"Well now you mention it� I just assumed he wanted some time for himself and I've been so wrapped up with Shinya. I called to see why he didn't turn up to work yesterday, but I assumed he was out when he didn't answer. But if Kyo doesn't want to talk to you about this� I wouldn't push it."
"Why is that? It's good to talk! If you've just lost someone close to you. Doesn't he need some comfort?" Toshiya was finding the situation increasingly hard to understand, and the volume of his voice escalated accordingly.
"Well� I don't know how Kyo is dealing with this. But it will be different for him. He's lost something and-"
"Yes he's lost his mother, I get that!"
"No you don't!" Die was getting agitated now. What right did Toshiya have to assume he knew everything about Kyo? "You don't know fuck all about Kyo or his mother!"
"Oh and you do? How dare you assume that you care about Kyo any more than I do? I want to help him! Just because you've known him longer-"
"Just because I know him! I know what the situation between him and his mother was-"
"Which was?"
"What?"
"What was the situation?"
"Shit� listen, it's not something I can really tell you. It's Kyo's own business, and if he wanted you to know, he'd have told you."
"Bullshit! Your best friend has locked himself away for almost three days running now! I need to know what is going on!"
"Hmm." Die frowned. It was beginning to dawn on him how set on finding this out Toshiya was. "You really want to know?"
"Yes! I want to help Kyo!"
"Well� listen Kyo was born in Shimabara, here in Kyoto."
"The red light district?"
"The very same. His mother was� well� abusive. She was a prostitute, and Kyo was some bastard child who had lost her nine months worth of business because she couldn�t afford an abortion and gin and a hot bath didn't work. It wasn't the environment for a child. To her� Kyo was the reason her life wasn't working. And boy, did she let him know it.
When I first started getting to know him, I didn't pick up on it. Tooru - that was his name back then - was very quiet at school, and it took a long time to get any of his private life out of him. He was very small, and I guess, still is� that didn't help.
His mother used to go on about that as well� I had only met her twice. The first time, it made everything about him make sense. Meeting his mother. Home life really shapes someone - for better or for worse.
//I knock on the door. This place makes me uneasy� but Tooru rarely talks of home. I knock again and hear the smashing of glass from inside. There is a scuffle and Tooru opens the door. He looks so different now, smaller, more frightened perhaps.
"Daisuke? What are you doing here? I told you don't come here." he seems to keep the door as closed as possible, only peeping through the crack. What is going on here?
"I have your science book� I think that maybe we picked up the wrong ones. You'll need it for revising for the test tomorrow."
"Oh� I� Listen, can I meet you outside in just a sec? Now is not a good-"
"TOORU! Who is at the door?"
"No-one� One second-"
"Don't you dare talk back to me!" Tooru is shoved out of the way and the door swings open. I am faced who I assume must be Tooru's mother. She glares at me through alcohol hazed eyes and a cigarette hangs from a badly painted mouth. She looks like� well, a hooker. "Well? Who are you? We don't want to buy anything!"
"That's fine. I assume you are Niimura-san? I know Tooru-kun from school. I think he took my science book by mis-"
"Stealing! Tooru you little worm, I don't need this! You want the police round?"
"No, no ma'am, Tooru hasn't stolen anything, it was just a misplaced book - see, I have his right here!" I dangle the book nervously; suddenly afraid of this drawling woman who jumps to so many conclusions. She snatches it from me.
"Yeah, whatever. Tooru, you idiot! Leaving your things around! School supplies do not come cheap you know! I'm not forking out for you every time you're too sleepy to remember! Now get to your room, before I do something about it!" There was the sound of hurried feet and a clatter. "Idiot! You better not have knocked over anything important-" The door shuts in my face. Muffled shouting continued from within. I hear a smash, a cry, and for a second, I feel the helpless one - unsure of what to do. So I run� what else is there to do?//
I was fourteen, what else could I do?" Die sighed. "He turned up the next day at college with gashes on the side of his head. He told the teacher he had an accident with a glass at home. I think his mother hit him with a bottle or something. He didn't want to talk about it."
For Toshiya, it was all beginning to sink in. Little things that Kyo had said were suddenly seen in a new light and took on new meanings. That scar across his head�
"What about the second time?"
