Searching
by Hergerbabe and ShadowSwan
Sequel/Series: maybe who knows
Pairing: Sean/Nick,
Rating: NC-17
Category: angst, first time, h/c
Archive: list archive
Notes: The vampire mythology in the film is fairly vague so I expect I�ll be making some stuff up and taking liberties
Warnings: violence, bloodplay, possible rape or n/c
Spoilers: Post film, so yeah, just a few
Disclaimer: not ours
Summary: Sean joins Nick on the trail of his Forsaken
~Nick~
Yeah, so I missed him, so what? I just didn�t expect it to be so much. The son of a bitch made me feel again. He claims I ran because I was scared� maybe. He and Megan were fine again, and I was still infected with this� this fucking virus, so yeah, maybe I was scared that he�d fuck off back to his real life. Fine, I ran, I�m man enough to admit it. Didn�t want to give him the choice, in case he said no.
I started getting worse again last month, upped my dose of pills. At that point I was glad I�d left without him. I get these cravings, worse than anything sometimes, for blood.
Oh, I know I�m still in control, the drugs are still working, but it doesn�t alter the fact that the virus is in my system. If I bit anyone, I�d infect them, fully turned or not. I have dreams too. Dreams of Sean� all encompassing dreams, blood, sex; even� maybe even love.
None of this made any difference though, when he pulled up in that fucking car. Scared the shit out of me, the bastard. I have never been so glad to see anyone in my whole life. He grinned at me. No real recriminations for leaving him without a word, just a car, a plan and friendship.
I had to force myself to offer him a final out, to tell him he didn�t have to do this. I was feeling a little ill again, the sight and smell of him was filling my senses, and I had a desperate, fucking stupid urge to pounce on him.
He just looked at me and said, �Yeah, I do.� Just like that, so simple, as if I was more important to him than his life, job, the future he�d been so serious and enthusiastic about. And I couldn�t feel anything but relief. Relief not only that I wouldn�t be alone anymore, but that it was Sean. I love the stupid fucker.
Every time I looked at him, he just smiled at me. I don�t even know if he knows how dangerous this could be. And I don�t mean from my Forsaken, but from me. I think he does, and I don�t know if that scares me even more. How could I really be important enough to him?
~Sean~
I found him. I fucking found him! Three months doesn�t seem like it should have felt that long, but I was worried. Worried that I was too late, that I wouldn�t find him� okay, so I was terrified. I don�t want to think about it, especially now I�ve found him.
There was a brief glimpse of complete shock and relief in his eyes when he saw it was me. I knew then that I�d done the right thing. Not that I wouldn�t have done it anyway. I couldn�t leave him to face it on his own, not after he�s been alone for so long� not when I love him so much. The thought of him turning into one of those things makes me feel so sick.
The relief that was so clear on his face when I told him I have to help him, almost broke my heart. Why he thinks he couldn�t mean that much to someone I have no idea. I wanted to reach out, hold him, tell him it was going to be fine. Trouble is, I really don�t know if it is, but I�m sure as hell never going to give up.
I have more than a plan. We�re not just going to find the motherfucker responsible for Nick�s infection, we�re going to wipe this plague off the planet. No one else is going to go through what we have, what Megan had to face. But first things first, we cure Nick. I�m not� I can�t lose him.
I�ve changed, so much. Ever since I met him, I just, I�m more somehow. I rarely question him, just do what he says, it�s weird, except that it doesn�t feel weird to me. It�s not like I�m some lovesick teenager that�s been absorbed completely by the object of their crush� well maybe a tiny bit. More like we�re part of the same person. I trust him.
He looked pale, tired and he was trying not to cough. I still remember what it feels like being infected, a cross between being sick as a dog and feeling amazing. But the cravings� I don�t know how Nick deals with it. It must be worse for him, it has to be. I haven�t missed how many pills he�s popped already.
The thing is� knowing what it�s like, I have this� I want to offer, I want him to have my blood. Fuck it, I want him to have *me*. I want him inside me, I want him to fuck me, drink me. Damn it, I want him to bite me if he turns. I don�t ever want to be without him and that�s fucking scary.
