ads

MONKEYS NEEDED FOR SPACE
Due to the previous mistakes of using actual monkeys to further the testing of space technology (see re-makes and cult science "fiction") we here at NASA have decided to use everyday citizens from around the world.
This sort of applicant is ideal as we are looking for people who put in a situation have absolutely no idea about taking a risk and will beligerantly complain to the space station that they don't know what to do without touching some of the expensive equipment; hopefully enabling us to salvage some of it from the wreckage.
Remember, we at NASA want these launches to be failures, we want you to act in a confused and illogical manner. Act naturally, it is purely for research and your charred and broken bodies is the best way you can do your bit, for space travel!
Join Today!

We, here at HALIV have realised the money we can reap in by simply selling our souls, it's great! There's no down side I can see. I still wake up in the same world, with the same life. Please read through these fine jobs that have been chosen especially for the type of reader we expect on the site and contact one of the makers about the jobs if interested. Thanks for your time, I hope you rot in hell, so we can talk some more!

Anyone For Tennis?
Due to the emergance of Tim Henman and before that some Canadian we've now disowned since a 'real' Brit came along, the British Tennis Association have decided to capitilise on the fashionability of tennis at the moment and advertise for more youngsters to start it up.
It goes without saying one must have a certain amount of skill or more importantly, class to play tennis. An all round ability on the tennis court is not necessary, alas it is the great failing of our unquestioned hero; Tim Henman. We are looking for someone who is unusually strong in one arm, the left would be good, though we do hope someone has another arm in a weirder position with which to serve from. After recent surveys it is apparent that being popular is more important than being nice or good. Either being a geeky kid that one can not help but want to mother and awww to lots, or a God fearing self absorbed lunatic is where the money lies. So Join a club today and put your life in our amateur body's hands!
(N.B. Please do not support charities with the winnings, they may come to depend on it and then when you do not pick up these titles you shall be rightly seen as the bad guy and never supported again)

Gardner needed for Large house
Husband at work every day, wife wants something to fantasize about whilst doing the washing etc.
Must be good with his hands.
husband: wife is all talk and actually frigid as a mouse, just tries to appear sexy in a lame attempt
to make up for lack of personality
Wife: Must water my bush!

Position of Mediocre Businessman Available
Due to the countless number of jobs working behind a desk doing some bullshit job without which life wouldn't be as comfortable blah blah blah... we have a position open to welcome someone new to our 'family'.
The ideal person we are looking for is someone that has a hobby, for example, a great interest in music, perhaps can play an instrument or dreamt of being in a band. Not only that, they must have had countless experiences whilst growing up of them and their friends, and have done all manner of things when drunk which can be looked back on fondly.
The type of person we are looking for should be a peoples person, by that we don't mean a souless liar that will do anything to further the job, but someone who has, on a number of occasions been there for others when they are upset or confused or even scared.
There will be no descrimination against qualifications as learning the periodic table is no better an attribute than crying for your friends pain.
Applicants must be better than me but never think it.