"The second what?"
"The second time you saw his mother?"
"Was� oh God. Things had been getting worse for a while then. To help him, we'd kind of inducted him into our family. My brothers and sisters loved him, and he was so polite to my parents. Sometimes he seemed so hesitant to leave our house� All I could do was welcome him whenever he needed it. He was too proud to ever ask for help. But I could see� his grades were slipping. He worked so hard at school but things at home were preying on his mind. The amount of times he'd come in per week with gauze strapped to some part of his body was increasing. His mother had hit the liquor really bad by then."
"Is that why he doesn't drink?"
"Got it in one. I think that's when she was at her worst. But the second time� I told Kyo I needed to meet him. It was five hours later than the meet up time and he still hadn't arrived. No one would pick up the phone, it didn't happen round his house. For some reason, God knows why, I felt like I should go and check on him� you know, just to see if he was okay?
//The door is unlocked. I push it open, to find the dingy and unpleasant apartment strangely quiet. His mother lies in a drunken stupor, strewn across the couch in some lewd position. I avert my eyes. Looking for Tooru, I take in this place that is his home. The smell of cheap smoke and alcohol is ingrained into the air, and although old beer bottles and dirty clothes lie all about the place, it would seem that at least someone has tried to tidy up, to put some order to the sickening mess.
What I assume to be Tooru's room, as it is tiny and bare, is empty of life. The bathroom beckons, but foreboding hangs in the air. For a second, the thing I least want to do it open the door, though I can't tell you for the life of me why. But I do, and there he is in the bath and oh my God I can't believe it. He wouldn't would he?--
--Oh but he would. The water is red, huge gashes up running up from his wrists. My head reels and as it does, his slips under the water, oh God, oh God, I lurch forward and drag him out. Unconscious, he lies on the mat creating a dark, dark stain. I dial for an ambulance, holding back the nausea until they're on their way and I throw up on the tiles. Everything else is a blur. I sat in the back of the ambulance fiddling with an empty paracetamol packet I found on the bathroom floor. To the hospital, the blood bags, filling him up once more. Bandages for the cuts, stomach pumps for the pills.
I brush the coagulated blood out of his hair, wondering if it�s a task his mother ever performed.
First comes the guilt - could I have done anything to stop him? Then the anger - did I mean that little to him that he would leave me behind? Then the overwhelming urge to make it better.
The social services come. Asking questions. Tooru will live on campus with me now. He needn't worry about her, they say. It will be fine. It will be fine. It WILL be fine.//
It was settled out of court. Kyo never saw her again. And when he moved in, he changed himself so that he could be a different person from the one she hated. He put that behind him and never spoke about it again." Die sighed. "Do you ever wonder why he always wears long sleeve shirts? He has scars from his wrists to his elbows. That's why this is a bigger deal for him than losing his mother."
"My God� I had no idea." Toshiya could barely take it all in. Kyo had attempted suicide? The images of Kyo lying naked in the bath, un-breathing, red water everywhere sent shivers down his spine.
"Exactly-"
"Then I have to talk to him! How can you tell me we need to leave him alone when he's tried suicide before?"
"Hmm." It was beginning to dawn on Die how much Toshiya really did care about Kyo, despite only knowing him for just over a week. "Okay. But don't blame me if he throws it in your face. Here." Die pulled Kyo's key off his chain. "See if you can help him." He went to open the door, Toshiya following.
"Thanks Die. May you score with Shinya many times." He grinned and scooted off down the stairs with renewed vigour. Die chuckled and closed the door, trying not to think of the memories he had just brought to the surface.
*
Toshiya turned the key slowly, cautious of what he might find. Opening the door just enough to fit his head past, he called out softly.
"Kyo? Kyo are you okay?" He opened the door wider and stepped inside. Everything seemed still, and only a couple of tipped paper piles were out of place. Toshiya picked up a letter that had been posted through the letterbox. He had to concentrate very hard not to knock over any paper, but he eventually made his way past the living room. Fear gripped him and he opened the bathroom door. The bathroom was empty. Relief washed over him and Toshiya breathed out.