I haven�t said any of this stuff to him of course. Knowing him, he�d run again. He actually said sorry, which is kind of amazing actually, when I told him off. I was only joking too, told him he was scared. He admitted it too, not out loud, never out loud with Nick, but in his eyes, I could see.
I know he cares about me, I just don�t know how much, in what way. I know he�s lying next to me in this ratty motel bed wide awake and not speaking and I wish I could see his eyes, because then I�d know what he was thinking.
But at least I�m here with him, and we�re on the trail of his Forsaken. Together, we can handle anything.
~Nick~
�So what?� he says, glaring at me. Damn if that doesn�t just make me want to smile, except that I�d probably just piss him off more.
�I�m just saying, you shouldn�t have to worry about that,� I tell him pacifyingly.
�Are you fucking nuts? Of course I should!� Sean�s mouth drops open and everyone in the diner suddenly turns to look at us, so I lean forward.
�Do you want to keep it down?� I whisper, hiss even. He looks vaguely apologetic, but still pissed. �Anyway, where the hell did you get them?�
I still can�t believe he�s been driving around with a massive supply of my drugs for the last couple of months.
�I made some contacts. Some more doctors have been researching the virus, the drugs are stronger now. I�ve also got us a backer,� he continues.
I can�t quite believe it. How the fuck did he get so organised in such a short space of time. I definitely can�t help the laugh. He hasn�t changed much, still planning things out. I guess that�s a good thing, I don�t think too much about the future, I�ve just been so completely consumed with hunting down my Forsaken, I didn�t even think about things like a backer.
�A backer?� I raise an eyebrow and snort, he looks annoyed again.
�Yeah, he�s gonna pay money into a bank account for us to use, we both got cards, here,� he flings this card at me, �You just have to sign it and we�re good to go.�
�You�re insane,� I shake my head. He leans forward until we are almost nose to nose because I�m still leaning over the table. God, I wonder if he realises what that does to me.
�No, I�m determined. We are going to get you cured and I�m not going to let anything get in the way.� He�s glaring again.
�What if this guy pulls out, where does that leave us?� I have to ask.
�He won�t, your Forsaken is his too, he�s on the new drugs, but he wants a cure. We�re going to give him one.� Sean drops his hand over mine and squeezes, it takes all my willpower not to react visibly, �We�re going to do this, you got me?�
All I can do is nod, because all I want to do is close that little gap and kiss him. Maybe I should, I�m the one who claims to do whatever I want, because I could be dead tomorrow. But now I�ve got him in my life again, I�m not sure I could manage without him.
We�re getting some funny looks and I pull away. Oddly, he looks a little hurt, so I whisper, �I got you.� Then he smiles and I have this insane urge to bite his lips.
Then the shivers hit me out of nowhere and a knot builds in the pit of my stomach, burning, painful need for more than food, more than mere sustenance, for the very essence of life.
I can feel my chest constricting and breathing gets difficult, and I�m so shit scared. It�s all I can do not to grab Sean when he moves round the table to my side and forces pills down my throat until my body finally calms.
�Thanks,� I whisper. As I focus on him, I realise how pale he is and that worries me. I don�t want to scare him, but I really couldn�t help that.
A shadow looms over us and we both look up.
�I want you boys to finish up and leave.� The owner of the diner is staring at us with an expression of barely concealed disgust.
�What? Why?� Sean snaps, I can see he�s on the edge, and I�ve seen him go over it, it wouldn�t be good.
A lip curls and the man turns his head to spit on the floor. �We don�t want no sick fairies round these parts.�
�Is that right?� Sean starts, but I put my hand on his arm, I�m feeling too weak to deal with a fight right now, and I want to get out of there without any trouble. I�m gripping my gun though, when Sean hauls me to my feet to help me walk out.
I just lean back in the car and close my eyes, to let him think I�m sleeping it off.
~Sean~
Nick terrified me when he had that fit, I really thought� well I don�t even know, just that I don�t know who found it harder to breathe, him or me. I don�t know quite how I managed to find the presence of mind to feed him his drugs. They work pretty damn fast, thank God, but he must have been feeling pretty weak not to react to that asshole at the diner.
