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Are you one of those types who is always on the lookout for new people to trick into becoming your friends, but can never think of a sufficiently witty thing to say without resorting to offensive jokes? Sure you are! Well strain no longer because I have produced a comprehensive list of the five best conversation starters ever to avoid those "did I just accidentally call her a slut?" moments:

1. "Are you Jiminy Cricket?" Erm, I'm not sure why this works, but work it does! Dragging up loveable cartoon heroes with faked nostalgia is good for making the other person believe that you have something in common. Hee hee.
2. "Everybody be cool, this a robbery..." Everyone loves the cult quotations conversation so get in there first with yours, otherwise some bastard may use the only quotation you memorised before you! Meeting the friends of your dreams is easy with these lines because you can eliminate stupid people who don't recognise your quotation because they will look deeply confused. Either that or you just fucked the quote up. You fucking idiot!
3. "I had the weirdest dream the other night..." This so works if you get it right. However it is infinitely possible that you realise during the course of your diatribe that:
a) more than one person is listening to you in which case your dream had better be fucking good
b) your dream is, in fact, a crock of shit.
At this point you will have reahed the stage I like to call "operation winback", where you change the direction of your dream suddenly, and without warning, to include impressive sexual encounters, extreme violence, and/or (but don't overdo it) lovable cartoon characters, although this isn't advised in front of a male-based audience.
4. "Have I met you before?" That old classic, eh? I in the know like to call this device lying, but justify it how you like. Questions are great for conversations because they show the other person that you care about what they think (thankyou "Men's Health"). Yeah, right! It is, however, far more likely that you expect them to ask you the same question in return and have prepared an impressive answer using the extremes of your rhetorical abilities. You can either follow this up with a tried and tested chat-up line (you arrogant cock) or you can explain to them how they must remind you of someone, preferably someone great. I haven't noticed any recent trends towards making new friends by comparing people to "you know, the greasy guy in Westlife".
5. Anything incorporating swearing is clearly a winner, as it is big and clever. It makes jokes funnier, the opposite sex love you because you're "out there", and generally makes you a better person. And that's the fucking end of my fucking top five whacked-up shit.