Gently, he pushed Kyo's bedroom door open, to reveal Kyo lying fast asleep in the midst of a nest of bedcovers. In the silence, Toshiya could hear him breathing. He sat down at the foot of the bed, and wondered what Kyo was dreaming about. Every now and again, the little man's face would twitch or cringe and then go back to its state of peace. He was sleeping in his clothes, Toshiya noticed.
Toshiya took a closer look at the letter. The seal said it was from a Kyoto Funeral Service. Well, Kyo wasn't awake to deal with this, so Toshiya opened it instead. Dear Niimura-san, you have our greatest sympathies for your loss. Blah blah yatter yatter blah the funeral has been arranged for Today? Toshiya jumped at the sudden movement as Kyo curled up smaller.
Curiosity taking over, he very slowly placed his hands on Kyo's sleeve, trying to work them up as gently as possible. He got about half way up Kyo's forearm before he stopped and stared at the deep white scars that ran from the wrist and up past the rolled up cuff. The skin was smooth, reflecting the light, pale and un-tanned as scar tissue inevitably remains. Toshiya went to run a finger down the strip of alien flesh without thinking about it, fractions of a centimetre away before Kyo snorted and opened his eyes.
"Toshiya? What the hell are you doing here?" He sat up straight. What the hell was going on?
"Die gave me a key� I had to see if you were okay-"
"I'm fine." Came a snappish reply. "I'm just fine."
"Don't be silly. No-one is fine. You won't talk to anyone and you haven't been out the house in how many days. Please Kyo� I want to help you!" Toshiya tried to touch Kyo's hand, but Kyo snatched himself away quickly.
"I don't want your fucking help! I'm dealing with this okay?"
"Fine. Then you won't mind coming to your Mother's funeral this afternoon."
"What?"
"Your Mother's funeral. Is this afternoon. In a couple of hours. Look." Toshiya handed Kyo the letter but was shocked when Kyo just screwed it up and threw it to the other side of the room.
"Leave me alone. I'm not going. Not for her� She- she�"
"I know. You must hate her for all she did and-"
"No. I don't feel any thing. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I don't feel... anything."
"Nothing?"
"Nope." Kyo's face was a blank. Toshiya pressed his lips together. He wasn't sure how to deal with this lack of emotion. He tried desperately to get a reaction out of Kyo.
"Then don't you want to see your mother one last time? I'm sure she'd want you there." Kyo shook his head violently. Though his face remained empty of expression, something was going on with him - something beneath the surface.
"She hated me. She wouldn't want me there. I was an accident and-"
"Kyo she would want you there! This is your last chance! Do you want to lose her forever?"
"I'm already lost� I'll never� I've lost the chance�"
"It's not too late! You can still see her again. That's why you should come to the funeral."
"No! That's not it! I've lost the chance to make her proud! To make her love me!" Emotions were bubbling underneath now, simmering - unstable. "I tried. I tried so hard. Every day, I'd come home from school, and I'd tidy up the drained bottles and empty the ashtrays. Wash the bed sheets from whatever man had laid her last. I washed and cleaned and made food for when she got back. So that she would love me or� or look at me the same way Andou-san looked at Die."
Tears had started flowing from his dark, almond eyes. It was all coming now. Kyo was letting himself feel.
"She never loved me! I know she didn't want to have me! But I tried to help, so that she wouldn't regret it so much, so I could make up for all her time that I had wasted.
I did everything she ever said. I didn't need help; I could manage for myself. I just wanted her approval� I worked so hard at school to be clever, so that she could say to people she met 'Oh my son Tooru, he got grade A's in all his subjects' and she could be proud. Proud of me! But I didn't work hard enough and she never - loved - me!" Twenty five years of this were all coming back at once. Hiccups forced their way into his speech and Kyo felt baffled by himself.
Toshiya moved to try and enclose the small man in his arms but was blocked by Kyo's frantic elbows. However, Toshiya was patient and he withstood the flailing fists as Kyo's body wracked with sobs, desperate words coming out only as whispers.