Damn bastards, I don�t know what�s worse, the bigotry, or the fact that they�d treat someone who�s so obviously ill that way, I don�t care if they did think It was AIDS. He�s sleeping it off as I drive. I�ve got to get him eating properly and taking the drugs properly again or he�s not going to last.
That thought just makes me tear up again, damn it. I�m glad he�s asleep so he doesn�t see me being so pathetic. He�s strong, really strong, but I know he bottles up a lot of his insecurities and fears, buries them. I want to be strong for him, so that he has someone to lean on. I wonder if he ever will.
�It�s not your fault, you know.�
His voice startles me. �How long have you been awake?� I ask quietly.
�Long enough, so you can quit blaming yourself right now.� Nick sits up and turns to look at me as I drive.
�But I,� I try to start, but he shakes his head and sighs, so I bite back the rest of what I was going to say. It�s not that I blame myself exactly� it�s just that, well, I should have known, at the hospital, that something wasn�t right, that Nick still wasn�t well. He shouldn�t have had to face those three months alone, because I should have known.
�You couldn�t have known, Sean,� he says insistently.
�What, are you psychic now?� I laugh humourlessly.
He shakes his head again, damn his eyes are so piercing. �No, I can just see it in your face.�
Well, that comment about floors me. He knows me that well? �Oh,� I say quietly. He turns his head and stares at me, but his expression is shuttered, hidden behind those damn shades he�s slipped on.
�If you�re here on a guilt trip, you can turn around right now. I won�t lose�� he stops off abruptly.
�What?� I ask. God, I want to know what he means.
�Nothing,� he shakes his head.
�No, not nothing, Nick,� I almost growl in frustration. He looks slightly shocked I think.
�Listen, Sean, you are pretty much the only friend I�ve had since this started. I�d rather travel alone, than have you end up resenting me because you�re doing this out of guilt,� he sighs.
�I�m not doing it out of guilt, okay?� I insist. He still looks doubtful. �I�m not! Damn it, Nick, you are my friend and I care about you, okay? Is that so hard to believe?� He just shrugs and turns away again, head dropping back against the head rest. I don�t really expect an answer so it�s a surprise when I hear him whisper.
�Okay.�
It makes me feel a little better. I don�t want him thinking that I�m doing this out of anything less than friendship. He doesn�t need to know that I�m doing it out of more.
~Nick~
Well, fuck me. To say I�m stunned is a fucking understatement. He� cares, about *me*. I�m silent for the rest of the drive. We�re still headed for Denver, my Forsaken is being a busy boy. The sooner we toast his ass the better. Not just for my sake either.
I have the strangest feeling Sean wouldn�t take my turning too well. Just so long as he wouldn�t ask me to turn him, I don�t think I�m strong enough to say no.
God, I�m really starting to fucking loathe these motels. They�re all the same; dingy, dirty, faceless. They make me feel even less like a real person. Sean makes me feel real, but damn him, I almost wish he hadn�t come after me. Only almost though. I�m too selfish not to be happy he�s with me.
We�re sharing a double again. That�s pretty tough, especially tonight when I have this urge to ask him for a hug. I�m still a little freaked by the fit I had at the diner and how much I wanted to open a vein in Sean�s neck and drink and just, God, take him, take everything of him.
It takes all my self-control not to shudder, not to roll over and put my head on his chest. And, fuck, I really need to. I never needed anyone before and that scares me, the fact that it�s a guy isn�t that freaky to me, it�s the fact that I love him. I actually love him.
Damn it, could I have picked a worse time and person to fall for? My best friend, my straight, male best friend and, Christ, I could be dead tomorrow! While that thought normally makes me *do*, this time it makes me hesitant. Because I could be alive tomorrow and friendless.
Then I would most probably not survive to the end of the month. Ironic, isn�t it?
~Sean~
I wake to the unfamiliar sensation of solid heat pressed against my right side, a heavy weight slung round my waist. Barely able to breathe, I open my eyes. It�s really real! Nick is actually cuddling me. Okay, so it�s in his sleep, but I�ll take what I can get. Maybe it means something, like, subconsciously he needs me, I don�t know, but I so want to believe it.
