Lana: Ooooh, it must be so nice to have a man around the house!
Janet: Well you oughta know...you were married three times!
Lana: I had three men around the house! And they were also around my neighbor's house...my girlfriend's house...their secretary's house...
Janet: We kinda had a party last night...
RF: A party? And you didn't invite your sexy, swinging neighbor?
Chrissy: Yeah! Larry was here!
Stanley: [talking about a cot they are lending to Eleanor] This is my only souvenir from World War 2!!!
Helen: World War 2? You bought this at a garage sale!
Stanley: It was from a veteran!
Cindy: Who you callin' a giraffe?
Janet: If the legs fit...WEAR EM!
Stanley: Oh don't worry...I told Karen all about you!
Jack: What did you tell her?
Stanley: Oh nothing...just a little fairy story!
Jack: The weather is so unpredictable!
Chrissy: Yeah...nice one day...nice the next!
Jack: There's only one fair way to do this. We'll flip a coin. Janet you call it...
Chrissy: Wait a minute why does she get to call it!
Janet: What difference does it make who calls it?!?
Chrissy: Well figure it out! She gets two choices and I get none!
Jack: All these years...it always seemed so fair.
Janet: Chrissy can I ask you a question? Do you...dig Jack?
Chrissy: Well...do you?
Janet: I asked you first! Would you ever...you know...?
Chrissy: With Jack?
Janet: Yeah.
Chrissy: No.
Janet: Really?
Chrissy: Well...not unless he asked me to! I don't like to be rude!
Helen: Chrissy you can't give an IOU to the UPS for a COD! They'd call the FBI!
[Jack has proposed to Cindy because he thinks she is pregnant and her boyfriend won't marry her. He feels bad and wants the baby to have a father]
Cindy: Yes. Yes Jack I'll marry you.
Jack: No no no! See now you don't HAVE to marry me!
Cindy: Oh Jack I promise to be a good wife! I'll give you lots of love, and affection, and a nice home!
Jack: But see you're not pregnant!
Cindy: Well I'll give you that too!
Jack: No but see you're not ALREADY pregnant!
Cindy: Talk about LAZY!
Jack: The next time I take either of you with me I'm gonna leave you both at home! [realizes what he just said] I'm starting...to sound like Chrissy!
Janet: Chrissy!!! Chrissy wake up! Did you hear something?
Chrissy: Yes!
Janet: What was it?
Chrissy: I heard you say Chrissy!
[Jack, Janet, and Chrissy come home and see the door is open]
Janet: Chrissy...did you forget to close the door?
Chrissy: Why is it always CHRISSY did you forget to close the door? Why isn't it JACK did you forget to close the door or JANET did you forget to close the door? Nooo...it's always Chrissy Chrissy Chrissy!
Jack: Did you forget to close the door?
Chrissy: Yes.
Jack: Everything Ralph Furley fixes turns into instant junk! He makes Roper look like Thomas Edison!
Janet: Well he actually did a good job this time!
Jack: Let's see...no cold water [he turns on the sink and cold water comes out] Well...no hot water...[he turns on the sink and hot water comes out]I'll be darned! Dish rinser...[turns it on and it works] Incredible! Ralphieboy, I take it back you're brilliant...now lets say hi to Mr. Garbage Disposal! [he turns on the garbage disposal and water comes out all over his face]
Stanley: [talking about Jack kissing his niece] You saw what he was doing! He was acting normal!
Chrissy: I was named Christmas even though I wasn't born on Christmas day because my dad said I was the best present he ever got!
Larry: I am in LOVE!
Jack: Who is it this time?
Larry: Well...I never really noticed her before. Short, dark hair...cute face, big brown eyes....[Jack starts to laugh] What's so funny?
Jack: Nothing it just sounded like you were talking about Janet!
Larry: I am talking about Janet!
Jack: [eyes bulge] MY Janet?
Larry: Noooo...MY Janet!
Jack: Can somebody tell me what's going on?
Chrissy: If you don't know Jack, nobody knows and I know you know and you should know better!
Jack: NOW I know!
Chrissy: This is just typical! Getting a woman pregnant...only a man would do that!
Helen: How much do you have?
Chrissy: Four dollars...how bout you?
Helen: Four dollars if you lend it to me.
FBI Agent: Do you know of Jack's association with a B. Miller?
Chrissy: Who's she?
FBI Agent: Benjamin Miller.
Chrissy: What a weird name for a girl.
Stanley: Not tonight Helen!
Helen: Not tonight...that would be a good title for my autobiography.