"And I'm so sorry that I wasn't a good enough son. I'd do what ever she said to make her happy. And when she asked me why I didn't just fuck off and die� I knew she and the rest of the world would be better off with out me. I was just holding Die back with my weakness, and I couldn't make her proud� and if that was what she wanted� So I� I�" Kyo could struggle no more, and he just let his head fall onto Toshiya's shoulder. Toshiya had been ready for this, and he held Kyo. "And I f-failed at that too. I couldn't even d-die properly. Then they took me away from her and I never got to tell her that I knew it wasn't her fault, it was the alcohol, she never meant to hurt me, I'm sure, even if I wasn't good enough. I deserved it all. I love my mother� And now she'll n-never� n-never�" He broke off.
"Shhhh." Toshiya stroked Kyo's back until the jerky movements of emotion started to subside. "Don't cry. Your mother would be so proud. Look at you, and how you've done. She's up there being proud now, because show she'll have found peace, and a clarity she could never achieve in life. Your mother will be there with the spirits, saying how her Tooru passed his graduation with flying colours and got the job he always wanted. She knows you love her."
The sobs eventually stopped.
"So will you come with me?"
"Yes." Kyo sniffed, turning his head from the shoulder it rested on so that he spoke directly into Toshiya's neck. "I will."
*
Save an elderly couple at the front and people who looked as if they worked at the funeral ward, it was only the two of them there. The priest muttered sutras as if he did not wish to be there. Kyo's heart thumped heavily in his chest as it came to his turn to place the camellia on the coal. He walked up and placed it there to burn, stopping to stare at a face he hadn't seen in ten years. She looked older, but that was to be expected. Her face also seemed strangely naked. Morgue makeup had obviously been applied, but it was subtle and natural looking, not like the stuff he remembered his mother wearing before a night of work. She looked more tired now, and the alcohol-induced leer that burned in Kyo's memory was lost. He wished to touch her then, to hold her like he had never been able, but he knew this would wreck the illusion of sleep that had been maintained until now.
So turning quickly, he made his way away from the altar to hide in the anonymity of the back row next to Toshiya. Other people put their Camellia sprigs onto the coal, and the sutras continued.
Then it was time for the cremation. The coffin was nailed shut and prepared for lighting. Kyo had always wondered why it was nailed shut. It wasn't like the person inside was going to go anywhere. As it caught aflame, he felt Toshiya's hand clasp around his and squeeze. As the brightness of the fire shone hotly, he squeezed back, watching his first and last mother transform from silent sleeper to ash.
"Thank you."
The ashes were placed in an urn, and there was time for family members to come up and see them. Kyo was surprised to have the elderly couple join him.
"Excuse me," he spoke quietly, "What relation were you to Niimura-san?" The question seemed to take them a-back.
"We are her parents. We had not seen her since she ran away to Kyoto many years ago. She wrote briefly at times, but we never found her. We hear she had a child, Tooru - she did send a picture, but we haven't seen him here." The man took a photo from his wallet, displaying Kyo, some twelve years ago, black haired and fresh faced. There was fear in the picture somewhere, but it was hard to place. The couple looked morosely at the urn that now housed the remains of their only daughter. Kyo felt the closeness of Toshiya standing behind him.
"Niimura-sama�" He bowed slightly at the man. "She was my mother. I hadn't seen her for some time and� well my friend Toshiya helped me make it here." Toshiya smiled over Kyo's shoulder.
"Tooru-kun?" The old woman looked questioningly at the blond, metal-faced boy who resembled very little the child in the photo. Kyo nodded slowly.
"Kyo. My name is Kyo. A lot has changed since then." There was a moment of understanding before the priest started to talk again. Suddenly everything seemed so heavy. Kyo suddenly had grandparents. The priest babbled about loss and love and bereavement. Head spinning, Kyo turned and bolted out of the funeral parlour.
Sprinting after him, Toshiya found the small man puffing away on a cigarette outside.
"You okay?"
"Yeah�" Kyo nodded his head and let the cigarette hang from his mouth as he spoke. "It just got too much� my mother is gone, and I have grandparents and that stupid priest was driving me insane." He offered the cigarette carton to Toshiya, who accepted gratefully, he lit up, inhaled and breathed out the white curls of smoke.
"Do you want to go home?" as Kyo nodded, he smiled happily. He had helped. He really had. Toshiya followed Kyo back to his car.
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