I just lie back and enjoy it for as long as I can. I�d never take advantage of him, I honestly don�t think I�d survive, his instincts are finely honed. I�m surprised that my waking, didn�t wake him. Frankly, it worries me. That fit must have taken a lot out of him.
I really don�t want to wake him, but we�ve got to get going soon. The sooner we catch up with his Forsaken the happier I�ll be. The thought of facing another of those things doesn�t even scare me much. We�ll win, because we have to. If we lose, it won�t matter much because we�ll be dead. But that�s not going to happen!
As long as I�m still breathing, Nick is going to live, survive. He�s going to make it, I won�t, can�t accept anything less. Can�t let myself believe anything less.
I move out from under him carefully, again worried that he just mumbles, turns over and continues sleeping. I can�t help but stare at him for a moment, despite being a great deal more ill than he was before, thinner, paler, he�s still so� God, now is not the time.
I can�t go around half hard like this all the time, but that�s what looking at him does. I shake my head and get my bag so I can dig out his pills. I leave them and a glass of water by the bed, along with an apple. I can only hope he takes the hint about the apple.
I go and take a shower, I really need one. A shave too maybe.
~Nick~
I wake to an empty bed, and for a brief second I�m terrified it was all a dream, that Sean found me. Then I hear the shower and I almost laugh. How could I have let myself become so reliant on someone else?
This is ridiculous, I�m fucked, pretty much guaranteed. If I find my Forsaken, I�m most likely gonna die. If I don�t, the virus will take over eventually and I�ll be one of them. Either way, Sean is likely to get himself killed.
God, no, I couldn�t take that, I *can�t* take that. I have to laugh at myself, I can just imagine my mother�s reaction to me giving a damn about someone else. But it�s true, I need him with a physical ache, but I also need him to be alive, happy.
Self sacrifice suits him a little too well� well tough shit, I�m not going to let him be a martyr to my cause. Huh, guess I really do love him.
I grab my bags, the drugs and the apple too, fuck it, may as well do something right, and leave. I didn�t leave him a note this time though, maybe he�ll get the hint, or at least feel hurt enough that he won�t come after me, even if� fuck! No! I *don�t want* him to come after me!
I walk even faster down the road, determined to outrun my own need. I have got to get away quickly or I�ll give in, I�m basically a selfish creature, I admit that freely. After all, I kept his wallet, used him to help me, was willing to sacrifice Megan� Jesus, what the hell was he thinking, coming after me?!
Thank God, a truck stops to pick me up before I get 50 yards. Sean won�t find me again, because he won�t be looking� I hope.
�Where ya headed?�
The truck driver startles me. �Huh? Oh, Denver, but anywhere along the way is fine.�
He nods, �Okay.�
I close my eyes and hope he�s not a talker because I�m really not in the mood for listening or conversation. I can�t help feeling like I�ve left a part of me behind. A little too trite for me to say I�ve left my heart behind, but shit if my chest doesn�t ache.
I�m almost asleep when a loud exclamation from the trucker snaps me awake again. I realise he�s shouting at the driver behind him.
�Psycho son of a bitch, gonna get us all killed,� he muttered, dragging the truck over to the side of the road. That fucking car screeches ahead of us and then slams to a halt.
Sean gets out and stalks towards us. Shit, he looks really mad.
�Get out of the fucking truck!� he shouts at me. The truck driver stares side long at me and raises an eyebrow.
�Can we just get out of here?� I ask, not really hopefully, because I already know the answer.
�Hell no, not if this nutjob is going to follow and make trouble!�
Sean climbs up to my side of the truck and leans in the window. Yup, he�s mad.
�Go home, Sean,� I say, closing my eyes. I�m really tired all of a sudden.
�Home?!� he snorts, �What home? I sold up everything I had, quit my job� fucking hell, Nick, this is it.� He gestures at the car.
�I didn�t ask you too,� I start, getting a little angry myself. The stupid fuck, what the hell had he been thinking?!
�I *know* that, but don�t you think I deserve more than you up and leaving without a word?!�
�Yes, Sean, I fucking think you deserve more, more than trailing around with me, and probably ending up dead!� I yell.
�Okay, fuck this, get the hell out of my truck, man,� the trucker pipes up. He shoves at me, leaning over at the same time to open the door. I fall out, clutching at my bags, and land on top of Sean as the truck screeches away.
It takes me a moment to get my breath back and then I lose it again. I�m lying on top of Sean, and he�s looking up at me, eyes wide, mouth parted. Oh God.
~Sean~
Oh God! I should be mad. Hell, I *am* still mad, but Nick is lying on top of me, I can feel every inch of his body, his weight on me and there is nothing I can do to stop my body from reacting to that. Before I can even begin to worry about that though, Nick leaps up like he�s been stung and stares down at me for a second, eyes unreadable, before holding out a hand.
I glare at him, remembering that I�m supposed to be angry, but I take it and let him haul me to my feet. And yes, so I get a thrill out of falling against him and having his arms slip round my waist for a second to steady me. So sue me, I�m human, in love and frustrated as all hell.
�What the fuck were you thinking?� I ask him quietly. He just shrugs and looks away. �God, Nick, if you really don�t want me around, just fucking say, okay? I�ll just go on without you. I found you, I can find him.�
He glances back at me, and kicks his bags, sighing loudly. �You really would, wouldn�t you? You�re such a dumb fuck, Sean, you know that?�
Something in his tone, I don�t know, something almost like resigned affection, makes me smile suddenly, �Yeah, I guess I must be to have a friend like you.�
He closes his eyes, tips his head back and takes a deep breath. �Well, I guess if you�re going my way�� He twists his head to look at me, eyes scrunched up against the sun, �Want some company?�
�Jerk,� I laugh and punch his shoulder, �Come on, let�s find somewhere to eat.�
Rubbing his stomach, Nick nods avidly, making me laugh harder. I start to walk to the car and I have to force myself not to look back and check to see if he�s following.
�Didn�t eat the apple then?� I ask lightly.
�Nah, fruit doesn�t really appeal much nowadays. I need something a little more substantial,� Nick sighs. I grimace because I know exactly what he means; meat, bloody and rare. �Sorry,� he shrugs.
�S�okay,� I say quietly, �I remember.�
He slides into the car next to me, wincing a little. I hand him a bottle of water and he drinks deeply, but it doesn�t stop the coughing fit.
�Would you just take the new pills, please?� I ask him in frustration, before pulling back onto the road.
�Yeah, yeah. Don�t worry so much��
I can almost see the wheels turning in his head as he contemplates what he just said.
�Why,� he clears his throat, �Why *do* you worry so much?�
I shrug. �Didn�t we already have the �you�re my friend and I care about you� conversation?�
�Yeah, I guess,� he says quietly, staring at me funny.
�What?� I almost snap.
�Nothing,� he sighs, �Just wondering how mentally unstable you are and if I�m in any danger.� He flashes a grin at me suddenly and I laugh in surprise.
�Oh please,� I snort, �You want to talk mentally unstable?!�
He chuckles, then points at a diner, �Stop there, I�m so hungry I could eat a��
There�s an uncomfortable silence as he winces and I follow his train of thought, wincing in my turn.
�It�s okay, Nick,� I say quietly, reaching out to pat his arm. I try to push away the hurt when he flinches away from me. �Let�s get some food.�
He nods curtly and gets out of the car almost before I park it. He stalks into the diner ahead of me and doesn�t even look up when I slide into the seat opposite him. A pretty young waitress comes along quickly and smiles at him.
He�s oblivious, but it doesn�t stop the surge of jealousy I feel. Deliberately, I reach out and touch his arm. �You want steak?� I ask.
He stares at me oddly, eyes flicking from my face to my hand and back, but he doesn�t pull away. The waitress looks a cross between disappointed and grossed out.
�Steak?� she asks hesitantly.
�Yeah, very rare,� Nick replies.
�For breakfast?� she blinks in a way that a few months ago I probably would have found cute in a brainless kind of a way.
�Is that a problem, because we can go elsewhere,� Nick growls. He seems to be feeling a little confrontational.
�Nick,� I say warningly. I�d rather not get kicked out of every diner we go to, even if the last time was my fault. He scowls at me and I scowl right back.
�Steak�s fine,� the waitress says timidly.
�Thanks,� I smile up at her, �Eggs and pancakes for me, please.� She smiles and nods, walking away hurriedly.
Nick�s still glaring at me.
�What?� I ask. He stares down at my hand and very deliberately pulls his arm away.
�What are you doing?� he hisses quietly.
�Trying to get us breakfast without a scene?� I reply calmly. I dig into his bag and pull out a bag of pills, counting out his dose. �Take your pills and shut up, okay?�
�I didn�t mean that and you know it,� he continues, ignoring my attempt to change the subject.
�Fine,� I sigh, �She was obviously interested and we don�t need any kind of attention. Your eating habits are enough for that.� He doesn�t look annoyed. For a moment, he looks confused and then there�s a flash of something I don�t quite recognise before he slips on his sunglasses. It�s almost as if he knows how well I know him.
~Nick~
At first I thought he meant she was interested in him, and fuck, that was interesting, the surge of jealousy. I really need to stop this. It�s obvious he�s going to keep after my Forsaken with or without me, so it might as well be with me, at least then I can keep an eye on him. But, I need to control this� all encompassing need for him.
And I don�t just mean the way I reacted to lying on top of him back on the road. I don�t just mean how I feel about him. The thing is, when I thought about how hungry I was, all I could think was that I wanted to eat *him*, and not in the good, hot and sweaty way.
Shit! Who am I kidding? It�s all wrapped into one now, I want him, I need him, I love him, God damn it. As a friend, as a lover� as food. The urge to taste his blood is almost as strong as the need to bury myself in him, and I can�t give in� to any of it. I just can�t.
I� I�m scared that I might reinfect him somehow, and the drugs didn�t work for him last time, I couldn�t cope with that, I�m not strong enough to lose a friend that way, especially not one I love.
It�s just, the way he acted, reacted today. So angry that I left again, so determined that he�s going to be there for me. I�d almost say the way he touched me in front of the waitress was possessive, jealous even. No, I�m deluding myself. Christ, I�m pathetic.
I can feel his eyes on me and I watch him watch me from behind my shades. Why does he care? He says it isn�t guilt or pity, I wish I knew for sure. My shades are protection, sometimes his eyes are just a little too penetrating. He can�t see, I won�t let him see how weak he makes me.
By the time my steak comes I�m ravenous, and the only way I can get through the meal without thinking about how much I want to taste Sean�s skin, Sean�s blood� God, enough already! Steak, steak is good.
He�s staring at me again. �What?!� I snap defensively.
His mouth opens as if to say something, but then closes and he shakes his head.
�Sean, just fucking tell me what�s on your mind, you look like you�re going to explode,� I sigh.
�That�s not enough for you is it?� he whispers.
Crap. How is he so observant? A couple of days infection does *not* make him an expert.
�I�m fine,� I reply.
�Bullshit,� he says with a shake of his head.
I lean forward and hiss at him: �What do you want me to say? Huh? Do you really need to hear how the pulse in your neck is really kind of tempting right now?�
I�m only trying to shut him up, but for a second there�s this� I don�t know, flare, or something, in his eyes and he shivers. Maybe I scared him, but I don�t think so. �Sorry,� I sigh.
�It�s okay,� he tells me quietly, looking down at his pancakes.
I sit back again and sling my arm over the back of the chair, �No it�s not. It�s not your fault, I should be happy you�re stupid enough to want to help a loser like me.�
�You�re not a loser!� he whispers fiercely, �And none of this is your fault either.�
I blink at him for a second, �O-kay.� His reaction to me is confusing sometimes, I could swear he� oh fuck, Nick, just give it up!
�Are you going to take those?� he asks quietly, staring pointedly at the pills he counted out earlier that I left on the table.
I don�t know why I have such a strange reluctance to take them. But I sigh and grab them downing them all easily in one gulp with a mouthful of water.
We�re starting to get looks, looks I would never have recognised a couple of years ago. We�re strangers, acting weirdly, that makes people edgy and scared, and what scares people can make them act violently.
�Time to go, Sean,� I whisper.
�Huh?� he stares at me in confusion.
�Let�s go, now,� I say again.
Fuck. I think we�re in trouble. That�s the problem, even before I realised how I felt about him, I knew we had a weird relationship, sat too close, looked at each too intently, that sort of thing. Unfortunately, I�m not the only one noticing.
�Two guys, they�re going to follow us, be ready,� I whisper to Sean.
He looks startled, �Okay.� He hands me the bag with the gun and I have to grin at him. He�s probably concerned about my strength. Me, all I�m worried about is resisting the urge to suck them dry.
~Sean~
My heart�s in my mouth. I don�t know how Nick knew, but those two guys are following us. It�s morning though, broad daylight, surely they won�t try anything here? I hope they won�t try anything here, Nick doesn�t look particularly in control.
I can�t deny how much it worries me, especially after what he said in the diner. I know he was trying to scare me, but the thought of Nick staring at my neck, wanting to bite� oh God, focus. I have to focus on the guys behind us in case there�s trouble.
If Nick does lose it, I don�t know what I�ll do.
�Let�s just get to the car,� he says, as if sensing my nervousness. I can see he has his hand in the bag where he keeps his gun.
One of the guys tries to grab me next to the bathrooms outside the gas station. I guess they figure they could beat us up in privacy or something. I yank myself away, turning, fist ready to hit out. I�ve fought vampires for fuck�s sake, I�m hardly going to back out of a fight with a pair of bigots!
But Nick has already drawn his gun. �Back off,� he growls. His shades hide his eyes, but I know they�re flashing dangerously. He looks tense, like he�s having trouble controlling himself. Which I can believe.
The pair back away, one raising his hands slightly. The other sneers. �Figures a couple of fags would need a gun for protection.�
I wince as Nick snarls at him, priming the gun threateningly. �Nick, come on,� I say urgently. I really don�t want there to be any trouble. The longer we stay here, the more attention we draw to ourselves.
He steps forward and I reach to grab his arm. It�s all I can do to hide the hurt when he flinches away. �Come on!� I repeat more insistently. After a pause, he nods, and I can�t help a sigh of relief.
�Get in the bathroom,� he tells the men. He has to step forward again, menacingly, before they comply, but I can tell that somehow he�s more in control again, so it doesn�t worry me so much. As soon as the door closes behind them, I see Nick put the safety back on and put the gun away.
�Let�s go,� he says, abruptly turning away from me and jogging for the car. I run to catch up with him, diving into the passenger seat as he starts the engine, not even checking that I�m beside him.
Again, I try not to feel hurt, I have a feeling something more is going on in his head. He doesn�t look at me, doesn�t speak as we drive. The silence is killing me.
�Nick,� I start.
�Don�t,� he says quickly, still not looking over at me.
�But Nick,� I try again. I want him to talk to me, even if I have the feeling I might not want to hear what he�s going to say.
�I said don�t!� Nick snaps. A moment later, he sighed and glances at me from behind those ever-present shades. �Sean, I just don�t want�� He stops and shakes his head.
�I know,� I reply quietly, �But I want you to know you can tell me. Anything. I won�t judge you, you know?�
He look over again, his expression quizzical, �I have no idea why, but yeah,� he sighs quietly, �I just can�t right now.�
I nod. Maybe it would be better to let him talk about it in his own time. I just wish� if I could just tell him that I love him and I�m here for him, whatever happens. But that would only make things worse, I�m sure.
He�s staring at me. Well, sort of, as he is still driving too. �What?� I ask.
�You still don�t have to do this,� he says quietly.
�But I am and I will, and nothing you say is going to change that, Nick, okay?� I snap, only a little angry. I had thought we�d cleared this up earlier. �So just leave it.�
He almost grins, �Okay, okay.�
~Nick~
That was closer than I�d like to think about. When that guy touched Sean, I wanted to rip his fucking head off.
Pair of assholes. Maybe I should have given in and killed them, fed from them� fuck! I can�t give in, even if the bigots deserved it.
I�ll freely admit, if only to myself, that only Sean�s presence stopped me though. The food and the pills probably helped. I�ll have to force myself to take the meds, even though I�m growing in reluctance.
I can feel the bloodlust at the edge of my consciousness all the time and it�s getting more tempting every day.
Especially with Sean here with me.
How ironic is that? I wanted, want, Sean so badly, body, blood, that it makes it harder to resist. Yet at the same time, Sean seems to be the main factor in my ability to resist. How the hell am I going to deal with this?
I glance over at Sean. He�s dozing, snoring softly, in the passenger seat. He looks like he doesn�t have a care in the world, almost happy without the tension I�ve noticed around his eyes and mouth.
And I want to kiss him, so much I actually feel a little choked. These are the times when I feel so bad that he�s stuck with me. Even if it is voluntary, damn his stubbornness.
I hope he meant what he said, about everything, because if we get into a situation like that again, I might not be able to hold back.
Sean�s eyes open suddenly, and I look away hurriedly.
�What time is it?� Sean grunts, rubbing his face.
�About two,� I reply.
�Shit, Nick,� he exclaims, �Why didn�t you wake me up, you must be starving.� He gets a strange look in his eyes, not quite uncomfortable, almost� almost hot. It makes me shiver and my groin tense.
�A little,� I reply, trying to cover my reaction.
He blinks and slips on his shades. He seems to have acquired that habit from me; hiding his eyes. �You should have stopped,� he says quietly.
�I would have, if I�d needed to,� I reply, �I haven�t needed to and besides, you looked like you needed the sleep.�
Jaw tense, he still rolls his eyes, visible even with the shades on, and looks round. �Stop at the next station.�
�Yes Sir.� I salute a little mockingly and he snorts at me.
�You need to eat regularly and take your drugs, Nick, okay?� he sighs.
�What are you, my mother?� I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. Sean�s jaw clenches and he looks away. �Fuck!� I exclaim quietly, �Come on, Sean, look, I�m sorry.�
He shakes his head, �I know. But you�ve got to start taking better care of yourself or we�re not going to find your Forsaken in time!�
His voice rises with each word until he�s shouting at me. I admit, I�m still bemused by just how much he seems to give a shit. I don�t get it, I suck, I�m a moody, selfish bastard. Why does he care?
�Okay, Sean,� I say quietly, �I�ll try.�
He smiles and I wish I could see his eyes. �Thank you,� he whispers.
I pull into the next station, and we actually manage to get some food without incident this time. I�m amazed frankly. Probably because we�re both quiet, not even really looking at each other. Why do I feel like I should be making something up to him?
It�s weird how much of a couple we feel like, not that I�ve had much experience in that. Before I was bitten, I was a total slut, fucked anything that moved, girls, boys� I was so high most of the time I didn�t much care who. Not exactly in the market for a steady relationship.
But now, I couldn�t be more different. No drugs, except the meds, I rarely drink, even one beer, because I need my wits about me at all times. Hell, I haven�t even had sex since I was bitten either. Wasn�t about to risk passing the virus on. Sean�s the only friend I�ve had, ever, who�s stuck with me through everything.
I wonder if he would if he really knew everything I was thinking and feeling?
Sean insists on driving when we leave the station. �You�re the one who looks like he needs the sleep now,� he says quietly.
I�m tempted to argue, but in reality, I am tired and I don�t want Sean going all hurt mother-hen on me again. Maybe some day soon, I'll get the nerve to really push him, find out why he cares about me, why he spent three months looking for some asshole he'd known less than a week and who almost got him killed! But I'm still too fucking selfish to risk pushing him away.
Damn it, I really am an asshole. If you love someone, you don't hang on to them when it could get them killed, do you? We could both be dead tomorrow and I don't even know what he tastes like.
With a sigh, I close my eyes and try to sleep.
TBC.
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